Patch Adams

I wish I had the eloquence of some of the people I know but that is one gift I do not have. All I can say is that this is a great movie...full of compassion...so watch it if you have not.

Full day...

The morning was spent on the phone and I really enjoyed our conversation. I really hardly use the telephone but it feels good to be able to talk to someone for such a long time. :) As i would have it...since I slept at 3+am...waking up was a nightmare and I only managed to reach matri fair at abt 10+am which wasn't that bad. Realised that today was much harder cos most of the Soc ppl were china or indian nationals. The overall response for sci/soc was quite good though. I also found out how funny Aloy can be...heh. Had lunch with the sci ppl at Macs but I didn't feel like eating the food there so survived on my bread n a teh. I have decided that I will not eat unless I feel hungry and I'm trying to control my diet a bit...esp since it is my mum who keeps saying I m fat and that she prefers my size when I was in the army. Anyway I usu don't let others make me feel this way but I do want to lose weight too. And of cos I must think of my IPPT which I would never clear weighing what I do now.
Anyway...tt aside I went home then waited for the car b4 heading down to Aranda to join the arts ppl for the chalet...wasn't gonna stay overnight...kicked the ball ard with Greg and later with Benjy...was really hoping to have a game which I eventually had. It was a gd game...full of incidents...(haha...sorry karen)...but in the end karen, wayne n benjy triumped over myself, nat n alp. At least i got on the scoresheet with a lovely move where alp passed to nat who crossed for me to tap in. heh. :) Went home after sending Bern n Julian home, n grabbing a teh-si bing along the way.
I guess the MAIN thing that came out of the short time I was at the chalet is that I finally agreed to step forward to serve as a CGLC this coming year. I had been thinking about it for quite some time and initially I was pretty certain I didn't want to do it. However, I also told wayne tt I would keep that option open. I started thinking about it recently again and I was more confident that I would serve but today the uncertainty mounted after I accepted it. I like Keenan a lot and I know his good intentions but I feel that my joining him would actually be a liaibility to the CGLs. I don't know. It must be my low SE n lack of confidence in my own ability which most ppl seem to have but I lack. I don't know how things will turn out (it usu turns out fine) but I think I shd just be a good intrument and serve. Afterall, He has given me so much...cup runneth over...I should at least be grateful. :) And I know that there will be frens with me in this. May this coming academic year be as fruitful as the last.

The Past Week...

I have not been blogging for quite a few days already though I've been online most of the time...I guess I've been spending the bulk of the time in central lib alone working on my essay which I submitted yest...it's an average piece of work and nothing to be pleased or satisfied about. I doubt the work or time I put in would justify me getting a good grade since at the end of the day its not just about hard work but also the quality of the work, which I paper sadly lacks. Enough of tt though...time seemed to just fly by. I don't really rem doing much except that I had been in sch everyday (including sunday) since last wed. Been able to meet up with ppl n all so it was not all bad.
Yest's Matri Fair was gd. To me it was an acievement becos I could see how much I've grown in this area since last yr when Shane kindly asked me to help out at the booth. I am really grateful for tt chance and the chance I had this yr to do it again. I really hope that our presense there has helped to pull in some of our brothers and sisters in Christ so that they too may experience what I have in CSS. And to those that rejected us or who we were not able to reach, may You guide them in whatever they do so that no matter what they are doing in church or NUS, may they be examples of Your Love.
Today was simple. Lunch with Alan, Darryl n MarkG in engine. Then went to meet bao to find out the lecturers n all. Shd not have bothered to go for the welcome tea at all but I guess it was just good meeting up with frens. :) oh n of cos for those who read my blog last yr...'social psych' gal was there...(wayne u shd know who this is too...ooooOOhhHH!) she smsed me cos she didnt know anyone else who was going. Anyway, all in all I had a simple day but it was good. I just need a little more rest.
ciao~

Shacked out...

I feel totally dead...totally tired...
my essay is still less than half complete and I have got to settle it by friday...
the parts tt i've done seem like crap...sign~ how to do well like tt?
anyway the gd parts of the day...
1. lunch with HD
2. meeting ahbao after such a long time
3. having dinner with ray after an even longer time at Colbar
Colbar is this nice quiet place where mostly angmos hang out...(gals dont bother..they r the old drink/smoke kind)...will blog more abt it when I have more energy...
oh ya i forgot...a nice poem sms abt me! :D
zzzzZZZZ

....

If I were to die now...what would I regret? I dont know. Not being at my grandma's deathbed? Letting a girl I liked a lot go w/o trying cos I felt that it wouldn't work out? Over-turning a jeep that almost killed me and another?? I doubt I would. They don't matter to me anymore. I think.
If I die now. What's gonna change? People will mourn of cos. Some longer some shorter. Time heals all wounds. I guess my family would be most affected. Esp my mum, she wouldn't take it very well. As for my siblings, they're still young, the memories will fade. How about my friends? Of cos they will feel sad but in less than a month, I would be forgotten. What remains of me but a name engraved on an urn or niche....

Salohcin Leahpar Otten 21.12.81-19.07.04,
passed away aged 22, leaving behind....
"the only bible verse he knew by heart Matt11:28..."
Died before he could make any significant contribution to this world...
Insignificant Little Pea...
Drop of mediocrity in the vastness of emptiness...

Who would I see at my funeral...how would they react? Who would comfort them who would care? This scenario plays often in my mind but never has it been so clear. The longer I live the less people I see...and even these few the faster they heal cos the wounds my death brings gets smaller by the day...

I rem this bk I read after my A levels...Metamorphosis...I rem this guy who became a bug and who slowly but surely was in the house but no one bothered...heh...isolation...aloofness...degeneration. Go read the book, I bet some of you would feel the same.

Disclaimer: Pls for pete's (and whoever else who has common sense)...this is a mere reflection of the author's conjugated thoughts. There is no suicidal tendency or idealation. Suicidal Risk is NIL.

The Truman Show

There’s so much to say after watching this movie. I don’t know where I was when such great movies were in the cinema. I guess I was still into those mindless action flicks then. I really love this movie. Another sad movie, or rather, though-provoking movie to add to the recent repertoire that I’m building. I feel like crying yet again but should I? After all, to me this movie shows how love can help you discover yourself. Sometimes we just accept the reality that lies before us but it’s only when love comes that we truly begin to discover who we really are. Catch the movie if you haven’t and if you have, watch it again, and pay attention. Ciao~

Long Fulfilling Day...

I guess today though tiring was fulfilling! It started off rather late (which means I finally woke up late!!) and I tried to prepare some stuff and mark my tuition kid's stuff but couldn't! Oh no I shd be doing that instead of blogging! Anyway, I was supposed to meet HD n Lex to surprise lex on her 19th bday! I guess I was pretty excited about it becos it was my first time planning a surprise! Haha...the only other closest one was Nat's bday but she knew it already. This time, lex had no clue what so ever!! Was so glag everything went smoothly and my acting (for once) was good. We went to Marche Heeren and then I said I had to go to the toilet but the guys hid so well I didn't even see them! then lex n HD came over n all they saw was the cake b4 everyone came out singing Happy Bday!! haha boy was she surprised!! Success!! I guess it was all worth it in the end! Hope she had a good time :)
It was fun hanging out in Marche with everyone. Ian as usu was being nonsensically fun...got to know Greg who is fun too...n the rest...took quite a few pics which I will upload to webshots soon. Then we went to Lido Roof-garden to cut cake n eat!! then as usu kena bullied into eating the last piece of cake. Oh I rem I ate Ceasar Salad at Marche (its not bad...Olio one is better if u feel rich) and I think I will try to eat more greens from now on...BUT the 3 unmentionables r still excluded...ie Brinjal, Lady's Finger and Bittergourd! Yucks!
Anyway after roof-top went to Shaw House Macs to chit-chat n all b4 I met up with Yas to go for the Starlight Cine under the stars or whatever they call it...we went Taka to buy food first n got lots of stuff from the Crystal Jade bakery thingy...then we went to the Food Fair n got some wonderful hotdogs...they were great!! then we walked down to Fort Canning and had a gd chat along the way...we reached super early and set the mat out when it was abt 645?? the movie was scheduled to start at 8pm! anyway had a gd chat n suaned each other...Van Helsing had a lot of visual effects n all but I've long stopped liking action movies...its was fine but was laugable after some time...and the ending was like...when I heard the music I was telling yas...it sounds like they r gonna ride into the sunset...haha n no prizes for guessing what happened.
Noticed something interesting though...the Power98 advert said...No Class...Not perfect...JUST POWER!! haha felt it was quite funny. k seeya all soon...tired but hope those I were with today were happy. God bless us all...He is good and gives us more than we deserve!

Hold On - The Jet (Spiderman2 Soundtrack)

You tried so hard to be someone
That forgot who you are
You tried to fill some emptiness
Till all you had spilled over
Now everything’s so far away
That you don’t know where are
You are

(Chorus)When all that you wanted
When all that you had don’t seem so much
For you to hold onto
For you to hold onto
For you to belong to
When it’s hard to be yourself
It’s not to be someone else
Still everything’s so far away
That you forget where you are
You are

(Chorus)When all that you wanted
When all that you had don’t seem so much
For you to hold onto
For you to hold onto
Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on
Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on

(Chorus)When all that you wanted 
When all that you had don’t seem so much
For you to hold onto
For you to hold onto
For you to hold onto
For you to belong to

Life is Beautiful…?

I just watched the movie and though I’ve heard of it before I never knew what it was about…I just kinda assumed that it was one of those feel good movies, hence the title.
Well, in a way it was feel good because the leading character is this super optimistic cheerful fellow who even when captured by the Nazis during the war, could help his son make believe that they were in s big game and used this ‘game’ to help his son survive being caught and gassed to death in the chambers. I think that is a good movie lah and I’m not just saying that cos I cried :) but really think those of you who haven’t caught it should. Damn it! Why didn’t anyone warn me beforehand? I didn’t want to cry! Arg!

Anyway, I found out something amusing this morning. Was chatting online with one of my social work friends and she was telling me that she dreamt of me and her colleagues at her placement agency together with herself…(listen to this carefully)…sewing pouches!! Haha…I don’t know why but I just found it super interesting! And she was telling me she didn’t how I ended up together with her colleagues cos we didn’t work at the same agency! Oh well…that’s all for now.

I leave you with the last line of the movie..."That was my dad's gift for me..."

Ciao~

Reflections...

I'm sitting in the arts corner at 'The Deck' by myself...enjoying the scenary (the construction is finally over!)...and I think back to the days when I was a freshie and sitting here with a gd fren. I miss that. I miss him.
I don't know whether some of you have noticed but I've become more quiet and reserved these few months. I don't think its specific to certain groups of people but to everyone. I don't like to hang out in big groups, preferring to meet up with small grps of people. I feel that you don't really get to know others in big groups and also I don't know, I just don't really like big groups. I'm still fine with it though and like recently when I didn't want to be a spoilt-spot when asked I just joined in and immersed myself with the games and all. In a way, I've become a big-grp recluse. Though I still very much welcome going out with smaller groups of people. Recently, I've bumped into ppl that I recognise on the streets and the instintive thing I do is to hide and hope they don't see me. To be fair, I'm not really close to these people, and I tell myself if it were a gd fren I would acknowledge them, but I really don't know. Sometimes I don't know what to say to others. My collegues at IMH have realised that I tend to keep to myself during lunch and not really talk much. Social deterioration? I don't know.
I'm hoping to go for this silent retreat that Joel has told me about. I think I need some time out to think and reflect about my life and where I'm heading and also how my life has been. Existenial Factors. I guess my attachment at IMH has helped me to be more certain about what area I might go into. All these while, I know I wanted to do social work but was clueless as to which area IN social work I wanted to do. I now seem more inclined towards mental health but you never know where the whirlwinds of fate bring you.
I need time to reflect whether I've really grown after coming into NUS. I believe I have but as a person and as a Christian I seem to have deteriorated in some aspects to. I don't know. I'm just glad that my friends are nice and accepting and they take me as I am, imperfections and all. I guess all of us are not perfect but some more than others. I'm lucky to have so many friends who place God in the center of their lives so that I rem Him everyday. :)
Yest I had a gd time at Andrea's place. We had a gathering (the last!) for all the CGLs that have graduated from this batch. It was good company and I must really thank all the CGLCs for all the effort they had put in, not just for this session but for the past year. Really felt quite guilty that I had taken so many of their gatherings for granted (esp when it was in sch). I had many struggles during my term as a CGL and there were periods when it got really bad but somehow with His strength our cg managed to pull thru. I can't really rem the details. You know how after some time you forget the reasons but rem the emotion and how it felt? It's something like that. That's why some of us rem wrongly how things went or can't rem why we felt tt way.
*end of reflection*
Anyway...some things tt i want to mention off my head...
My tuition kid said that he hopes he can pass his oral which I feel is quite gd. So I assume that he didn't have some nervous break-down and couldn't speak. Thanks for the prayers.
A little stoned now...will blog some other time. Love ya all ppl...God bless...

Last Day at IMH

The day started off fine. Didn't really feel anything. Think that it was only during ward rounds and then when I went to the day area to say my goodbyes to the patients that it struck me - that I was not going to come into such close contact with these needy people anymore.
As usual when I went into the day area, it was MS who greeted me first. I wish I had left with him being in a better state but his condition had deteriorated and I will leave him in a worse state than he could be in. It kinda aches to see him like that. I told him I hope to see him outside sometime in his marine parade area. Then I went to see P who I had referred for rehab. His interview is tomorrow and I wished him the best. Talked to WC who will be going to court on the 22nd. I hope all goes well for him. I said my farewells to a few others and made friends with some others along the way. Then as I looked ard, I realised someone was missing. I found out that he had gone for ECT so I waited a while longer. He finally came and though he was a little groggy I said my farewell. I would say this J is one patient that I've seen from the time I came to IMH till now and I really hope that he will be able to be discharged soon.
Said bye to all the other staff in the ward but the one I will miss the most is Yazid. He's a great man. From the first day, he showed us the ropes with patience. His genuineness and sincerity can be seen in how he deals with not only the patients but his fellow staff. He has taught me a lot and I owe a lot to him. He even asked if I would come back to work here :) If fate brings me back I would gladly come back to IMH, esp Ward 52A.

Thank You

A big thank you to those i talked to on the phone yest, the one who emailed me and the ones who sms me :)
you've really made a difference to me. it has been ages since i last talked on the phone and i was lucky enough to have two phone calls on the same night. then in the morn i received a wonderful email from a fren who i still keep in touch with but have not been able to meet for sometime :)
I thank God for all these gifts that he has given me for all the many other gifts tt i have yet to open. :)

P.S. this post has been modified somewhat...the first one didnt come out.

Sad

I don't know why but there's this overwhelming sadness that is enveloping me. I can't shake it off. There's this deep ache in my heart. I can't rationalise it. Possible reasons...
1. The gloomy weather
2. 2nd tuition with student most prob gonna fail his oral tomolo (pls pray for him ya?)
3. Realising I had NO one to share good news with. It was not enough telling my parents. I told a grand total of two people but I still feel that it's different. Have I been so isolated that I really don't have anyone to share stuff with?
4. My attachment is ending (I seriously doubt it, the essay will keep me occupied)
5. Realising that I won't have a break after my attachment with SP comm, 10-page essay, evaluation on fri, Matri Fair, etc.
6. No reason

Somehow I choose the 6th. I don't think there is a reason or maybe its lying hidden in my unconscious, only to be awakened by free association and what not bull-shit psychoanalysis. Sorry, I'm not from that sch of thot.

Although I won't have time, I hope to be able to meet up with some friends before sch starts again. Will have to prioritise. CIao~ May this sadness dissipitate.

1st Tuition

before I start this post I would like to ask...how can a 17 yr-old guy like a 22 yr-old girl??? I don't know man...love will overcome all barriers but...I don't know.
Anyway I gave my first tuition today to this china guy who is doing his N levels this yr. His english is not good and I found out that his oral exam is this monday!! I tested his oral and realised that it was not too gd (to be polite) and he was so nervous that he was stumbling over all his words. Was trying to calm him down and all but to no avail. You know I hate those idiotic china dudes in NUS who talk so bloody loud, who step on ppl's shoes and stare at them like the victims r the ones at fault so when I saw this nice timid guy, I didnt know what to think. I really want to help him but I really doubt that he would be able to pass his english oral, let alone his english N levels. He's a nice guy, quite hardworking but I don't think I can work a miracle but I don't want to give up on him either. SIgn~ what should I do???

Termination Anxiety...

You know how I can be confident one time and the very next moment be in a state of panic...
I was in this state of nirvana abt my attachment, the ending and my grade for sometime but then today all my fears, anxieties and iniquities came rushing back. I keep thinking to myself: Is the effort all worth it? I know I keep telling myself that its not just the grades, it's what I've learnt and all (and I agree!) but then wouldn't it be a bit stupid if they r not congruent? Esp when you have learnt a lot after putting in so much effort...plus ppl elsewhere don't really do stuff related to social work or don't clock in as much hours?
I came back from work exhausted and with a runny nose. Went to sleep. Woke up again at 0230. Here I am, trying to finish off work. Is it worth it? Is it worth it.

Hard Work; Liling's 21st

Spent most of today doing my home visit report and by the time i was in the discussion room at the end of the day, I was so afraid tt Vin would just criticise my hard work. I felt it was abt the best I could do n if it wasn't enough, i didnt know what to do. But apparently, it was :) was quite happy. think it showed. then Vin asked us about the attachment and I spoke what i felt...think tt will require a bit of reflecting and a whole blog by itself. But thot tt at the end of the day, it was worth the hard work.
had been dileberating whether i shd attend Liling's 21st celebrations today as it started at 9pm, I had work the next day n my gd fren ahbao wasnt going. In the end I called a fren who i wasnt tt close or endeared to and we decided to go tog to 'show face'. I shopped for the present after work. I tell u its embarrassing shopping for cosmetics alone cos the salesgirls were giggling whilst i asked one stupid qn after another. At least now i know tt for most nail polish u need a base coat, the coloured one (i got a little pink sparkling one!!) n then a top coat. More layers needed if darker shades r wanted :) then Syaz said he would pick me up at 930 from Cityhall Mrt...i waited abt 40 mins for him n it took us almost as long to locate the place which is near maxwell food centre. its one of those shophouses thingy and we were expecting it to be a pub. What we saw surprised us. The place was dark except for some tealights and when we entered the room, a blend of white balloons, tealights and giant air-filled 'bubbles' greeted us. Each 'bubble' had a different colour and we could hang out there!! it was refreshing and unique n i liked it a lot! so we hung out in the bubble with nice soothing jazz playing in the background. We cut the cake pretty early and it tasted fantabulous! There weren't many ppl ard and a lot left early. This 21st was diff cos this is the first time i got to spend quite a bit of time talking to the bday gal! I dont know why but she hung out in the bubble with me n syaz and
*sorry digression: syaz jus called me; he got lost at lor halus...i'll explore there one day :D*
we talked quite a bit...think its cos of this and all tt i dont regret my decision to come for her bday celebrations. I hope she had a gd time cos syaz n myself did. Simple program, cozy ambience and nice company.
k tt's all for now i guess...tomolo is another day.

In the Shadows - The Rasmus

**Thou words can't describe how i've been feeling, I think this song comes closest**

No sleep
No sleep until I'm done with finding the answer
Won't stop
Won't stop before I find the cure for this cancer

Sometimes I feel like going down, I'm so disconnected
Somehow I know that I am haunted to be wanted

I've been watching, I've been waiting
In the shadows for my time
I've been searching, I've been living
For tomorrows all my life

They say that I must learn to kill before I can feel safe
But I, I'd rather kill myself than turn into their slave

Sometimes I feel that I should go and play with the thunder
Somehow I just don't wanna stay and wait for a wonder

I've been watching, I've been waiting
In the shadows for my time
I've been searching, I've been living
For tomorrows all my life

Lately, I've been walking, walking in circles
Watching, waiting for something
Feel me, touch me, heal me
Come take me higher

I've been watching, I've been waiting
In the shadows for my time
I've been searching, I've been living
For tomorrows all my life

I've been watching,
I've been waiting,
I've been searching,
I've been living,
for tomorrows....

In the shadows....

In the shadows.....

I've been waiting.............

2nd Home Visit

We went for our second home visit today. A little background information. The patient is a mentally dull (this is what we call it at IMH; sure sounds better than retarded) male who is in the acute ward. The thing about this family is that all the existing members – mother, two sisters and two brothers – were also mentally dull. We had to make the visit to assess the family situation and whether the home is suitable for the patient if he were to be discharged. The home was in the Tiong Bahru area and as we drove into the car park, what greeted us was a newly renovated HDB estate that looked cheery on the outside. I commented about this and was told by the social work assistant that it usually wasn’t the case on the inside.
We found the flat and it was something I had not seen before. Though the flat was supposed to be barely five years old, it looked like it had been occupied for at least fifteen years. It was dark, there was a heavy stench (which I still smell of sitting in my cubicle in the office), and my eye still stings from something that filled the air but which I am still unable to identify. It was a three-room flat and the living room was so packed with all kinds of rubbish that there was only space for chairs to be put against the walls and for some of the family members to squat near the bedroom doors. As I looked around, I saw things that were old and beyond repair but still being hoard by the family. There was an altar near one side of the living room and it was probably the incense or the lamp oil that produced the choking smell. There was only space for six chairs - those red colour ones you normally see at void deck funerals. Pasted on the walls were newspaper clippings, apparently those of the patient who had gone out of the house wandering and not able to find his way home, resulting in the family having to advertise in the newspapers asking for help to find him (don't ask me how they did this w/o money). It was usually the police who found the patient, usually resulting in him having to stay at IMH for periods of time.
Present at home were the mother, two sisters and a elderly man who was a friend. The social work assistant did most of the talking as it was mainly in Hokkien. The mother and two sisters didn’t talk much and it was quite obvious that they were dull as their thinking was rather simplistic and all they wanted was for the patient to be discharged home, using rather simplistic arguments to argue their point. The two bedrooms were equally packed with a lot of rubbish and there was barely enough room to sleep. We were told that all three brothers would be sleeping in the room should the patient be discharged. The other bedroom was in a similar situation and both rooms had very bad ventilation. The kitchen was even more interesting. There were no cabinets but instead old biscuit tins were stacked up on their sides to be used as containers for storage. I found this to be quite amusing and creative. The kitchen was also equally filled with rubbish and there wasn’t much space to move around. The floor was also very oily and I could feel this despite wearing socks.
I don’t know what more to say to describe the place. I think that it has indeed been an experience. I don’t think that the place is suitable for the patient to be discharged. The patient’s family would probably not be able to look after this properly and the living conditions are much to be desired. The social work assistant told the family friend to get rid of the rubbish so that more space could be used for sleeping and as living space and that he would return again to assess the situation.
I’ve never come across a home like this before. It really amazes me to see how a whole family of mentally dull people are able to live on their own. In a way, it shows how strong this family is especially in trying to keep all members together.
I was also really touched by the elderly man who has been helping the family with many of their issues. I feel that he has really gone out of the way to help this family and to be able to provide this much help to a family that is not his own is really commendable. I draw inspiration from people such as these who are so selfless and sincere in their ways and though I feel sad that there are families living in such conditions, who face so many struggles while we lucky people are whining about little things that we are facing, I also realise that it is through such unfortunate people that we see God’s love in the face of other human beings and how His Love is manifested in these people.
Have you shown God's Love to someone today?

Starting again...

I don't know if I am ready
Ready to share my life again
Didn't anyone notice
I had disappeared for awhile
Had I really been here
Or was it all but a dream
Because thou i see, hear, speak
I can't feel like before.