stuck

I think I'm stuck.

I can't seem to progress any more than I currently have. maybe this is the best state that i can hope for considering all that has happened.

maybe i should just accept my current state.

Medley

And now that you've gone
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

Gonna open my eyes
And see for the first time
I let go of you like
A child letting go of his kite

There it goes, up in the sky
There it goes, beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

-------------------------------------

I don't wanna talk
About the things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

--------------------------

I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times
That I’ve cried
All that’s wasted
It’s all inside

And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It’s back again

And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can’t mend

this pain

this pain I'm feeling, it's real. it's not the physical kind but it has a physiological sensation to it. one of being heavy hearted, a tight squeezing sensation that is automatic whenever there is a trigger or stimulus which activates thoughts, memories which remind me of this person.

i regret having ever met her. having ever seen her. having ever called her out for lunch. having gotten back together with her though she had hurt me before. and i let her hurt me once more, so bad i don't know if i'll make it through this time.

i hate her. i hate what she has done. i hate everything about her. i wish her dead.

and yet, i love her. more than anything in this world. and i want the best for her.

i want to feel numb but all i feel is this pain and the warm tears flowing down my cheeks.

i want to bail out from this existence. but responsibility gets the better of me. i can't. i have to support my family. support my sis through her education. be there for my parents and pay them back for all they have done for me.

and of cos all my friends, including you, who came to the hospital to visit me, support me when i was down and for some, even rush down just to be there in my time of need. thank you.

I'm sorry for being such a disappointment to you.

take care. God bless.