Falling...

I saw this phrase on a cute little pillow whilst shopping today. Brought a little smile to my face.

You can fall from the sky
You can fall from a tree
But the best way to fall
Is in love with me!

c",)

Ian Wright!!! The best Lonely Planet host ever!!!

Globe Trekker - Search for a Host

I dont know how many of you guys heard of this...but I've been a fan of this show (still prefer the name Lonely Planet though...) and recently they are finding for a host...for just ONE show!!! They did auditions last time but I think I was in army then so I didnt bother...they are having auditions this sat!!! I feel like going man but I dont think I will get in...UNLESS...I drink a Graveyard b4 the audition!! haha...oh those who get in will have the chance to embarrass themselves at Suntec the very next day...heh...sigh...this is a distraction...even if I dont go just thinking about it keep me off work! arg!

TV...SIanzness...

Been watching quite a bit of TV recently...those who know me shd find this weird...
1. Early Edition: Don't know whether you guys have seen this before but I see it on Cable Channell17...about this guy who gets this newspaper with news tt has not happened yet so this guy goes ard trying to prevent the bad things from happening...quite a good show...most recent one has him trying to prove this man on death-row innocent...cos apparently his predecessor had to make a choice between preventing a train wreck or being at the scene to prove this man innocent and becos he chose the former...the latter was affected. No prizes for guessing what happens lah. The good guy always wins.

2. Touched by an Angel: Used to watch this pretty often in the past. Recently again...2pm on Channel5 I think. Today's one was about this family of three...then the dad had an affair n his son found out...n had to keep this secret for sometime. Then as with this show...all ends well lah. Think a more memorable one I watched recently was when Monica (one of the angels) had to part of a jury...to decide the fate of a young man...in the end there was this woman who had 'issues' and was on a personal vendetta to get this man hung. But of cos Monica 'touched' her...of cos lah! I mean the show is called touched by an angel what!?! duh!

3. MTVs!!! I used to LOVE watching MTVs...can keep me glued for hours and then I will go find them n download them...watched this particular one which I felt was interesting... it's called "Why does my heart feel so bad" by Moby. It's this cartoon thingy where the guy just gets hurt lah....even the dog eloped with a cat kinda thing. heh. Cool.

Had lunch with my mum at Cafe Cartel today. Was good lah walking around. I love me mum.

Then when I came back, watched Touched by an Angel n La Liga Highlights then it struck me that I have not been studying this semester. Sigh. Then started on my GEK proj n realised that MAYBE I should have made it S/U. SIgh

Feeling so sianz now...so sianz...

All the books I need for my research are only due on the 10th of Oct. Sigh.

Feeling so dead...so dead...

Sorry if you hoping to see optimism on this blog...you'll be disappointed...

For sometime.

James 1:2-8

A friend once asked me to reflect on this passage. I came across it again today when preparing for Cat Class...I still don't buy it.
It's the theory. Like how you can tell me to move forward, but not why I want to move forward but am stuck in reverse.

Eloisa to Abelard

In these deep solitudes and awful cells,
Where heav'nly-pensive contemplation dwells,
And ever-musing melancholy reigns;
What means this tumult in a vestal's veins?
Why rove my thoughts beyond this last retreat?
Why feels my heart its long-forgotten heat?
Yet, yet I love! — From Abelard it came,
And Eloisa yet must kiss the name.


Dear fatal name! rest ever unreveal'd,
Nor pass these lips in holy silence seal'd.
Hide it, my heart, within that close disguise,
Where mix'd with God's, his lov'd idea lies:
O write it not, my hand — the name appears
Already written — wash it out, my tears!
In vain lost Eloisa weeps and prays,
Her heart still dictates, and her hand obeys.

For the rest of the poem check out...
http://www.monadnock.net/poems/eloisa.html

Slide - by Goo Goo Dolls

Could you whisper in my ear

The things you wanna feel

I'd give ya anythin'

To feel it comin'

Do you wake up on your own?

And wonder where you are

You live with all your faults

I wanna wake up where you are

I won't say anything at all

So why don't you slide

Yeah I'm gonna let it slide

Don't you love the life you killed

The priest is on the phone

Your father hit the wall

Your ma disowned you

Don't supposed I'll ever know

What it means to be a man

Somethin' I can't change

I'll live around it

I wanna wake up where you are

I won't say anything at all

So why don't you slide

Mmm mmm slide

And I'll do anythin' you ever dreamed to be complete

Little pieces of the nothin' that fall

Oh May

Put your arms around me

What you feel is what you are

And what you are is beautiful

Oh May

Do you wanna get married, or run away?

And I'll do anythin' you ever dreamed to be complete

Little pieces of the nothin' that fall

Oh May

Put your arms around me

What you feel is what you are

And what you are is beautiful

Oh May

Do you wanna get married, or run away?

I wanna wake up where you are

I won't say anything at all

(yeah slide)

And I'll do anythin' you ever dreamed to be complete (yeah slide)

Little pieces of the nothin' that fall(yeah slide)

And I'll do anythin' you ever dreamed to be complete

(yeah slide)

Little pieces of the nothin' that fall

(Oh Oh Oh slide)

Yeah, slide between the sheet of all the beds you never knew

(Yeah slide)

Why don't you slide into my room

Just slide into my room

Oh, we'll run away, run away, run away...

MaMbO fEvEr: A tEh~ while still sEh~ (notice the eyes...)

Mambo

I'm home...dont feel like bathing...damn shack...spent...eyes closing...brain dead but still blogging...
had lots of fun jus now...man I've not been to Mambo for like ages...the last time I went I had hair! had a few drinks....Long Island Tea then the deadly GRAVEYARD which I played 5-10 with kes n lost quite a few times...then Flaming Lumbiguini (spelling...heck)....then went to the dance floor to let loose...it was real fun and I had real gd company...thanks to everyONE who was there...love u guys lots...
it was a great night...
wanted to sleep but couldnt...u know I just feel so sad that someone I care so much for doesnt like me back in return...I can just cry till I sleep but...like someone mentioned in her blog...sometimes its kinda a risk u have to take n the more u invest the higher the chance u get hurt...
I still love this girl but...sigh...I can't get over this...sigh...

A mirror drops onto the floor,
breaks into a million pieces,
each one a piece of my heart.

Saying NO; Alcohol

The above heading is separate.

I have been encountering situations where I know or feel that I should say NO...n also situations where I feel others should say NO. We can't always please others by agreeing with them, esp when they are wrong. It is not just a sin to do bad things but also when we fail to do good things and this includes saying no at times. I guess for me, it's so ingrained to maintain harmony and 'avoid the topic' but how can we just stand by whilst people carry on doing what we know is wrong? It's not easy and I hope I would be able to do it. By seeing and letting it go on, we are all accomplices to that act, whatever it may be. Sigh. It's never easy being a Christian.

I've been drinking more alcohol than normal recently. Started thinking back to my IMH stint where I had the chance to run group sessions with those in the Community Addiction Management Program (CAMP). I rem getting quite scared cos after the sharings I realised that most of the alcoholics started off as social drinkers. I was afraid that I would become like them too esp after all those sessions at Chris' place when I was in yr1. heh but then again I got this adversion to 'pure' alcohol aka shots. heh. What's more, most of them were Indian! Of cos got Chinese too lah! But majority were Indians. Whatever it is I would say these are the warning signs to look out for:
1. Turning to alcohol whenever you feel stressed or as a form of relief.
2. The consumption of increasing amounts of alcohol to get the same desired effect (tolerance).
3. The urge to consume alcohol at certain times of the day (eg. b4 sleeping, during meals).
I can't think of any others for now...these are not really scientifically proven but from what I have observed during my group sessions. So be careful.

Tomorrow alcohol and fags beckon.
Will I succumb?

Ed (with knife): Hold still whilst my Boss kisses your head!!!

Sometimes...

you think you have forgotten something but when you read it again, you relive it again and you feel it again.

Injuries, Flu, Lame-ness.

Played soccer in the morning...was damn lousy at 1st...blasted like 3 shots (almost in a row) over the bar when 1on1 with Kayno...sheesh...thot i was never gonna score...then Chris n the rest asked me to play up for our 2nd last match...wayne set me up for the first goal then I managed to finally put it away :) thanks wayne...scooped one shot over Gerard...after missing the first shot...n then the 3rd was like cos I was slow to go back n then someone won the ball n fed it to me to score. As wayne does...here is my injury list:
1. sore hip (or rather the joint bet the thigh n hip)...still limping n uncomfortable...sustained when trying to stop kayne's goal.
2. sore hand: sustained when failed to stop dennis' wonderful goal
3. bruised toes: aiya always get one lah.
then my stupid fat calfs keep cramping...was stretching when walking to bus-stop with kes then when i saw my bus n ran, the other calf cramped up. sigh. I'm the epitome of un-fitness.
Met Alan n Ser for planning n they ended up coming my place...haha planning went well except I was damn nuah~ heh
then had a short nap b4 heading down to pick Nan, then Jo n Renita from hall to go Joel's place for the CGL gathering...my FLU was quite bad n it made me so irritated tt i was driving like an aRs...switching lanes n all...sigh...patience!! then i was SUPER lame with all my lame jokes which i couldnt contain. Think a possible research topic would be how parts of the brain which helps in self-control are affected when u have FLU.
heh.
had a gd supper with Nan at Jackson's too.
k gtg sleep now...Cat Class beckons at 730am tomolo...
zzZZ

Walk

I really like long walks at night...only prob is I sweat a lot but it isnt tt bad at night...walked from Bedok Interchange to Tampines (near the TPE) where I took a cab...
It's nice to just think about stuff...(try not to think of sad stuff lah)...just to soak in the surroundings...then its like u start to see things tt u normally wouldnt...heh...like two weird shaped snails tt I almost stepped on! then seeing the forested area near Bedok Reservoir reminded of my days staying in bunkers during outfield...heh...now look back can laugh but those days were real shitty. then just enjoying the night time. more walks in time? haha at least now I know got one possible walking kaki...but too bad u dont stay in Sengkang!
Tomolo is gonna be packed:
Morning - Soccer
Afternoon - Catechism Planning
Evening - CGL gathering
On the way back in the cab, the radio played 3 of my fav songs in a row!! I think its a sign esp since Val says we shd all go K-box...Fixing A Broken Heart, You were there & Can't Cry Hard Enough...oh man...I must sing sing sing! though i cant sing sing sing.
oh guys u know...I really feel like gg for this something but the reason why i dont want to go is cos of someone...I dont think i shd not go just becos of this someone right? sign oh well...nothing's better than a gd nitez rest...ciao~

STB Scholarship

The Dean's Office emailed some people to invite us to apply for the Singapore Tourism Board Scholarship. After reading it I got attracted to it cos they said they would send those accepted for overseas attachments and all that. Bond period is the no. of yrs of education that they pay for which means if I get it it would have been a max of 2 yrs only.
Sigh. I think this is a distraction to what I want to do in future. But is social work really what I should go into? As in I really want to do it...after the attachment I believe I can but some practical limitations keep me worrying.
Alan asked me to apply n see how but I decided not to apply at all though I filled up the form already. I think Laziness was the main reason why. Sigh. I hope it's the right decision. Anyway I prob wouldnt have gotten it anyway.
*cognitive dissonance: Leon Festinger*

City Of Angels

I watched this movie when I was in NJ with a few of my classmates...I rem crying pretty badly.
I watched it again this afternoon on my laptop with my sis...she's not very emotional. But thanks to the stoic company I didnt shed a tear though some welled up in my eyes.
I think it's tragic to say the least that Nick Cage gave up being an angel to be with Meg just to have her taken away the very next day. How is he gonna live the rest of his life knowing that the very person he loves and gave everything up for is no longer there with him?
There was this line that struck me..."I rather have just one breath of her hair...one kiss of her mouth...one touch of her hand...then eternity without it"
At least I know I tried...in future when I look back I know I would have no regrets.

De-commissioned

Ppl tell me u dont get de-commissioned! but ships do! those in the navy will know.
Anyway yest the 56th exco got commissioned and it was great. You know how u think tt certain things will happen n they dont? well I really thot i would cry yest but i didnt. Just felt peace.
went Tango's with exco7 -kester last night.
I had:
1 bottle Stella Artois
1 Graveyard
1 bottle Corona
1 half-pint Kilkenny
1 Tequilla Pop
1 can Kilkenny
Of cos I also 'stole' a bit of Ian's graveyard, Ina's Spore Sling etc. The secret is not in how much you drink but the speed at which u drink (esp so with graveyard...girls pls dont try it).
I just wanted to drink to forget. But forget I cannot.
I had great company though. And a big big thank you to Ernie, Jules n Ina...for taking care of me...hearing me out...comforting me...n sending me home!
You know I just didnt want to go home last night...when I reached my void deck I puked (again) then sat myself down on a bench at the play ground to collect myself. I woke up abt half an hour later and went up, fully sober but spent. No hangover this morning. Just gratefullness for what I have.

In the service of Love, only Broken Hearts will do...

During my medical social work lect today...we watched a video about some ppl who had gone thru very traumatic experiences...the above quote is what one of the guys said and it kinda struck me...I'm still trying to find out the essense of the quote...any thots?

Postgrad Joke...(for all those doing or thinking of doing a thesis)

Hey my lecturer told me this postgrad joke during my cross-cultural communication lect today but I thot it applied to all those doing theses. I'm not a very good story teller though so...
There was once this rabbit who lived in this hole. One fine day, he decided to come out to enjoy the warm sunny weather and as he busked in the sun, he did not notice a fox had sneaked up behind him and caught hold of him! Just as the fox was about to eat the rabbit, the rabbit stopped it and told it to give him a few more days cos he was finishing up his thesis on the "Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves". The fox could not hide its bemusement and the rabbit invited the fox to go into its hole to take a look if he didnt believe it. The fox went into the hole and never appeared again.
A few days later when the rabbit came out to busk in the warm glow of sunshine, a wolf sneaked behind him and caught him again! The rabbit, as he had done before, told the wolf to give him a few more days cos he was finishing up his thesis on the "Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves". The wolf laughed so hard that he almost lost grip of the rabbit. The rabbit once again invited the wolf to go into its hole to view the thesis if he didnt believe him. The wolf went into the hole and was never seen of again.
After this rabbit had completed his thesis, he had a hugh celebration and invited many of his rabbit frens. When they asked about his thesis topic, the rabbit beemed with pride and said that his topic was on the "Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves". All the rabbits were amazed and asked to see the thesis. All of them scurried into the rabbit's postgrad room in the hole in which he lived and the sight they saw was typical of any such room - a large table in the center, paper shrewn all over the place and academic journals lining the shelves at the side. On the right of the table was a pile of fox bones and on the left was a pile of wolf bones. In the center of the table sat a big fat well-fed lion who was the rabbit's supervisor.

Moral of the story? To write a good thesis, the title doesnt matter, the subject matter is inconsequent and your hypothesis need not be logical. All you need is a helpful and satisfied supervisor.

Hmmm...somehow I dont think I delivered this as well as my lecturer did but I sure laughed after he was done with it (for most of it I was wondering where it was gg...)

Anyway a littel about my day...slept only 3 hrs so was dead tired and after lect I studied awhile in lib b4 heading home...had lunch with Darryl at Harbourfront there then went home...realised that I m usu fine when I m with ppl but when I m alone its when the thots come flooding back and even though I was tired I only managed to fall asleep at 8pm...woke up at 930 for my Catechist meeting...which was quite fun esp when we were just chatting...then Alan n myself walked Ser n San home...on our way home, we got stopped by the police n had our particulars taken down...I dont know why but I always seem to get stopped by the police. so here I m now...

Though I still feel sad when I m by myself, I want to spend more time to myself. I always considered that to be something impt and something we all should do. The first thing that comes to my mind when I just lie down is this line which I believe will be in my mind n heart for a long time to come: "...my _________ has to be complete and final." It hurts. Another day has passed...life goes on...somehow.

Long Day...

Day started early as usu...had breakfast with Darryl in arts corner b4 heading down to lib...managed to read a bit b4 starting to do nonsense like flipping thru my NJ yr bk...hope I didnt distract Mark too much...heh
Had Medical SW lect n Chunyat showed me this fantastic article which I have decided to photocopy n keep...think I will write selected abtracts from it when I have more time...its basically abt girls and how they lead guys on...the new breed of girls...how some guys can only be 'teddy bears'...how love can make even a smart person do stupid things...heh...was very well written somemore by a sci person...heh...impressed...passed it ard the sw guys as well as some CSS ppl...anyway stayed back at 6 to meet my Gen Bio TAs...the big lady was quite funny with her jokes abt how we shdnt open our mouth in the lab cos she saw flies tt were supposed to be dead fly into ppl's open mouths...n other stuff...but was quite a waste of time lah the session...
trip home was interesting...went home this gal I got to know in my SS tut in Yr1 Sem2 tt was like almost 2 yrs ago...haha n somehow she rem my name...I had to ask her again for hers...anyway the whole trip back she talked almost non-stop and I seemed to have learnt her life story...she kept asking me stuff...hmmm...not really used to it cos used to sleeping on the NEL liaoz...but well...interesting lah...I still prefer solitude though...
Met Ser for pool...finally i got to play!! haha i think we r about the same standard lah...it was fun...though when Alan came we started to play like shit! then we went for supper cos Ser wanted ice cream and I wanted my prata...had quite a gd chat with them...I hope we can still hang out more in future...was quite afraid tt once sch started we wouldnt be able to meet up...esp when sem peaks n ser starts flying again...thanks for the company guys...appreciate it lots...
thank you to all those who were part of my life today...

Macadamia Mambo

I'm addicted to this ice-cream flavor...its great I tell you...eaten about a litre myself already...heh heh...
Feel down but will survive...

feel...

I really wish I was less of a feeling person. But there are probably some things about myself I cant change. I can learn to control my temper but how do you start to control your emotions esp since so much of it comes naturally?
to be honest I still dont feel like praying...I only pray when I have to i.e. when the ppl ard me pray. Its like a cold war with God...sigh
I have some people to thank though...in no particular order...
MarkC: For being there with me on fri when I felt tt I didnt want to go on anymore...for listening for being with me and for still being my gd fren after all these yrs...
Ahbao: For always being my 'brain' and being with me when I go thru trials...for encouraging me in my work and being such a gd fren...
MarkG: For waking me up and sharing stuff with me...I thank you my fren...it's touching...
Darryl: Dude...u have been good company esp during times when I didnt want anyone else ard...thanks for being there n sharing...
CGLC partner: thanks for inspiring me with ur Godliness and service n the gift of joy u bring...
Fr Fred: Your words of wisdom and for all the advice n support...
55th Exco7: for the singing of songs n prayer on Sunday...love u guys lots...
Kayno: For being u n my forever fren..."mini-me, you complete me"...
CG members: for being my spiritual support n knowing some of u guys r there for me...
My little angel: for the numerous smses, encouragements and just being there for me...i'm really glad to have known u...
I'm sorry if I've left out anyone...its late and my mind cant think too thoroughly...

Even as my heart bleeds,
I know it will heal,
time is all it needs,
until then I will conceal,
all the pain that I feel,
with smiles on my face,
lame jokes to boot,
so that none may see,
the Broken Nick.