Love is the answer?

Nope. Love isnt the answer. Not to everything.

jus heard the song on the radio whilst driving back and ended up breaking down pretty bad. i guess what angie asked had truth in it - are u doing all these to escape?

there was a time when i truely believed in that song - love is the answer. and idealistic as it may sound, i believed back then, that love could overcome everything.

apparently not.

*sigh*

I really don't know how I'm gonna love or trust another girl again.

I saw her on Fri, totally unexpected and she kinda ignored me though I said hi. *sigh* i was trembling and all after that. I guess the feelings are still raw.

*sigh*

my stomach hurts. damnit! gonna try to zzZ now...

hope love is the ans for you. i know it aint for me. it jus hurts too much.

nitez...

Diet

Desire Martini, stirred not shaken.
Long Island Tea
Chivas Regal 12 years, on the rocks
Martell VSOP, neat
Tiger draft, pint
Maker's Mark, on the rocks
8 sticks of Davidoff menthol
6 sticks of Malboro lights

stuck

I think I'm stuck.

I can't seem to progress any more than I currently have. maybe this is the best state that i can hope for considering all that has happened.

maybe i should just accept my current state.

Medley

And now that you've gone
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

Gonna open my eyes
And see for the first time
I let go of you like
A child letting go of his kite

There it goes, up in the sky
There it goes, beyond the clouds
For no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough
For you to hear me now

-------------------------------------

I don't wanna talk
About the things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me
Now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I'd be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

--------------------------

I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times
That I’ve cried
All that’s wasted
It’s all inside

And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It’s back again

And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can’t mend

this pain

this pain I'm feeling, it's real. it's not the physical kind but it has a physiological sensation to it. one of being heavy hearted, a tight squeezing sensation that is automatic whenever there is a trigger or stimulus which activates thoughts, memories which remind me of this person.

i regret having ever met her. having ever seen her. having ever called her out for lunch. having gotten back together with her though she had hurt me before. and i let her hurt me once more, so bad i don't know if i'll make it through this time.

i hate her. i hate what she has done. i hate everything about her. i wish her dead.

and yet, i love her. more than anything in this world. and i want the best for her.

i want to feel numb but all i feel is this pain and the warm tears flowing down my cheeks.

i want to bail out from this existence. but responsibility gets the better of me. i can't. i have to support my family. support my sis through her education. be there for my parents and pay them back for all they have done for me.

and of cos all my friends, including you, who came to the hospital to visit me, support me when i was down and for some, even rush down just to be there in my time of need. thank you.

I'm sorry for being such a disappointment to you.

take care. God bless.

Inside of Love

watching terrible tv
it kills all thoughts
Getting spacier than
An astronaut
Making out with people
I hardly know or like
I can't believe what i do
Late at night

I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates
I see the beauty above

Only when we get to see
The aerial view
Will the patterns show
We'll know what to do
I know the last page so well
I can't read the first
So i just don't start
It's getting worse
[chorus]
I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates
I see the beauty above

I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I can't find my way in
I try again and again

I'm on the outside of love
Always under or above
I can't find my way in
I try again and again

I'm on the outside of love
Always under or above
Must be a different view
To be a me with a you

I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
I'm standing at the gates
I see the beauty above

I wanna know what it's like
On the inside of love
Of course i'll be alright
I just had a bad night

----------------------------

if only if were jus one bad night...

esp for MarkG who still drops by...

I'm back...

Volvulus

A volvulus is a loop of the bowel whose nose has twisted on itself. The American Heritage Stedman's Medical Dictionary defines volvulus slightly differently as "abnormal twisting of the intestine causing obstruction," which adds obstruction in the definition, and would be more clinically significant term.

Regardless of cause, volvulus causes symptoms by two mechanisms. One is bowel obstruction, manifested as abdominal distension and vomiting. The other is ischemia (loss of blood flow) to the affected portion of intestine. This causes severe pain and progressive injury to the intestinal wall, with accumulation of gas and fluid in the portion of the bowel obstructed. Ultimately, this can result in necrosis of the affected intestinal wall, acidosis, and death. Acute volvulus therefore requires immediate surgical intervention to untwist the affected segment of bowel and possibly resect any unsalvageable portion.

Taken from Wikipedia.

No One --- Alicia Keys

I just want you close
Where you can stay forever
You can be sure
That it will only get better

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don't worry 'cause
Everything's going to be alright
People keep talking they can say what they like
But all i know is everything's going to be alright

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

When the rain is pouring down
And my heart is hurting
You will always be around
This I know for certain

You and me together
Through the days and nights
I don't worry 'cause
Everything's going to be alright
People keep talking they can say what they like
But all i know is everything's going to be alright

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel

I know some people search the world
To find something like what we have
I know people will try try to divide something so real
So till the end of time I'm telling you there ain't no one

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feeling
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you, you, you
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh