pls don't read if you don't wanna get depressed or have your mood affected.
I don't know why I'm doing this. Maybe, it's cos of my reflective mood. Maybe it's the music that I'm listening to now. I just feel sad. And I guess there're some things I have to speak of, tell everyone. Just this once.
I think my biggest problem is my low self-confidence/esteem. Well, maybe 2nd biggest problem. The real reason why I took social work was because I wanted to become a good person. I wanted to help others. To make a difference in the lives of others. How does low self-esteem/confidence come into the pic? I doubt. I doubt my own ability to get out there and make a difference without either screwing up the lives of others or getting seriously hurt myself. I've opened up another door in recent days and I'm seriously considering going out into the field and be there. Be there for those who society shun. To help them to help themselves. To hopefully get them to change for themselves. To renew & restart. I don't know the outcome. But I'm hopeful. I guess the reason why I chose to stay in the uni is cos I thought I could make a difference in the area of research, as it's an area that I feel I'm rather apt. I'm making an effort to try out new things, to be more adventurous. To take the risks and enjoy the life a 25 year old would.
My biggest problem is that I hate myself. I wish I could give myself the respect that some people show me. I wish I could love myself, like God would. There's so many things that I hate about myself. The worst of which is my temper - when I show my middle-finger to the fucker who's hogging the right-most lane, when I get irritated with family members and lose my cool with them, when I lose my cool during soccer. How can hate and love coincide? I guess that's the reason why I'm shunning love, cos I don't think I can handle it. Though, it is something I want at this point of time but I don't think I'm ready. But can I ever resolve my 'issues'? Should I give love a chance? We'll see...
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
many thoughts, little conclusions
Been thinking a lot recently. What's new? Let's pen (or digitise) some of them...
MarkG asked me a very poignant question yesterday which kinda caught me off guard - Are you happy? I thought about it for a while and we decided that I was not happy, but not unhappy. Get it? I don't know why, but been frowning more till it has become my "neutral" look, i.e. the look you see when I'm stoning or not really doing anything. To begin with, I don't think I had a friendly "neutral" look. Oh well...back to the question on happiness...I would say I live for the moments of happiness but in between, there're nothing really to look forward to or be happy about. I won't blame it solely on work but it does play a part I guess. But after MarkG asked that question, I've still been pondering it and thinking of how I can make myself happy. Maybe I should really read the book - Authentic Happiness - by Martin Seligman (those who took psych will know him as the guy who coined the term "learned helplessness"). I bought it for my thesis and read bits here and there but maybe a more thorough read is warranted. I doubt I can find happiness in a book though. I mean, if it were that simple, would we still need prozac and other anti-depressants? Would ppl still be depressed?
Talking about books, I've been reading A million little pieces, by James Frey. It's basically the story of this guy's struggle with alcohol & drugs. Some of you may have heard about the controvesy of him lying about some parts of his life but that doesn't bother me. I find his pain very real and vividly described although I do question whether he exaggerates. It also got me thinking. If you were to ask me what the world's biggest problem is, I wouldn't tell you it's War, Terrorism, AIDS, global warming, etc. I'll say it's loneliness.
I think that loneliness is a very big but under-rated problem. The fact that it may lay hidden without being discovered worsen the situation. James expressed this same loneliness that transcends being close to another woman or even sex. I see this loneliness among many teens, even though they're always hanging out with their friends. I guess you will only really know when you lie in bed before falling asleep; do you feel alone then? Do you feel lonely, like you're the only one around; that no one else is thinking of you at that very moment? I rem reading this book, Metamorphosis, after my A levels and found it disturbing. If I rem it right, it's basically this guy who lies in bed cos he has turned into a fly and is dying, which describes his alienation from everyone & everything. In retrospect, how many ppl in this world feel the same? I think it may be a bigger problem in Singapore because we're not encouraged to find ourselves first, unlike in the angmoh countries. We're introducted into the pre-fabricated system at a tender age of what, 4? And then we begin our time in the educational production line - nursery (which I didn't go for thankfully), kindergarden, pri sch, sec sch, jc, uni. Don't know what you wanna do in life? Nevermind, just study hard first, keep your options open. Bury yourself in work, studies, CCAs, work, church, whatever to escape the inevitable question of what you wanna do. Who are you? I don't know; just study first, you'll find out later. Yeah, right. Born into the system; die in it. Without ever knowing yourself. Sad. Do you know yourself? Strip away your roles - student, employee, employer, father/mother, son/daughter, brother/sister, friend - and tell me who are you? The problem with defining yourself with roles is when these roles are taken away, do you lose your identity. Do you stop being who you thought you were?
Watched Singapore Dreaming on Monday and found it quite good. At least I gained another perspective from it. Most of those who caught it found it slow-moving and a little boring, but for me, it reflected Singaporean reality pretty well. For me, it made me conscious of my "biased sample" of friends who are mostly undergraduates or graduates. Thus, I fail to see the struggles of those who don't have that "piece of paper" and the resultant inherent struggles. Just found the movie surprisingly depressing though; something virtually unheard of in local films. Interesting. I'm sure it reflects some part of reality here. A good attempt Mr W0ffles WU!
K that's all for now. Stay tuned for updates from the speck of dust.
MarkG asked me a very poignant question yesterday which kinda caught me off guard - Are you happy? I thought about it for a while and we decided that I was not happy, but not unhappy. Get it? I don't know why, but been frowning more till it has become my "neutral" look, i.e. the look you see when I'm stoning or not really doing anything. To begin with, I don't think I had a friendly "neutral" look. Oh well...back to the question on happiness...I would say I live for the moments of happiness but in between, there're nothing really to look forward to or be happy about. I won't blame it solely on work but it does play a part I guess. But after MarkG asked that question, I've still been pondering it and thinking of how I can make myself happy. Maybe I should really read the book - Authentic Happiness - by Martin Seligman (those who took psych will know him as the guy who coined the term "learned helplessness"). I bought it for my thesis and read bits here and there but maybe a more thorough read is warranted. I doubt I can find happiness in a book though. I mean, if it were that simple, would we still need prozac and other anti-depressants? Would ppl still be depressed?
Talking about books, I've been reading A million little pieces, by James Frey. It's basically the story of this guy's struggle with alcohol & drugs. Some of you may have heard about the controvesy of him lying about some parts of his life but that doesn't bother me. I find his pain very real and vividly described although I do question whether he exaggerates. It also got me thinking. If you were to ask me what the world's biggest problem is, I wouldn't tell you it's War, Terrorism, AIDS, global warming, etc. I'll say it's loneliness.
I think that loneliness is a very big but under-rated problem. The fact that it may lay hidden without being discovered worsen the situation. James expressed this same loneliness that transcends being close to another woman or even sex. I see this loneliness among many teens, even though they're always hanging out with their friends. I guess you will only really know when you lie in bed before falling asleep; do you feel alone then? Do you feel lonely, like you're the only one around; that no one else is thinking of you at that very moment? I rem reading this book, Metamorphosis, after my A levels and found it disturbing. If I rem it right, it's basically this guy who lies in bed cos he has turned into a fly and is dying, which describes his alienation from everyone & everything. In retrospect, how many ppl in this world feel the same? I think it may be a bigger problem in Singapore because we're not encouraged to find ourselves first, unlike in the angmoh countries. We're introducted into the pre-fabricated system at a tender age of what, 4? And then we begin our time in the educational production line - nursery (which I didn't go for thankfully), kindergarden, pri sch, sec sch, jc, uni. Don't know what you wanna do in life? Nevermind, just study hard first, keep your options open. Bury yourself in work, studies, CCAs, work, church, whatever to escape the inevitable question of what you wanna do. Who are you? I don't know; just study first, you'll find out later. Yeah, right. Born into the system; die in it. Without ever knowing yourself. Sad. Do you know yourself? Strip away your roles - student, employee, employer, father/mother, son/daughter, brother/sister, friend - and tell me who are you? The problem with defining yourself with roles is when these roles are taken away, do you lose your identity. Do you stop being who you thought you were?
Watched Singapore Dreaming on Monday and found it quite good. At least I gained another perspective from it. Most of those who caught it found it slow-moving and a little boring, but for me, it reflected Singaporean reality pretty well. For me, it made me conscious of my "biased sample" of friends who are mostly undergraduates or graduates. Thus, I fail to see the struggles of those who don't have that "piece of paper" and the resultant inherent struggles. Just found the movie surprisingly depressing though; something virtually unheard of in local films. Interesting. I'm sure it reflects some part of reality here. A good attempt Mr W0ffles WU!
K that's all for now. Stay tuned for updates from the speck of dust.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
BOSTON -Augustana
in the light of the sun, is there anyone? oh it has begun...
oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
this world you must've crossed...you said...
you don't know me, you don't even care,
you don't know me, you don't wear my chains...
essential and appealed, carry all your thoughts across
an open field,
when flowers gaze at you...they're not the only ones who cry
when they see you
you said...
you don't know me, you don't even care,
you don't know me, you don't wear my chains...
she said i think i'll go to boston...
i think i'll start a new life,
i think i'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
i'll get out of california, i'm tired of the weather,
i think i'll get a lover and fly em out to spain...
i think i'll go to boston,
i think that i'm just tired
i think i need a new tow, to leave this all behind...
i think i need a sunrise, i'm tired of the sunset,
i hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice...
boston...where no one knows my name...
oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
this world you must've crossed...you said...
you don't know me, you don't even care,
you don't know me, you don't wear my chains...
essential and appealed, carry all your thoughts across
an open field,
when flowers gaze at you...they're not the only ones who cry
when they see you
you said...
you don't know me, you don't even care,
you don't know me, you don't wear my chains...
she said i think i'll go to boston...
i think i'll start a new life,
i think i'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
i'll get out of california, i'm tired of the weather,
i think i'll get a lover and fly em out to spain...
i think i'll go to boston,
i think that i'm just tired
i think i need a new tow, to leave this all behind...
i think i need a sunrise, i'm tired of the sunset,
i hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice...
boston...where no one knows my name...
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Karen forced me to do this quiz!
Name 20 people you can think of at the top of your head, without reading the questions below. Tag 5 more people to do this quiz.
1. Karen
2. Kes
3. Ian
4. HD
5. Hannah
6. Charkwa
7. Mello
8. Ivan
9. Chunky
10. Tini
11. MarkC
12. Rhys
13. Alan
14. Ed
15. Shirley
16. Chunyat
17. Ahbao
18. Wati
19. Jian Ting
20. Liling
haha...I don't know lei...but I know Chunky will treat her very well...
2. Alexis
3. Charkwa
4. Mello
5. Angie
(haha, so actually only 2 ppl have to do it...)
and now for my BATTLE CRY!!!!
1. Karen
2. Kes
3. Ian
4. HD
5. Hannah
6. Charkwa
7. Mello
8. Ivan
9. Chunky
10. Tini
11. MarkC
12. Rhys
13. Alan
14. Ed
15. Shirley
16. Chunyat
17. Ahbao
18. Wati
19. Jian Ting
20. Liling
how did you meet no.14?
Let me see...I met him in CSS (Catholic Students' Society) and the first time I noticed him was when he was a Game master for this game during a combined retreat and left me sore abs the next morning. I guess that's when it started (our frenship) cos he sent me a warm fuzzy, which I didn't expect at all :)
what would you do if you never met no.1?
wow...interesting question, I think I wouldn't have a supper kaki, might never have been to Grapevine and wouldn't have gotten to know (or kiss) Owen!
haha...I don't know lei...but I know Chunky will treat her very well...
did you ever like no.19?
well, unless I'm gay, no, not in that way...would no.6 and no.17 make a good couple?
enough of gay couples la...
describe no.3
he's a crazy fun-loving guy who has a soft interior and whom I can talk serious as well as crap...do you think no.8 is attractive?
of cos la, he's a hot Indian dude!tell me something about no.7
haha...she'll kill me if I told you what I thot of saying...go ask her yourself...say "Netto don't dare say something about you & PGP..."do you know any of 12's family?
haha no, we're not close at all...what's no.8's favorite?
favourite girl? Ira...what would you do if 11 confesses that he/she likes you?
wtf? you mean you took our Gabrielite brotherly love literally? ;) oh ya, pun NOT intended with "wtf"!!!what language does no.15 speak?
I don't know lei...I just pretend I understand...now with braces even more jialat! just kidding Ms Surely! :pwho is no.9 going out with?
Toyota Altis...(I hope I got it right!)
how old is no.16 now?
same as me... 25
when was the last time you talked to no.13?
Wednesday night on the phone...
who's no.2's favorite band/singer?
shit...he mentioned on his blog that he's listening and bought the CD of a band but I can't remember....anyway think he likes Beyond n stuff like that...retro is a definite....would you date no.4?
why not...
would you date no.7?
why not also...(darn, I sound easy...)is no.15 single?
yupz she is...the last time to spoke to her...
what's no. 10's last name?
hmmm I don't know lei...dont know her very well...would you ever be in a serious relationship with no.18?
haha, maybe?
which school does no.3 go to?
NUS Sch of Med, gonna grad soon!
what's your favorite thing about no.5?
she is fun and always entertains me but also has a serious side whereby she can lead...and for sending me home that night almost 2 yrs ago when I was pissed drunk...thank you...
have you seen no.1 naked?
of cos la!TAG FIVE PEOPLE:
1. Kes2. Alexis
3. Charkwa
4. Mello
5. Angie
(haha, so actually only 2 ppl have to do it...)
and now for my BATTLE CRY!!!!
Zang! Who is that, skulking through the steppes! It is Nick-net-toe, hands clutching a burning branch! And with a booming grunt, his voice cometh:
"I'm going to hump you with such zeal, the Earth will spin twice as fast!"
Check out yours here.Busy but fulfilling week
This week has been the most packed so far. At least since I started work. There was something on everyday after work and this week in work had the most deadlines I've seen so far. And I managed to settle all except two, both of which were out of my hands as they required action to be taken by others.
Monday - Went for Abeng commissioning after work.
Tuesday - Meeting in church; I guess I'm no longer a catechist but a youth council member?
Wednesday - Attended Abeng CG and must say that I've enjoyed it. Learnt quite a bit from the perspective of others, esp those of other nationalities. I think one of the girls also shared something which I will have to face one day too. Then rushed down to meet Shaun Mat, AGT & Gloria for dinner at the new Raffles City basement. Felt a bit awed, with a pilot & doctor (both have their own cars) and a NYGH sch teacher. All pocketing pay packets beyond mine too. Was nice catching up and felt kinda guilty cos the guys made me realise that I've missed every single outing they've had in the past 2/3 yrs? I promised to "do lunch" or something with them soon. I will keep this promise.
Thursday - Arts commissioning @ Holy Cross. Quite nice to see it held at mass in a church. And really glad for some of them stepping forward. Hope arts will continue to grow and reach out to more ppl in campus. Another thing worth mentioning was the student RA (research asst) training I conducted. We used the conference room and I presented sitting down. For the first time, I felt I did a good job and that I was able to address the students' questions rather professionally. I think the setting played a huge role.
Friday - Exco commissioning. Man, I feel old la. My exco was like the 55th and they were commissioning the 58th. Anyway, felt quite solemn; thought it was supposed to be a celebration thingy. Anyway, felt good to have kes, ian, chunky, HD, draggie sitting together for mass. Went to Holland V for dinner after that and had dessert at Gelare. Was good catching up and stuff. We should do this more often, and with Ina & Julia too!
Saturday - I couldn't wake up till noon! And I had to be at Nanyang Poly by 1pm! So I rushed and as usual I lost my patience with me dad who does things slowly. On a side-point, I think he's getting really old and I want to love him and be more patient. But for me, patience is more a struggle than something that comes naturally. Anyway, I haven't told anyone about this, except Alan. Today I went to receive an Academic Excellence Award given by SINDA for top Indian students. To be honest, I felt undeserving of the award, not because of my academic results but because I couldn't really speak any Indian language. Maybe in that sense I didn't feel Indian enough to receive such an honour from SINDA. Anyway, I went with an open mind and met some really nice ppl there. Once I was separated from me dad, I was ushered to my seat and immediately greeted and shook hands with the only guy seated there. *In a sense I think I've grown in this aspect. My work has made me more social and ept at networking* I felt comfortable talking to this guy, and when another came along, I also greeted him and brought him into the conversation so he wouldn't be left out. All in all, it was good. There was another person who impressed me - "mini-stir" for M@npower, dr NG E.H. He came across as a very nice guy who's not presumptuous or pretentious. I kinda liked him in fact. When I collected my prize on stage, he actually asked me what I was doing now and it was definitely longer than the normal "congratulations" that guests-of-honour say. In fact, he did this for many of the award recipients. After the ceremony, he stayed around to mingle and talk to some of us as well. I guess I didn't create a fantastic impression cos he asked me the same question 3 times - "So what are you doing now?" *Man, I gotta work on my first impressions* Anyway, he mingled for much longer than I know most "mini-stirs" do and my dad and I left before he did.
Had dinner with mum & sis later in the evening and sent chicken wings and a painting to someone, so felt good to bring some cheer to others.
Anyway, on a side-note, work is getting better cos I'm being more open. I guess we all have to "start at the bottom of the food chain" (quoted from dr NG E.H. today). He's right. One day I'll be somebody. Today I'll learn to be fine with being a nobody. But nobody had a good week. And sometimes, that's good enough.
Monday - Went for Abeng commissioning after work.
Tuesday - Meeting in church; I guess I'm no longer a catechist but a youth council member?
Wednesday - Attended Abeng CG and must say that I've enjoyed it. Learnt quite a bit from the perspective of others, esp those of other nationalities. I think one of the girls also shared something which I will have to face one day too. Then rushed down to meet Shaun Mat, AGT & Gloria for dinner at the new Raffles City basement. Felt a bit awed, with a pilot & doctor (both have their own cars) and a NYGH sch teacher. All pocketing pay packets beyond mine too. Was nice catching up and felt kinda guilty cos the guys made me realise that I've missed every single outing they've had in the past 2/3 yrs? I promised to "do lunch" or something with them soon. I will keep this promise.
Thursday - Arts commissioning @ Holy Cross. Quite nice to see it held at mass in a church. And really glad for some of them stepping forward. Hope arts will continue to grow and reach out to more ppl in campus. Another thing worth mentioning was the student RA (research asst) training I conducted. We used the conference room and I presented sitting down. For the first time, I felt I did a good job and that I was able to address the students' questions rather professionally. I think the setting played a huge role.
Friday - Exco commissioning. Man, I feel old la. My exco was like the 55th and they were commissioning the 58th. Anyway, felt quite solemn; thought it was supposed to be a celebration thingy. Anyway, felt good to have kes, ian, chunky, HD, draggie sitting together for mass. Went to Holland V for dinner after that and had dessert at Gelare. Was good catching up and stuff. We should do this more often, and with Ina & Julia too!
Saturday - I couldn't wake up till noon! And I had to be at Nanyang Poly by 1pm! So I rushed and as usual I lost my patience with me dad who does things slowly. On a side-point, I think he's getting really old and I want to love him and be more patient. But for me, patience is more a struggle than something that comes naturally. Anyway, I haven't told anyone about this, except Alan. Today I went to receive an Academic Excellence Award given by SINDA for top Indian students. To be honest, I felt undeserving of the award, not because of my academic results but because I couldn't really speak any Indian language. Maybe in that sense I didn't feel Indian enough to receive such an honour from SINDA. Anyway, I went with an open mind and met some really nice ppl there. Once I was separated from me dad, I was ushered to my seat and immediately greeted and shook hands with the only guy seated there. *In a sense I think I've grown in this aspect. My work has made me more social and ept at networking* I felt comfortable talking to this guy, and when another came along, I also greeted him and brought him into the conversation so he wouldn't be left out. All in all, it was good. There was another person who impressed me - "mini-stir" for M@npower, dr NG E.H. He came across as a very nice guy who's not presumptuous or pretentious. I kinda liked him in fact. When I collected my prize on stage, he actually asked me what I was doing now and it was definitely longer than the normal "congratulations" that guests-of-honour say. In fact, he did this for many of the award recipients. After the ceremony, he stayed around to mingle and talk to some of us as well. I guess I didn't create a fantastic impression cos he asked me the same question 3 times - "So what are you doing now?" *Man, I gotta work on my first impressions* Anyway, he mingled for much longer than I know most "mini-stirs" do and my dad and I left before he did.
Had dinner with mum & sis later in the evening and sent chicken wings and a painting to someone, so felt good to bring some cheer to others.
Anyway, on a side-note, work is getting better cos I'm being more open. I guess we all have to "start at the bottom of the food chain" (quoted from dr NG E.H. today). He's right. One day I'll be somebody. Today I'll learn to be fine with being a nobody. But nobody had a good week. And sometimes, that's good enough.
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