Some things have to be said again...

I love you guys.

Today went to work as usu except I was damn tired after the FOC meeting last night...one thing I learnt at the meeting...when you are prompted to say something, dont hold back...just say it. I felt this need to say a few words...I held back...in the end I realised it might have helped somebody come forward.

Met glo for 'dinner' cos I had a bbq which I had conveniently forgotten...was nice just sitting n chatting...feel bad that I couldnt meet Nefario, AGT, Mr Vile n Balien for dinner...we have to meet up sometime...I hope I dont have to wait a yr man...heh...

went for the BBQ organized by my cat class kids at River Crest...Ethelyn's condo...was so gd to see them again...not many ppl turned up though...Lyn n her bf, Jos, Joy, Henry Bo, Henry Vel, Aaron, Gen, Ethe, Leandro, Aloy, Jeremiah (hmmm did i miss out anyone??) I think that more than anything...the kids miss suaning me cos from the moment I came...Lynette couldnt stop suaning me from my gleaming head to my "fried fish" shirt...didnt eat much though and we couldnt really keep the fire going...by the time i reached the satay had finished n only hotdogs n chicken wings were left...was fun though and somehow Henry, Jos n Me ended up being the ones who tended the pit...heh...now I got pimples thanks to the oil n ash (right jos? ;)
post bbq was prob more fun cos we went over to lyn's place to chill out at the basketball court...then we sat down n played games...tried teaching them some games CSS ppl like to play (though i don't) like Polar Bear, Animal Game etc but they seem SOOOO obsessed with Truth or Dare...heh...but quite interesting lah to find out some secrets...muahahaha...at the end of the day it was just wonderful company...just a little tinge of sadness for like Gen said..."too bad we have Os next yr"...hope that we'll continue to keep in touch thru the yrs...for now I would like to say thanks for the memories...I love you guys.

Boxing Day

It seems that I've turned into a nocturnal creature...n a beautiful one at it.

Just came back from keenan's place after breakie at Jackson's...gonna miss such things man after nan shifts to CHOICE retreat house. Oh well. Day started slack enuff with me just lazing online....didnt even bother going church today which isnt a gd thing...but somehow my family has been skipping mass. Then James n myself arranged to meet in the evening for dinner n stuff...so ended up meeting James, Alan, Darryl, MelD n Rachel for dinner...it was quite fun talking crap n hanging out...then the guys decided to play pool n Clemence joined us...quite an interesting game n I managed to win the last one by just keeping a low profile n letting the others kill each other off...heh...then went over to nan's to watch The Count of Monte Cristo...I found the show fine but nan thot it was too slow moving...heh but not bad lah I dont like the forgive n forget crap...there has to be some vengence man! n we had a gd time with our comments n predicting what was gonna happen...heh...
after the movie we lied down n chatted...talking abt a mixture of stuff...serious stuff...then 'girl' stuff...heh ;) oh n I bitched abt certain things in CSS too...heh who better to bitch abt it then to the president right? :p oh well...realised tt next sem gonna be quite busy...
then at abt 0526 nan decided that he wanted to sleep n I decided that I wanted to go have breakfast n make my way home...heh tt's when the fun began...haha nan kept pretending to be asleep whilst I tickled him...disturbed him...on the lights...threaten to sabo him etc. heh he even managed to lock me out of his room! heh but being the softie tt he is I was in again in no time!! haha so by 0550+ we were walking out to jackson's! woohoo!! so feeling guilty for dragging nan for breakie I decided to treat him...heh...
talked a bit more...I've decided to go for A retreat b4 sch starts...the thing is I have not decided which one....(1) Silent Retreat at Bt Tiram: I've been wanting to go for this silent retreat since last hols...the thing holding me back is the $90 cost...think its gd and I want this kind of concept where u do more reflection by urself...not really with others...no distractions n all...somemore heard from Joel tt the place is very nice n conducive. (2) CHOICE: nan has been bugging me to go for it n Ed has mentioned it a few times too...its much cheaper but it seems tt there's this grp aspect which I dont really want...asked nan abt the program but he said tt cant tell...n somemore charkwa shd be leaving on the 8th n it clashes with this...
oh well will be thinking abt this seriously n decide by this coming week...i really need at least ONE retreat to (hopefully) get me back on track spiritually...
whilst walking to the mrt I tried taking a pic of the full moon with my hp but couldnt really capture it...I guess many things in life are like tt...no eloquence of words or collage of pictures can fully capture the feeling of a moment...u have to be there to feel it in its fullest glory...even memories cant recapture the exact intensity of emotions.
Inspired by a few blogs...I shall do some reflection thingy of this yr soon...till then...

Results/Xmas

Think I got a wonderful present in my results...PTL...

Man I never in the world expected these grades...am happy for that...didnt want to tell others but they asked n I decided to tell the truth...in the end everyone said that I lied again...thanks a million wayne for speaking up for me...it really made me feel better...I dont know why but some ppl have been making me feel bad for doing well when I SHOULD NOT be feeling this way...it's like when I took the paper I really thot it was screwed...esp my medical paper...in fact I was so upset abt it I was thinking abt it everyday AFTER the exams...up till now I dont know how I got the A+...gen bio is confirmed moderated n I guess I was lucky to get an A...was hoping for a B+ or A- Don't worry I won't complain or speak about it with u guys next sem...thanks to those like Wayne for understanding...I mean haven't u had the same experience? Have you guys ever thought it might be cos of my low S.E.???

anyway had a gd time at Karen's place...though I was being bullied with 'Thai Poker' heh...had to kiss Owen (karen's dog) once somemore! thanks a mill karen for opening up ur place!! n thanks for the company...esp my breakie kaki...heh...

recently I've been irritated by someone that I had (no choice) to come into contact with and (sigh) I'll have to see his bloody face more often this coming sem cos I will be working with him...hope I have more patience...

k shd not end off on a bad note...so here's wishing one n all a Merry Xmas...I think I shd get some sleep though I aint tired at all...

Xmas Bash/23rd Bday

I'm waiting for some reply smses now...wayne/alan pls reply to confirm whether there is soccer!! I woke up after sleeping for some 12 hrs...damn shack man...went to work yest with only one hr sleep...that's why I couldnt make it to Angie's place...heh...
ANyway...thanks a mill to all those who made Xmas Bash so fun...have to say this is the best one I attended thus far. Simply fab...damn funny too...great Hosts...hilarious skits...heh...n of cos a nice "expected but not appreciated any less" birthday celebration. :) thanks guys
thanks to all those who sms me greetings, wished me on the phone or online...n those who wished in person...thanks for bringing back the cheer that just the day b4 I couldnt feel. Thanks for the pressies...such thoughtful gestures that I'll treasure...may u all have a blessed Xmas...God bless...

Philosophical Techno Song??

I started to listen to my best techno self-compiled CD recently..think this song is kinda philosophical...heh...

Castles in the Sky - Ian van Dahl

Do you ever question your life,
Do you ever wonder why?
Do you ever see in your dreams,
All the castles in the sky.
Oh tell me why, do we build castles in the sky
Oh tell me why, all the castles way up high,
Please tell me why, do we build castles in the sky
Oh tell me why, all the castles way up high.

Another of my fav Techno songs...

Daddy DJ -by Daddy DJ

Daddy DJ, please take me to the party
And let me dance along, until the lights are on
You leave me once again home alone
The fridge is full but my heart is achin'
You think I can make it on my own
Just a kiss and you are gone
Another night like a million before
Another party where I'm not invited
As always you'll heat the dance floor
In front of your turntables going mad
Why don't you keep me close to you
I'm not anymore the kid you knew
Why should I stay deep in the blue
I wanna move my body too
(Chorus)
Daddy DJ, please take me to the party
And let me dance along, until the lights are on
Daddy DJ, please take me to the party
And let the music play, until the break of day
We've been aside since I meant to be
A part of you that was just awaking
My life with you is a fantasy
I am your prince and you are my king
You say your thing drives sometimes you insane
You think you're no good father and so you're ashamed
But all I want is to share your pain
Clubbin' the night along and having fun
Why don't you keep me close to you
I'm not anymore the kid you knew
I wanna feel this part of you
I wanna move my body too
(Chorus, x2)
Daddy DJ
Daddy DJ
Daddy DJ, please take me to the party
And let me dance along, until the lights are on

A totally mixed day...

Woke up late for once...felt good...
met Cl for lunch n shoppin' She was someone tt I almost got tog...well maybe not almost but kinda tog but not tog...last yr. Found out tt she will be doing her post-grad come Jan n she told me she might not come back cos she's thinking of settling down in Aussie. As usu...we talked abt all the superficial stuff and things tt really dont matter anything to me. The outing got me thinking a lot cos I realise tt this girl I like was really the most superficial one I've had. Besides her looks...I really dont think there is anything else abt her tt is appealing. We have such diff values. We can only talk abt superficial stuff never serious ones. I can't tell her things that are bothering me. Sigh. I'm so shallow. BUT I must really thank bao for helping me make the right decision. It was difficult at that time but I must say it's def the right one.

Isaac was sick so his bday celebration was postponed...met up with my CG instead...went to watch Ocean12...hanging out with them was really very fun...lots of lame jokes (the kind I like) and also a bunch of ppl I just feel comfortable with...must tell this witty statement tt reggie made...she was trying to tell a joke and I kept interrupting her so when I asked her: "Reggie, is the Char Sao Pao Catholic cos it's not being very Christian...she said..."No I don't think so...cos it has a red dot!" hahaha...I just burst out laughing...hahaha...she is damn funny man...
the movie was so-so...not really tt gd...but then some parts were well shot...gd cinematography I guess...but lousy ending...
supper was fun too...nice hanging out with the guys...its like I love having supper but have not been able to do it for some time already...thanks for the company man...love u guys...

my Selfishness and the 1st NJ House Reps

My aunt is living with my family for a few days...she is ID (=Intellectually Disabled) and the first thing tt came to my mind is...f***!! all the inconveniences. I'm selfish.

on the way back home jus now...I rem some of the nice memories from my NJ days. When I was in yr1, I ran for house reps which lead the student body in activities n all tt. It's similar to council but we say tt its more hip, hop, happening n yes we do rallying of ppl n all than admin work. heh. Anyway...I ended up House Captain of Solaris which is the yellow house. The best part is that I was part of the pioneer batch of house reps and kinda laid the foundation (only for those a**holes to close down the house reps syst last yr [cos our presense threatened the student councillors]). Anyway the house reps provided me with lots of wonderful memories...n frens tt are still very much part of my life ;)
On the train back, I rem the Publicity Stunts, or pub stunts as we would call them. Publicity was done in the form of acting out n publicising an event. So many of them come to mind. There was one where we were advertising for our juniors to run for house reps so I had to be the poser wearing this checked shirt, funky jeans n a ski cap!!! only for the 'judges' to reject me cos I failed my exams (F9 written on a big piece of paper)...then there was this other one...it was to pub track n field i think...so we had 3 ppl throw a discus...i rem the first girl who was there right...she wasnt very slim...ya...then the commentator talked about "checking out all those curves, streamlined body etc..." insinuating that they were describing the girl, only to end up saying something like..."presenting the new Nike Beta+ Discus...if only all discuses were made this way"...haha it may not sound funny now but it sure did back then...it the actions + the way it was said n all...then when it came to my part right...I was this steady guy lah...action action kind...then I threw the discus damn far...."20m...30m...40...m.....CRASH!!! SBJ1234k [our then principal's car plate number]....looks like Nicholas is in trouble with Mrs Ng again..." hahaha then I was like hiding behind this short knee-height wall...heh...man...those were the 'glory days' man...
the last incident I rem was when I was presenting to the sch my house reps...I rem practising pronouncing my Vice-Capt's name...A-nan-dan aRRR-ru Mu-Gam...he's Indian u see so u have to roll your tongue when u say ARU...heh...but guess what...when it came to the crunch...I just shouted....AAAAA-NNNNAAANNNNN!!!! haha n i kinda did the same for the rest....the rest of the house capts were so serious...but I was the only clown...right glo?? :) anyway my fren's fren came up to me tt day and said I sounded like the Ring-Announcer for WWF...heh...cool huh?

So u see....if someone from NJ, my batch comes along n says he/she doesnt know me...where the hell were u man?!?!

signing off...
The Main Man

Stress

Sigh...just started my first day of work as a Research Assistant and boy did I feel tired, stupid and stressed. I really cant rem much abt SPSS...will prob need to seek out some help from the CSS psych gang...I kinda like analyzed data and printed out 20 pages of gabbage b4 my sup corrected me...felt so paiseh man...then there's so much to do and I have to write so much stuff, analyze so much stuff...n need to find lit reviews and how to do re-coding on SPSS...another full day ahead for me tomolo...k gonna sleep soon...

oh n guys go to www.facts.com.sg STOP the CASINO!!!

Gambling

The following is taken from the CCC; I apologise to those who "I've condemned to hell" for playing mahjong on sat! ;)

2413 Games of chance (card games, etc.) or wagers are not in themselves contrary to justice. They become morally unacceptable when they deprive someone of what is necessary to provide for his needs and those of others. the passion for gambling risks becoming an enslavement. Unfair wagers and cheating at games constitute grave matter, unless the damage inflicted is so slight that the one who suffers it cannot reasonably consider it significant.

But I'm still against the casino in Singapore...I don't think the social consequences are sufficiently justified with economic benefits.

so many things...

NUS increased fees...a**holes...here is an email my fren replied to NUSSU after they informed us of their efforts:
Date : 12/10/2004 Time : 12:17 AM From : L. S. S.
Hello,
I think it will be much better for the student body if we offset this round of fee hikes through cutting costs. The act of dissolving seemingly impotent organizations which are purported to voice the deepest concerns of the student body would be a great start, and the reduced costs would help in easing our financial burdens.
Sincerely, L. S. S.
Final Year Undergraduate
haha when he sent it to me thru icq i burst out laughing...man...n he is thinking of staging a protest...heh...

anyway I'm meeting a lecturer this tues to see if he wants to hire me as an RA (research assistant)...think his standards r high n he has already given me a trail....dont know if he wants me still but I will have to find out on tues...heh...thus I most prob wont be gg for the retreat...heh

i wanted to post abt some realisations this sem but will have to come later...chelsea n arsenal beckons...damn arsenal leading one-nil...

Mambo Disappointment...how the U.S. is soooo screwed up...

Had a wonderful gathering at Jo's place last night with lots of wonderful food and great dessert! Thanks jo for the wonderful dinner! U know I feel kinda blessed in the sense that being a CGLC was much easier and smoother than I expected...kinda feel bad cos as a CGL last time I felt I didnt support my CGLCs as much as I could have and I know of quite a few other CGLs who were the same...Nan n myself are blessed in the sense the CGLs seem to be supporting of gatherings and the things that we do for them...kinda gives me a feeling of peace and satisfaction? :)
Went to mambo after tt...for all the hype it was a disappointment....firstly the mo-f****er of a DJ played such a disappointment mix of songs I felt an Ahbeng could have mixed better. Another reason could be that I wasnt high enough...deciding to abstain from fags and graveyard this time around might have led to my sombreity (spelling?). At least I can say I enjoyed the company :) oh and guess what I forgot to bring my house keys lor~ then actually alan and myself wanted to drink a teh or something at a 24hr place in sengkang but apprently the 2 that we thought existed were both closed. So we went home...I didnt want to wake up my family so I sent my dad an sms to call me when he woke and I slept on the bench downstairs. haha this is the second time liaoz but the first time I was piss drunk...this time I was sober and just tired. Dad called at 530 so I went up and slumped into my bed.
Had a little headache but its gone now. Anyway I read the newspaper about this charity woman who won the lottery in the U.S. and found out about how 46 states in the U.S. have this law which states that once a child is born, they have 3 days of get rid of it w/o facing prosecution....what the FUCK! I mean this is ridiculous! isnt it tantamount to murder??? so during the 1st 3 days of the child's life, it's not considered a human being??? was damn pissed when I read that. Then yest newspapers also stated about how the U.S. refused to sign something wrt reducing the release of ozone-depleting substances. Then now those a**holes are trying to get Kofi Anand off the UN cos he has the balls to stand up against the U.S. N recently a fren told me how the U.S. talks so big about certain intertnational laws/conventions and all but refuse to sign any memorandam. Such a screwed up place. The more I think about the place the more pissed I get. Maybe God shd bring another flood on that place and get rid of the greatest evil in the world now.

Dogville

Watched this film today at markC's place...had the VCD b4 exams but didnt watch it till today. Don't really know what to think about the movie except tt it's quite disturbing? Interesting way of filming...u can see the whole town of Dogville like a monopoly board where there r no doors or windows and u can see what the whole town is doing.
To me it was disturbing cos of Nicole Kidman's role passivity as well as the dichotomous thinking along the lines of: (1) we have to be forgiving of men's wrong doing to the point of being totally submissive and passive (2) vengence where u have to avenge all wrong doing and the only way to deal with evil is to use evil.
Don't know if this was what the film was trying to get across. It seems to have deeper philosophical undertones in it. For those interested I can lend u the VCD...be prepared to spend at least 2hrs 40mins though and if u watch the confessionals that come with it...it'll be a further 55 mins.

There goes my diet...

today is my bro's bday and we had a real big feast...have a look at the pic below...somemore I was trying to eat less as I've been doing the past 2 days but the food today was too tempting...there were:
4 sting-rays,
kailan in oyster sauce,
about 80 sticks of satay,
har gao soup,
12 bbq chicken wings.
And I had one stingray to myself!!!
Anyway just wanted to say that I had a good time having a meal with my family. My bro's gf joined us too. She's a really nice gal and I hope things work out cos I really dont think my bro can find someone as patient and understanding. My relationship with my bro has been ambivalent for as long as I can remember. Some of you I'm closer to would know that my bro and I are like two extremes on a continuum and the only similarity I see sometimes is the way we look. There was a very long period of time we didnt even speak to each other and sadly I have to admit, he was one of the people (in fact the only) that I had actually felt hatred towards. I can't say that it has all gone away but from my growth in CSS, it has helped lessen this somewhat though recently again I had been having similar feelings. I really hope that we will remain close and I pray that one day he will wake up and be more sensible. Till then all I can do to hope (I no longer pray about it). Sometimes I think its partially my fault that he has turned out this way cos having to live in an elder sibling's shadow can do two things: (1) you rise up to the challenge or at least attempt to do so, or, (2) you go the other direction cos its easier. I think my bro chose the latter. It's like teachers in St Gabs will ask him why he cant be more like me and he would get so pissed he'll scold the teacher or walk out of class. I think I would have done the same in his shoes cos I dont really like being compared either. In this lifetime, I've only felt my heart literally break twice and the second time was cos of him. I just felt that I could have done more but didnt. Oh well...
Anyway...thanks to andrea and shane who persuaded me to go Tea CHapter yest...it was fun...and I had good company...n thanks to wayne for the hanging out after tt...although we didnt execute our initial agenda! ooOOhhHH!!
k think i will sign off here...haha guys pls pray for my toe! cos I think its all blue-black and the nail is gonna come out if it is to heal...sigh...how to play soccer again like tt...k gonna slack now...with me bloated stomach...ciao~

The Feast

FINALLY

I stopped writing a little before they asked us to stop today. My hands were numb. I didnt know what else to write. Not gonna talk about it. JUst that I'm glad its finally over. Won't be expecting much though.
I told myself to enjoy this extra time I have now and to think positive thoughts...but I dont find it possible. I guess the good thing about the exams is that it serves as a form of distraction...of whatever you were trying to run away from, or something that you pushed under your bed hoping it would just disappear. It's when you're free that you have the luxury of time to dwell on these things again.
I will spend this holidays getting in touch with myself. Feel that I've somewhat derailed this sem...am not heading in the direction that I would like to in several areas in my life.
Will try to post something positive soon...for now I would like to thank the 3 abeng guys who smsed me today...really means a lot to me. It's been great knowing u 3 better. God bless.

You take the Path of
Least Resistance.
Why make things hard for yourself? You are a
go-with-flow sort of person andlittle gets to you. Why? Because it's all good,
right? They say the path ofleast resistance is a straight line and that's
where you go, ever forward andnever looking back. It's good to keep the past
behind you, a quality far toolittle people have these days. You know the past is
the past, but don't letyourself forget it. You can't learn from your
mistakes if you don't rememberthem. You're probably loved for your laid-back
frame of mind and easy-goingqualities , but you tend take the easy way out in
life and verge on lazy. Greatcharacter is found through great challenges. You
most likely have the abilitiesin you to succeed and over-come what life throws at
you. You just got get up andface that challenge. You tend to lose your head in
bad situations because youaren't used to them. And by the time you've found
the easiest way to master aproblem, you could've already taken care of it. Bad
things happen, difficultsituations come up, that's life. What matters is
that you rise to face thosechallenges and you can do it. Never lose your
laid-back qualities as they willhelp you greatly. Just step onto that hard road
every once in awhile and you'lldiscover that with each stretch it becomes easier
and easier to over-come life'shurdles.

What Path Do You Take In Life? [X]For Guys and Gals! Pics and Lengthy Results.[X]
brought to you by

so freaking sianz...

I think I asked for it...for oh well might as well complain...
U know I NEVER got A+ for all 50% of my CA before but this sem...my proj grp mates and myself did it....and now I wasted this 50% by screwing up my paper today...I'm so freaking sianz...it like if I know that I'm "around the mean" then its fine but then I know I screwed it up real bad so the very MOST I think I can get is like B+...
1st qn: I didnt really know what they were talking about...so ended up giving stuff totally irrelevant...then only when I was doing the second part did I realise something was wrong buy it was kinda too late to change...f***
2nd qu: dont know why I chose this qn cos I NEVER studied anything to do with cancer and there were so many proj grps that did on cancer then the intervention I came up with my own freaking one...hope its still accepted but then even then there's no theoretical framework for it!!
3rd qn: my supposed 'pet' qn cos I did my attachment at IMH but then not enough time so did everything from memory w/o referring...hope this qn will salvage something at least...
sigh...so freaking sianz!

Past few days...

The past few days have been moving rather slowly and worse...rather unproductively...
Sat ans Sun I covered only 2 chaps of gen bio each day (though I could have done at least 3)...
the gd side of it was that I spent more time talking with me sis and even played badminton with her on mon...then yest was real bad cos I caught the flu and only covered three lect notes...
today was better...k on the phone now...blog again later...

A More +ve Outlook...

Inspired by what someone said on her blog, I shall try to change my blog to be more +ve and less dark...hence the new look...(also couldnt find a nicer one from blogspot...) So I will attempt to share with u guys certain memories in my life thus far lah...prob the interesting or happy ones...like this person said...it will be a happy day if u want it to be!!

My First Crush...(hee hee)...

I rem my first crush was someone in my group during my confirmation camp in 1994 when I was in sec2. She shall be known as C, least someone knows her. Anyway, got to know her and all during the camp and was just attracted lah. It's like prior to that all I could be bothered with girls and would rather play soccer, study, hang out, and do band stuff...till the camp. Never saw her b4 till the camp...prob cos she was in the sat classes...anyway being the cowardly me on the last day, all I managed to get was her address!! (Hey tt already took me a lot of courage lei! somemore if u had seen the hairstyle I had at tt time!! almost as bad as kessy! ;)
So I decided to write her a letter...the exact contents of which fail my memory, though I rem asking her out for a movie...but the best part is my fren, Gerald, and myself decided it was best if we delivered it personally...heh...so we went down to Lor Ah Soo to hand the letter to her...but u see we didnt dare to ring the doorbell so we were walking up and down her door (it was on the ground floor) until her grandmother came out to presumably check on us! haha we left the letter in her mailbox in the end. She actually wrote a reply to me (I was really stunned by this)...I still have the letter...(rem thinking her handwriting was damn nice - our subjective lens probably)...she said she wouldnt mind catching a movie at Lido or something on a particular date...but by the time I got the letter it was like a day away or something and Gerald and myself decided in the end that it was too late to get a reply for her and in the end...we didnt meet up or anything. Somehow I didnt carry on the correspondence.
It was exciting while it lasted. Anyway, the next time I saw her was actually on 156 when I was in NJ...I was sitting in my seat stoning when I noticed this CJ gal looking in my direction (she was sitting on those seats which face everyone in the bus)...then i realised it was C! haha and I was so damn sure she was telling her bf abt me! arg! so embarrassing! ya then since then saw her a few times at St Francis Xavier Church too...
haha k tt's all for now...feel young recalling this...k more next time...ciao~ c",)

*oh ya and I just remembered....Keenan, Sharon, Gary, Carol were all from the same camp and I didnt even rem seeing a single one of them!!! haha hope u guys dont know who I m talking about...heh...*

Eventful Day

I would consider today eventful. Lots of things happening...
Morn woke up to prepare for 230pm paper...I realised why I'm so slack this sem...cos all 4 of my exams are open book exams but contrary to popular belief, you have to study for open-book exams...if u dont read and read there, you're just gonna screw urself up...
went to sch to collect my reports...got 80/100 for my GEK report...wasnt very happy about it at first cos I expected and since the final grade for this mod depends on the report (50%) and my rival got 90!! I dont know why I always lose out to him..bloody life sci guy! haha but he has spurred me on too...just hope I get a gd grade for this mod cos its like a big hope for me this sem...a BIG tHaNk yOu to all 20 guys who made it possible... :-)
then went to collect my sw3202 paper from Dr Ow...still had time to joke with her...but there wasnt a grade for tt paper...just ticks...hmmm n its 30% the exam i took just now was 50% couldnt finish but just see how it goes lor...it was quite funny cos Liz was asking me how come the sw ppl taking the exam were like all so happy b4 the exam...we were laughing n joking whilst our socio counterparts at Eusoff Hall were quite glum...haha...dont know why man...then Mavis could even rem tt we sat beside each other exactly a yr ago for sw2105!! also by the same lecturer! haha...then the exam went by...a little too quickly...
then walked to Heng Mui Keng with Pearlyn cos she stays Kent Ridge...found out then a fren of ours had a breakdown and wont be taking her exams this sem...do pray for her. Reminded me of the 'breakdown' I had yr2 sem1...dont think I told u guys...only Yas knew cos I sms her to ask her to pray for me...it was b4 my social psych paper and I was just like crying n crying at home alone...sigh~ it was a really bad feeling...I just couldnt study no matter what...then during the exam itself I paniced too cos I didnt expect the compulsory qn to come out on Altruism...rem someone saying b4 the exam tt it never come out b4 so I didnt bother looking thru again...heh...so guys do take care ya...dont like let these exam stuff get to u too much...it's an experience I hope i never get to experience again.

Went Seah Im for my fav teh~ then took the train back.
It was indeed a very interesting ride. Firstly, there was this bunch of kids who were from a special sch...and they took a portion of the train then there was this guy who I think was ID (Intellectually Disabled) grunting quite loudly...there were a lot of ppl staring at them...I mean what's up man...why are Singaporeans so rude? Cant they leave these ppl alone? I mean to observe awhile is fine but to stare the whole damn journey?? I tried staring at those ppl but they were too engrossed. The special ppl I saw in the train just reminded me how much love they need and it saddens me to think that there are many more out there who dont get it. I myself cant say I can really reach out to these ppl...esp during yr1 went we went to the Spore Spastic Asso near Markli's place...was quite saddening...
anyway on a brighter note...there was this cute little boy who reached out to grab me...haha...he was so damn cute! really made my day!
And I realised this is the 1st sem I didnt get a 'gd luck' sms from chunky mark!! arg! miss ya man...heh...hope you're having fun...
k gonna end here...one full week to my next paper...hope I can get some work done...God bless one n all...

Happy Brithday Margaret...

I wanted to go down to visit her with a packet of Super 3-in-1 coffee but in the end I didnt...cos I felt I shd stay home to study. Not tt I covered much. I dont know why I had it written down on my calender...but I have decided to visit her after my exams...gonna make the effort...sometimes I feel that I dont have the right priorities in life.
Abt studies...dont seem to be able to do much...my exam is on fri and here I m covering the readings for the very first time with so much more to go...n there's like no stress...some would call it calmness...otherwise bochapness...u decide which describes me...I dont want to whine here cos I know most of u will prob say..."here he goes again..." I hope what you guys say is true.

"He loves each one of us as if there were only one of us." This was given to me by Jamie...a girl in my cat class...man I'm a sucker for such stuff...I love them all!!!

To all those...

who have been with me in sch,
to those who read my blog,
to those who leave ur much appreciated comments,
to those who keep in touch with me,
to those who I will rem always,
to those who have been praying for me,
I love you guys...take care.

disappointed...

I just got feedback on a presention...my proj gro got 2 excellents and 3 goods...
it may seem gd to u guys but I know one grp got 5 excellents....so....
n the thing is 20%....sigh...
anyway....300% of CAs down...200% of exams to go...

My Godson, Aaron and me...to view the other photos you guys can check out: http://community.webshots.com/user/nick_net_toe

A Phone Call

I just got off my hp after a conversation tt lasted more than 1.5hrs. This may not be amazing to many but for a person who has talked to very few ppl from NUS on the phone (can be counted with one hand) and who has recently withdrawn from most of society, I would think it quite remarkable.
D called me to ask abt a paper tt we have due but we ended up sharing with each other about how screwed up this sem is. I kinda shared with her everything I felt and went thru this sem,which surprisingly I've not really done with anyone else. As I recall what happened, what was said, what I went thru and what I felt, couldnt help but relive some of those emotions and feelings. starting feeling sad for awhile. sigh.
She's having issues too and I hope she gets better, esp her health.

I don't know why but I've really withdrawn into a shell this sem. I rather be alone. I want to be by myself. I will eat dinner by myself at Seah Im hawker centre with my fav hokkien mee and 2 teh-tariks. I will walk ard aimlessly, thinking. I will wish I had another life, somewhere else more carefree. With a different script to follow.

But I'm stuck here. I don't like who I am. But I can't change that. I wish I looked different...may be like Julian...but I can't. I seem so alone. but is it in my mind? anyone else seems to have someone else. (I named a few names but I decided better not to)...those tt i m close to have others' in their lives or r no longer in NUS...what's the pt of being a swinging bachelor when you're swinging by urself? I realised I've not really gotten to know many ppl since yr2...am I keep feeling unable to maintain frenships anymore.

As the soothing night wind carresses my face,
my eyes are struggling to keep awake.
I think back to those happy days,
when things were fine and time again,
we would meet for lunch in the arts canteen.
You came to find me once in the lib,
we watched Happy Tree Friends till our next appt.
You were fun to be with,
someone I could be myself with,
someone who I would listen to,
and sometimes you would listen too.
Slowly but surely I would soon find,
that I had made the worse decision of my life,
to fall for someone tt was a fren,
for now she's gone, but a distant memory.
It's not tt she's avoiding me,
I don't know what's best to do.
The words she used had hurt me so,
even now I can't let go.
Sometimes when I see things,
they just seem perfect to be hers,
but I know I shdnt be buying things,
for doing so would mean I can't let go.
I normally would pray for deliverance,
but I dont buy tt shit anymore.
There's a lot of things inside me,
none of which you would wanna see,
but pls still say hi and you're my fren,
for the person tt you know me as is slowly slipping away,
And I hope that he comes back one day,
till then adios my frens,
fare-de-well to thee!

Memories...and a sharing...

Some memories came back to me today...

1. Just about a year ago I attended a funeral. It's always disturbing to attend a funeral of someone younger than you. Though I didnt know her personally, it still struck me. She was my fren's sis. I rem the day in tutorial when we were having discussion, when I saw J looking at me...then I smiled but there wasnt a response from her. Then I waved and realised that she was just staring blankly into space...so happened to be in my direction. After class I asked whether she was ok. She just shrug her shoulders. Her frens' non-verbals told me I shdnt probe. A few days later I got an sms asking those who could to attend her sis and cousin's funeral. Only then did it strike me that her sis and cousin were the ones I had read about in the newspaper. They had passed away in a car accident in Australia. The funeral service was sad. Sigh. Made me think a lot abt life. And I kept plaing scenarios of my own loved ones dying. Man...oh well...a year on...I see my fren once in awhile in sch...I wonder if she has gotten over it. I dont think we ever get over such stuff.

2. I flipped my calender a few days back and what I saw surprised me. On it I had the birthday of a lady I met at Chesire Home. CSS ppl went there for comm service during Lent. I dont know how come I know her bday or even wrote it down. The best part is tt once I saw the date I know what I intended to get her - a packet a 3-in-1 Super coffee...she loves coffee but I dont know whether I will go down there on the 15th...shd I? I dont know.

Something to share:
I read it in my gen bio text today...shows how screwed up US is. haha...quite funny to me lah. Its abt the red wolf, the grey wolf and the coyote. U see the population of red wolves was getting so bad that they were going extinct so the conservation ppl in US wanted to conserve this animal, listed it as an endangered animal and all lah. This govt scientist analyzed the skulls of the three animals and concluded that the grey wolf and the coyote prob evolved from the red wolf as the red wolf had skull structures that were in between the other 2 animals. So the US ended up spending about US$1million a year from 1980 conserving the red wolf. Then years later, someone challenged the hypothesis and stated that the red wolf was in fact not a species in itself but a hybrid of the grey wolf and coyote. The govt scientists scoffed at this and another scientist decided to confirm this by running test on DNA n stuff. Guess what they found? Well the red wolf is a hybrid of the grey wolf and coyote as it contains DNA from both but no unique DNA of its own! haha so the bloody US had been pumping money into conserving red wolves when they could actually occur naturally. And they even prevented the red wolves from mating with the other 2 species for fear of 'contaminating' the species. SO the red wolf is not a species on its own. BUT due to political reasons, they decided to carry on funding for red wolf conservation as they dismissed the DNA evidence and made a law stating that as long as the endangered species looks like the 'pure form' they would continue spending money on it. So they still consider the red wolf a species on its own. stupid a**holes. hahahah...do u know how much money they spend...for nothing??

k tt's all for now...will be blogging again soon...ciao~

Things that I've learnt...

there's so many things I learnt this week about stuff and about myself...
1. from today's Simpsons episode: I watched this episode b4...the one where Maude, Flaunder's wife, dies. Flaunder has to get over the sudden death of his wife and the unthinkable actually happens...he blamed God and stopped going to church...for all of 30 mins tt is cos the next thing u see is him doing after blaming God n declaring tt he wont go to church is him speeding there...I rem being moved by this episode...effect not as great this time...cos it bines with tannine or something in the tea to de-generate it or something...basically its better tt way...didnt know tannine was tt bad for us...

2. learnt from gen bio lect today tt u shd add milk to your tea cos it bines with tannine or something in the tea to de-generate it or something...basically its better tt way...didnt know tannine was tt bad...n did u know tt ppl use stuff like caffeine to kills herbivous?? its like an insecticide...n ppl r downing so much caffeine a day!

3. something about myself: Last fri i was in sch till 1+ sat till 2+ then sunday night 3+ reached home 4+ woke up at 6+ had a presentation at 8+am...I realise how I suck at handling stress/pressure...realised how bad a leader I was...how I couldnt really involve those who wanted to, then I casually excluded another cos I knew she wasnt interested so I didnt even bother trying to get her down for stuff...then those tt were there were those closer to me...and I kinda pissed some of them off...maybe not there n then...I really couldnt take those nights when the work didnt seem to end or rather couldnt seem to finish...then on Mon when all of us lacked sleep and we had 2 presentations, it was so easy to get irritated...sigh...remains me of my army days when I was this bastard whenever I lacked sleep...just ask my trench-digging buddy...he got the brunt of it...n thanks to me his blank attachment got stolen...(haha but I stole the sergeant's one back)...
anyway just hope tt i coordinate things better, not piss ppl off, and possibly try to include everyone in grp work...sometimes I dont trust certain ppl...sometimes I dont want to inconvenience others...oh well...something I gotta work on...

Forum

Hi all...I'm finalising details for my proj now...then preparing presentation which is like 20%...die man dont know if i can wake up at 6am tomolo...presenting from 8am-11am...dont know when...sigh...oh well...left presentation...hate sch...arg! hope i dont buang on way home...o/w my proj grp mates will really die..k gtg...here's to the night...f***

AS6

here I m now at AS6 dept in sch...outside LT15 to be specific...trying to do my proj which seems to be progressing at snail's pace...what appeared so promising a few days ago is now a nightmare. Can't seem to be able to come out with a proper framework...I mean we are only students...if we could come out with our own theories and frameworks I guess I would apply for his job and get him kicked out?!?! oh well...still in sch...tomolo is another long day...hope it turns out fine...

Arg!

freakin' hell..I lost my Cat class kids' Godparents contacts and their confirmation names...ironically cos I cleared out my table and prob threw it away! so much for being tidy.
Now i dont know who i called, dont have some contacts and have to get all the names again. so irritating.
felt a little guilty jus now for not telling my CGLs tt i wasnt gg for CG...it has become so ingrained in me NOT to attend tt I completely forgot abt it till like 8+? sigh. no guilt abt not attending though...just for now informing karen or reggie....
still feeling agitated still feeling stressed
can somebody whip my candy ass!

hai~ pathetic attempt at poetry.

Cortisol Levels High

The hormone cortisol, which is released in the body during stressed or agitated states, is also known as the so-called "stress hormone." Cortisol is a steroid hormone made in the adrenal glands, which are small glands adjacent to the kidneys. Cortisol secretion increases in response to any stress in the body, whether physical (such as illness, trauma, surgery, or temperature extremes) or psychological. When cortisol is secreted, it causes a breakdown of muscle protein, leading to release of amino acids (the "building blocks" of protein) into the bloodstream. These amino acids are then used by the liver to synthesize glucose for energy, in a process called gluconeogenesis. This process raises the blood sugar level so the brain will have more glucose for energy. At the same time the other tissues of the body decrease their use of glucose as fuel. Cortisol also leads to the release of so-called fatty acids, an energy source from fat cells, for use by the muscles. Taken together, these energy-directing processes prepare the individual to deal with stressors and ensure that the brain receives adequate energy sources.

According to the following I guess it was good that I had high cortisol levels during this weekend.
Today I really got off on the wrong side of bed and I was mean to almost everyone I saw, including my cat class, sis n family. Was so stressed. Guess I'm like the man who got screwed by the boss and came home to kick to dog. Displacement I believe it is called. Things got much better after my afternoon nap. So here I m...alive and wanting to kick something.

Thank you...

for all those who said a prayer for my sis. She's fine though her mouth is kinda stiched up n she has a gold chain connected to one of her tooth thru the gums...they're gonna pull it down a bit every month. My sis is a brave gal...she's been in and out of hospital since 3 cos of asthma...n she's proudly showing off her 4 extracted teeth whilst me n my bro cringe at their sight.

Thanks also to all those who have been left your words on my blog...means a lot to me. Been feeling alone recently. Can't even get a dinner kaki...a anything kaki...I realise I tend to be ard for ppl but its not reciprocated. I have a few gd frens but they really have their own lives n at least ONE person they can count on. I don't seem to have any such ONE person anymore. Sucks.

Request...

My sis will be going for a minor op tomolo...to remove a tooth that is near her nose...its quite near the sinus n she will be under GA. Pls say a little prayer for her ya? Can't help worrying for her though its supposed to be nothing serious. But still not local anaetesia lor...its GA! have to be at NUH by 730 tomolo morn...k thanks one n all.

I think this is a little extreme!!!

Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are
an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for
one reason or another - possibly, you made one
tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or
maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't
commit. In any case, you are faithless and
joyless. You find no happiness, love, or
acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most
days are a burden and you wonder when the
hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and
sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching
picture. You are the one that few understand.
Those that do know you are likely to love you
deeply and wish that they could do something to
ease your pain. You are constantly living in
memories of better times and a better world.
You are hard on yourself and self-critical or
self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved,
you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite
your tainted nature, your soul is
breathtakingly beautiful.
Image is a painting by Natalya Nesterova,
source:ca80.lehman.cuny.edu/.../
images/fallen_angel.jpg

*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by

STB Scholarship Interview Round 1

I went for the first round of the STB Scholarship Rounds yest at STB. It's this really cool place in town...behind Tanglin Mall there. There was a group of about 20 of us. Went alone, ending up knowing two girls there. Most of the ppl were from arts but I have not seen most of them before. It was quite interesting. Started off with a briefing abt STB, what it does blah blah blah. Then we were broken up into 3 groups and had to take part in 'games'.
The first activity was actually to prepare for a presentation at the end of the day. As usually, there would be a few guys who wayang and as usu I wasnt in the mood for any of it. My group had lots of guys...like 5 guys and 2 gals...the other grps had the oppo composition. Anyway, one of the girls didnt speak up at all cos the guys were dominating the show, cos there were ppl assessing all of us. Felt we did quite a lousy job cos at the end of the 20mins we still didn't really get anything concrete out.
The second activity was better cos I had quite a bit to chip in. It was called some "Man on the moon" thingy where we crashed on the moon n had to rank items to bring with us on a mission to get to mother ship or something. Anyway, I started the ball rolling and managed to persuade them to do certain things though some idiots still refused to use my method (which in my opinion was quite efficient!) oh well...then after tt we had to play this game where we had to form into circles and then using our fingers (pretend your hand is a gun position) to lower a hulla-hoop without our fingers losing contact with the hoop. Its not as easy as you think cos the hoop tends to go up unless everyone relaxes.
Then was the deadly presentation. My group was the last and I was the last speaker. Was quite nervous n guess what...the earlier guys took too much time that I only had 30 sec+ to speak and I was cut off b4 I could even make my 2nd point. Sigh.
Then we had one-on-one interviews. I was the last in my group. Sigh. You know my problem?? I can't lie. And the assessor was good. He could tell that I still couldnt "let go" of social work. So he told me to consider carefully first cos they only want ppl who can commit 100% and asked me to email them if I want to be considered for the scholarship.
I don't think I will.

*My Day Today*
I woke up, did some readings and embarked on my 4 page essay. I expected to take 2-3hrs but ended up spending more than 6hrs on it. Sigh. And its a piece of crap. You know how you know after you write it? Sometimes you feel confident (may be misplaced though ;) sometimes you know you are just writing it for the sake of handing it up. I hate it but I cant help it. arg!
Things got much better when I went to Bridget's place for Confirmation meeting. She made wonderful PIZZA for all of us...had cupcakes, fruits (I didnt touch it) and English tea!! haha wonderful! man...journey is ending soon...till then there's so much to do! arg!

k going to edit my essay before submitting it...nitez one n all...

Catechism Class

I had to pray again today. No choice. But i didnt really mind.
Had cat class again today. It'll be ending soon...Confirmation is on the 7th of Nov...there's a mad rush to finalise everything these days. My good-for-nothing assistant pissed me off again this morn...what a way to start the day. Ass...don't even want to keep some documents for me cos he says he will lose them. Grow up man - you cant be a kid forever.
Class went surprisingly well. Considering the fact that I had not put in a lot of effort. Joy even thanked me for the lesson after class. Was so surprised. Not been very patient these days and there were so many times during class when the kids just went on talking n yakking tt I felt I was gonna lose it but I didnt. Thank goodness.
Went for mass (initial plan was to skip mass but alan changed tt)...then had a short meeting after tt...Lyn n Jos joined me at the table...am really glad to know the kids better.
It was last year after my Yr1 Sem2 exams that I joined as a Catechist with Alan. How much things have changed since then. I guess what I can say is that I really love these kids. I don't think like is strong enough a word to describe how I feel. Of cos they piss me off now n then...they make me feel sad at times but there r others when it seems all worth it. I rem it was difficult in the beginning...I dont know why but they kinda change when they came into sec3...I think maybe sec2 they r 'in a phase' still. They were like outrightly sleeping in class, sms-ing in class...doing everything but listen. I still rem the day I walked out of my class after they pissed me off BIG time...I rem putting in SO much for tt class, taking so much time to plan and prepare stuff for tt lesson and even bringing down my laptop to show them a MTV so they wouldnt find lessons so boring. I'm really glad I didnt give up on them or on myself.
They're much better now. They still talk now n then but at least they know when to keep quiet...dont sms in class...n try not to piss me off. I feel I dont know some of them still though but just glad that the class is closer. The class really didnt interact much in the past but at least now I can say that most of them know each others' names (or so i hope).
Another thing is that I've been pestered to become a Godparent. I dont want the responsibilty esp now when I'm spiritually low n all but I think this guy really cant find anyone else and so I reluctantly agreed. Man...what am I getting myself into?? but then again, I think I will make a better Godparent than some of those a**holes who dont even bother coming down for meetings n might not come down for the day of recollection/rehearsal in a few weeks time. I will give my best though.
Walking back n talking with Alan...found it quite sad that it's me and him again. Sigh. It's like so many have come n gone. Those that are here cant really commit tt much. N tt irritating guy who I call assistant is of NO help whatsoever. BUT I'm jus grateful for all the ppl I've met along the way and gotten to know better. You guys know who you are. I just hope that more committed ppl would step forward. W/o ppl to guide the youth what will become of the future of the Church? I don't mean to be a hypocrite. Yes I know I'm a bastard but at least I'm committed to the kids and will do my best to do what I can. I think that's the least I can do.

I hear but I dont listen...

today had a damn embarrassing incident in class...in front of whole seminar group I talked about something totally irrelevant for some time b4 the lecturer decided to cut in n tell me tt...
I realised that recently I've found it much harder to listen to others...I dont know why...think I'm been too self absorbed?

I know You are there...but I don't wanna talk to You...

I have not been attending any CSS stuff for 2 weeks...usu I dont have to find excuses...things just make it impossible to attend...sometimes...well no CGs, no mass, no talks whatever. The closest I came to praying is when I had to lead my class on sunday. Prob will go for cg this coming week...heh...but prayer or not...life still goes on.

Looking back to how I've grown in NUS these 2 yrs...I think this sem I have degenerated to the point that I came into NUS at. Doesnt really bother me now though cos I dont really give a f***.

She's so high -Kurt Nilsen

She's blood, flesh and bone
No tucks or silicone
She's touch, smell, sight, taste and sound

But somehow I can't believe
That anything should happen
I know where I belong
And nothing's gonna happen

'Cause she's so high
High above me, she's so lovely
She's so high, like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc or Aphrodite
She's so high, high above me

First class and fancy free
She's high society
She's got the best of everything
What could a guy like me ever really offer?
She's perfect as she can be, why should I even bother?

'Cause she's so high
High above me, she's so lovely
She's so high, like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc or Aphrodite
She's so high, high above me

She comes to speak to me I freeze immediately
'Cause what she said sound so unreal
But somehow I can't believe
That anything should happen
I know where I belong
And nothing's gonna happen

'Cause she's so high
High above me, she's so lovely
She's so high, like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc or Aphrodite
She's so high, high above me

Cramps...SWISH...

Hey all...not been feeling too good...been having this stomach cramp thingy again! just know tt it started on sunday n it was so bad i had to see a doc...sigh...really think its psychological. but i cant seem to stop it. Will be resting at home more.

SWISH is this NLP technique tt i learnt in my sw3202 class today...it's damn interesting n it works! today i deleted a sad feeling tt i wanted to forget! n it kinda worked. We supposedly can deleted images or memories tt we want to forget. baotian can vouch for it too!! tell u guys more when i feel better...nitez...

Day

Woke up grumpy...irritated...rude to dad n bro...then went arts corner doing my own work...then Ser came along. Ser is this girl, another one of those who like to make use of me and whom I had gotten to know in NUS...the first thing she said to me was,"Nick I thot you were gonna tell me more about Catholicism?!?" I didnt know how to react, what to say. In the end while she studied for her test I wrote her a postcard...which I found out later, she left at the corner.
I realised that this sem is the first sem in my NUS life tt I have stopped reaching out to ppl...I guess I have been so absorbed with myself my own issues that others dont bother mean anything to me anymore?? Sigh.
Went for my GEK1036 lesson (only one I really look forward to attending)...some gd news at least...my Research Proposal was put up on IVLE as one of the models...but its only 10% n like Dr Deng himself said, we can still screw it up. I hope to carry on the gd (or lucky) work...Lit Review due this coming week.
Went to Sci Lab for my Gen Bio assignment...went with this other girl...I usu address her as "the girl who likes to make use of me"...this one is more extreme, the demands can be quite unreasonable sometimes...so much so its amazing...was quite disappointed tt ahbao couldnt go with me too...so just went with this girl...was quite cold towards her...even asked her to "leave first if she wanted" cos I was too absorbed with the fruit flies.
K here's about the fruit flies, Drosophila melanogaster, that we got to look at thru microscopes...quite fun! the flies are alive but kinda anesthetised with "flyNap". Then quite funny when this China girl beside me kinda screamed cos though the flies were sleeping, you can see them move under the microscope. hahahaha...sorry in my mean mood...but playing with the microscope kinda reminded me of the days when I was so interested in sci I really thought I was gonna be a scientist working in a lab all day. To prove this I still have my Edu-Sci Microscope (somewhere in the storeroom)...I really loved looking at all the specimies (arg I can't freaking spell!!!) under the microscope. I also realised that my hands shake too much to be able to shift the flies gently from one side to the other. We learned how to distinguish the males from the females. heh...apparently the easiest way (to me) is just to look at the abdomen...the males have this more rounded and blackish abdomen near the posterior end. Then the cool part was looking at the mutated flies, vestigial wing mutants. These flies had a gene modified and the result is super small wings which means they can't fly! Ironic how they are still called flies eh? Then the last mutant flies that we saw had multiple mutations, they had like white compound eyes, small wings and forked-bristles...heh real cool! but a little unethical? I dont know.
then headed down to town...got a little card n poster for e-Nel b4 heading home.
A little story abt e-Nel...she is like the first gal I had a major crush on in NUS? I think so lah...up to today I still think that she is the most 'attractive' gal ard (k ahbao...iliep and aniger also k ;) she looked gd today lah in her Green Zara top...White Zara mini-skirt...n make-up. heh. but the party was kinda awkward for me lah cos I like didnt really know anyone else...just went cos when I wanted to backup...Dan said tt she wished I could be there too...so there I was. Luckily Cher was gd enuff to entertain me lah...but for most of time I like had to daydream...heh...then watched my 1st episode of Spore Idol...such a crap show...kelong one. but had a nice walk alone out from Aloha Loyang to Aranda there to take bus.
So here I m now...been rather mean recently...irritable...hope I get better soon...if only this were PMS...then I know it would end.

Falling...

I saw this phrase on a cute little pillow whilst shopping today. Brought a little smile to my face.

You can fall from the sky
You can fall from a tree
But the best way to fall
Is in love with me!

c",)

Ian Wright!!! The best Lonely Planet host ever!!!

Globe Trekker - Search for a Host

I dont know how many of you guys heard of this...but I've been a fan of this show (still prefer the name Lonely Planet though...) and recently they are finding for a host...for just ONE show!!! They did auditions last time but I think I was in army then so I didnt bother...they are having auditions this sat!!! I feel like going man but I dont think I will get in...UNLESS...I drink a Graveyard b4 the audition!! haha...oh those who get in will have the chance to embarrass themselves at Suntec the very next day...heh...sigh...this is a distraction...even if I dont go just thinking about it keep me off work! arg!

TV...SIanzness...

Been watching quite a bit of TV recently...those who know me shd find this weird...
1. Early Edition: Don't know whether you guys have seen this before but I see it on Cable Channell17...about this guy who gets this newspaper with news tt has not happened yet so this guy goes ard trying to prevent the bad things from happening...quite a good show...most recent one has him trying to prove this man on death-row innocent...cos apparently his predecessor had to make a choice between preventing a train wreck or being at the scene to prove this man innocent and becos he chose the former...the latter was affected. No prizes for guessing what happens lah. The good guy always wins.

2. Touched by an Angel: Used to watch this pretty often in the past. Recently again...2pm on Channel5 I think. Today's one was about this family of three...then the dad had an affair n his son found out...n had to keep this secret for sometime. Then as with this show...all ends well lah. Think a more memorable one I watched recently was when Monica (one of the angels) had to part of a jury...to decide the fate of a young man...in the end there was this woman who had 'issues' and was on a personal vendetta to get this man hung. But of cos Monica 'touched' her...of cos lah! I mean the show is called touched by an angel what!?! duh!

3. MTVs!!! I used to LOVE watching MTVs...can keep me glued for hours and then I will go find them n download them...watched this particular one which I felt was interesting... it's called "Why does my heart feel so bad" by Moby. It's this cartoon thingy where the guy just gets hurt lah....even the dog eloped with a cat kinda thing. heh. Cool.

Had lunch with my mum at Cafe Cartel today. Was good lah walking around. I love me mum.

Then when I came back, watched Touched by an Angel n La Liga Highlights then it struck me that I have not been studying this semester. Sigh. Then started on my GEK proj n realised that MAYBE I should have made it S/U. SIgh

Feeling so sianz now...so sianz...

All the books I need for my research are only due on the 10th of Oct. Sigh.

Feeling so dead...so dead...

Sorry if you hoping to see optimism on this blog...you'll be disappointed...

For sometime.

James 1:2-8

A friend once asked me to reflect on this passage. I came across it again today when preparing for Cat Class...I still don't buy it.
It's the theory. Like how you can tell me to move forward, but not why I want to move forward but am stuck in reverse.

Eloisa to Abelard

In these deep solitudes and awful cells,
Where heav'nly-pensive contemplation dwells,
And ever-musing melancholy reigns;
What means this tumult in a vestal's veins?
Why rove my thoughts beyond this last retreat?
Why feels my heart its long-forgotten heat?
Yet, yet I love! — From Abelard it came,
And Eloisa yet must kiss the name.


Dear fatal name! rest ever unreveal'd,
Nor pass these lips in holy silence seal'd.
Hide it, my heart, within that close disguise,
Where mix'd with God's, his lov'd idea lies:
O write it not, my hand — the name appears
Already written — wash it out, my tears!
In vain lost Eloisa weeps and prays,
Her heart still dictates, and her hand obeys.

For the rest of the poem check out...
http://www.monadnock.net/poems/eloisa.html

Slide - by Goo Goo Dolls

Could you whisper in my ear

The things you wanna feel

I'd give ya anythin'

To feel it comin'

Do you wake up on your own?

And wonder where you are

You live with all your faults

I wanna wake up where you are

I won't say anything at all

So why don't you slide

Yeah I'm gonna let it slide

Don't you love the life you killed

The priest is on the phone

Your father hit the wall

Your ma disowned you

Don't supposed I'll ever know

What it means to be a man

Somethin' I can't change

I'll live around it

I wanna wake up where you are

I won't say anything at all

So why don't you slide

Mmm mmm slide

And I'll do anythin' you ever dreamed to be complete

Little pieces of the nothin' that fall

Oh May

Put your arms around me

What you feel is what you are

And what you are is beautiful

Oh May

Do you wanna get married, or run away?

And I'll do anythin' you ever dreamed to be complete

Little pieces of the nothin' that fall

Oh May

Put your arms around me

What you feel is what you are

And what you are is beautiful

Oh May

Do you wanna get married, or run away?

I wanna wake up where you are

I won't say anything at all

(yeah slide)

And I'll do anythin' you ever dreamed to be complete (yeah slide)

Little pieces of the nothin' that fall(yeah slide)

And I'll do anythin' you ever dreamed to be complete

(yeah slide)

Little pieces of the nothin' that fall

(Oh Oh Oh slide)

Yeah, slide between the sheet of all the beds you never knew

(Yeah slide)

Why don't you slide into my room

Just slide into my room

Oh, we'll run away, run away, run away...

MaMbO fEvEr: A tEh~ while still sEh~ (notice the eyes...)

Mambo

I'm home...dont feel like bathing...damn shack...spent...eyes closing...brain dead but still blogging...
had lots of fun jus now...man I've not been to Mambo for like ages...the last time I went I had hair! had a few drinks....Long Island Tea then the deadly GRAVEYARD which I played 5-10 with kes n lost quite a few times...then Flaming Lumbiguini (spelling...heck)....then went to the dance floor to let loose...it was real fun and I had real gd company...thanks to everyONE who was there...love u guys lots...
it was a great night...
wanted to sleep but couldnt...u know I just feel so sad that someone I care so much for doesnt like me back in return...I can just cry till I sleep but...like someone mentioned in her blog...sometimes its kinda a risk u have to take n the more u invest the higher the chance u get hurt...
I still love this girl but...sigh...I can't get over this...sigh...

A mirror drops onto the floor,
breaks into a million pieces,
each one a piece of my heart.

Saying NO; Alcohol

The above heading is separate.

I have been encountering situations where I know or feel that I should say NO...n also situations where I feel others should say NO. We can't always please others by agreeing with them, esp when they are wrong. It is not just a sin to do bad things but also when we fail to do good things and this includes saying no at times. I guess for me, it's so ingrained to maintain harmony and 'avoid the topic' but how can we just stand by whilst people carry on doing what we know is wrong? It's not easy and I hope I would be able to do it. By seeing and letting it go on, we are all accomplices to that act, whatever it may be. Sigh. It's never easy being a Christian.

I've been drinking more alcohol than normal recently. Started thinking back to my IMH stint where I had the chance to run group sessions with those in the Community Addiction Management Program (CAMP). I rem getting quite scared cos after the sharings I realised that most of the alcoholics started off as social drinkers. I was afraid that I would become like them too esp after all those sessions at Chris' place when I was in yr1. heh but then again I got this adversion to 'pure' alcohol aka shots. heh. What's more, most of them were Indian! Of cos got Chinese too lah! But majority were Indians. Whatever it is I would say these are the warning signs to look out for:
1. Turning to alcohol whenever you feel stressed or as a form of relief.
2. The consumption of increasing amounts of alcohol to get the same desired effect (tolerance).
3. The urge to consume alcohol at certain times of the day (eg. b4 sleeping, during meals).
I can't think of any others for now...these are not really scientifically proven but from what I have observed during my group sessions. So be careful.

Tomorrow alcohol and fags beckon.
Will I succumb?

Ed (with knife): Hold still whilst my Boss kisses your head!!!

Sometimes...

you think you have forgotten something but when you read it again, you relive it again and you feel it again.

Injuries, Flu, Lame-ness.

Played soccer in the morning...was damn lousy at 1st...blasted like 3 shots (almost in a row) over the bar when 1on1 with Kayno...sheesh...thot i was never gonna score...then Chris n the rest asked me to play up for our 2nd last match...wayne set me up for the first goal then I managed to finally put it away :) thanks wayne...scooped one shot over Gerard...after missing the first shot...n then the 3rd was like cos I was slow to go back n then someone won the ball n fed it to me to score. As wayne does...here is my injury list:
1. sore hip (or rather the joint bet the thigh n hip)...still limping n uncomfortable...sustained when trying to stop kayne's goal.
2. sore hand: sustained when failed to stop dennis' wonderful goal
3. bruised toes: aiya always get one lah.
then my stupid fat calfs keep cramping...was stretching when walking to bus-stop with kes then when i saw my bus n ran, the other calf cramped up. sigh. I'm the epitome of un-fitness.
Met Alan n Ser for planning n they ended up coming my place...haha planning went well except I was damn nuah~ heh
then had a short nap b4 heading down to pick Nan, then Jo n Renita from hall to go Joel's place for the CGL gathering...my FLU was quite bad n it made me so irritated tt i was driving like an aRs...switching lanes n all...sigh...patience!! then i was SUPER lame with all my lame jokes which i couldnt contain. Think a possible research topic would be how parts of the brain which helps in self-control are affected when u have FLU.
heh.
had a gd supper with Nan at Jackson's too.
k gtg sleep now...Cat Class beckons at 730am tomolo...
zzZZ

Walk

I really like long walks at night...only prob is I sweat a lot but it isnt tt bad at night...walked from Bedok Interchange to Tampines (near the TPE) where I took a cab...
It's nice to just think about stuff...(try not to think of sad stuff lah)...just to soak in the surroundings...then its like u start to see things tt u normally wouldnt...heh...like two weird shaped snails tt I almost stepped on! then seeing the forested area near Bedok Reservoir reminded of my days staying in bunkers during outfield...heh...now look back can laugh but those days were real shitty. then just enjoying the night time. more walks in time? haha at least now I know got one possible walking kaki...but too bad u dont stay in Sengkang!
Tomolo is gonna be packed:
Morning - Soccer
Afternoon - Catechism Planning
Evening - CGL gathering
On the way back in the cab, the radio played 3 of my fav songs in a row!! I think its a sign esp since Val says we shd all go K-box...Fixing A Broken Heart, You were there & Can't Cry Hard Enough...oh man...I must sing sing sing! though i cant sing sing sing.
oh guys u know...I really feel like gg for this something but the reason why i dont want to go is cos of someone...I dont think i shd not go just becos of this someone right? sign oh well...nothing's better than a gd nitez rest...ciao~

STB Scholarship

The Dean's Office emailed some people to invite us to apply for the Singapore Tourism Board Scholarship. After reading it I got attracted to it cos they said they would send those accepted for overseas attachments and all that. Bond period is the no. of yrs of education that they pay for which means if I get it it would have been a max of 2 yrs only.
Sigh. I think this is a distraction to what I want to do in future. But is social work really what I should go into? As in I really want to do it...after the attachment I believe I can but some practical limitations keep me worrying.
Alan asked me to apply n see how but I decided not to apply at all though I filled up the form already. I think Laziness was the main reason why. Sigh. I hope it's the right decision. Anyway I prob wouldnt have gotten it anyway.
*cognitive dissonance: Leon Festinger*

City Of Angels

I watched this movie when I was in NJ with a few of my classmates...I rem crying pretty badly.
I watched it again this afternoon on my laptop with my sis...she's not very emotional. But thanks to the stoic company I didnt shed a tear though some welled up in my eyes.
I think it's tragic to say the least that Nick Cage gave up being an angel to be with Meg just to have her taken away the very next day. How is he gonna live the rest of his life knowing that the very person he loves and gave everything up for is no longer there with him?
There was this line that struck me..."I rather have just one breath of her hair...one kiss of her mouth...one touch of her hand...then eternity without it"
At least I know I tried...in future when I look back I know I would have no regrets.

De-commissioned

Ppl tell me u dont get de-commissioned! but ships do! those in the navy will know.
Anyway yest the 56th exco got commissioned and it was great. You know how u think tt certain things will happen n they dont? well I really thot i would cry yest but i didnt. Just felt peace.
went Tango's with exco7 -kester last night.
I had:
1 bottle Stella Artois
1 Graveyard
1 bottle Corona
1 half-pint Kilkenny
1 Tequilla Pop
1 can Kilkenny
Of cos I also 'stole' a bit of Ian's graveyard, Ina's Spore Sling etc. The secret is not in how much you drink but the speed at which u drink (esp so with graveyard...girls pls dont try it).
I just wanted to drink to forget. But forget I cannot.
I had great company though. And a big big thank you to Ernie, Jules n Ina...for taking care of me...hearing me out...comforting me...n sending me home!
You know I just didnt want to go home last night...when I reached my void deck I puked (again) then sat myself down on a bench at the play ground to collect myself. I woke up abt half an hour later and went up, fully sober but spent. No hangover this morning. Just gratefullness for what I have.

In the service of Love, only Broken Hearts will do...

During my medical social work lect today...we watched a video about some ppl who had gone thru very traumatic experiences...the above quote is what one of the guys said and it kinda struck me...I'm still trying to find out the essense of the quote...any thots?

Postgrad Joke...(for all those doing or thinking of doing a thesis)

Hey my lecturer told me this postgrad joke during my cross-cultural communication lect today but I thot it applied to all those doing theses. I'm not a very good story teller though so...
There was once this rabbit who lived in this hole. One fine day, he decided to come out to enjoy the warm sunny weather and as he busked in the sun, he did not notice a fox had sneaked up behind him and caught hold of him! Just as the fox was about to eat the rabbit, the rabbit stopped it and told it to give him a few more days cos he was finishing up his thesis on the "Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves". The fox could not hide its bemusement and the rabbit invited the fox to go into its hole to take a look if he didnt believe it. The fox went into the hole and never appeared again.
A few days later when the rabbit came out to busk in the warm glow of sunshine, a wolf sneaked behind him and caught him again! The rabbit, as he had done before, told the wolf to give him a few more days cos he was finishing up his thesis on the "Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves". The wolf laughed so hard that he almost lost grip of the rabbit. The rabbit once again invited the wolf to go into its hole to view the thesis if he didnt believe him. The wolf went into the hole and was never seen of again.
After this rabbit had completed his thesis, he had a hugh celebration and invited many of his rabbit frens. When they asked about his thesis topic, the rabbit beemed with pride and said that his topic was on the "Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves". All the rabbits were amazed and asked to see the thesis. All of them scurried into the rabbit's postgrad room in the hole in which he lived and the sight they saw was typical of any such room - a large table in the center, paper shrewn all over the place and academic journals lining the shelves at the side. On the right of the table was a pile of fox bones and on the left was a pile of wolf bones. In the center of the table sat a big fat well-fed lion who was the rabbit's supervisor.

Moral of the story? To write a good thesis, the title doesnt matter, the subject matter is inconsequent and your hypothesis need not be logical. All you need is a helpful and satisfied supervisor.

Hmmm...somehow I dont think I delivered this as well as my lecturer did but I sure laughed after he was done with it (for most of it I was wondering where it was gg...)

Anyway a littel about my day...slept only 3 hrs so was dead tired and after lect I studied awhile in lib b4 heading home...had lunch with Darryl at Harbourfront there then went home...realised that I m usu fine when I m with ppl but when I m alone its when the thots come flooding back and even though I was tired I only managed to fall asleep at 8pm...woke up at 930 for my Catechist meeting...which was quite fun esp when we were just chatting...then Alan n myself walked Ser n San home...on our way home, we got stopped by the police n had our particulars taken down...I dont know why but I always seem to get stopped by the police. so here I m now...

Though I still feel sad when I m by myself, I want to spend more time to myself. I always considered that to be something impt and something we all should do. The first thing that comes to my mind when I just lie down is this line which I believe will be in my mind n heart for a long time to come: "...my _________ has to be complete and final." It hurts. Another day has passed...life goes on...somehow.

Long Day...

Day started early as usu...had breakfast with Darryl in arts corner b4 heading down to lib...managed to read a bit b4 starting to do nonsense like flipping thru my NJ yr bk...hope I didnt distract Mark too much...heh
Had Medical SW lect n Chunyat showed me this fantastic article which I have decided to photocopy n keep...think I will write selected abtracts from it when I have more time...its basically abt girls and how they lead guys on...the new breed of girls...how some guys can only be 'teddy bears'...how love can make even a smart person do stupid things...heh...was very well written somemore by a sci person...heh...impressed...passed it ard the sw guys as well as some CSS ppl...anyway stayed back at 6 to meet my Gen Bio TAs...the big lady was quite funny with her jokes abt how we shdnt open our mouth in the lab cos she saw flies tt were supposed to be dead fly into ppl's open mouths...n other stuff...but was quite a waste of time lah the session...
trip home was interesting...went home this gal I got to know in my SS tut in Yr1 Sem2 tt was like almost 2 yrs ago...haha n somehow she rem my name...I had to ask her again for hers...anyway the whole trip back she talked almost non-stop and I seemed to have learnt her life story...she kept asking me stuff...hmmm...not really used to it cos used to sleeping on the NEL liaoz...but well...interesting lah...I still prefer solitude though...
Met Ser for pool...finally i got to play!! haha i think we r about the same standard lah...it was fun...though when Alan came we started to play like shit! then we went for supper cos Ser wanted ice cream and I wanted my prata...had quite a gd chat with them...I hope we can still hang out more in future...was quite afraid tt once sch started we wouldnt be able to meet up...esp when sem peaks n ser starts flying again...thanks for the company guys...appreciate it lots...
thank you to all those who were part of my life today...

Macadamia Mambo

I'm addicted to this ice-cream flavor...its great I tell you...eaten about a litre myself already...heh heh...
Feel down but will survive...

feel...

I really wish I was less of a feeling person. But there are probably some things about myself I cant change. I can learn to control my temper but how do you start to control your emotions esp since so much of it comes naturally?
to be honest I still dont feel like praying...I only pray when I have to i.e. when the ppl ard me pray. Its like a cold war with God...sigh
I have some people to thank though...in no particular order...
MarkC: For being there with me on fri when I felt tt I didnt want to go on anymore...for listening for being with me and for still being my gd fren after all these yrs...
Ahbao: For always being my 'brain' and being with me when I go thru trials...for encouraging me in my work and being such a gd fren...
MarkG: For waking me up and sharing stuff with me...I thank you my fren...it's touching...
Darryl: Dude...u have been good company esp during times when I didnt want anyone else ard...thanks for being there n sharing...
CGLC partner: thanks for inspiring me with ur Godliness and service n the gift of joy u bring...
Fr Fred: Your words of wisdom and for all the advice n support...
55th Exco7: for the singing of songs n prayer on Sunday...love u guys lots...
Kayno: For being u n my forever fren..."mini-me, you complete me"...
CG members: for being my spiritual support n knowing some of u guys r there for me...
My little angel: for the numerous smses, encouragements and just being there for me...i'm really glad to have known u...
I'm sorry if I've left out anyone...its late and my mind cant think too thoroughly...

Even as my heart bleeds,
I know it will heal,
time is all it needs,
until then I will conceal,
all the pain that I feel,
with smiles on my face,
lame jokes to boot,
so that none may see,
the Broken Nick.

Prayer 2

Dear Lord, I thank you for not answering my prayer.

Today was the exco discernment and I don't rem praying as much as I have today. As Father said, when we pray for others, we pray for ourselves too. And that is what happened to me today, after so much prayer I feel better. There are still doubts, issues to settle but I feel more hopeful. All I need is time I guess. Time.

I really love the 55th Exco...it'll be one of those memories which I will hold dear to me for the rest of my life.
To HMB, Kes, Julez, Pumbaa, HD and Ina...I love you all. Thanks for being you. I will always rem u guys...
and presenting the 56th Exco:

President - Keenan my 'partner'
Vice Pres - Jason Koh
Secretary - Elgin
Treasurer - Barry
Religious Sec - Aloy
Publicity Officer - Paul
SPO!!!! - Dyan!!!

haha...congrats to the new 56th Exco7...may God bless you all...I'm sure you guys will do a great job.

tiring man...heh...gonna rest soon...zzZZ

Prayer

Dear Lord,
as I was walking from Bizad to SRC just now I prayed to you begging you for just one thing. I know it is rude to ask the giver to take back a gift but this gift means nothing to me now. In fact, this gift is causing me pain. Lord, all I wanted was for you to take my life. There would be no difference between carrying on and ending now.
Lord, today you gave me a gift. A gift of a friend who had also, like myself, decided to attend mass at the last minute and someone to accompany me and talk to me. I thank you for that. However, I still do not retract my previous prayer. It's still how I feel and if it is your will, let it be done. This I ask in your most Holy name. Amen.

Banging against the Wall

There have been so many things tt happened including exco AGM last fri but after sharing with my CG today...I dont feel like blogging abt it again...overall it was good and I felt God helping n guiding me as I did my sharing and throughout the whole AGM process...


a gd fren of mine used this analogy before and I guess I could in a way use it to describe my present state...I have NO one else to blame but myself for choosing to continually bang myself against this wall...I dont know why...it hurts I guess but I just feel too much for this wall to want to stop? for me now I will just continue to bang against this wall...to be fair to this wall...it's def not its fault...I chose to do this...but deep inside I guess I wish it would crumble so that I could get to the other side. I guess the timing is all wrong. Or is it me. I dont know. For now I will continue to do it...how long i will last i dont know but i guess i shd at least try...or rather be there for this wall cos I think it is worth it...I hope the pain stops though.

Ache

The past week went by pretty fast...helped by the fact that my lessons only started on thurs. Missed two on Mon since it was National Day. Just rem fear creeping in when I saw all the sw smarties dd the mods with me. It's not gonna be easy. Fri was gd...didnt want to go for post-mass stuff but in the end it was gd...went TCC with abeng n arts ppl. :) also said a closing prayer kinda thing after mass...dont know why but I just felt like saying something...it was a feeling I couldnt really supress but then MarkG pointed out tt I was shouting out the prayer which I did not realise I was doing. And in the end it didnt turn out as gd as I wished it to be. Sigh. But nevertheless I was brave enough to say it out.
Anyway I did something on sat. I guess I feel better in a sense cos....but I just can't get rid of this aching I feel inside. I feel quite sad. :) Every passing moment seems to take ages when I am alone and I seem to have lost quite a bit of meaning in this life. I just float aimlessly ard. Call someone, hoping the person is free. Phone ppl but don't dare to disturb some. Sms some gd frens hoping for them to carry on the messages. Every passing moment takes ages. I do some SP comm stuff but then sun is still up. I will mark my tuition kid's work soon but he didnt do much. I want to study like I set out to do on Proj DO It...shd be starting this week but then again can I? at least i got a study kaki already :) she has been a gd fren these few days. CG starts tomolo...I m looking forward to it...but for now there's something I have to deal with...alone.

Goodbye Goatee, Hello School!

As part of my prep to return to sch on thurs, I've finally shaved off my goatee. Kinda miss it cos I'm been so used to having those strands of hair on my chin. Sigh. Till we meet again.
Anyway, I finally got my 5th mod. Thank goodness. Oh and I've decided that once sch starts, I'm gonna (try) to put everything behind me and work hard. The arts corner will NOT be my hangout place as far as possible but every quiet corner in the lib will be. I'll be looking for hardworking ppl to study with from week1...don't know if any of you would be interested? Pls contact me ya? I usually don't do well in sem1 and I'm hoping to break the duck this semester. I'll name this task, Project Do It, inspired by the wonderful movie I caught with Kay n Way - Starsky and Hutch. Do it...do it...
Anyway, went to catch a movie with Alex earlier. She wanted to watch a chinese martial arts flick and so she decided to treat me to it (think this is def the first time a girl is treating me to a movie). I assumed "House of Flying Daggers" would be relatively good considering the cast of Andy Lau (come on I expected more...I like this guy!!), Jing Chen Wu (I don't know his jap name but I listened and bought his chinese cassette when I was in pri6!!) and Zhang Ziyi (tt loose woman) but it turned out to be more of a love story than a martial arts flick. haha but it was funny cos there were some scenes that were so comical, like when Andy and Jin were fighting then the weather change from like autumn to the cold harsh winter (what's up man) and when Zhang Ziyi refused to die after a total of three times when we thot she was dead...I mean come on she had a bloody knife stabbed through her chest lor. haha...but really lah...for comic relief it was good...haha n free too. heh. Was good meeting up with Alex though...she will be gg back to Canada next wed so it'll prob mean another early morning at Changi Airport...don't know why she always catches the 7am flight. Oh well...
The hols is finally ending...but I only had one week of it!! haha...don't worry I will make full use of the momentum I already have to propel me towards the exams!!! muahahaha...I'll be the last one to end again...finish this sem on the 2nd of Dec...I'm so dead. k gtg now...gonna do SP comm stuff...and whatever stuff...stuff stuff stuff...puff puff puff...huff huff huff...

*end of transmission* (author has collapsed)

Sadness...

I used to be able to sleep away my thoughts or feelings but this time around it's not working...
I end up dreaming about what I had been thinking about the previous day/night and end up waking up feeling emotionally drained, and worse, really sad. I don't see a solution to this except to pray and ride it out. In an article on Psychology of Mind and Health Realisation I read, they said that such things are like clouds that darken your sky...the only thing to do is to ride it out cos you cannot consciously change it. My heart feels very heavy...
Despite this...I must thank God for the numerous ppl in my life...at times when I just wanted to be alone after not being to get ppl out n all tt...He purposedly brought others into my life...
1. Exco7 esp Fr Fred: You guys have been so much to me this past year...think I m having problems facing up to ending our term and I really think that I will just end up crying like mad on the 10th of Sept when the new exco is commissioned. Fr Fred, thanks for the talk in the car, it has helped me somewhat...haha and of cos thanks for the ride back which helped me recover in time to play soccer.
2. Soccer mates: Thanks for the game...felt I was so un-fit and all but somehow still managed to score three measly goals, none of which were fantastic, but all of which had some gd play from the rest of the team. I thank God for the game and the friends who were there.
3. FOC thanksgiving dinner: I don't know whether those ard me realised but I was quite sianz and sad coming into this dinner...but as usu I didnt want to show it. However, this great bunch of ppl helped me to forget my state of mind and just participate in this feast and fellowship. I really thank God for these people...some of whom I've really gotten to know while working with them. I thank God for all of u.
4. Cat Class, catechists: I really thought my mood would affect my class but in the end it didn't. Though my sharing group was a little noisy, God gave me the patience and calmness to talk to them and try to get them to share. I thank God also for all the wonderful catechists who I've gotten to know this hols...hope that we continue our service to God in this area.
5. Keenan, new CGLs: I felt that the meeting went well and though some of us were not feeling at our best, I think that our presense rubbed off on one another. Looking forward to working with these guys. :)
6. Lex: Thanks for listening to my whinings...u r a great sponge and a great fren...glad u managed to catch the fireworks with the guys and that u enjoyed yourself 'trekking'. You better get some rest b4 sch starts too ya? its been great knowing u...seeya more when sch starts...
7. Dad, mum, sis: For having dinner with me or tog after not being to go out to watch the fireworks...it was simple but gd...n as usu my mum had to stuff me with food. :)
8. Alan: Thanks for hanging out with me at Punggol End...I really appreaciated the company. It's like when no one else is free...you were there. heh. not tt u were a last choice...i didnt mean it tt way...so its a gd thing tt u r usu free k? ;) thanks for being a friend. was quite funny thinking abt the hate sms i sent u b4 i got to know ya...sorry abt tt!! :
And of cos to all the other people in my life who have been ard...sent by God...keeping in touch thru sms, email, icq (yes stupid msn as well)...thanks for being you...n of cos the Big Guy up there...

still I wish I would feel better soon...