Past Few Days

I liked the past few days. Truth be told, Xmas isn't very christmassy for me. It doesn't hold the special significance it did a few years back. I would love to blame it on commericalism but is it the only reason? I don't know. Anyway, the real birthday of our Saviour is somewhere in Jan/Feb, NOT december But I don't think that matters lah. Was quite shocked when I first found out while doing some research for my Heavenly Maths project on the Star of Bethlehem. Apparently the date for Christmas today is actually some pagan festival for a 'sun god'. How ironic.

Anyway, Xmas was simple enough. The day of fun for me was on the 23rd of Dec. Finally had our class outing and though they were only 7 of us, I had great fun. You know, there's always something about East Coast that I love and I really hope their new masterplan don't screw things up. Less is more.
Anyway, we met early on Fri and had breakfast with Darry first. Got some stuff from Cold Storage and met the rest. Thanks to Darry, I now know a much faster and cheaper way to get to ECP on weekdays. heh!
The greatest acheivement for the day was teaching Cher how to cycle although most of the credit has to go to Charles lah cos his 'push & let her fall' method was much more effective than mine 'hold on to the bike & not let her fall' technique. heh. You see, I told you guys I can't let go one :p
Anyway, the entertaining part was Bern & Cher and their lack of control la. My fav was Bern who bladed down a slope and had to grab a sign to stop but...the sign dropped. muhahaha. Anyway, both of them were fine. Only thing was we had to cycle/blade in the rain, which was in fact fun! heh...really enjoyed myself. I should go ECP more often man.

Anyway, I came back with lots of presents & stuff and was really surprised to get a Dockers wallet too man. I hope that didn't cost you a bomb ya gal :D oh and I got this new latest Hesheys choc which is shaped like potato chips...damn cool & really tasty man! Think it will only come to Spore some time later...

I hope we'll keep in touch. It's the year after graduation that really tests whether the frenship will last.

My Xmas Break

Finally, I'm going to take a break! After spending most of the hols busy with thesis interviews, I'm going to take a break till Xmas, at least!

The past few days have been good. Went to Villa Bali yest with Kes, Mark, Ian, Val, Charkwa, & Angie. Really like the place a lot. Very cosy, the drinks ain't that ex (unless you order a lot like we did :) I think I will go back there again some time. Problem is, I don't know whether I will have the time to do so. Have some people to meet up with some ppl b4 sch starts again. Next sem will determine what I graduate with from NUS. God has been very generous in terms of my grades and this sem was no exception. I really thank You for it. So that also means that sem I'll have to fight it out, ESP for my thesis. THAT is gonna be damn important.

Glad that I've been able to juggle social life & work for past few days. Hope to carry on doing that, even this coming sem because, man, it's gonna be the last! Very tempted to enjoy the rest of the hols then slog through the sem...dunno man...oh well see how it goes lah.

Thanks to all those who made my birthday special. Your smses & company are really presents in themselves. Thank you!

Cast Away - a lesson on commitment?

I watched Cast Away again jus now one tv. I just love Tom Hanks lah...think he's one of the best actors around...plus he doesnt come packaged with the arrogance that such esteemed actors usually possess. Anyway, the thing that struck me was the ending lah when Tom Hanks and Helen Hunt declared their love for each other, kissed, got into the car, only for both to realise that there is something more importance than their love - commitment.
I think that is something much lacking in our society today. I mean so much is being said about how the self should be valued above everything else. I shall not go so far as to blame those freaking feminists and post-modernist for stirring this shit but ya...I think it promotes individualism. I see this as the reason why people think of themselves, their freaking emotions above everything else. I guess this is why there're so many divorces these days. I mean if everyone makes decisions based on their individual needs, feelings, etc. then what can we expect?
I don't know. I always see myself as someone who is committed to a cause. And once I commit myself to a cause, be it a project, a girl, or whatever else, I make sure I see it to the end. Basically, my focus in this blog is the girl lah. the project shit is just to distract. I have always seen myself as a guy who once together with a girl, will NEVER betray her trust. But the problem with such assumptions is that you will never really know until you've been in that situation and come out tops. I mean I can always say that when I see a kid about to get banged by a car, I will run and push him/her out of danger just in time but knows? Maybe when the crunch time comes, I'll be rooted to the spot, peeing in my pants, and live the rest of my life hanging my head down low and full of regret and shame. My point being - you'll never really know won't you? Oh well, till that time comes, I'll just assume that I'll be the committed guy who won't betray the girl. Anyway, I got other things to worry about like my character.

It's quite weird lah. I have been wanting to do something since exam time but I procrastinated and then guess what? When I thought about it again...it happened without me doing anything! It kinda got me excited but then I think when such things happen, my stupid mind tends to make a molehill out of nothing (I intentionally used this adapted version of the idiom fyi) and I kinda started thinking lah. SIgh. I sure hate thinking but I sure can't help it! Anyway, hope to take it slow and see how it goes lah.

I have completed two interviews. I almost teared in the 2nd one. I'm learning but I feel drained too cos of the processing of the interview. Sigh. Another one tomorrow, then it's almost consecutive on tues, wed, thurs, then Sat again. Oh well, the faster the better, I guess.

I lack a social life. You know how you make plans during exam time but then screw everything up thereafter? Kinda sad cos I think I will be missing the retreat cos of the interviews. Might not be going for Mambo either. Then, oh well...thinking of giving Xmas Bash a miss though I'll feel bad lah. Will see how it goes lah. At least I'm spending time with my family.

I miss the songs on my old laptop but unless I get the special adaptor to plug into the Hard Disk, I doubt I will be seeing them for quite some time...oh well...
I miss Collide by Howie Day (I will forever associate it with Jon)
and Everything by Lifehouse...

find me here
speak to me
i want to feel you
i need to hear you
you are the light
that is leading me
to the place where
i find peace again
you are the strength
that keeps me walking
you are the hope
that keeps me trusting
you are the life to my soul
you are my purpose
you are everything
and how can i
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this
you calm the storms
you give me rest
you hold me in your hands
you won't let me fall
you still my heart
and you take my breath away
would you take me in
would you take me deeper now
'cause you're all i want
you are all i need
you are everything
everything

I'm just thinking of you now.

Research begins...busy in church...

I start my first thesis research interview tomorrow and I'm feeling kinda apprehensive. It's something I've been waiting to do since yr1/2 cos a thesis is something I always wanted to do since coming into NUS. Oh well...hope it goes well though.

Been busy with church stuff these 2 weeks...not really everyday but still it's kinda on my mind...another meeting tomorrow...hope it goes well...

Was in the car just now and one of my fav songs played...it reminds me of my yr1 sem1 days sitting in 'Hell' with xiaobai n having a fag. I think it was so much more laid back then...I think after yr1 I stopped hanging out so much...k maybe stopped only in yr3...can't rem...anyway...here's one of my fav songs...just so love his low voice...

Wherever You Will Go - The Calling

So lately, I've been wonderin
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own

[Chorus:]
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
Well I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you

[Chorus]

Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart and your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time

[Chorus]

If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go

3rd last exam of Uni life; this sem is over...

It didn't really occur to me that I had two more exams left in my uni life till quite late...anyway finished my exams today and went to Dragon Gate at Harbourfront to eat Dim Sum buffet...it was ok lah considered the fact that we paid 15 bucks only...had quite a good time...then went Paulaner with CY n Ling; Francis came later. Drank 1litre of Munich Dark...beer expert CY could even taste that it was freshly brewed but it didnt fail to make my day lah - good company, good beer.

Anyway, my whole honours cohort took a group pic after our last paper today. Didn't really strike me but it'll be the last time all 29 of us are together. Next sem, there're no compulsory mods so we won't see everyone, plus one and possibly another will be graduating. I think I will miss this semester, though I didn't really get to know everyone? It's a little too late for that; some ppl in class will still have that mysterious veil covering them, in my eyes.


Social Work Honours Class 05/06

Took this other pic when we were at Dragon Boat...heh...according to surely...it looks like I have my own fan club already :p


Cheerio!

Mambo Mood?

This is really weird but on the way back from church I heard "Love changes (everything)" on the radio and then I just felt like in the Mambo mood again. It's been a long time since I had the craving and even longer since I actually went. Listening to my fav song "Summer Rain" now just adds to it. I have to go after exams. K for now...in the midst of the exams (or rather the beginning)...here's Love Changes (everything) by Climie Fisher...

I was only seventeen when she looked at me that way
Seems like yesterday
I was only foolin' 'round but she stole my heart away
I've never been the same

I felt the strangest feeling like a raging fire it burned
She left I cried for weeks and
I can't forget her or the lesson that I learned

Love changes, changes everything
Love makes you fly it can break your wings
Love changes, changes everything
Love makes the rules from fools to kings
Love changes, love changes everything

Then the years went rollin' by
I grew up and moved away
Had to earn my pay
Found another lover then
But my heart is sad to say
It only ended up the same way

And I wondered was I destined to spend my life alone
Oh girl you answered my question
This time it's working you've given me new hope

Love changes, changes everything
Love makes you fly it can break your wings
Love changes, changes everything
Love makes the rules from fools to kings
Love changes, love changes everything

I've seen the way love shakes ya makes ya break ya
It's got a power of it's own

Love changes, changes everything
Love makes you fly it can break your wings
Love changes, changes everything
Love makes the rules from fools to kings
Love changes, love changes everything

17 years of studying...

I decided to take a break from studying. Since 3pm...no mood lah...I think that after 17 years of studying, I've hit the saturation point...thank goodness for the 2 years 'break' in the army.

2 yrs - PAP Kindergarden
6 yrs - St Gabs Pri
4 yrs - St Gabs Sec
2 yrs - NYJC (1st 3 months); NJC (remaining time)
3 yrs - NUS (thus far)

I was trying to think back to my fav schooling time but I can't decide bet. sec sch & jc. Maybe in terms of being the most carefree it has to be NYJC since it was the 1st 3 months, I didn't do any readings and all you do is have fun! Of cos there were the few times I got into trouble with authority lah...don't know why but though I stayed a 5 mins walk from NY, I was almost always late...and everytime I walked on the grass across from one block to another, I was caught, thus I served my fair share of detentions (for those who don't know, NY had this stupid policy of not being allowed to walk on the grass though there were like benches in the middle!). Anyway, I liked that time cos it was carefree lah. No pressure.

Kindergarden & Pri sch was kinda insignificant in my opinion cos I don't remember much. I seriously don't see how some of my frens made then could even rem who I am or what I look like. I mean, to be honest, I don't rem a single one of them (esp so for kindergarden)...for Pri sch i rem only those who had been from Pri. 1C-5C with me; those from Pri. 6B I remember only those who went on to St Gabs Sec with me. I do of cos have memories of pri sch lah, like of writing super duper no. of lines though I was a Prefect and playing soccer with Milo caps (from waterbottles)...I don't know whether guys from other schs did the same?

Anyway, in Sec sch...I seriously don't remember studying very hard or often...it was only during the exam time that I really went full swing...I still rem copying A Maths hw almost everyday at the prefect room in the morning. I think that was the only subject tt required constant work. I think I enjoyed my days in sec sch cos of the band. We had practices like every Tues, Thurs, Fri & Sat and then we'll hang out after that - either soccer or Kopitiam. I rem getting upset over grades but I don't think it got to me much. Of cos all the perks of being an all-guy sch holds :)

In NJ things were rather different cos it's a more mugger atmosphere, esp when compared to NY. I was blessed however to get a class comprising mostly 2nd intakers and most of the class are those I can click n hang out with. I think all my gd JC frens have seen me cry at one time or another and I've seen most of them (gals only) cry too. So many memories man. The only sucky part was of cos the very reason I was in NJ - academia. Oh well, I guess the important thing is that I made it to NUS though barely.

And of cos NUS...will save this reflection to the time when I grad...which happens to me coming soon...k shall end off with a quote I saw in my readings...found it hilarious:

"Men, I want you to fight vigorously and then run. And as I am a little bit lame, I'm going to start running now."

Gen. George Stedman,

U. S. Army (Civil War)

The Last Day of the Sem

And so the first sem of my year 4 life ends...

it started off fucked up. The stupid photocopying room was full of freaking useless technological gadgets...first the freaking feeder kept jamming...I mean if it can't freaking work why put it in use in the first place?? Then I thought I lost my cashcard (why can't stupid NUS allow me to keep my matricard which had the cashcard?) and searched for it like a fool only to realise it was in the damn cashcard machine...then the stupid stapler thingy couldn't freaking work properly...my anger just started accumulating till I felt I was gonna explode. Sorry to ahbao n carol who had to see it.

Anyway, it got better lah. Had a nice surprise when Dr Ng gave me a nice little notebook for doing well in her pre-post test, test. heh. She's a really great lecturer and I hope that I will be able to study under her again one day :) The day ended off rather well with some of my classmates having tea with Prof Ngiam. He's a really great guy and it kinda soothed my nerves before exam mugging starts again.

This sem is different. I realised how focused and dogmatic I had been in my readings the whole of year 3 that I didnt have much catching up to do just before exams. Things seem to be different now. Damn scared for policy. Sigh. Oh well...will see how it goes. Looking forward to the 28th. Then I can start work on my thesis proper.

And so it ends...

As with all the things in my life that I treasure and the times that I enjoy, the ending is always anti-climatic. It didn't end off with the bang that I expected or with the photo-taking session that I was hoping would immortalise the moment. Nope, none of it. But nonetheless I got to take a few pics and I will get to see them all next Sat (I hope everyone comes). Someone said she already miss me, and I guess I already miss all of them too. I don't know how I will fill this emptiness. You know how it is when your heart gets filled with love and then it's kinda taken away? Like a death of a loved one? I don't know if it's the cynicism in me but it has happened before and it will happen again. Can you remember a good friend whom you were so close to that you felt time would do nothing to ravage the friendship, yet now this friends seems more a distant memory than a reality? Ya, tt's about it. Oh well, I'm trying to change and focus on the good things that has happened...these wonderful gems that have come into my life. The ups as well as the downs. They kinda made my life worth it this year, especially during the darkest time for me this year when it seemed meaningless to even carry on. I love them.

It's been a long time...

since I had a full day at home. I've never really resented going to school until this semester. So the breaking point comes after 7 sems. As I toiled away at my laptop, I failed to realised the beauty that lay outside my window. I don't know why (had I forgotten that scene) but the view just looked beautiful today. The luscious green together with the clear blue skies plus that illusive mountain in the background (in Malaysia); I was just awe struck and the scene made me feel serene and happy though I had a paper under construction right in front of me.
I guess with all things there's something to be thankful for, such as for the friends who keep you sane (or maybe insane in the case of some; e.g. Keenan) and who keep you alive. There's a presentation that could have turned out much worse and many other things like having Tock give me a lift home, but alas my feeble mind can't remember everything. What overwhelms my mind now is this coming Sunday, a day when a journey ends.

One Tree Hill / Cool day

I watched One Tree Hill again today. I like that show. In particular I like Lucas; think he's not only cool and good-looking, he has a sensitive human side to him. Good actor. A piece of dialogue struck me (not physically):

Lucas: I had no intention of hurting you.
Girl who he supposedly got pregnant: It doesn't matter; it hurts all the same.

I guess sometimes we tell ourselves our intentions are good then the outcome doesn't matter or rather we're not as liable for the hurt or pain that we've caused others. But is this true?

It's been a cool day. The first time (i don't think there was a last time) when I didn't on the fan at all even at the peak of the afternoon. Oh well, such days only come once in awhile so I made full of it...zzZ

Sunday morning blogging with an essay to write

Most of the morning has passed and I have yet to begin writing a single word for my essay due tomorrow. The fact is I'm too emotionally charged to write anything. Definitely not an essay about the theory of a family therapy and its application into a case example.
It's amazing how people can be 9 years apart and still go through the exact emotions; the same reaction to a similar situation. I guess it's really true that you have to had gone through it in order for you to help someone and to be able to feel it in that person's shoes. How else can we help the person if we can't fathom his/her subjective reality, but instead attempt to apply our textbook teachings into the situation cos "research has shown that...".
I was thinking about something said during CG...that God gives us all we need/want but not directly through the means we think will get will us those needs/wants (e.g. want a gd job doesnt mean we'll do well for all our studies but God still will give us that good job). So He determines the end but the process is up to us?
Last night I prayed, earnestly, for the 1st time in a long time, for God to take away all the pain that exists in this world. I can't take it anymore. Why must pain exist? Why must I see my friends go through pain? Why must people I know hurt themselves in order to feel better about themselves? Why can't teens get along with their parents? Why do people have to experience the illness and death of their loved ones? Why? WHY??
I guess the problem is that I don't know where or rather how to draw the line so that my friends' problems are not mine. But I can't. I feel all they do and it's really getting to me. How the fuck am I gonna be a social worker if this carries on? I will burnout in no time. But I want to help everyone. I don't want anyone to "fall through the cracks" and be forgotten or unhelped. But somehow time doesnt seem to permit me to. I'm really not enjoying my honours year at all. K this may be an exaggeration but the fact remains that it's stopping me from doing the things that I want to do - helping people - cos I seem to be too busy with 'more important things'.



"In the service of love, only broken hearts will do"

Time to get sappy again

It's amazing how much emotions I allow myself although I'm swarmed with work. It's as if God has blessed me with this gift of being able to feel a million emotions at once. The problem being my inability to comprehend, let alone the ability to control or regulate them.
As I was settling some admin stuff for my Cat Class this year, I just couldn't help but feel melancholic. I'm coming to the end of a journey. A journey that I really enjoyed. A bunch of people that I've come to love. And get upset over when I feel I haven't done enough. It actually pains me to have to say goodbye. Things will never be the same. People always say we can keep in touch. But it never really is the same. I really can't curb this pessimistic side of me that all too often builds up speed only for it to brake suddenly and the ensuing momentum propelling me through a windscreen till I hit the ground, hard, feeling the pain scorching through every orifice of my body.
Why do I feel so sad I ask myself. Rather, how can I swing so quickly from one emotion to another like a manic-depressive person? Whatever. I just want this moment to last forever but I know I can't. It's about letting go again. I remember this feeling last yr but somehow it wasn't this strong. I wasn't as close. Not like this bunch.
Something tt saddens me though is one of my teens who won't be 'graduating'. His brother seems to be affected as well. I don't know. Maybe I didn't do enough. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe.

I just know that once end of year comes, I will have lost a bunch of kids I truely love.

You're Beautiful

You're Beautiful - James Blunt

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

Stressed beyond a reasonable doubt

I think that for the first time I felt it again. The rush. The fear. The Stress.
There's so much to do and I realise that bad time management in the first half of the semester is not helping. Next week will be interesting: Thesis proposal presentation on Mon, 4103 essay on Wed, evaluation project proposal and all details to be settled by Fri which means we gotta meet and settle the details, go thru Dr Ng and then (hopefully) IMH will approve of it. Which I suspect would not be the case. We need to get started man. All the other groups are so onz. Not to mention, they've gotten their programs to evaluate. There's so much to read. Sigh. K gotta go now...ciao!

Heavy Thinking

I’ve been thinking a lot recently and the things that happen or I hear around me keeps it ‘burning’. Today’s sermon was just as poignant as that of yesterday. Today’s gospel passage is one of those that I hate. It’s the story of how labourers were hired by the Master to work in the fields for a fixed wage. Then the Master goes out and hires more labourers who start working later. At the end of the day, all were paid the same wage although some worked more/harder than the others. I hate this passage because I see it as unfair; injustice prevails. To me, it just means that there’s no point in working so hard – just slack till the last minute and you will still be embraced. I was beginning to fill with contempt as the passage was being read. Fr Henry Siew however provided another perspective, which I found illuminating. The passage is not about fairness or justice (or the lack of it). Instead, the focus should be on the generousity of the Master. Our heavenly Father loves us so much that He welcomes us even though we may join “late”; we all get the same treatment – unconditional Love.

Thus, it dawned on me that our God is One of equality, not equity. Personally, I believe very much in equity – “to be rewarded according to what one has given”. However, our God believes that all should be treated the same; no one deserves His Love any less than another. Maybe it’s the selfish streak in me but I don’t really like that idea especially when put in the context of Christian living. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not doing the things that I’m doing cos I have to but I think that it’s freaking unfair for me to have to do good when others can cheat, manipulate, fuck around, commit all sorts of crimes and then still “get away scot-free” just because they embrace God “at the last minute”. Don’t know what you guys think but that’s what I feel.

On another front I see myself including more people in my “love” list. You know there are certain people that just make you wanna love them. For most of us, it involves mainly our family and possible a boyfren or girlfren. However, over the past few weeks, I’ve seen myself add in several people into that list. First of all, there’s Dusty. Though she irritates me like mad sometimes, I still really love her and when someone shared with me her experience of losing her dog, it made me very sad too because I don’t want to have to face that day. But that day will come, hopefully not for a long time to come. I guess what makes Dusty so endearing is epitomised in what my mum said, that unlike humans, no matter if you scold or beat her, she doesn’t hold grudges and the very next moment, she’ll come to find you again. I think that it’s something that’s lacking in humans. This basic concept of forgiveness and of not holding grudges. If only humans were more like dogs. The other group of people that have been included in this list is that of my cat class kids. Most of them anyway. I guess I realised it today when I wanted to fight for the rights of some of them during my meeting but when no one seemed to share my view I just felt so upset. I realised then that it’s like that when you love someone. And as usual I hate the vulnerability that comes attached with that love you feel. Love conquers all right? *reality check* That’s bullshit. Sorry but I just had to include that statement. Anyway, just hope that I will be able to keep in touch and that they will remember me.

Novena

Brought some of my cat class kids to Novena today. It was their first time for most of them. It was a good and nice experience. I liked Fr's sermon. He talked mainly about gossiping. Something that I myself am guilty of. Something that I sincerely want to do less. I think many of us out there gossip but don't see any harm in it. Well, I think that's myopia. Anyway, Fr said that we shd all think before we speak and the things that we want to share or tell others should pass a 3-layered test:

1st Layer - Is it true? If we don't even know it's true, why bother sharing it with others and spreading it around?

2nd Layer - Is it something good? Is the content of what you are gonna say about some good aspect of a person/event/thing?

3rd Layer - Is it useful? Does knowing this piece of information help or benefit anyone?

I think that many people just shoot their mouths off without thinking or simply spread gossip with others. I guess it's hard to see how words can hurt a person but it does. Maybe some people will only understand when they are the targets of such insults/gossip. To such people I just have to share a line with you:

"If what you're gonna say isn't going to improve the silence, just shut up"

Anyway, I had a good time hanging out with my Cat Class kids...hope that we'll keep in touch even after confirmation. That's something tt I've not been able to do with my class last year. I hope things are different this year. We'll see :)

Can of worms

I don't think I properly introduced to you guys my thesis topic. it's on the burdens and gains experienced by the caregivers of dementia patients. I've been doing a lot of reading and such but i don't think i gave much thought to the emotional issues involved till I attended the Public Forum on Dementia that was held at York hotel today (sat).
There were quite a few instances when I couldn't help but tear. In particular, Dr Phillip Yap from AH was really inspirational. I don't know why I feel so emotional also. Maybe it was cos of the night before (will tell you about tt later). But I had to control myself from bursting into tears at times. Man. This is gonna be my research. I'm gonna have to interview the caregivers one on one. I can't burst out crying then! What have I gotten myself into? Have I forgotten what an emotional creature I am? Oh well. Like the caregiver said, one step at a time.

Wanna share some phrases which struck me. Some might not mean a time to you, esp if it's more specifically related to dementia caregiving.

"the primary goal of dementia caregiving is to maintain the personhood of the sufferer"

"the longest journey a man has to make is that from his head to his heart"

"Mum has dementia and evetually died from it. She was the same as millions of others except for one important difference - she was my mother" (Davidson)

"the only way to heal is to give of yourself in the service of others" - said by a lady who lost her husband at the Nicholl Highway collapse and then her mother (to dementia) 3 weeks later

"if you want to see the rainbow, you have to 1st learn to put up with the rain"

I don't know why, but i think that this thesis will help me grow. I'm sure it will. For now, i'll have to deal with this emotional can of worms that I've opened.


Last Night...

was one of those nights when I felt really drained but no matter what I couldn't fall asleep. To make matters worse, I kept remembering the unhappy moments and things in my life. To really put the icing on the cake, I couldn't express my emptions. You know how you feel better afer crying, it really sucks when you can't let it out (when you want to of cos). oh well, life's fine, could be better but heck, it could always be better right? Just gotta have to make do.

those with no electronic identity have no social identity

the title is from my CS1105 tutorial. not that i believe it but then I really find it damn difficult to live w/o my laptop esp since I dont have a desktop at home. the thing is i cant live w/o technology, not in uni at least. and i realised that i've been so attached to the internet that i usu go online every night now.
the scare starting on Mon when I was summarising an article for my sw4103 assignment and then the screen went all funny. Then i realised i couldnt on my laptop anymore. Sigh. Freaking out. Anger. Then i decided to sleep it off...and it kinda worked till I felt the frustration again! oh man, all my hard work gone! wtf! Then fear....oh fuck... had not backed up my thesis research or my 4103 stuff...how how?? oh well, in the end the nice guy at the service center took out my HD and allowed me to save SOME of my files into a thumbdrive. Thank goodness. At least SOME of my info is saved. Thanks to those who prayed for my laptop...thanks a lot...really appreciate it.
so now goes life w/o technology for some time. My options are as follows:

1. Repair my laptop at Fujitsu service center which would cost $770 (+GST + $80) if the problem is with the main board or $900+ (+GST + $80) if its to do with the screen.

2. Repair my laptop with someone on the outside....might get a quotation to gauge the price but I don't expect it to be cheap.

3. Get a new laptop for less than $2k which would be useful esp if I'm doing thesis work in sch and for viewing CS1105 breeze b4 lecture.

4. Get a desktop (thinking of getting a Dell) not gonna buy those assemble ones cos they don't come with a guarantee and I don't think that's a wise option this honours year.

So what do you think guys? Any advice? Any lobang...pls tell me...thanks!

suspected surprise

When my godson called me on Fri to ask me whether we could meet up on Sat, I didn't think much of it. Till he told me to meet his at the church entrance instead of the canteen.

"why the entrance?"
"just wait there", I was told.

On Sat, it got much more suspicious when Aaron didn't appear at 2 and some of the girls in my class were way too early for the trip. Then later some of the kids in class surprised me with a cake, a Teachers' Day cake. My goodness, I'm a teacher! Well, it really was a pleasant surprise though I suspected something was up already. Thanks to Darry, Charles, Sudibyo, Matthew, Bern, Averil, Cheryl and Cherlyn for the surprise :D and of cos Aaron who helped in the trickery though he couldn't be there. Really appreciate the effort man. And the card was wonderful too. I will leave you with one phrase in the card, my "girlfren" wrote it:

My boyfriend stones, cos his girlfren ROCKS!

Man, I hope I didn't spread the lameness.

There are some people you just can't help but love.

Basketball, Employers, Teachers & Life

On the way back from the airport just now, I recalled how much I liked basketball in the past. When I was in my sec sch, the Band ppl always play soccer or basketball after practice on Sat (sometimes on the other 3 days) and it was then the interest started. I rem cos we had combined practice with Zhonghua Band, we challenged them to a basketball match and trashed them. Their basketball sch team players heard about it and challenged us to a match and trashed us. Then our sch basketball team players heard about it and helped us seek revenge by beating them. Looking back, it's dumb. We shd have just said no and ended the chance of getting humiliated. I guess that's the problem when you're a teen, it's hard to say no to challenges. The two most memorial basketball matches that I played in are fresh in my head. The first is this game my sec4 class played after our prelim exams. It was at the now defunct Braddel Heights CC. TY, Alvin & Zhijie were in my team and we were just unbeatable, which was surprising cos only TY was ever really good but we seem to be making all the shots. The second match was during the time when I played basketball every Fri night with my sec sch classmates during my JC1 days. I rem that the final score was 100-75 (of cos I'm on the winning team otherwise it wouldnt be memoriable ;) and we took almost 2 hrs though the pros take about 48 mins to reach tt score. My shooting was so much better then cos I would practice the trajectory and follow-through again and again. Those were the (basketball) days :)

Someone told me recently that if he was an employer, he would employ me cos he trusted me. It was really an honour to hear that. It got me thinking - I think he is right as in he can trust me cos I would never betray the trust of a fren. Then I began thinking about which one of my friends I would and would not hire if I ever had the privilege of being an employer. It's like you know some ppl very well, how they work, how much importance they place in the work that they do, how much pride they take in their work. Some others are (though friends) just don't make good employees or maybe they'll jusy wayang like in army. Just got me thinking.

CY brought up the topic of teachers recently and I realised how big an influence teachers can play in one's life. Some teachers are great and always talked about when I meet up with my sec sch mates. Peter Tan from St Gabs is one such person - someone who really got me to like and appreciate Literature. Other teachers however are just damn screwed up. I think the worst thing you can do is to put a person down. Don't get me wrong, I think that it's fine if you scold and all but to put the person down and condemn him/her instead of the action is just not right. So many ppl come to mind when I think of such teachers. Selena Tan from St Gabs was like that. Stupid bitch. NJC also didn't seem to have very gd teachers. Or was it my luck? I mean, even during the periods when I tried, I was hardly encouraged. Instead I was put down. It's really damn frustrating when you are picked on, even in the vastness of LT1. Oh well, I don't hold bitterness lah. I just feel that teachers will know how much they can impact on the lives of those they teach. Though they might see it immediately, some actions go a long way.

On a side note, I was really pleasantly surprised to receive two Happy Teachers' Day smses last night. Thanks a lot Cherlyn & Sudibyo - thanks for affirming my decision to carry on in this ministry :D

Life has been rather mundane. Oh wait, but if I had so much work to do, how come I can still attend Arts AGM, Exco AGM, CG, have dinner out, go Munchie Monkey then Spinelli to hang out, etc? Next Mon might be going Paulaner somemore. I guess I'm still not in full gear but if I could have it my way, I want to speed ahead but include all these elements in my life. I think tt's how I want my 4th and last yr in NUS to be like.

Change

It's been a fast and slow couple of days. One of those days when you don't feel productive but kinda productive, do some work but don't do others. Feel happy when slacking, happy when working.
Fri was quite bad at first. Got off the phone with a lady who's in charge of agencies with potential respondents for my research. Seems like I will have a lot of difficulty getting my sample. Indeed. I felt like crying. Then when I saw CY in the lib, God seemed to have sent me hope. Dr Ng had asked him to pass me a registration form to participate in a forum related to my topic. And of cos some of my honours classmates seem to be helping me as well. I'm blessed.
I seem to need lots of sleep these days. 9 hours to be exact. Sigh. I need to work, get started on real work. Not just aimless 'research'.
I enjoyed celebrating CY birthday on Fri...it was gd. SWAPS AGM was errr...well...all we can say is that we tried our best. At the end of the day, emotions still triump over rationality.
Anyway, I'm back from CHarkwa's Bday...hope she enjoyed herself. On the way back I heard this song in the car...very nice song...and too new in fact to d/l :p Anyway, do catch it if you can...for all of you...


CHANGE - by Tracy Chapman

If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and Love,
Would you change? Would you change?

If you knew that love can break your heart,
When you're down so low you cannot fall,
Would you change? Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses, how much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around, makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget, makes you change?

If you knew that you would be alone,
Knowing right, being wrong,
Would you change? Would you change?

If you knew that you would find a truth,
That brings up pain that can't be soothed,
Would you change? Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses, how much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around, makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget, makes you change?
Makes you change

Are you so upright you can't be bent?
If it comes to blows are you sure you won't be crawling?
If not for the good, why risk falling?

If everything you think you know,
Makes your life unbearable,
Would you change? Would you change?

If you'd broken every rule and vow
And hard times come to bring you down,
Would you change? Would you change?

If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and Love,
Would you change? Would you change?
Would you change? Would you change?

If you saw the face of God and Love,
If you saw the face of God and Love,
Would you change? Would you change?




It really struck me. I hope it did the same for you.

Crash: moving at the speed of life, we are bound to collide with each other

It's a movie that I had been wanting to catch but couldn't find someone to watch with.

In a line this movie is about...

all the various ethnicities in America and how they have stereotypes of other ethnicities which are in fact perpetuated by the actions of those they stereotype. Get it? well, for a better sypnosis check out the official website: Crash

Anyway, the thing that I liked about the movie was the fact that they protrayed the different facets of each character so much so that even though one character (eg. Matt Dillion) was just a bastard in one scene, he played a hero in another, being a filial son in another. It's this capturing of various aspects of one character that struck me the most - even the worst ppl on this earth have a soft side to them; even the nicest ppl have their flaws. I guess that's how all of us are - the good and bad side resides in us. Anyway, just wanna leave you guys with this pic I ripped off the official website...shd catch the movie if you can :)

Welcome to Honours Year

As I walked into class for my first lesson this sem, I couldn't help but feel a tinge of excitement. The little excitement faded though and was quickly replaced with fear and high cortisol levels. The fact that so much was demanded, compounded with the loss of fantastic potential grp mates such as CY and Fareez made it so much harder to breathe. Computing & Society wasn't too promising too and the fact that I had no more S/Us left didn't bode well for me either.

On a positive front, my meeting with my thesis sup, Dr Ow, turned out much better than expected. Bad thing is that all my research on suicide & cutting behaviour has come to nought cos my thesis topic is now on the very different topic of caregiving of Alzheimer's patients. Interesting part is that I have to read up on this growing aspect of psych called - Positive Psychology. Will have to make contact with the 4 agencies in Singapore which serve this select but growing grp of patients in Spore. There's a lot of work to be done.

At least it ended off with gd frens - thanks for those who had dinner with me (CY, bao, nan, jon, jo, lex) and popped by (aka scared of cockroach gal) thanks for being my social support. At least I know I won't be alone on this journey.

I'm tired but I don't wanna sleep...

welcome to the new semester. For the record, I have not had my first class yet.
there're so many thoughts in my head now.

myself: there're so many things about myself I wanna change. One of which I mentioned in my previous post already. The other which my fren CY actually mentioned to me last week but I kinda dismissed it. His pastor had told him something about the words he speak shd be about God. The CY went on to say that he shd stop joking n poking fun of ppl. It only struck me today when Fr mentioned it during his homily. What is it that I am speaking, can someone tell if I am a Christian from what I say? Profanities shd be the first to go but I doubt I can control it when I play soccer or when some jerk cuts into my lane. It has become instinctual, almost an automatic response. Is making fun of others good? I don't think so. You may think that they can take it or rather they don't take it to heart but you never know. And there's nothing inherently good in generating laughter at another's expence. The same goes for gossiping. Actually, I don't know where is the line and what constitutes gossiping about someone. I construe it as talking about BAD things behind one's back. I've been guilty of that the past few weeks. I don't know why but I'm not naturally gossipy but...sigh...must try to change.
I want to exercise more and lose weight. Man, I'm the fattest I've ever been in my life but I seem SO comfortable with myself that I don't even bother. Sigh.
I want to read the bible on a regular basis. I think laziness is the reason behind not doing so. Fr said today that it's the most important book you'll ever need to read but why do I choose to read some social work text every sem instead of the bible?
I want to remain humble. Another impt point that CY pointed out last week.

About being single...
I want to remain focused this yr and I'm not gonna let ANY girl get me off track. I guess I've tried to get to know someone better but it's not working out. Somehow tt's the way it is lah but I'm not gonna let it get me down. For the many girls who have been wanting to get to know me better, I'm sorry. Really really sorry. Maybe you can take a queue number and we can meet up like after the 31st of March, 2006? cos tt's when my thesis is due :D
Come on Nick, who are you kidding? Aiya, whatever lah, single then single lah. The most I will join Keenan and have a Double Ordination at the CHurch of the Risen Christ in 8 yrs time :p

About CSS...
trying to wash my hands and keep quiet wrt to decision making or commenting about how things shd be done etc...indeed it has changed...in many areas for the better but in some areas for the worse. I rem telling Alan n Wayne about how I felt I was not needed anymore, that I was out of the "grand design" and Alan so wisely commented, that's the way it's meant to be. That's God's way of teaching us that none of us are indispensible. Life goes on. Time to let go.

About Church & Cat Class...
Henry asked me a qn no one in church has asked me b4, "how come you're not in SALT?" I never considered joining the youth ministry b4. I don't think it's being run properly but shd I join, to try to make a difference? Anyway, looking forward to Ser coming back next yr and hopefully can pull in others like Carol? Then at least we got a core team. It's really much easier to work with ppl on the same wavelength.
I'm intending to bring my kids to novena, prob during the one week break (inspired by Ian). Gonna take a lot of effort man but I think it shd be done. Might try to connect to my previous class too but tt's gonna be MUCH harder to do. Sometimes I ask for too much: that they always feel God's Love, that they keep the faith, that they rem that God loves them. I wonder if they even rem a single thing I told them. Do they rem me. I don't think I've done much for my Godson. He's still so playful and his 'O's are ard the corner. I tried telling that to him then i realised tt I ended up nagging n he switched off. I really want him to do well man. *wake up wake up* I want you to do well.


*TIRED*

Anyway, I will leave you guys with a song. I think I heard this song subconsciously before. Then one morning when I was waiting for my ex at KAP (she was 1.5 hrs late), I started humming the tune w/o knowing the song and only after that did I ask ard and found out what it was...enjoy.

Out of my Head -by Fastball


Sometimes I feel
Like I am drunk behind the wheel
The wheel of possibility
However it may roll
Give it a spin
See if you can somehow factor in
You know there's always more than one way
To say exactly what you mean to say

Was I out of my head? Was I out of my mind?
How could I have ever been so blind?
I was waiting for an indication
It was hard to find
Don't matter what I say only what I do
I never mean to do bad things to you
So quiet but I finally woke up
If you're sad then its time you spoke up too

It's hard being Christian

there have been many times the past few days that I'v had the urge to blog and the moment I go to this page, the urge dies off as suddenly as it came. So many things have happened, so many things I wanna blog about. Most recently, about the sermon that the priest at Novena gave just now. I felt inspired. I wanted to focus on God, love all those ard me. But I can't. It's like I don't know why but I get agitated so easily and I don't have hormones or the rush of blood to blame for it. Then it's just me?
I couldn't have asked for a better start to the new academic year - waking up at 10, mass at novena & lunch with my family. But then, it's always my irritability & tone of voice that screws things up.
Many times it's not the content or what you say that matters, but HOW you say it:
"CAN YOU NOT BANG THE DOOR SO HARD?!?!" as compared to...
*smile* "hey, are you trying to spoil my door?"

I don't know lah but I think it's something that I have to work on. I tend to take the aggressive tone esp when something is done not to my liking. Even when I pose a genuine question to a presenter, it seems confrontational. *sigh* I will try to change that this sem.

It's so easy to be un-Christian in my behaviour. But it's so freaking hard to be Chrisitian-like. So freaking hard.

St Anne's Feastday & Funfair '05

I had fun today. Comparing myself back to last year when alan and myself got a shady deal - wearing this lime-green polo-tee and having to become the fatigue party: the team of macho men in tight tees who you can summon to clear rubbish, get u drinks or clear your table. This year, the CP3s had to man the Frog Jump game stall. It was fun. Hot though but the thing I was most pleased with is that EVERY single person in my cat class went. I was suspecting that Kenneth might find an excuse to run off, Melvin, Watson & Wilson won't show and Fabiola might be too tired to come. Was really pleasantly surprised when all came and all helped out even if it was for a short while. Thanks a million to those like Wayne & MarkC who helped out even though they didn't need to. Ed & Peter, thanks for ur dedication n big heart for helping out so long. I liked it cos this year, the kids ran the show lah and I could just slack at the back :)
Had a gd time walking about n all too.
*side track*
have to tell you guys a pick-up line that came to my mind yest. I tried tripping one of the girls in my cat class cos she was suaning me then it occured to me.
First I try to trip the girl. Then she'll prob ask, "why did you do that???" Then I say, "Cos I want you to fall for me!" :D and give a goofy grin (the kind Maurice is great at).
The prob with this was that I verbalised it to my cat class kids and now they insist that I'm trying to get Cheryl to fall for me. Oh man, my mistake, my mistake.
*back to funfair*

Went home rather tired but had to stay awake so that I could reach church by 430pm for the procession rehearsal. The statue which my cat class kids had to carry was heavy man; my arms were trembling when Anthony and myself shifted it. I'm quite proud that all 8 of them - Dion, Sudi, Darry, Charles, Averil, Bern, Cherlyn & Cheryl - managed to pull it off. Saw them struggling but in the end they managed to pull thru. heh. Mass was good and overall, it was a good day. Good Day.

Had dinner at KFC in Compasspoint with 6 of them and chatted for awhile, n let the guys show me some magic card tricks. Then escorted Sudi, Charles, Cherlyn & Cheryl to grab a cab. All 4 of them squeezed at the back :)

Interacting with them, talking to them, hanging out with them made me think about myself when I was their age. When I attended catechism. Sadly, I don't rem ANYone in my class. I was shy back then; talking to girls was something like a last resort thing and I could never be myself when with them. I wish I were more sociable and outspoken then. Maybe I would have made more frens, maybe I would have been more popular, maybe I would have more female frens, maybe. Then I think about the other ppl in my class, about the quieter ones. The ones who are as shy as, if not more shy than I was back then. I guess that's the reason why i try to include them all the time. I know how they feel? And it's a good thing cos once you've been there you know how it feels and you'll want to make them feel comfortable, that they're important and include them in the things u do. Sometimes, things can get dominated by the more prominent ppl in the class n the rest are left out. I guess tt's why I was shy in the past. Just glad that I'm close to the kids. Gonna make an effort to reach out to the rest. k tired sia~ next week will be intensive research. tt's my promise to myself. here's to 100 years of Mugging - NUS!!!

Of Tuesdays, emotions, selfishness and songs.

Finally managed to catch Tuesdays with Morrie on Hallmark channell and I must admit it was rather embarrassing. Holding back tears in front of my mum and sis. Even during the first part when my mum asked rather ignorantly:" he's gonna die right?" I burst into tears and half laughing and crying I burst out "yes, yes..." It's a good show lah. I want to read it again but I realised I lent it to someone and the person hasn't returned. The best part is that I can't rem who I lent it to. :(

reading blogs lead me to think...

1. I don't consider myself an MCP. I believe that girls are equal, if not superior to guys in most areas. With the obvious exception of driving of cos. I don't mind opening doors, giving way etc etc to girls without thinking twice. BUT I don't like it when girls take it as a given that it MUST be the way. I don't know about you guys lah but I think it rather hypocritical if girls demand equality and still expect all these things to be done. Doesn't equality mean both genders (notice the use of gender as compared to sex) does not have to be 'served' by the other?
Taking this argument a notch further, is there really equality in the judicial system? Doesn't anyone realise that our legal system is biased against guys, especially in divorce proceedings. I think times have changed and with more women working instead of home-making, these same laws which was legislated to protect them should be revised.

2. I took this part off the comment I left on Surely's blog :p
Many things in life are relative I guess and knowing someone else out there is worse off than you never fails to make most feel better. Don't you realise there's something inherently selfish in that statement? Human nature I guess. I'm guilty of that too. I didnt make this statement to judge anyone ya so don't misunderstand. I just realised it lah. Many a times I feel better knowing that there are others going thru what I am or worse off than me. What do you think?

ANyway, tomolo is St Anne's Food & Funfair...hope it's fun!! I'm helping out in the FrogJump Game Stall.

Leave you guys with a song:

Everything -Lifehouse (Smallville Soundtrack)

Find me here, speak to me

I want to feel you, I need to hear you

You are the light that's leading me to the place

Where I find peace again

You are the strength that keeps me walking

You are the hope that keeps me trusting

You are the life to my soul

You are my purpose

You're everything

And how can I stand here with you

And not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this

You calm the storms and you give me rest

You hold me in your hands

You won't let me fall

You still my heart and you take my breath away

Would you take me in, take me deeper now

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this

Cause you're all I want, you're all I need

You're everything, everything

You're all I want

You're all I need

You're everything, everything

You're all I want

You're all I need

You're everything, everything

You're all I want

You're all I need

Everything, everything

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be any better any better than this

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this


I hope to be able to sing this song and mean what it says, one day. One day.

Frustration / Poem

I feel quite frustrated now. Wanna screw everything but I can't. I'm both hard-hearted and soft-hearted. Hard-hearten enough to feel like screwing it all but bitching about it. But soft-hearted enough to still go on with it and endure. According to the Law of Noncontradiction, I shouldn't exist.
The following poem (though I think it sounds more like a song) was written by my former cat class student...

“Liar,” I scream, “Liar!” again.
The drums began rolling
Now I’m in the game
How I’ve sought injustice;
Now living it well
Thought I’ll die shattered?
Your tongue swells.

You live on your mendacity;
Be afraid, they bite.
Like thunder in a storm,
They’ll haunt you at night.

Be fearful, my dear.
Be petrified.
When your season’s over,
I’ll rise from the vault.
Though I’ve never perished,
Your eyes only feint.
This rapport might betray
This odium never expires.

A song of today's teen. Thanks for letting me put this up G** ;)

Hive of activity

It's a been a very busy past few days.

Sat - planning for cat class. It went kinda well. I think it's better when I'm more relaxed and things run more smoothly. mass was at 8pm so decided to head down to King's. watched a lot of Troy first b4 heading down to CarkeQuay and Boat Quay area. Explored this place called Gallery Hotel which is some botique apartment place and discovered a few pubs there. too bad we couldn't explore the swimming pool. it would have been cool. headed down to eski but decided to drink at Hooegarden first. Had a full pint then watched Ian drink a waterfall. spectacular!! then we had a shot of tequila each...sweet. headed down to eski and had a gd time chilling out (pun intended). had supper and a fag with the guys. saw SerP there. Haven't seen her in awhile. Oh well, it's better like this. hung out n chatted a bit (jon n greg we shd do more nights like this) and then took a wonderful bath in the bathtub! I love bathtubs (though this one was a little too small/short for me)!! when I came out, everyone was asleep...n I shared a bed with Jon...how nice! ;)

Sun - woke up with the urge to swim so was grateful that Ian and Jon who initially wanted to sleep more joined us. Barry and I headed for the steambath first, then 15 mins in the Suana and then a dip in the pool! heavenly! after we checked out, I had lunch alone at Raffles City BK then decided to head for the New National Lib. The view from the 14th floor is fantastic man. Checked out the social sci section on L7 and found a few books on social work. Not bad. Sat at this table with the view of suntec, marina area. How to concentrate like that? ;) the lifts offer a great view too...second only to Pan Pacific Hotel's lifts! I skipped the basement though cos it was packed. Hate crowds.
Met CY at abt 3pm and we went to Paulaner Munchen for beer. Went shopping for ahbao's present then ate the famous curry puff. Went to drink beer again and then ate Carl Jr's! It's fantastic man! DEFINITELY the BEST burger I've eaten. Had the super star. It's like the whopper but with TWO beef patties. Of cos, it's damn ex lah...we had to move off so we couldn't get the meal which is 10 bucks (more worth it). My Super Star cost $6.90! But money well spent lah (once in awhile ok lah).
then went back to Paulaner Munchen for the third time. The beer and wine is 1-for-1 from 2pm-8pm sundays n mondays. By the end of the day, I had drank close to 2 litres of beer. It's gd stuff. oh then we were writing ahbao's card n setting up the cake when she found us. What a surprise...for us tt is. heh. but had a gd time drinking n snacking. And once again, Tock, that wonderful guy sent us all home! heh.

I got some good news. News that when I first read about on Sat evening in my dad's car, it brought a broad smile to my face. I thank you God from the very depth of my soul. Thank you for what you have given me and for your affirmation.

Singapore National Employers' Federation Medal (Bronze) 2004-2005
Special Book Prize (Social Work) 2004-2005

I guess this is the pinnacle. Year 4 is starting soon. I will do my best. And all I do, I do it in Your Name. Amen.

thoughts.

Been going out quite often these days. Sch too of cos since I have work to do but haven't been doing much. Been hanging out with CY n his fren Francis. Been playing Winning Eleven at the co-op too. Just came back from a 50 buck dinner which was nice. Just chilling out and having a good meal. Looking forward to the German meal in August! :D
thesis, thesis, thesis. suicide is still on my mind but it's gonna be damn hard to get respondents + the ethics board might not approve of it. considering Caregiver burden too, possibly on Alzheimer pts?
Was thinking on 156 jus now...how stereotypes lead to misattribution but it's more a psych topic than a sw one.
something happened the other day that really struck me. how my words which many a times I don't choose wisely, can affect someone so much. sigh. If someone complains of not having any power I'll tell that person off. We all have some power. The power to affect others, both positively and negatively, with our words and actions. I hope there never comes a time when I regret the words that come out of my mouth.

Iceman? Feelings.

You scored as Iceman. Iceman is a very powerful but volitile X-man. His ego and reluctance to follow orders means that he often clashes with Cyclops. Despite being immature sometimes, he's very popular with the ladies and is an extremely powerful X-Man. Powers: Can lower the temperature in areas around him. Basically, he has a near limitless ability to freeze things and make massive amounts of ice. Iceman 85% Wolverine 75% Cyclops 75% Beast 75% Colossus 65% Nightcrawler 60% Jean Grey 55% Storm 50% Rogue 45% Gambit 45% Emma Frost 35% Most Comprehensive X-Men Personality Quiz created with QuizFarm.com

Here I am again. Sitting in front of my laptop. Listening to my fav song, Collide. Typing away at the laptop. This has become a routine. You know, I guess I like this song so much cos I feel the words it speaks. Or rather it's a wish I have spelt out in a song?
I'm been enjoying myself, spending lots of money and going out with ppl. Something I admit I haven't been doing for a long time. I've been in the AS, stay at home, don't go out mode for a long time now. Glad I snapped out of it. But somehow I feel, at the end of the day, everything's the same. The same emotion I feel. The same emotion since as long as I rem. I wish things were different.
I guess I'm gonna bury myself in work in yr4. I guess the frenships I've made will come undone as the sem, yr passes. Such has been the case a few times already.
I think I thrive on melancholy. It can get you down but it can make life...interesting (?). Maybe it's in my nature. Maybe it's deeply ingrained in myself. But I don't see it as a bad thing. I find it hard to describe exactly what I am feeling now. I just hope God will patch it up.
To better, more productive and most importantly, Happy Days.

Catechism

I feel much better now. I felt lousy just now. I mean I think mass and dinner helped a lot and of cos the company I had. Thank you Ed n Alan. THank you for being my frens and sharing a gd meal and hanging out.
I don't know why but I always get this feeling. More so after confirmation camp when I'm (maybe) a little too chummy with my cat class kids. They sit on your head. It's like Sud and Dion were just talking as if they were in their own world and I didnt exist. Sigh. I like them but this is too much. I know I haven't been spending much time planning lessons but the fact remains that EVERY week I try to come out with something tt is all fun, educational, religious at the same time. So this week it was some crossword puzzle thingy which I kinda treated as a test but it was something different and I'm sure they'll learn at least something from that. But things don't always go as planned. The get to know each other session (which I felt was needed) also didnt go as well as expected. My first outburst at the class. Sigh.
DUring mass, I considered seriously whether I should resign. I choose the word resign instead of quit becos I feel that it's more appropriate. I've given it thought. I'm thinking of stepping down cos I feel that I'm not of much use anymore rather than me feeling sianz and tired. Actually I do feel tired and sianz but I feel it's cos I feel that I'm not doing much.
I'm not gonna quit just like this though. I will at the very least see this batch thru as I did last yr. One step at a time, and hopefully by the end of the yr, I'll know what I shd do.

Dilemma / NKF

Been thinking about how I am gonna spend the last yr of my academic life. I would like to maximise it and all but I think tt I'm much more likely to end up studying like mad. I guess that's the prob when your cap is on a boundary and doing badly in one sem can kinda bring u down one class of honours. As some of my frens agreed, I'll prob MUG. What a way to go.

Been reading about the NKF saga in the newspaper and I must say that I'm totally disgusted with the CEO. First, he smacks of such pompous arrogance that you can hardly believe he's in charge of an organization that depends on the kindness of public donations. Second, he's a liar as reflected in the things that he mentioned about flying first-class and about how long NKF's reserves can last etc. A manipulator could be a synonym to describe him.
I mean how can an organization that relies on public trust mis-use the funds as such? Can you justify using donations to maintain your damn Merc, give yourself a big fat salary and fly first-class? I think it's ridiculous! There are so many other charities out there that need the funds and here we have NKF using public money for their luxury? GOLD TAP?!? I'm just totally disgusted lah. WTF!

Changing...judging

there was something about myself that I liked and that was not being easily influenced by what others said. In that sense, I was independent of others' opinions and stuff. It served me well mainly in the area of judging ppl. Even though I learnt tt someone has this reputation for being such and such, I wouldn't allow it to colour my perception of that person. I was always tell myself to give the person the benefit of the doubt and to let my personal experiences with that person determine if he/she's a good person etc.
What I learnt recently is that my opinions of certain ppl have become influenced by what some gd frens of mine said to me. I don't know why but my actions end up being mediated (for lack of a better word) and I end up pre-judging these ppl. Even if these ppl have been frens for some time. Sigh. It's difficult expressing my feeling without being specific. I just want me to be what I was in this aspect. Give others a chance. Don't judge them. Don't do what you don't like others doing.

Friendster Surprise

heyhey...I don't know about you guys but Friendster is about the best voyuering tool ard to check up on someone cute ;) k but right, this guy added me recently and totally stunned me. His name is Nick Netto and he requested me to add him cos he realised we have the same name. The best part is that he's Singaporean too and NOT a relative. heh. wow...

Sick / Band of Brothers

I'm feeling sick. Had a fever which went up to 39+ on fri when I went to see the doc. Sat was better in the sense the fever subsided but my whole body was aching. Today, things turned for the worse and I have this terrible flu despite taking flu tablets? heh and I can't seem to do anything. Sigh. I hate this helpless feeling. Haven't felt it in a while.
I want to help out for FOC f/u
I want to start thinking/researching for my thesis
I need to rest first

Anyway, I caught the entire series of Band of Brothers and it got me thinking about myself, my army days, the things I did and all. Basically, it was a really touching series lah. I think that I won't be able to cope with what they did. The conditions, the stress, the sacrifices etc. If there's one thing i feel that the army was good at was its ability to reveal one's inner most self. The self that you can't fake cos after fatigue and all the shit that is thrown at you, you just can't put up a mask anymore. As the words used in the book, Airframe said: When the shit hits the fan, you've to perform. I rem the worst week in my NSF life, "hell-week". I rem the shit I put my buddy into. K just to clear the air, I don't purposedly get MCs n stuff but when the shit hits the fan, I don't really perform either. heh. I kinda get emotional n all. heh. oh well...I think that my army frens wouldnt be able to recognise me now. AND i hope that if i were put into the same situation again, I'll handle it differently. I hope.

Anyway, I'm too tired to type anymore. Just wanna say Good Health to all.

My Holiday has ENDED

I had about 1.5 weeks of rest. Well, last week I kinda breezed thru cos I had this surreal feeling - The post-camps (not cramps) withdrawal period (no pun intended). Today, a rude shock awaited - Social Work Honours Briefing: The end of my hols.

Here's my time-table for next sem (excluding one Cross-fac):

SW4101 - Advanced Family-centered Social Work Practice
Tues 9-12noon AS6/0209
SW4102 - Advanced Social Policy and Planning
Fri 4-7pm AS6/0209
SW4103 - Advanced Research and Evaluation
Wed 9-12noon AS6/0209

Man, so far it looks like I was be missing Fri mass!! arg! also notice the fact that I was be taking the 3 mods with the same ppl in the same venue! haha...

k the part that is stressing me out is the Honours Thesis. I just realised that instead of slacking I would have to think about a topic, research on the material, find a sup who's willing to 'adopt' me and finalise everything in a month's time. Man...my heart was racing n pounding with fear and excitment. But the problem is I don't have a topic! Will keep Prof Ngiam's words in mind; I guess I'll have to balance ambition with being realistic.

Anyway, I think I just wasn't psychologically prepared to start work so soon lah. Oh well, yr4 here I come.

Anger

I think that is what really keeps me from getting closer to God.

"I'm not like you Keenan"

This line keeps playing in my head. An incident that happened. The anger manifested itself in words (chinese) and deed. The anger dissipitated almost immediately to be replaced by shame. Acute shame. 6 others saw it, only 2 were not shocked cos they've seen this side of me before. I really hate this side of me and I want to change but don't you realise that it's not that I want to react this way or like it even. I try. I really do. I wish I were more like Keenan.

Supper was good. I like going for supper. More than the food, oftentimes it's the company that really makes the difference. Thank you Wayne for being that company.

I like sitting on the blue bench below my flat. One of the few times that I'm sober sitting there. Thinking. Reflecting. Wondering. Pondering. I like that blue bench. It helps me think clearer when my mind's in a mess. Thank you blue bench.

Food Diary

All patients with eating disorders are encouraged to write in a food diary. This is mine for my binge eating disorder:

Breakfast - Mee Rebus, 1 teh
Had this meal at some Treetop place except that it was the wrong place and we got ripped off RM10 for the can ride. I was cool about it though.

Lunch - KFC Zinger Meal for about RM6?

Snack - Macs Strawberry Milk: Fantastic!! And the best part was the cashier was so friendly! Plus he gave me a 15 sen discount! oh man...

Snack - James got us some Bak Kwa!

All the above food items purchased from Holiday Plaza :)

Snacks - Chicken Nuggest and Pepsi Float from Marry Brown; Crispy Popiah; 2 big Dunkin' Dounghnuts :D [Angsana Plaza]

Dinner [Danga Bay] - Coconut, Nasi Goreng Ayam, Satay, Ramly Burger (beef), Vanilla Coke.

All in all, it has been a great day at JB with the abengs: MarkG, Darryl, Ed, Clemence, Karen, Felicia & James :) Thanks for inviting me and making me feel so comfortable. heh. Maybe now we'll have a KFC session next week? ;) Hope to put up some of the pics we took.

I wanna shop man...anyone wanna go Bangkok? thinking of going there man...heh

Nitez....

CSS FOC '05 & Concamp '05

It's been an exhausting 7 days and I want to share my experiences, the lows and the highs. I just hope that I can rem it all.

Monday: Day started a little later cos I had to go Bras Basar to buy material for the concamp sessions so met Ed there and he being the nice guy that he is, treated me to lunch at Jack's Place. What a way to start the week! Then we had a nice chat and all there before moving up to buy the stuff and then get a cab to sch. Things started off slowly. I was apprehensive as I wasnt sure I was going to enjoy FOC esp since it would be the second yr in a row that I was doing background work and the fear of not feeling the sense of belonging overwhelmed me again. However, as it would turn out, I was needed as a facil and though I wasnt really psyched up or prepared for it I decided to take up the challenge. That night was the worst cos I could not sleep though I was in bed since 2am. Kept tossing and turning around and changed so many positions that I think I kinda outdid the karmasutra but I only managed to fall asleep at 5am. 2 hrs of sleep to start the day the freshies arrived.

Tues, Wed & Thurs: Can't rem much just that had to be thick-skinned and suan the engineers to entertain everyone. Our group was called Tau cos of the Franciscan Tau cross but thanks to me (Secret Agent Yan)...the group name was mis-spelt as Tao...so that I could be called Yan Tao! :p we played lots of games over the days and shared during sessions. I felt that the time bet stations at night games was a little awkward but things got better over the days.
Wanna say a BIG thank you to Jeff, Ed, Alan & Wayne for helping me to cut out the cardboard shapes on wed night for my concamp session. It was a really tedious and time-consuming task. Thank God for sending me these angels :D
What I rem feeling during those few days was the overwhelming burden that was getting heavier and heavier as I found out more bad news, most of which I could do nothing about as I was stuck at NUS. Was getting more and more disheartened. Luckily, God always sends us angels to help us. My wonderful Tau group of [Facils] Hannah, Jacob, Kitty, Justin, [Senior] Mari, Audrey, Alexis, Wayne, [Freshies] Teresa, Cheryl, Albert, Marcus, Lionel & Druce. My wonderful neighbour Jon and all those who dropped by my room, talked to, or even smsed from home (Carol)...really appreciate all of you guys!
Can still rem a bit of thurs: we had the games at West Coast park which was quite fun and hung out at Macs after that. Rem taking the pink ballon for Jacob which he was quite embarrassed about. Hannah eventually used it for Bernard (haha the expression on his face was priceless)! I loved the LOM session. Felt that it was the best session that I've ever attended. It was well prepared, well executed and managed to keep our hearts too. I felt the sharing was also very deep and honest esp coming from the freshies. The acting of Paul, Keenan & Justin was just sublime and tear-jerking. Wonderful job guys; totally awed! Just want to share a little from the passage that I like:

"God beholds you individually whoever you are...He sees you and understands you as He made you...He knows what is in you, all your own perculiar feelings and thoughts, your dispositions and likings, your strength and your weaknesses...He interests Himself in all your anxieties and remembrances, all the rising and fallings of your spirit. You do not love yourself better than He loves you...you cannot shrink from pain more than He dislikes you bearing it; and if He puts it on you, it is as you would put it in yourself, if you are wise, for a greater good afterwards"
- Cardinal John Henry Newman Parochial & Plain Sermons Vol III No. 9

Sorry guys, I kinda shortened it cos I'm too lazy to type but basically it shows how much knows us through and through, loves us and that a greater good will come out of our suffering.

I liked the mini p&w esp the first song "Here I am to worship" which already caused me to tear. Spent some time reflecting before deciding to go for praying over and though Am was one of those praying over me, I decided that it was time to be open and let the spirit work. I'm grateful for all the ppl involved and hope that I will continue in this healing process. Recon was good and I had a gd conversation with this Indo priest whose name I still don't know. :) clean sheet of paper. Anyway, thurs night was horrible. There was so much to do and I had to skip the skit prep with Tau. I walked over to Arts to draw money cos I realised that I had spent all my money! and I needed to pay for camp & return jon. Then from arts I walked over to Fong Seng to buy stuff for my angel & mortal, as well as to attempt to find satay sticks or something else to use for my session. I couldnt find anything suitable. Went back to my room and started work. Wrote warm fuzzies for my 6 freshies & angel + mortal. Then started cutting out the remaining cardboard and then thought about what to plan for the session. I was dead tired and couldnt wake up in time the next day. It was Fri and I had not prep the sessions I was supposed to (at least the second one). I was scared. We couldnt get a cab and I kinda hung up on the telephone operator. Fortunately, Nan was around to save the day and he gave Ed n myself a lift to FMM along Holland Road. I was feeling tired, scared & apprehensive: will things work out right? Ed did the most sensible thing: "Nick shall we pray?" And pray we did. For He gives us strength beyond us.
Session 1 was on Self Awareness and I kinda adopted it from a common CSS activity which I had done 3 times in as many yrs. The kids loved it and it went according to plan. Everyone spent so much more time decorating the outside than on the inside (which was supposed to contain their loved ones, those they value, their principles etc). The look on the faces of all the teens after revealing to them that "it was the inside that mattered, not the outside" really made my day.
Session 2 was on Forgiveness and kudos to Wayne who shared with me the idea. I made this board which had the word Self written on it and pasted onto this styrofoam board. Previously, I had been trying to find darts for the teens to throw at it but in the end I had to make do with a big scissors which actually turned out much better than I had anticipated. I got volunteers to come forward (after some sharing questions) to stab the "self" as hard as they can for a Sin that they rem committing. Up stepped forward a few macho guys who really gave it a go and stabbed through the cardboard. The girls didnt want to be outdone and Maureen stabbed quite a few times too! Then the revelation: I cited a few passages from the bible on how we are many parts of One body in Christ and how all our actions affect those in our community and as I peeled away the "self" layer, I revealed the holes in the community layer and showed then how they have "stabbed" those in the community as well. Eventually I revealed a picture of Jesus in the next layer, also with the many holes on it. "Many times when we sin, we don't see how it impacts others, but it does. And though we don't see it, we hurt Jesus too". Then I went on to talk about confession and how when we go for confession, it's not merely the patching up of holes but rather, it's the receiving of a "clean sheet of paper". We start afresh. Praise be to God. The sessions went well and were quite well received. I really couldnt have done it without Him :)
On a side point, I enjoyed playing soccer with the catechist too. Some of them are really good - Br Robert, Peter & Chris! I think we should form a team soon!
Another thing about the camp is about how close it has brought me to others. My sis is one of them - she would find me whenever she had some problem or needed some help and I like this openness. Some of my classmates - Cheryl & Cherlyn - would find me whenever they see me alone and we would chat. Really got to know them better this camp and even others like Fabiola, Averil, Darry, Sudi, Dion etc. Really love these guys :D
Another session that I enjoyed and felt was good was Ed's "Blocks to Love". The moment Ed started his testimony, I started to tear (thank goodness for the dark room). I was getting emotional and it was all being suppressed. Led my first praying over for my Matthew group that night too and I was kinda glad that the teens were being open. Only one of them didnt want to be prayed over. Anyway, I talked to him in private later and realised the extend to which he was being hurt and the burden of which he was carrying on his shoulder. I really felt like crying then, I felt like holding him close to me and just telling Him that God loves him. I listened to him. I just felt upset and sad that someone had to experience that kind of hurt. The kind of hurt that tears you up on the inside and eats at you. I will pray for him everyday in my life that his prayers are answered. I pray for that stone wall to come crumbling down, and for a heart to melt. I pray for him to experience love, the love that he deserves, that all of us deserve and I pray that God will help him experience the best kind of Love.
Last night was interesting. I became a runner. Someone needed stomach ache medicine, someone needed pink panadol, someone needed to talk, some others needed a quieter place to sleep. I like doing it all for the teens. I don't mind - I love them you see. It was a difficult night: I needed to write notes to those teens in my group, letters to those teens whose parents did not bother doing so, and last but not least to my sis. I took a long time to get started and almost gave up but managed to finish it all by 4am. By which time, almost everyone was asleep.
H.E.L.P. letter Session: We (catechists) were kinda disappointed initially cos some parents had told their children about it and they were spreading it during the camp. But the spirit has His own way of working. Seeing all of my teens (esp my sis) in such a state was really too much for me to take and when I too broke down, it was then that I knew all the sacrifices, the frustrations, the work - it was all worth it.
Last session that I would play a part in - the Sum-up. Dan and I decided to act it out. His part was much more difficult cos he had to be the one 'educating' me. We added in all the points while entertaining the teens with my bhb-ness. :p My sis told me that she enjoyed that session and we hope that it drummed home the message: To Know, Love and Serve Him. It was great working with Dan. Though the whole team had our fair share of disagreements, it worked out in the end cos we all looked to God for guidance. I will end off this entry with what Bridget wrote for me in the bookmark she gave me: And on the 7th Day He gave you rest :)

ME

its very heartening to see u happy u know.....cos u're always worried or sian abt stuff.
Those were the words of my fren to me on msn jus now. It just struck me. Not that it's surprising but... Another fren says that if someone didnt know me and read my blog, I would be mistaken for a depressed person. hmmm...
Actually there is truth in that. I don't get happy easily nowadays but I still am a simple person who is contented with little. I find pleasure in small things but I guess when I blog or share stuff with frens, it tends to be the more depressing thoughts? But I am happy and grateful for many things in my life!
For FOC Outreach!!
For my results!!
For my Family, Friends!!
For giving me a chance to serve Him.

There're so many things to do and I can feel the stress lingering but I still have this belief that I will do it. I will accomplish it all. Cos I know that He gives me strength when I do His work.

Anyway, I don't want to be knowns as a dark person who showed little joy. So I guess I should share happy things/times too ya? Will do more of that...for now...FOC 2005 & Confirmation Camp 2005...here I come!

5 ppl you meet in heaven

I have heard of the book b4 but never read it. I watched the movie jus now on Channel 17. A wonderful movie. Been some time since I cried. Here are some lines I like:

"Strangers are only family you've not yet met"

sacrifices: "people only see what they have lost and not what others have gained"

"hatred is a curved sword - you not only hurt others, you hurt yourself"

It's really touching and sad. But the most amazing thing that happened was when during on of the last scenes I started tearing, I turned to check if my dad had seen me tearing but instead I realised that he was tearing as well and I smiled to myself for that was the first time in my life I have seen him tear (or at least the only time I rem). I used to think that my emotional side came from my mum. I'm not too sure now. :p

the calm before the storm

you know how there is this peace and quiet just before the peak of the storm...like you are at the eye of the tornado or something. That's what I feel right now. There's just so much to do and so little time. In slightly over a week, time is gonna drag by and might even be felt to be inconsequential what I do with it, but for now, for this week till the 19th of June, it's one mad hectic pace.
You know how you start off feeling so passionate and inspired about something only to lose steam and momentum as you stumble towards the finishing line. I guess it best fits my commitment to FOC Publicity and ConCamp. Thankfully, I have the ppl in it to make it easier to bear. I guess for me the outreach experience has taught me independence. I've learnt to rely on myself and do things on my own. More importantly, it has also taught me providence. You only have to do your best and He will provide the rest. So many times we were short of ppl and then God provided like 6-8 ppl when at first there were 2. :) Last but not least, it has taught me never to think that....somehow I don't know how to phrase it...put it into words. It's like you feel lazy and you think that it's ok if you skip the earliest mass (I mean who in hell goes for the earliest mass) but I still go down anyway and I get a name to signup. I guess every little gesture/action counts and if you choose not to do it, I guess you will never really know how it might have affect or influenced others in their own little ways. I guess what I can say about outreach is that I gave it my all, definitely not out of convenience and though I did not hit the personal objective of surpassing MarkG's total signups last yr, I guess I will accept what we have. A BIG THANK YOU to all those who helped make FOC Outreach 2005 such a wonderful success. It would never have been possible w/o every single one of you who so selflessly gave of your time and of yourself. Let's hope most of the signups come for our FOC. :)

On a VERY good note, I was pleased when I realised that I could get back all my old posts in my private blog which had been taken offline some time back as the server for that blog was down. So spent some time reading thru the last few entries (the latest was New Yr's this yr) and felt happy. But now I have a problem. I have two private blogs and I doubt there is a way to combine the two. Man.

Want to end off by thanking God for my results this sem, though it's only 3 mods, I'm VERY VERY grateful for what He has given me. PTL.

And so here we go, a week of activity.

Glad (but tired)

Just came back home not too long ago. quite a satisfying day though I'm dead-beat. Had confirmation camp meeting at Raffles Place mrt and it went well, esp since Ed treated us to Kayatoast & Teh~, then we went for lunch and ate Chicken Rice which was damn gd b4 Dan chia~ me teh-c ice blended. heh.
went down to sch but was super early but managed to settle some confirmation camp stuff...many thanks to Alan who stayed back to help me! :)
then went for the social work thank-you dinner thingy. It was nice and small; we had a little buffet thingy and we ate, talked n mingled in the conference room. I really love these ppl man. Kinda reinforces my decision to cross over to the bright side! ;) (sorry psych ppl) I can say for sure the fellowship that we enjoy in the social work dept cannot be found in any other faculty or major in arts.
Anyway, managed to talk to CG who is doing his placement at IMH under my sup. Appears that the situation is damn jialat this time round man n they even had a trashing out session where one girl actually broke down and cried. Tt's the prob with MH n Vin lah...I feel that their intentions are gd and that at the end we learn a lot but the means they use to reach tt ends isn't exactly what I would call ideal. I rem that it took me close to the end of placement before I finally lost it and gave them a piece of my mind. I lasted a few weeks more than them. I hope things get better for them man. I wonder how I managed to get thru those 400 hrs unscathed.
Anyway, the most interesting part of the evening came when Prof Ngiam the Head of the Social Work dept offered to bring us to his country club so that we can play pool. We ended up teaching him how to play and eventually CY n myself won 3-2 againist Prof Ngiam and Far. heh and we didnt give chance ok! you know I love pool lah but I just suck at it and to go with the lack of skill, I have no luck either.
Oh well, really tired now. gonna zzZZ soon...
thank you God for all these. just help me through all my commitments and I will spend more time with You.

The Beach

how apt a post for this blog ya? ;) and no, I'm not talking about the dog.

In the movie, these group of people believe they have found paradise but what lies beneath this immaculate beach with powder-white sand and crystal clear waters is the attempt to sweep any unhappiness under the rug as is evident when Christo who had been attacked by a shark was left alone in the forest to fend for himself. "it was too much for everyone to take" and "out of sight, out of mind" were some of the disturbing lines that encapsulated the facade behind "paradise". Only Essesien (spelling?) even bothered to voice it out but eventually gave in to the group norm. Can a utopia exist on this earth? I doubt it. The peace, tranquility and beauty of people and places are but facades which reveal its true repulsive center only when its interiors are peeled away layer by layer. It's just how long you take to discover it. And when you do, whether you're gonna choose to ignore it to maintain your "utopia" or whether you choose to accept that utopia does not exist. Not in this world at least.