My Holiday has ENDED

I had about 1.5 weeks of rest. Well, last week I kinda breezed thru cos I had this surreal feeling - The post-camps (not cramps) withdrawal period (no pun intended). Today, a rude shock awaited - Social Work Honours Briefing: The end of my hols.

Here's my time-table for next sem (excluding one Cross-fac):

SW4101 - Advanced Family-centered Social Work Practice
Tues 9-12noon AS6/0209
SW4102 - Advanced Social Policy and Planning
Fri 4-7pm AS6/0209
SW4103 - Advanced Research and Evaluation
Wed 9-12noon AS6/0209

Man, so far it looks like I was be missing Fri mass!! arg! also notice the fact that I was be taking the 3 mods with the same ppl in the same venue! haha...

k the part that is stressing me out is the Honours Thesis. I just realised that instead of slacking I would have to think about a topic, research on the material, find a sup who's willing to 'adopt' me and finalise everything in a month's time. Man...my heart was racing n pounding with fear and excitment. But the problem is I don't have a topic! Will keep Prof Ngiam's words in mind; I guess I'll have to balance ambition with being realistic.

Anyway, I think I just wasn't psychologically prepared to start work so soon lah. Oh well, yr4 here I come.

Anger

I think that is what really keeps me from getting closer to God.

"I'm not like you Keenan"

This line keeps playing in my head. An incident that happened. The anger manifested itself in words (chinese) and deed. The anger dissipitated almost immediately to be replaced by shame. Acute shame. 6 others saw it, only 2 were not shocked cos they've seen this side of me before. I really hate this side of me and I want to change but don't you realise that it's not that I want to react this way or like it even. I try. I really do. I wish I were more like Keenan.

Supper was good. I like going for supper. More than the food, oftentimes it's the company that really makes the difference. Thank you Wayne for being that company.

I like sitting on the blue bench below my flat. One of the few times that I'm sober sitting there. Thinking. Reflecting. Wondering. Pondering. I like that blue bench. It helps me think clearer when my mind's in a mess. Thank you blue bench.

Food Diary

All patients with eating disorders are encouraged to write in a food diary. This is mine for my binge eating disorder:

Breakfast - Mee Rebus, 1 teh
Had this meal at some Treetop place except that it was the wrong place and we got ripped off RM10 for the can ride. I was cool about it though.

Lunch - KFC Zinger Meal for about RM6?

Snack - Macs Strawberry Milk: Fantastic!! And the best part was the cashier was so friendly! Plus he gave me a 15 sen discount! oh man...

Snack - James got us some Bak Kwa!

All the above food items purchased from Holiday Plaza :)

Snacks - Chicken Nuggest and Pepsi Float from Marry Brown; Crispy Popiah; 2 big Dunkin' Dounghnuts :D [Angsana Plaza]

Dinner [Danga Bay] - Coconut, Nasi Goreng Ayam, Satay, Ramly Burger (beef), Vanilla Coke.

All in all, it has been a great day at JB with the abengs: MarkG, Darryl, Ed, Clemence, Karen, Felicia & James :) Thanks for inviting me and making me feel so comfortable. heh. Maybe now we'll have a KFC session next week? ;) Hope to put up some of the pics we took.

I wanna shop man...anyone wanna go Bangkok? thinking of going there man...heh

Nitez....

CSS FOC '05 & Concamp '05

It's been an exhausting 7 days and I want to share my experiences, the lows and the highs. I just hope that I can rem it all.

Monday: Day started a little later cos I had to go Bras Basar to buy material for the concamp sessions so met Ed there and he being the nice guy that he is, treated me to lunch at Jack's Place. What a way to start the week! Then we had a nice chat and all there before moving up to buy the stuff and then get a cab to sch. Things started off slowly. I was apprehensive as I wasnt sure I was going to enjoy FOC esp since it would be the second yr in a row that I was doing background work and the fear of not feeling the sense of belonging overwhelmed me again. However, as it would turn out, I was needed as a facil and though I wasnt really psyched up or prepared for it I decided to take up the challenge. That night was the worst cos I could not sleep though I was in bed since 2am. Kept tossing and turning around and changed so many positions that I think I kinda outdid the karmasutra but I only managed to fall asleep at 5am. 2 hrs of sleep to start the day the freshies arrived.

Tues, Wed & Thurs: Can't rem much just that had to be thick-skinned and suan the engineers to entertain everyone. Our group was called Tau cos of the Franciscan Tau cross but thanks to me (Secret Agent Yan)...the group name was mis-spelt as Tao...so that I could be called Yan Tao! :p we played lots of games over the days and shared during sessions. I felt that the time bet stations at night games was a little awkward but things got better over the days.
Wanna say a BIG thank you to Jeff, Ed, Alan & Wayne for helping me to cut out the cardboard shapes on wed night for my concamp session. It was a really tedious and time-consuming task. Thank God for sending me these angels :D
What I rem feeling during those few days was the overwhelming burden that was getting heavier and heavier as I found out more bad news, most of which I could do nothing about as I was stuck at NUS. Was getting more and more disheartened. Luckily, God always sends us angels to help us. My wonderful Tau group of [Facils] Hannah, Jacob, Kitty, Justin, [Senior] Mari, Audrey, Alexis, Wayne, [Freshies] Teresa, Cheryl, Albert, Marcus, Lionel & Druce. My wonderful neighbour Jon and all those who dropped by my room, talked to, or even smsed from home (Carol)...really appreciate all of you guys!
Can still rem a bit of thurs: we had the games at West Coast park which was quite fun and hung out at Macs after that. Rem taking the pink ballon for Jacob which he was quite embarrassed about. Hannah eventually used it for Bernard (haha the expression on his face was priceless)! I loved the LOM session. Felt that it was the best session that I've ever attended. It was well prepared, well executed and managed to keep our hearts too. I felt the sharing was also very deep and honest esp coming from the freshies. The acting of Paul, Keenan & Justin was just sublime and tear-jerking. Wonderful job guys; totally awed! Just want to share a little from the passage that I like:

"God beholds you individually whoever you are...He sees you and understands you as He made you...He knows what is in you, all your own perculiar feelings and thoughts, your dispositions and likings, your strength and your weaknesses...He interests Himself in all your anxieties and remembrances, all the rising and fallings of your spirit. You do not love yourself better than He loves you...you cannot shrink from pain more than He dislikes you bearing it; and if He puts it on you, it is as you would put it in yourself, if you are wise, for a greater good afterwards"
- Cardinal John Henry Newman Parochial & Plain Sermons Vol III No. 9

Sorry guys, I kinda shortened it cos I'm too lazy to type but basically it shows how much knows us through and through, loves us and that a greater good will come out of our suffering.

I liked the mini p&w esp the first song "Here I am to worship" which already caused me to tear. Spent some time reflecting before deciding to go for praying over and though Am was one of those praying over me, I decided that it was time to be open and let the spirit work. I'm grateful for all the ppl involved and hope that I will continue in this healing process. Recon was good and I had a gd conversation with this Indo priest whose name I still don't know. :) clean sheet of paper. Anyway, thurs night was horrible. There was so much to do and I had to skip the skit prep with Tau. I walked over to Arts to draw money cos I realised that I had spent all my money! and I needed to pay for camp & return jon. Then from arts I walked over to Fong Seng to buy stuff for my angel & mortal, as well as to attempt to find satay sticks or something else to use for my session. I couldnt find anything suitable. Went back to my room and started work. Wrote warm fuzzies for my 6 freshies & angel + mortal. Then started cutting out the remaining cardboard and then thought about what to plan for the session. I was dead tired and couldnt wake up in time the next day. It was Fri and I had not prep the sessions I was supposed to (at least the second one). I was scared. We couldnt get a cab and I kinda hung up on the telephone operator. Fortunately, Nan was around to save the day and he gave Ed n myself a lift to FMM along Holland Road. I was feeling tired, scared & apprehensive: will things work out right? Ed did the most sensible thing: "Nick shall we pray?" And pray we did. For He gives us strength beyond us.
Session 1 was on Self Awareness and I kinda adopted it from a common CSS activity which I had done 3 times in as many yrs. The kids loved it and it went according to plan. Everyone spent so much more time decorating the outside than on the inside (which was supposed to contain their loved ones, those they value, their principles etc). The look on the faces of all the teens after revealing to them that "it was the inside that mattered, not the outside" really made my day.
Session 2 was on Forgiveness and kudos to Wayne who shared with me the idea. I made this board which had the word Self written on it and pasted onto this styrofoam board. Previously, I had been trying to find darts for the teens to throw at it but in the end I had to make do with a big scissors which actually turned out much better than I had anticipated. I got volunteers to come forward (after some sharing questions) to stab the "self" as hard as they can for a Sin that they rem committing. Up stepped forward a few macho guys who really gave it a go and stabbed through the cardboard. The girls didnt want to be outdone and Maureen stabbed quite a few times too! Then the revelation: I cited a few passages from the bible on how we are many parts of One body in Christ and how all our actions affect those in our community and as I peeled away the "self" layer, I revealed the holes in the community layer and showed then how they have "stabbed" those in the community as well. Eventually I revealed a picture of Jesus in the next layer, also with the many holes on it. "Many times when we sin, we don't see how it impacts others, but it does. And though we don't see it, we hurt Jesus too". Then I went on to talk about confession and how when we go for confession, it's not merely the patching up of holes but rather, it's the receiving of a "clean sheet of paper". We start afresh. Praise be to God. The sessions went well and were quite well received. I really couldnt have done it without Him :)
On a side point, I enjoyed playing soccer with the catechist too. Some of them are really good - Br Robert, Peter & Chris! I think we should form a team soon!
Another thing about the camp is about how close it has brought me to others. My sis is one of them - she would find me whenever she had some problem or needed some help and I like this openness. Some of my classmates - Cheryl & Cherlyn - would find me whenever they see me alone and we would chat. Really got to know them better this camp and even others like Fabiola, Averil, Darry, Sudi, Dion etc. Really love these guys :D
Another session that I enjoyed and felt was good was Ed's "Blocks to Love". The moment Ed started his testimony, I started to tear (thank goodness for the dark room). I was getting emotional and it was all being suppressed. Led my first praying over for my Matthew group that night too and I was kinda glad that the teens were being open. Only one of them didnt want to be prayed over. Anyway, I talked to him in private later and realised the extend to which he was being hurt and the burden of which he was carrying on his shoulder. I really felt like crying then, I felt like holding him close to me and just telling Him that God loves him. I listened to him. I just felt upset and sad that someone had to experience that kind of hurt. The kind of hurt that tears you up on the inside and eats at you. I will pray for him everyday in my life that his prayers are answered. I pray for that stone wall to come crumbling down, and for a heart to melt. I pray for him to experience love, the love that he deserves, that all of us deserve and I pray that God will help him experience the best kind of Love.
Last night was interesting. I became a runner. Someone needed stomach ache medicine, someone needed pink panadol, someone needed to talk, some others needed a quieter place to sleep. I like doing it all for the teens. I don't mind - I love them you see. It was a difficult night: I needed to write notes to those teens in my group, letters to those teens whose parents did not bother doing so, and last but not least to my sis. I took a long time to get started and almost gave up but managed to finish it all by 4am. By which time, almost everyone was asleep.
H.E.L.P. letter Session: We (catechists) were kinda disappointed initially cos some parents had told their children about it and they were spreading it during the camp. But the spirit has His own way of working. Seeing all of my teens (esp my sis) in such a state was really too much for me to take and when I too broke down, it was then that I knew all the sacrifices, the frustrations, the work - it was all worth it.
Last session that I would play a part in - the Sum-up. Dan and I decided to act it out. His part was much more difficult cos he had to be the one 'educating' me. We added in all the points while entertaining the teens with my bhb-ness. :p My sis told me that she enjoyed that session and we hope that it drummed home the message: To Know, Love and Serve Him. It was great working with Dan. Though the whole team had our fair share of disagreements, it worked out in the end cos we all looked to God for guidance. I will end off this entry with what Bridget wrote for me in the bookmark she gave me: And on the 7th Day He gave you rest :)

ME

its very heartening to see u happy u know.....cos u're always worried or sian abt stuff.
Those were the words of my fren to me on msn jus now. It just struck me. Not that it's surprising but... Another fren says that if someone didnt know me and read my blog, I would be mistaken for a depressed person. hmmm...
Actually there is truth in that. I don't get happy easily nowadays but I still am a simple person who is contented with little. I find pleasure in small things but I guess when I blog or share stuff with frens, it tends to be the more depressing thoughts? But I am happy and grateful for many things in my life!
For FOC Outreach!!
For my results!!
For my Family, Friends!!
For giving me a chance to serve Him.

There're so many things to do and I can feel the stress lingering but I still have this belief that I will do it. I will accomplish it all. Cos I know that He gives me strength when I do His work.

Anyway, I don't want to be knowns as a dark person who showed little joy. So I guess I should share happy things/times too ya? Will do more of that...for now...FOC 2005 & Confirmation Camp 2005...here I come!

5 ppl you meet in heaven

I have heard of the book b4 but never read it. I watched the movie jus now on Channel 17. A wonderful movie. Been some time since I cried. Here are some lines I like:

"Strangers are only family you've not yet met"

sacrifices: "people only see what they have lost and not what others have gained"

"hatred is a curved sword - you not only hurt others, you hurt yourself"

It's really touching and sad. But the most amazing thing that happened was when during on of the last scenes I started tearing, I turned to check if my dad had seen me tearing but instead I realised that he was tearing as well and I smiled to myself for that was the first time in my life I have seen him tear (or at least the only time I rem). I used to think that my emotional side came from my mum. I'm not too sure now. :p

the calm before the storm

you know how there is this peace and quiet just before the peak of the storm...like you are at the eye of the tornado or something. That's what I feel right now. There's just so much to do and so little time. In slightly over a week, time is gonna drag by and might even be felt to be inconsequential what I do with it, but for now, for this week till the 19th of June, it's one mad hectic pace.
You know how you start off feeling so passionate and inspired about something only to lose steam and momentum as you stumble towards the finishing line. I guess it best fits my commitment to FOC Publicity and ConCamp. Thankfully, I have the ppl in it to make it easier to bear. I guess for me the outreach experience has taught me independence. I've learnt to rely on myself and do things on my own. More importantly, it has also taught me providence. You only have to do your best and He will provide the rest. So many times we were short of ppl and then God provided like 6-8 ppl when at first there were 2. :) Last but not least, it has taught me never to think that....somehow I don't know how to phrase it...put it into words. It's like you feel lazy and you think that it's ok if you skip the earliest mass (I mean who in hell goes for the earliest mass) but I still go down anyway and I get a name to signup. I guess every little gesture/action counts and if you choose not to do it, I guess you will never really know how it might have affect or influenced others in their own little ways. I guess what I can say about outreach is that I gave it my all, definitely not out of convenience and though I did not hit the personal objective of surpassing MarkG's total signups last yr, I guess I will accept what we have. A BIG THANK YOU to all those who helped make FOC Outreach 2005 such a wonderful success. It would never have been possible w/o every single one of you who so selflessly gave of your time and of yourself. Let's hope most of the signups come for our FOC. :)

On a VERY good note, I was pleased when I realised that I could get back all my old posts in my private blog which had been taken offline some time back as the server for that blog was down. So spent some time reading thru the last few entries (the latest was New Yr's this yr) and felt happy. But now I have a problem. I have two private blogs and I doubt there is a way to combine the two. Man.

Want to end off by thanking God for my results this sem, though it's only 3 mods, I'm VERY VERY grateful for what He has given me. PTL.

And so here we go, a week of activity.

Glad (but tired)

Just came back home not too long ago. quite a satisfying day though I'm dead-beat. Had confirmation camp meeting at Raffles Place mrt and it went well, esp since Ed treated us to Kayatoast & Teh~, then we went for lunch and ate Chicken Rice which was damn gd b4 Dan chia~ me teh-c ice blended. heh.
went down to sch but was super early but managed to settle some confirmation camp stuff...many thanks to Alan who stayed back to help me! :)
then went for the social work thank-you dinner thingy. It was nice and small; we had a little buffet thingy and we ate, talked n mingled in the conference room. I really love these ppl man. Kinda reinforces my decision to cross over to the bright side! ;) (sorry psych ppl) I can say for sure the fellowship that we enjoy in the social work dept cannot be found in any other faculty or major in arts.
Anyway, managed to talk to CG who is doing his placement at IMH under my sup. Appears that the situation is damn jialat this time round man n they even had a trashing out session where one girl actually broke down and cried. Tt's the prob with MH n Vin lah...I feel that their intentions are gd and that at the end we learn a lot but the means they use to reach tt ends isn't exactly what I would call ideal. I rem that it took me close to the end of placement before I finally lost it and gave them a piece of my mind. I lasted a few weeks more than them. I hope things get better for them man. I wonder how I managed to get thru those 400 hrs unscathed.
Anyway, the most interesting part of the evening came when Prof Ngiam the Head of the Social Work dept offered to bring us to his country club so that we can play pool. We ended up teaching him how to play and eventually CY n myself won 3-2 againist Prof Ngiam and Far. heh and we didnt give chance ok! you know I love pool lah but I just suck at it and to go with the lack of skill, I have no luck either.
Oh well, really tired now. gonna zzZZ soon...
thank you God for all these. just help me through all my commitments and I will spend more time with You.

The Beach

how apt a post for this blog ya? ;) and no, I'm not talking about the dog.

In the movie, these group of people believe they have found paradise but what lies beneath this immaculate beach with powder-white sand and crystal clear waters is the attempt to sweep any unhappiness under the rug as is evident when Christo who had been attacked by a shark was left alone in the forest to fend for himself. "it was too much for everyone to take" and "out of sight, out of mind" were some of the disturbing lines that encapsulated the facade behind "paradise". Only Essesien (spelling?) even bothered to voice it out but eventually gave in to the group norm. Can a utopia exist on this earth? I doubt it. The peace, tranquility and beauty of people and places are but facades which reveal its true repulsive center only when its interiors are peeled away layer by layer. It's just how long you take to discover it. And when you do, whether you're gonna choose to ignore it to maintain your "utopia" or whether you choose to accept that utopia does not exist. Not in this world at least.

Busy & Tired

I guess these 2 adjectives would describe my week and how I've been.

There's good in it too of cos as always. It's a matter of whether you see it or not. Saturday was the worst. Woke up early to go to sch to help out with the social work booth for NUS open house. It was real fun. I guess having such wonderful & dynamic ppl in social work really helps. No offense but can really see the contrast between the psych ppl who were blatantly blocking us. No wonder come 1st July, the Department of Social Work would have become an independent department. :) But I guess having all us dynamic and vibrant social work students helps to make up for the lack of interest shown by the in-coming batch in social work. I mean this in relative terms, especially when compared to psych; psych automatically draws ppl in, we have to draw ppl to our booths. Anyway, it was fun and sharing my personal experience of social work, my placement, what sw means to me, future prospects etc is really fun. Even met this guy who knows my bro and is already certain that social work is what he wants to do. For the rest, I just hope I planted the seed, that they will at least take social work as an elective and as I did, learn to love it :)
Rushed to Church, then rushed to St Berns. Quite interesting church and as usu the ppl there are usu either too young (ie sec sch) or too old. Noticed something too. I noticed how this ang mo guy looked after his kids. He let his 3/4 yr old son (the older) play in the rain/drizzle and instead of pacifiying his younger child, he let it cry it out. The only prob is that it didnt stop crying! just realised how diff an Asian father would have handled the situation. Am pretty sure of that!
Sunday was also busy but I decided to leave early lah cos was starting to feel more n more sianz. So here I am. I hope to get more rest this week and tomolo will be time spent with Family :)
ciao~

"Dusty" & EPL heartbreak

Hey all,

as you guys already can see, our family just got a puppy. SHE is a Cocker Spaniel and for now she is called "Dusty". I know, I'm thinking twice about the name now but then we all just felt it really suited her! It's like she kinda looks dusty and she keeps exploring all the corners of the house which are dusty and gets real dusty in the process! Then when we put her in the box to sleep, she crept out and slept on the dusty fan instead. She looks kinda sad huh? Cos she was just separated from her mum today but don't worry she's better now. Began exploring and stuff and playing ard a little. But I'm gonna miss her when I go for my retreat from mon-wed man. :(

Anyway, tonight was the most exciting EPL night of the season! Relegation battles are always full of determination, grit followed by inevitable heartbreak and tears. Tonight was no exception but for the first time in EPL history, 3 teams were all relegated only on the last day. Norwich started the day with the advantage but it swung to Southamtom's side when they took the lead against Manyoo and Fulham scored. Then after Manyoo equalised Southamtom's lead hung by a thread. True to the drama expected of a night like this, Manyoo took the lead against the Saints and the Baggies (West Bromich) took the lead against Portsmouth. Then Crystal Palace who were losing against Charlton scored twice to steer ahead of the Baggies b4 Charlton equalised to condemn Crystal Palace to life in the 1st Division. Felt that the Saints had the hardest opponents whereas the Baggies had the easiest. Oh well, they'll live to fight another day. But for today, they should lift their heads up high for they gave a good fight (except Norwich ;)

Presenting the latest member of my family...

:) :) :)

work work work but I lift it up to You

I don't rem a single day that I have had time to spend for myself. Last few hols, I will always make time to spend with me mum but this hols I have yet to spend any time with her save for one short lunch. I've been busy, every min, every day. Not that I want to complain. A lot of it has its moments of joy. Hanging out with Jon n philosophical (though I admit sometimes irritating) greg has been fun & interesting. Been talking on the phone too and it's refreshing. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning to trust. I still bitch a lot though...about Church IC whom I feel are not committed. But of cos, there're some who impress me too. Running ard from Church to Church. From one activity of outreach to another of catechism. Class went rather better than expected today. Realise that you have to bring the enthusiasiam of the class. Cos was afraid tt the class wouldnt take too kindly to having to move ard church (1) blind, (2) without arms, or (3) on 1 leg. heh but they did anyway (well not all but at least they did the activity). The purpose was to show the need for community, to complement each other and to achieve more. Tt combined with Acts 2:38-47 & 1Corin12 (many parts, one body) hopefully did the job. Kinda bonded with them too. After tt had a great dinner with Alan, Ed, Carol & Jeff...great company. Just glad that we managed to talk about certain stuff too tt was bothering some of us. heh. anyway the work is tough, tiring and taxing but He gives us strength. Alleluia.

The Imperfect Me

I wanted to go sch early this morn to watch The Simpsons in the lib but couldn't wake up so went to sch just in time to meet Dr Ng. She's really very nice and doesn't heap all the work onto me (unlike some other lecturer). Anyway, there's a lot of work to be done but I spent most of the time since I came home doing it till now. Now it's mainly the filing and other paper work that has to be done. I'm a Editorial Assistant Extraordinaire!

Anyway, I'm a perfectionist. I hate it sometimes but I don't want ANYthing to go wrong and I hate it when people doing the same proj/activity/event as me cannot or is not willing to put in the amount of effort that I'm putting in. I expect 100% all the time otherwise f*** off! I know this is a problem and I want to change but I can't. Things must go well, if not at least show me (for myself esp) that you have done your best. Nothing less.

Anyway, maybe my perfectionist streak is a form of reaction-formation. I seriously think that it is very likely. There are so many things about myself that I want to change and so many others that I hate. I just feel so inadequate and and I'm not good enough to do this, achieve this, to be with this person (my fav phrase: pei bu shang), to be a good social worker/friend/family member...whatever. It just sickens me to the core to feel like this but I just do. No freaking amounts of As or successes in specific areas seem to be able to lift my S.E. HA!~ and to think that some ppl think that I'm confident and have a big ego. oh well. I think I have three layers. 1st layer: the confident and self-assured guy. Ppl (esp those who don't really know me in sw) get impressed and know me as the "smart guy". Those who know me much better see the 2nd layer: the anxious and perfectionist streak in me. They would include the CSS ppl and my sw proj grp mates etc. They know that I'm not perfect, they see my flaws and faults but they also know that I can be nice and that I can be fun & serious at diff times. The 3rd layer: the bastard in me, the emotional vulnerable me...the me that bleeds but cannot heal. The me that hates and plots vengence...the Me that I wish would just die but still remains. The me seldom people see.
I just feel imperfect. I know all of us are but some are more imperfect than others and tt's me.

Morality

Was talking to Jon today and now thoughts are swarming in my head.

Basically, the thing that struck n is stuck with me is if you do NOT commit evil because you do not want to go to hell or want to avoid wrong-doing, isn't it a selfish act. I feel that why we do not do evil acts is usually cos of our principles and values in which we have been socialised into from birth. Thus, in a sense it is not selfish cos tt's the way we have been taught. But then, the fundamental basis for these principles/values are to avoid wrong-doing and if you're Christian, to avoid eternal damnation. So isn't the very basis for this selfish?
An example to illustrate: If you were forced to either (1) choose 3 out of 10 ppl to be shot dead to survive 7 others, (2) refuse to choose any and allow all 10 to die, which would YOU choose? In this example, you cannot choose urself to be killed. By right, we should never condemn anyone to die so choice (1) seems to be the immoral answer. By choosing choice (2), we may be choosing the morally correct answer cos we are not choosing ppl to be put to death but is it becos we are selfish and do not want to end up responsible for the death of these 3 ppl? Is it becos you do not want the blood of these 3 human beings on your hands??

Anyway, is morality really absolute? Then why do have different views of what is right and wrong. Why are there exceptions to situations whereby euthanasia/abortion may seem to be justified...how can we justify these exceptions? I believe that the incongruence is due to the fact that we are unable to fully accept the moral absolutes. This incongruence thus leads us to think that there may be exceptions, therefore meaning morality is subjective whereas morality is in fact absolute. Sigh. I seem to be going in circles.

Enough of this for now. If I can get it out of my head.

A Little Respect

I tried to discover a little something to make me sweeter
Oh baby refrain from breaking my heart
I'm so in love with you
I'll be forever blue
That you give me no reason, you know you're making me work so hard
That you give me no . . . soul
I hear you calling
Oh baby please give a little respect to me.

And if i should falter, would you open your arms out to me?
We can make love not war, and live in peace with our hearts
I'm so in love with you, i'll be forever blue
What religion or reason could drive a man to forsake his lover?
Don't you tell me no. . . soul.
I hear you calling
Oh baby please, give a little respect to me.

I'm so in love with you
I'll be forever blue
That you give me no reason
You know you're making me work so hard
That you give me no. soul.
I hear you calling.
Oh baby, please give a little respect to me.
Oh baby, please give a little respect to me.

:(

I don't know whether you guys have noticed but I'm trying to keep a positive outlook esp on my blog and in my life in general. I don't want ppl to comment that my blog is depressing and ppl chancing upon it would probably think so. I agree with some of the readings I read, namely on the Psychology of Mind and Health Realisation, that it is up to YOU to determine whether you want to be happy or otherwise. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that you can just snap out of a bad/sad/depressed mood but I'm saying that at the end of the wallowing and dwelling, YOU have to make that decision to move on and make something different in your life.
Just this wed, I had dinner with Nan and we talked about a lot of stuff. While talking to him, I surprised even myself with my somewhat optimisitc and carefree orientation. I want to be like that. I like it that way.
Now, I'm struggling to shake off this pain inside of me! No, I doubt its my knee which started hurting during soccer (w/o any tackles or running - sigh). It's the heaviness I carry. Can't explain it. Can't stand it. I want it to go away. I want to plan for Cat Class but I'm just so distracted. I'm worried about outreach but I can't make it today. There's so many worries swimming, swarming my head but I can't let it go. My heaviness is dragging me down but I have to let it go. There are others who need the strong me. I need the strong me to function. God grant me my strong me. Lift away my heaviness, sadness, pain. Deliver me.

When I 1st learnt to drive

ML Course
Was thinking back to the time when I learnt to drive in the army. It was a rather stressful experience I must say. I went for the ML (military license) course where you learn to drive a 3-tonner in 5 weeks. I remember my instructor vividly. He's this chee-na, super sarcastic and irritating guy. He would scold me, slap my hands, and make exaggerated rocking gestures to simulate lousy driving. And mind you, he's a bloody civilian and not an army regular. But on thinking back, I have him to thank for many things. I rem that when we were at the driving circuit on the 1st day, I was eager to start driving and experimenting. Unfortunately, he brought me to a corner of the circuit and there I began my training. As others whizzed haphazardously past me, there I was stationary, practising "clutching in fast, releasing slowly" and the changing of gears without looking at it. I did this till my legs started aching, without any mileage covered. I rem being damn frustrated that day; everyone else was bragging about driving the damn rover and it seemed that only my details of 4 hadn't covered an inch. On retrospect, it held me in good stead cos I got my basics right and had good clutch control and could change gears without looking and all; I just had to focus on the road.
I rem a particular fri when I had a crap driving day when everything seemed to go wrong, I was getting incessant scoldings from Mr Ooi, and I couldnt do anything right. On the following monday however, I had a complete turn-around and you know you have really improved when ur instructor ask you, "you practiced illegally over the weekend right?" I rem I kept smiling to myself, not becos I was guilty but becos I KNEW that it was a compliment. One of the most daunting parts of the course was switching from a rover to a 3-tonner. I felt intimidated and really frightened. I mean it's like a freaking truck now, I could kill someone and amazingly, all the instructors claim it's the same as driving a rover and we didn't have to pass any test in order to start driving a 3-tonner. Oh well, I made that transition and ya I still feel quite scared driving the 3-tonner. Oh well.
Anyway, I took the test at Choa Chu Kang. I rem I was in the first detail and I kena this damn fierce-looking Indian Encik. Amazingly I passed the first time getting 10 points (12 is the failing mark) and from that point on, we were treated like kings in the course (cos not many passed the 1st time) and we would have nothing to do during afternoons cos they wanted to concentrate on the rest. So, 8th Dec 2000 marks the day I passed my driving.

V200 Course
I also had the privilege to learn how to drive the V200 in the army. It's supposed to be an amphibious vehicle though I'm pretty sure it'll sink. And rumour has it that the SAF got the V200s from the U.S. as part of some treaty for a puny $1 each, though each tyre costs like $7k to replace. How ingenious. Anyway, it was really scary driving the tank-on-wheels along the roads of Yishun but I must it was also very fun (when we were not driving) cos we went out in groups of 4/5 and each of us took a diff portion. Then whenever we drove past the pri schs right the kids will run beside the v200 and we'll wave to them and act macho. heh. I rem one particularly memorable drive where I was doing quite well and the Encik let me drive all the way from Khatib Camp to Lentor to Nanyang Poly and even managed to cover Sembawang Park. It was really fun and enjoyable. Rem the rough terrain obstacle courses too, didnt enjoy that as much. I'm gratefully for learning how to drive the V200 man and I love it so much more than the tonner. heh.

Driving in Camp
I think that was when my driving skills were at its peak cos we had to drive everyday in camp and there were certain sections that really helped us to improve. I was most proud of my clutch control cos I could control the vehicle on a slope using just the clutch without stepping on the brake or accelerator. Reversing is my worst skill! I kept practising but it still didn't improve much and I never really could floor the accelerator and reverse like some of the other midfielders. Even to this day, I never accelerate while driving outside. I shall not mention others things that we did in camp here. That's supper conversation material, not something I want on my blog. :p
Another thing I realised is that when I drove in the army, all my frustrations were let out there. I drove safely outside with my dad's car. Unfortunately, I now drive well...not as safely lah. This is something I have to work on lah. As with the most humji slogan ard, RSAF's Safety First, Always, I think I shd learn to drive more safely esp when others are in the car. heh.

Anyway it was just nice thinking back to all these driving memories. :)

Disclaimers

1. Please replace Kate & Leotard with Kate & Leopold. No more snipe comments pls! :p

2. The song from the previous blog is not "I'm in Heaven" but "Feels like heaven".

3. The addy who commented on my blog is different from addie who comments on my blog. Sorry!! :)

And last but NOT least, a piece of good news. I was added to msn! :D

1st Non-relative Wedding

Just came back from Ben & Regina's Wedding. Was a very nice laid-back affair. Very different from the ones I know when everything is being fussed about and you have to maintain a certain amount of decorum. The wedding mass was good though I felt that Fr Richards was a little...err...scary? Saying that there was "no guarantee the marriage would last"! Anyway mass had 2 of my fav hymns...will type them out at the end of the blog.
You guys must check this out: the shocking pink cab that the wedding couple traveled in. But I already had 2 comments about the Hello Kitty.


Anyway, we proceeded to Goodwood Park Hotel for lunch. It was a really simple affair but I enjoyed the company of Alan, Bridget, Debbie, Jacq & Vincent. It was really funny. I decided to imitate what medieval gentlemen did - I stood up whenever the ladies wanted to leave the table. Thanks a mill to Alan who pangseh me. Anyway I got the idea from Kate & Leotard which I got glimpses of last week? haha then Debbie tried testing me but I was too busy eating. Man, no wonder they don't do such things anymore! You have to pay attention to the ladies' movements, then stop eating everytime the ladies leave! haha...but it was rather fun! Anyway what do you call a medevial gentleman? a SNOG! Sensitive Old Age Guy. Tt's what bridget said anyway. Debbie and her learnt what SNAG means today.
Anyway, another lesson learnt: always UNDER-estimate a girl's age if you want to get off on the right footing with her. Muhahaha...I over-estimated Jacq's age by 5 yrs (no thanks to Alan lah!) and said she was 28! heh...
it was a good time spent chatting and getting to know each other (esp tt Vincent was a Franciscan Novice b4 he got married!). But all good things have to come to an end. But this blog and the memories remain.

My all time fav Hymn: Thank you Lord

Thank you Lord for the trials that come my way
In the way I can grow each day as I let you lead
Yes I thank you Lord, for the patience those trials bring
In the process of growing, I can learn to care

Refrain:
But it goes against the way I am
To put my human nature down
And let the spirit take control of all I do
Cause when those trials come my human nature
Shouts the things to do
And God's soft prompting can be easily ignored

But I thank you Lord, with each trial I feel inside
That you're there to lead and guide me away from wrong
'Cause you promised Lord that with every testing
That your way of escaping's easier to bear

Refrain

Final Ending:
Yes I thank you Lord for the vict'ry that growing brings
In surrender of everything, Life is so worthwhile
And I thank you Lord, that when everything's put in place
Out in front I can see your face
And it's there you belong

The hymn that reminds me of my 55th exco7:
Power of Your Love

Lord I come to You, let my heart be changed, renewed
Flowing from the grace that I found in You.
And Lord I've come to know the weaknesses I see in me
Will be stripped away by the power of Your Love.

Chorus:
Hold me close, let Your Love surround me.
Bring me near, draw me to Your side.
And as I wait I'll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You,
Your spirit leads me on, in the power of Your Love.

Lord unveil my eyes, let me see You face to face,
The knowledge of Your Love as You live in me
Lord renew my mind as Your will unfolds in my life
In living every day by the power of Your Love.

Chorus

1st cockroach and Bliss (separate)

1st cockroach in my house. It happened this morning when I was studying for SW3201. It flew in through my window and I was sitting beside the window! I backed off from the window. Ran to get the newspaper...came into the room...DAMN! not the Life section so I went to get the Classified. Came back. (I'm scared of cockroahces btw). It went towards my hi-fi! Fuck nO! I hit it once. It stopped moving! Success! I poked it and it started flying. Fuck! I hit it again. It stopped. I went to get Shieldtox and started spraying it. It started flying again! Arg! Then it went to the back of my Hi-fi. I started spraying. It came out and this time with only 5 legs made for the floor. I smashed it. Now it had only 3 legs! But it was still moving! arg! It was upside down and I left it die off.
Sigh. Couldn't study after tt. Was traumatised. It's the FIRST cockroach in my Sengkang flat. Sigh. I used to be SO happy tt there were no cockroahces in sengkang. Now there is one. When there is one, there is more lurking. Sigh.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm in heaven. Rem tt song? I kept smiling! Even during the exam which everyone said was difficult! The ball is no longer in my court. I have done what I can. Can only hope. But with hope comes vulnerability...vulnerability to get hurt and disappointed. I'm willing to take the risk this time though. There's nothing much to lose. There's no friendship to begin with (unlike the last time). The most I will feel is acute disappointment. Thank you God for this chance. I took it this time. :)

Now I know...

I had been asking myself this question since the beginning of the year when I found out that a few of the ppl in social work are like having issues and problems, depression and stuff. I asked myself: Can we as social workers be depressed and still serve our clientele? Wouldn't it affect our job, clients, etc.? Today, I talked to someone or rather she talked to me and it was during our conversation that I realised how much she understood what I was saying, that she could empathise cos when she said she has been there I knew she meant it. When she told me not to do this n that, I knew that it has worked for her. I thank God for her, talking to me for almost an hr, along the road outside KR.
A piece of advice for all those of you who don't know nuts about counseling. The last thing you should do is to advice! Don't refute what the person says also! Never!
I won't do well for counseling. 2 questions 2 fucked up answers. I don't deserve to do well. And I won't. My first social work mod that I'll get a lousy grade for. Looking back, the most fav part of this mod is still my project on Structural Family Therapy. What a wasted! Just hope that the A for the CA will help pull me up a bit. Now for IT1001. I've got exactly 19 hrs b4 the exam and I've not started. If I blog again, then something is wrong. Hope to see me only on 29th night.

Sianz

Sigh...just finished mental health. Screwed the last qn. Oh well...have to let go...let go...fuck it's difficult. I'm not the sort of person who can let go easily.
oh well one down...four more to go.
And the outreach thing is getting to me. Everything is.

I thank You for the Day

Today started off rather apprehensively as I had to go to the dentist for a gum infection. I waited almost 2 hrs b4 I was seen cos I didnt have an appointment but the lady asked me to come down and wait. Anyway, seems like I have some other gum problem and will have to go down again. 4th May's my next appointment. The first excitment post-exam. Yipee
Anyway I decided to walk over to Novena Church to pray and hopefully talk to one of the priests. Went there said my prayers, then went to find priest. MIA. Sigh. Decided to walk to the MRT but as I walked past the canteen, I saw a familiar face. She's a girl in my Mental Health class, also one of the Legionaires. Anyway, I decided to go say hi. Turns out both are yr2 social work majors, Catholics, and mugging away at Mental Health when I have not even started (save for chap 1 which I read for my essay). I ended up joining them to revise. It was really pleasant and I learnt that though I may not have talked to some of the ppl in my SW classes, they have talked about my "funny face" b4. How cool is tt! :p Anyway, Adeline seemed super tickled by whatever I said. Sihua was a little more toned down and she didnt even bother humoring me with polite laughter for my lame jokes (Adeline laughed - sorry if you're reading this ;)
Anyway, managed to get Fr in the end - Fr Paul Ke - the duty priest for the day. Had a good (though a little short) conversation with him. Ended up, quite bizzarely, talking about psychological theories and all that. Turns out Fr Ke is a trained and certified Reality Therapist, so I ended up talking about it as I had just read it for my counseling mod. A very nice, pleasant man. I should be making an appointment with him soon. :)
You know, I think today is rather special. I had my dental appointment turn out better than expected. Made two new friends along the way rather serendipitously. Managed to finish 3 powerpoint lects when 3 hrs last night covered only HALF a lecture. And if I had not met Ade n Sihua, I would not have bothered to stay and met with Fr Paul Ke in the end. :)
I'm still having trouble studying but at least I'm happy.
I pray that God helps us all during this period of time, to help us maximise our potential. And IF we do not do well even after our max effort, I pray that God grants these ppl gifts that those who score As dont.
God gives, maybe not in an area you want Him to, but He always gives, in abundance.

Of fireworks and NZ

I saw fireworks in the distance at about 2+am 2 nights ago...it was coming from Malaysia...what's up man...so happening eh???

Anyway on a more serious note, my parents were talking about migration recently. My dad seems pretty serious about it cos he doesnt want to retire (I dont think this word is used correctly in this context) here n he's always wanted to go to NZ. Anyway, my mum used to be relunctant cos my grandparents were ard but things are kinda different now. Anyway, I didnt think much about it till my dad told me: "You know all they need is for someone to work there and bring the rest of the family over!" then the next line..."they are in need of social workers!!"
Great, now I'm supposed to work there and bring the rest of them over?!? anyway, I dismissed it lah. If i were going to NZ to work, why in hell would I be studying so hard now? I shd just quit sch and learn some farming skills which is like what I think i would like to do if i go there. Anyway, I cant imagine life outside of Spore. I'm not the kind of person who like to adapt to new places n all. I hate changes. And I want to stay here, as screwed up as this place may be.

It's been a long time...(again)

I've been so busy these days...don't get enough sleep n all...can't wait for the hols...anyway some thots in me head...

* the wind is blowing freaking hard now...I love it but its getting kinda scary...it's as if something is gonna happen

* I did well for my IT1003 CA (50%) which I praise God for. Unfortunately for me though I made the mod S/U. Worst still, I've NO more S/Us left for honours yr (if I do)

* I finally found out Harbourfront Girl's name, thanks to CY :)

* Sigh...just feel sianz...

It's real cold now...think I'll go zzZZ

Counseling Proj - Structural Family Therapy

Our blood and sweat...good times...stressful times...good memories...tested frenships...the joy & satisfaction of the product!

Oh NO...

Your Brain is 60.00% Female, 40.00% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

Actually one sentence makes the whole quiz lose its credibility: Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed - Oh so NOT true

laptop phobic

I think i'm sick of my laptop....staring at the screen...n to be honest I think my laptop is quite sick of me too. At least SOMEthing is mutual.
Just sent out the 55 page manual which I compiled...haha k lah 25 pages was a script n template done by other grp members...heh...but seeing the no. of pages just made me feel better...though I have to admit this is a serious fallacy! the no. of pages don't mean anything! well, i dont know why but as an arts (or rather a social sci) student...I always get that false sense of security seeing the no. of pages that has been churned out regardless of its quality. K enough of technology, I gonna watch tv now...duh~

New Record

I just took a bath. No...it's not the start of a new day but the end of a very long one. I reached home not that long ago, with many thanks to Tock who so graciously volunteered to send me home even before I asked him. He's really such a sweet guy. :)
We started filming for our counseling project slightly b4 7pm in one of the TV rooms in Temasek Hall and ended only after 3am. My goodness, more than 7 hrs of intensive filming. It was really tough for me esp since I can't rem lines properly. Not surprisingly, I had the most no. of NGs, was the only one who had to have the script with me throughout the session and also I kept looking at the scrip while filming. It was so difficult to start filming cos I kept bursting out laughing but after a few tries, it got better. Think that the others - Jianting, Chunyat, Liling & Fareez - are damn pro actors and Fareez did hell of a job with managing the 2 video cameras and breaking up the sessions into scenes. It also made me realise WHY actors were paid so much - it's so DAMN difficult! I felt quite bad holding the others back but I thank all of them for their patience. haha I'm not so much a therapist heh? It was quite funny looking back to the NGs and all...haha luckily I was sitting on my side otherwise sure can see my stomach quipped ahbao. Filming also made me jealous how round my head and how BIG my thighs are. Sigh.
anyway, we went for supper at Fong Seng first and it was gd just sitting around and talking cock. This is definitely a landmark in my undergrad life thus far; I thot I wouldnt break my record of 3am last sem but this sem I've done one better. But it was worth it. A BIG thanks to my whole grp for the experience. Now for some zzZZ....

My 'wonderful' Week

there're so many thoughts running through my head...I will start with the newest to the oldest...

1. Someone just commended me for my msn nick: Are you a virgin? Say NO to PMSex!

2. Received my first pay check for my Editorial Work...all of 90+bucks...I like Dr Ng, so unlike that fucker TNT who has not paid me a single cent for the work I did during the holidays...don't worry I won't bother about him n will avoid him like the plague!

3. I lost the clip portion while jumping over the fence in the middle of the road. Spent 5 mins searching but couldnt find it. Oblivious to traffic.

4. Had a gd time at CG talking about sexuality. Had gd company for dinner too :) n of cos Greg on the train. ;) one observation - Jon is DAMN observant!! man!! you shd know what u r talking about man.

5. Most of this week had been spent doing up the STUPID FUCKING ridiculous website for my IT1001 mod. It's so FREAKING irritating. I wish I could destroy all the DAMN computers in the world!! At least it's up.

A BIG THANK YOU to these people:

* Alan: for helping us out with anchoring etc. yesterday
* Greg: for helping me with changing of format to jpg etc.
* Wayne: for helping us solve the link problem
* Xinhui: for cheering me up and buffing my nail!
* all my 3 grp members - andrea, susan, lena: for putting up with my nonsense n SUPER loads of vulgarities...

you guys really made a difference...thanks!

I'll end off with an excerpt from the writing that I wrote during my Mental Health class when I felt so heavy and that I was gonna break down:

I must be thankful though of the friends I have around me such as those at the CSS corner, Wayne n Xinhui in particular, whose presence made me feel better and help me back off, away from the edge, the edge that O thought I was gonna fall off from today.

Quote for the day??

Heard this during Fr Peter's sermon: There's something strange about Joy - it doesnt depend on the external.
In the end, I kept thinking about this line that I ignored the rest of his sermon.
Is the statement is true, then I think people who don't feel joy might have larger deeper issues.
I'm no exception.

Numa Numa Dance

hey all really can't sleep!! man i got a meeting in sch at noon! arg!

anyway ripped this off yasmine's blog and thot it was quite funny...n also...the techno music that I like...do check it out...quite funny...n kester....eat your heart out! :P

The Numa Numa Dance

great end to a torrid week...

This week has been torrid. I had only 4 hrs of sleep for 3 nights in a row, having to wake up at 6am from tues-fri to go to sch early. It may sound normal to u guys but I've been so used to 8 hrs of sleep I really couldnt take it. Was so busy with stuff...essays...n I dunno what that I could only sleep at 2+am...I really felt like shit almost everyday when I was in sch. Somehow I managed to include a movie in it. heh.
Do you know that ppl who are depressed don't commit suicide when they're at their lowest, but when they are recovering. This is due to the extreme lack of energy when they're at their lowest. Realised how true it might be with the analoguous situation of my deprived sleep. During the mornings that I was so tired (4hrs of sleep) I was calm in my dad's car...not bothering with screwed up drivers who cut lanes or road hog. The morn when I had more sleep, I was back to my normal lousy driving cursing. heh. I felt it was similar to what I learnt during ab psych. The low made me apathetic to what was going on around me. I don't know if this makes sense to you.

Anyway, today was much better. I felt our grp discussion wasnt really focused (no thanks to me) but then the filming was fun. Actually used my army helmet n top in sch to film a "trench" scene. It shd be quite funny. heh. Fareez does GREAT videos!! haha n ya man I think we do look alike. heh.

*added in* I forgot to mention about my stupid lectuer...TNT...tt bugger....it's like I told him that I can't commit the time n all that to do research work for him so he asked me when my exams ended n that we'll do work after my exams then he ended off by telling me to submit a report in 2 weeks time!!! I'm so frustrated!! he has this way of manipulating people and situations!! I'm so irritated n pissed!! sigh.

Anyway I had my NJ class 98S18 class reunion today...felt gd to meet up again...esp since I've not seen some of them for so long...met Kaifeng n Sumin in sch b4 heading down to Centrepoint to meet Kaixun, Peiyi, Saihim, Junkang, Lishan, Hanhui, Tim, and then we headed for Sumin's place. Weijie joined us later...we had pizza for dinner n just sat down to talk...was a bit weird at first...silence n all (I'm ok with silence actually) but junkang n xunzi was the entertainment...with junkang telling us his 'lifestory' in NTU. heh. it's really nice catching up with them...here's some interesting facts about my classmates:

Weijie: He went for Lasik costing $5k but got $1k discount cos his mum knows the nurse who know the doc. heh. then the procedure quite scary man. You can see the whole thing! then they will say, dont be scared when this sharp thing goes towards ur eye...then u can see the lasar n all cutting...then the doc said there's a lot of blood....man...then cos they cut ur cornea u cant scratch it for 2 weeks or it will just slide off...man...but now weijie has almost perfect eyesight!

Lishan: she's working on ships making training videos...had to spend 26 days on the ship (including xmas!!) with nothing to do cos she didnt expect to be away so long!! no internet connection, no phone, no books, lousy food, and she said they got excited whenever they saw land!!

Hanhui: she's working as a psychologist now at MOE carrying out assessment tests on sch-going kids n all!!

Peiyi: my social work senior....senior executive at SSTI (Social Services Training Institute) and she had to leave early cos she has to work tomolo, sunday, mon n tues...she asked me to reconsider sw. heh.

Kaixun & Saihim: the only ppl I know who finished their FYP more than 1 week ahead of schedule!! and they both got jobs liaoz at Deloitte & Touche and Ernst & Young respectively.

Sigh. We're old....only me kaifeng n weijie are still studying for another year. heh.

went to play pool when the others left....was playing with much luck the first 2 games then in the 3rd game I went to pot the black ball with a damn nice shot when I had one more striped ball left!!! I didnt see it!! arg then the rest were wondering why I was so happy tt i potted the black ball!!! never recovered from tt...Tim is the pool champ...heh Cindy joined us then.

Cindy: She works in a semi-conductor company drawing a salary of $3-4k a month...with a cap set to S$7200 after over-time!!!!! beat that man!! haha she really got weijie excited!

after pool we had supper at meridian kopitiam...not bad just catching up...then shared cab back.

I must say that I really enjoyed seeing my NJ classmates again. Writing this and listening to Running by No Doubt made me wanna tear jus now...don't know why but felt so nostalgic!! I miss you 98S18!! miss you lots... :)

$1,000,000 Baby

WARNING: Spoiler ahead. Stop if you are gonna watch the movie. But I don't think it's worth it.

Rating: 3.5/5

When you watch a movie that has won the Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actress and Best Supporting Actor Oscars, I think that it's fair that I expected a bit more. Nevermind that Wayne spoilt it by telling me that "the boxer dies", it was in my humble opinion, not in the league of Hotel Rwanda. Actually, wayne set me on the wrong track for I had thought Hilary Swank would die in the ring. The movie up to that point was, I admit, quite interesting and pulsating. Like yasmine said, the build-up of Clint & Hilary's relationship was quite well done. However, I started getting bored the moment Hilary hit her head on the stool when she was fell by that Berlin Bitch Cheater Boxer. Sorry if I'm downplaying the scene but it was at that point that I got bored. I wasn't sad. Not the least bit. From that point on, it could have been substituted with The Sea Inside and I wouldn't have known the difference, save for the fact that the latter is in Spanish. Morgan Freeman's acting was rather mediocre by his own high standards and it left me thinking about the other candidates for that Oscar. Clint and Hilary's acting was sublime but I still question the wisdom of the movie receiving the Best Picture and Best Director awards. An OK movie overall, but if you're expecting a classic or a masterpiece, don't hold your breath.

oOpS...I did it again...

btw, I hate Britney.

I wanted to go to sch to start on my readings for this semester. Yes, start. I made 2 mods S/U - my two IT mods. Not that it comforts me a whole lot but at least I know I can afford to screw up and that I can spend more time catching on my 3 social work core mods. However, I went to bed at 2+am last night but I tossed and turned and was unable to sleep till about 4+am. I only managed to wake up at 630am and as I didn't want to keep my sis n dad waiting, I let them rush off. I decided to sleep for another 2 hrs but ended up waking up past noon. I can just NEVER get enough sleep!! You might say that I slept so much cos I was tired but then I had a 6hr afternoon nap yest and that night I slept 6+ hrs too! Man...I did it again. It seems that two of my frens are in similar situations. I think the three of us might be severely burntout. Sigh. hang in there man, it's a few weeks more and then more than 12 weeks of holidays!!

Man...there's so much to do. heh. Just hope I can finish them all.

Confusion

What I've felt
What I've known
Turn the pages
Turn the stone
Behind the door
Should I open it for you?

Anyone knows this song? :)

there're so many thoughts racing through my mind...feel don't think! but screw feeling...it always gets u into trouble...it always gets u hurt! Rationalize! Tt's the defensive mechanism I feel I use to protect myself. It usu works though so why not? Anyway, the editorial work has made me so tired...gonna zzZZ now...

Judging...

I first judging I wanna talk about is Judging Amy...it's a great show that I've been catching recently...A mother who's a Social Worker and her daughter who's a Judge. Today's episode was great. Amy actually had to use her power as a judge to teh~ her mother cos her mother didnt wanna allow her to cross-examine this guy who was gonna die...then there was this mother-daughter confrontation...very emotional...both guided by the values indoctrinated by their respective professions...really quite moving as well...must catch it if u have time...def better than Desperate Housewives n all those similar genre kind of flicks...

-taken out-
I'm sorry.

There's so much to say...

but I found somewhere else to say it. Every single word...w/o censorship...my true and innermost feelings. That's the problem when you know others are reading this...u can't say everything that's in your heart - the hurt, the disappointment, your innermost thoughts/feelings.
Friday was a screwed up day: hp spoil, some fucker banged into me causing me to spill my entire cup of hot milo (I almost pulled him back but my fren CY stopped me)...I wanted to punch his fucking face. Screwed up service at Sony Ericsson service centre. Stupid girl...can't understand simple english and try to screw ard with me. You caught me on a wrong day you bitch.
Games Day: At least I attained my goal of not losing my temper or whacking anyone. Scored my first goal at Games Day. Missed a penalty. Lost the finals 3-2 when leading 2-0. What the fuck were we thinking. Sigh.
Cat Class: Interesting...getting to know Alan and Ed's classes...getting in tune with my own class..
Just lazing around, not doing anything. Something is wrong. I feel lethargic all the time, can never get up in the mornings, never have enough rest (despite 8+ hrs of sleep), no mood to do any work, no discipline, overwhelming pessimistic and sad thoughts, a meaningless existence. I live for the moment. I live for that moment where you smile, laugh, momentary breaks from a meaningless existence. At the end of the day...everything is the same. Nothing changes. Life sucks.

Saturday Night

It's the first sat night that I'm home for some weeks and for good reason - I got a freaking pounding headache...any sitting position isnt too comfortable with me...tt's why I'm lying on my bed in this weird position with the laptop beside me in the dark. Sigh.
Anyway morning started off fine with soccer. Though I have not played for quite some time, I had a decent game with a few goals and slightly more good passes though it's still much to be desired...esp the fitness that is in the negative regions...sigh...the million dollar qn: how to increase fitness in one week???
had lunch at thompson b4 taking cab home. Then had to rush to church for cat class. You know...Cat class (though I like my kids)...it seems to zap a lot of energy out of me every week. This week ( I think soccer has a part to play) I ended up getting this terrible headache too. The weather is fucked up to say the least and moving bet. air-con n the scourching sun is really very bad.
anyway here I m with this terrible headache. Be gone you leech in my head!!

YOU & I BOTH (words & music by jason mraz)

A real crap day...feel like shit...under the weather...this MTV (click here for link) I saw was quite funny...perked me up a little...

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me
Oh things are gonna happen naturally
And taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side
And balancing the whole thing
But often times those words get tangled up in lines
And the bright lights turn to night
Until the dawn it brings
A little bird who'll sing about the magic that was you and me

Cause you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
What you and I spoke of
Others only dream of the love that I love

See I'm all about them words
Over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
Hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
More words then I had ever heard and I feel so alive
Now you and I, you and I
Not so little you and I anymore
And with this silence brings a moral story
more importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm already finally out of

and it's okay if you have go away
just remember the telephone works both ways
and if I never ever hear it ring
if nothing else I'll think the bells inside
have finally found you someone else and that's okay
cause I'll remember everything you sang

you and I both loved what you and I spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see now
well I'm already finally out of words.

Past Few Days...

The past few days have been rather ambivalent in terms of happenings n all...will not blog abt the bad stuff...
had a gd time last night...was quite aimless but there's a certain element of fun in that...not having something fixed to do...winging things...thanks guys...
Happy Birthday Sis...u might be voyeuring my blog again so here it goes...luv u lots...(sometimes more than other times, sometimes less;)
lazy few days...
but highlight of CNY this yr...summed up in this pic...

ciao~

Do ppl in heaven pray??

You know I really don't like talking to my frens who r Protestants about religion. To be honest, it might be due to my lack of knowledge esp when they suddenly quote a verse from the bible and use it against me. I don't know the bible THAT well. And, I don't want it to affect my frenship with that person. So when ZZ n MW came over the the CSS corner for our presentation prep...they started flipping thru the stuff we had there...then the questions came:

ZZ: Why do u all pray to Mary?
Me: We don't pray or worship her. We ask her to pray for us...to interceed for us.
ZZ: but she's dead.
Me: Yupz she is...but she's in heaven and close to God, with the angels and saints. Why can't we ask them to pray for us...just like how we ask our friends to pray for us?
ZZ: But revelations says that those in heaven only praise God...they don't pray.
*dumbfounded*
shit...does revelations really say tt? I didn't know what to say cos I didnt know if she was right n even if I knew the passage...I wouldnt know if there was another passage that I could use to prove my point. SIgh.

Then thanks to Ian Yeo...I found out that saints do pray n people in heaven do pray too...(taken from KJV Bible)

Rev.8
[1] And when he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour.[2] And I saw the seven angels which stood before God; and to them were given seven trumpets.[3] And another angel came and stood at the altar, having a golden censer; and there was given unto him much incense, that he should offer it with the prayers of all saints upon the golden altar which was before the throne.[4] And the smoke of the incense, which came with the prayers of the saints, ascended up before God out of the angel's hand.

It took me awhile b4 I decided to tell ZZ abt it. I just did and we discussed it a bit. At least it ended amicably. Oh well...CAW is coming...*shiver* 3 yrs n I still get the same feeling. Have I grown?

News for Today

Toe-breaking News
It was today that Nick's faithful toe nail, which had been so loyally protecting his toe all these years, passed away this afternoon. It was said that the toe nail came off when Nick was trying to chip his mini Adidas soccerball into a box. Our deepest condolences.

Revelation in Nemo (the movie) - Transference
It was revealed today in the movie that was watched again this afternoon that Marlin had exhibited transference towards Dory. Transference is defined as the phenomenon by which a patient/client projects certain feelings or emotions onto the therapist, or casts him/her into a certain role. For instance, the therapist may be seen as possessing the same traits as a father-figure about whom the patient had ambivalent feelings. In a particular scene in the movie, Marlin actually renacted certain aspects of his relationship with his son, Nemo, towards Dory. He said, "No son, you cannot do it...you never can" (source of quotation unreliable). The question remains whether Dory did in fact exhibit counter-transference.

Hong Kong Chinese movies
Nick watched a Hong Kong movie in the afternoon and it brought back memories of the times when he really enjoyed watching such movies, especially the vampire and gangster movies. Today's movie was about this charming guy who is irresistable to girls. His apartment-mate however is far less successful. Though I do not wish to comment on the far from unpredictable and unexpected ending, I do wish to highlight certain points. During the movie, I realised that one of the tactics used by the playboy was actually executed on Nick. It was an unexpected realisation and one that was quite surprising indeed. Recent conversations with several girls has also pointed out the fact that many of them seek a 'bastard' streak in the guys that they are with. "Nice guys are boring and predictable" is often the cry of these adventurous ladies. I had been thinking about whether I should start to inherit some of these desirable 'bastard' traits, but came to the conclusion that (1) I'm already quite a bastard in the sense that I'm tempermental, easily irritating, possessive, easily made jealous etc. etc. and (2) I should just stick with being myself. Why should I change myself (in a negative aspect) to suit someone else? And to those ladies who seek such guys, just a word of caution: be careful of what you ask for. You might just get it.

New Passion
As it has been dawning on Nick these past few weeks, photography and video-making has been garnering much interest in his life. To date, he has taken several pictures including one of which half his face was white (due to the angle at which the photo was taken) and a few videos including one of Nettolio Pizza-making which was shot courtesy of Nick's parents yesterday. Nick has also decided to set aside money to buy a good digi-cum-video cam. We can expect more photos and possibly a short-film in the next long school holidays.

Weather
It has been a humid past few days and the stifling heat has caused Nick much sweat. Let's all hope for cooler weather soon.

"Reunion" dinner

b4 I blog about my "reunion" dinner...I wanna show u guys the new collage tt I made for the noticeboard above my table...it consists mainly of some of my fav postcards...some of them were added just to take up the space...was supposed to do it up during the dec hols but only got down to it yest...

well as for dinner...my mum decided that she was not going to go thru the hassle of cooking this yr and so up stepped my dad to save the day. Well, my dad can't cook so he decided to bake a pizza...(quite weird for chu xi)...but I must say he did a wonderful job as all 5 of us r packed full of wonderful PIZZA!! :)

I put "" for reunion cos it isnt actually a reunion...it has been the 5 of us for several yrs now esp since my grandma passed away in 1996. It'll never be the same again but I don't really mind actually. Just the 5 of us.

for princess ;)

why must I be tested again and again...

why must things happen to piss me off...make me irritated n all tt shit? one thing after another...God must have a damn good sense of humor...n who cares abt patience...it's over-rated I tell u...I used to try so hard but wtf for?? why shd I care or bother to make the effort to be tolerant of ppl...not to get irritated n all?? why must things happen such tt I get affected...
then my freaking private blog has been down for more than a month cos the mo-f***er server is down...n they cant get it up...I will f***ing kill those bastards if all my posts r lost...freaking hell...

2 of the reasons why I love Calvin n Hobbes (or Jon)...

Nothing sucks more than...

no not a vaccum cleaner.

nothing sucks more than when you wanna do something but u can't get anyone to do it with you. was feeling so sianz then angst jus now...surprisingly it was my editorial work that made me feel better...don't feel like doing readings (I havent even gotten much of them yet) and I dont feel like talking to anyone...but it just felt good to organise the journals and send out acknowledgment receipts to the authors of the journals :)

long day ahead tomolo...

McDonalds - I'm loathing IT(1003)!!

have been doing research for this wed's presentation since yest...I dont really know what is needed so it doesnt help...was supposed to meet up with proj grp but only zhizhen came in the end...such a tiring day...Cat class didnt go too well either...sigh...luckily post-cat class activities made me feel so much better *wink wink*

do u know that there r 125 Macs islandwide?? apparently serving 55million customers?? and they have 6,000 staff...man tt's really up-sized...

k gonna sleep now...too tired to blog properly...will call Macs to find out more tomolo...

Guys’ Night Out/ Hotel Rwanda

I wanted to blog about my day yesterday last night but was too tired to do so. Here it goes… Met up with Boss, MarkC and Mr Vile for dinner last night at Fish & Co. @ The Glasshouse (aka LOVE). Had Swordfish Collar which was delightfully big for a change and I was glad that for once I had not stuck to what I was comfortable with. Had a nice dinner, nice company. Then decided to play pool at Paradiz. Played doubles and paired with MarkC and we beat the Josephians 5-2. I don’t believe I’ve ever played as well as in the 1st game where I pocketed like 4/5 balls in a row with the white ball placed quite well. It was fun! Then went to Rochor Road Beancurd to eat Tau Hway! It was good…conversation was interesting too. You know you have good friends when they try to rationalize your nonsensical statements:
Me: You like coins?? Getting in touch with your feminine side??
*Silence*
Boss: Err…coins are feminine cos they Jingle?
MarkC: Err…cos they are glittery?
Oh well…it was nice company…good time…

Lame joke for yesterday –
Sis: Why are there so many knots on your scapula?
Me: Oh…cos I’m very naughty (knotty)!

HOTEL RWANDA

Caught this wonderful movie jus now with Yas at Lido...fantastic movie I tell you...gonna get the DVD when it comes out...this one is for the keeps...I love such documentary-kinda movie esp since its based on real life. What's more I covered the conflict between the Hutu and Tutsi in my Geopolitics mod back in yr1 sem1 with kes, markC n gang...the movie left me with so much emotions...I really felt that I was gonna burst out crying at times...I was constantly at the edge of my seat wondering what the hell was gonna happen next...I was filled with hatred and contempt for the UN..for those bastards in the US govt again for not wanting to intervene cos there was no benefit in doing so (unlike in the oil-rich Gulf)...for a world that would only watch passively as 800,000 rwandans were massacred in cold blood...thousands of children made orphans...hundreds of women raped...arg...f***!! how can ppl hate each other so much that they do these kinda things?? oh well...

think you guys should catch the movie if you can...it should be worth it...I leave you guys with the quote we used in my grp project on Rwanda: The Machete War...

"There are no devils left in Hell. They are all in Rwanda."

- A Roman Catholic missionary, quoted in Time, 16th May 1994.

My Name!!

Found at this website...http://www.netto.co.uk/internet/nettog/menu/main.nsf

1. Denmark

Netto are a Danish owned discount grocery chain that provide easy access to daily shopping for quality goods at low prices.

2. New York

Another one!! http://www.davidnettodesign.com/content.php?mode=company
David Netto Design was founded in 2000 to provide our clients with residential decoration and architectural design of the highest quality. We are a small shop, which I believe is the only way to be your best and be most available to clients.

3. Brazil

This one is a web developer...under contruction though...http://www.manoelnetto.com/

4. South Africa

http://www.mbendi.co.za/d-netto/
Operating since 1988, Netto Financial Services is widely recognised as one of the top financial planning practices in South Africa.

5. Germany

http://www-gap.dcs.st-and.ac.uk/~history/Mathematicians/Netto.html
A German Mathematician!

How exciting!! Thanks jan for introducing me to such fun!! muhahaha...there seems to be a lot of Brazilian names similar to mine!! maybe i have brazilian blood....

Level 3 - Tolerance

no i'm not pissed...its the name of my level 3 Catechism Class this year...

got off on a rather apprehensive note as the teens were quite quiet and sianz...then after my pep talk and the ice-breakers...it was quite fine...even had to do forfeit for the games...quite dumb actually...went to every class on the level and shouted "Hi"...anyway seems like a nice bunch lah...in fact I couldnt concentrate during mass all the way till the homily...was thinking about how class this yr will be like...thot back to my class last yr...feels like I broke up n found a new girl...tt kind of feeling...cos it's fun n exciting now but u look/think back on the previous class that you took...oh well...

Most hated word now: Clique
was quite irritated after mass when this issue came up...cos someone was being protective n said that he wanted his 3 students back as they were separated from their clique...I tell you there's nothing wrong in tt lah...it's just like they get streamed into different classes in sch when moving into sec3 anyway right...give them some time n it'll be fine! so what's the deal man...arg screw it lah...means less ppl in my class anyway...have just 16 ppl now...will try to find an assistant though...was thinking of Carol...too bad Karen decided against it...was quite disappointed but doesnt matter...but I'm not the person who asks twice...once it's no its forever no...

liverpool never fail to make me pissed...f***ing bunch of c***s...

quite sad that I have to end my blog this way...was so excited n happy after class...

I should blog earlier...

when memories are still fresh in me head.

Have not felt like blogging for the past week.

Yest was interesting. Firstly, I realised that I don't even know the colour of the t-shirt I was wearing...I thot it was red but apparently it's orange as most of the ppl I polled yest said...but it's too dark to be orange! ok nvm...anyway...had first cg for the sem and kinda enjoyed it...have not sang some of the hymns since like pri/sec sch in St Gabs...really miss singing some of those songs...went down to Grapevine after tt...quite a nice place though the portions r diet-size small...nice place though and the Oreo Frappe was good...heh...went off b4 1am I think...had to draw money first so went to the atm and guess what...my bad got caught in the door and the string lining the front of me bag burst...f***! It my faithful bag since I entered uni...so I sat down to tie it up...then on impulse I decided to walk home from Upper Serangoon area...so began the nice slow cool walk home...it's times like those that I can really think about stuff...

there're many ways of measuring time...my home is 7 sticks away from upper serangoon...

even met 2 frens along the way home at like 2+am?? anyway took a short rest on my fav bench below my block b4 going up...I love that bench...its made of metal...blue in colour...with slits all ard so that even when it rains it doesnt remain wet for long...very nice and when I lean back I can see the symmetry of the two blocks intersecting the sky...nice. It's when you sit down and slow down our usu hectic pace that we start to see things...I never noticed the lights on this house though it was like flashing green yellow and red?? prob deco for Hari Raya Haji? then u realise that many others r still awake too...cos their lights r on...saw this couple...quite funny...the guy was riding the bicycle...then his gf (i presume) was standing at the back on those bars that are found at the spokes of stunt bikes...and she was wearing a motorbike helmet...I wonder why?? went up soon after...

went online...talked to karen, huijing n ahbao...the night owls...heh...checked email...realised that my sup wants to see me n my fren asap...sigh...there's work to be done...

life's fine...could be better...apathy...nonchalance.

The Phantom of the Opera

Watched this wonderful musical movie this noon with karen...was great lah I tell u...there were parts that I think were better in the musical though it seems like eons ago that I caught it with my uncle...I seemed more exicted then...think cos it was my first major musical n cos it was live. Anyway, this one was gd too cos unlike the muscial I could catch all the faces, emotions, unlike the play where the cast looked so small...heh...loved the music...was thinking abt so many things during the movie...
the first thing that came to mind after listening to the soundtrack intro was my days in my sec sch band - Exodus. I rem playing drums for the Soundtrack for Phantom but it wasnt becos I was gd at the drums but cos I wasnt good with mallets which was kinda more 'important' in the soundtrack but hearing the score brought back memories of all those practices where Lin Ah Leck our instructor would cut us and make us repeat the sequence cos we coudnt get the feel of the part...being a percussionist meant that it was frustrating waiting for my turn to join in...we did a lot of things at the back to kill time though ;) think tt's how we percussionist bonded...
the other thing I thought abt was that somehow I could identify with the phantom in a few aspects and I found myself rooting for him...heh...so it wasnt a surprise tt tears welled in my eyes during the scene after he kissed Christine but decided to let her n tt stupid guy away cos he knew it wasnt meant to be...heh...after all tt he did for her...
I'm jealous n possessive...
I like the movie...
I love the soundtrack...
I want to watch the musical again...with front seats...
n it was nice hanging out awhile after tt...
went for a run when I reached home...man it was difficult...not sure if I'm gonna win this bet man...
k sch starts tomolo...
here we go again.

CHOICE

b4 I go into the details of the retreat itself...I want to talk about my mum's reaction to a letter I wrote her. With every line of the letter, she made silly comments...in fact I told her the letter contained stuff that could help her improve as a person...n she said "I was very good"...then she went on with each line..."I'm offended...you called me Dear when it shd be Dearest?!?!"....then "Ur handwriting is very bad"...then "ya being your mum is tough"..."ya you shd help out with household chores..." and ended with "I forgive you". :) have yet to give Dad.
Anyway...I've no regrets going to Choice more becos it was fun and I felt a gd way to start the sem. Made quite a few frens there...really nice ppl. To be totally honest, I dont think this retreat was some big revelation lah...its like we know most of the stuff but of cos I had advantage cos I did one module which touched on a certain topic covered. heh. anyway, I believe that I have still learnt from this experience and though I dont see immediate benefits, I'm sure that I've grown in some way. What really touched me was the sincerity and openness of the presenters...my heart goes out to all of u guys....and I think one thing that I've changed is realising how lucky I am and I hope I stop taking these things for granted.
Anyway...really met quite a few ppl...shared the rm with Wen Yan (spelling?), Andrew and BK. Got to bond with andrew n WY quite a bit...then there was Arthur...he said something that struck me...he said he felt welcomed in CSS...tt was a really nice thing to hear...bet he wouldnt feel the same when I was in yr1...CSS was quite different then...then got to know the other guys better...Jeff, Ed, Mau, Greg, Gabrielle ...and gals...lex, carol, shirley n many others better...
a big THANKS to all the house-keepers too...esp MarkG n Nan for ur support n letters n Darryl, Dyan, Clemence, Dwi n HD (thanks for the extra plate of meat too!!) for all your efforts!! they're much appreciated!!!
Anyway would encourage u guys to give it a shot...ESP if u dont have very gd relationships with sif others. Bernard and Ying r also very inspirational as a couple...think they'll like only the 2nd couple I can really see in love :)
k have to startup a yahoogrps for our Choice grp n greg jus came up with one: Choice 212 - NGA where NGA = Nangosteen Guava Alliance (only those there need understand) ;)
God bless one n all...n for those with lessons tomolo...it starts again...

Hot Date

Met up with D for dinner n catching up jus now...she's the first gal I liked in NUS. Still rem the first time I saw her couldnt get her name right...that was during Arts O-week...still rem the time when I first asked her out...was so nervous waiting for her reply sms...haha...she agreed but she had thought that it was a OG outing...haha then she had to re-consider...some more tense moments...luckily her gd fren encouraged to "give it a shot" (her gd fren is another of my og mates) n we went out the next day, 9th August 2002. It was a little awkward and (I swear) it was the first time I was going out with a girl I hardly knew. We went out again exactly a month later....anyway...it didnt really work out lah but she didnt leave me with a bitter aftertaste or anything. The best part is though we meet like only twice a yr...she'll get me bdays presents n all...n this coming from a gal who doesnt even buy her gd gal fren a prezzie (haha one of her frens complained to me)...she got me something again this yr n as usu I only got it after the new year...was quite touched by her card...heh...wont reveal its contents here of cos... :)
anyway we went Fiesta Mama at United Square...heard about it cos Eunice's bday was celebrated there...had a nice conversation there n all then decided to walk to MacRitchie to take bus. I love walks...at night of cos...when it is cool n I dont sweat much...she's really gd company. Oh ya, we made a bet. Cos I complained tt I was getting fat so she suggested that I exercise...so now...I have to run 2.4km (at least) 3 times a week for 1 month...if I manage to do this...then she will treat me to FIVE movies!!! haha...seems like a gd deal right...but then I really dont know if I'm up to it...heh...come on guys motivate me!!
Anyway, she's a girl who will always have a soft spot in my heart... :D

Everlasting Love -Jamie Cullum

(it just has such a catchy tune!! thanks yas n draggie)

Hearts gone astray, deep in her when they go.
I went away just when you needed me so.
You won't regret, I'll come back begging you. (mmm)
Won't you forget, welcome love we once knew.

Open up your eyes, then you realise.
Here I stand with my everlasting love.
Need you by my side.
Girl to be my pride.
Never be denied everlasting love....
oh...

Hearts gone astray deep in her when they go.
I went away just when you needed me so.
You wont regret I'll come back begging you.
Wont you forget, welcome love we once knew.

Open up your eyes, then you'll realise.
Here I stand with my everlasting love
Need you by my side.
Girl to be my pride.
Never be denied everlasting love.
From the very start open up your heart, feel that you've fallen in, Everlasting love......
need a love to last forever.
need a love to last forever.
need a love to last forever.
need a love to last forever.........
I need a love to last forever

Another Early Night...

I'm awake again...didnt sleep at all...but prob zzZZ soon...seems like this hols has been full of this...
woke up late as usu...did a a lot of sms-ing n all to get pub comm meeting organized...decided on CHOICE so shd be gg since there's no cat class this coming sat...heh...so seeya guys there...trying to keep an open mind abt it...
spent most of my time chatting online as well as researching for my SP comm session...it's really harder than I thot....much harder than the Family n Christian Service topics that I did last sem...oh man...still at it lor...reading this Apostolic Letter on the Christian Meaning of Human Suffering...it's really very deep...heh...so still at it lor!
Anyway...meet up with all 7 of my wonderful 55th exco...went to Swensons @Causeway Point for dinner...not bad lah...dessert was shiok though we were practically fighting for the Earthquake n Apple Crumble! ;) but it was fun...heh...then after tt we went to Adam Road for 'supper'...only me julia n HMB ate the stingray...kinda felt like yr1sem1 when my cg members always went there for CG dinner...heh...
took the long 156 home...then after wishing Princess Happy 21st...we ended up agreeing to meet for supper so I took the car out n went to pick her n Angie up....went Punggol Nasi Lemak for chicken wings...not bad lah hanging out with them n just listening to them...heh very interesting one u know! ;) had a gd time...then sent them home b4 reaching home...haha then chat somemore on msn...heh...

so here I m...spent...but my brain still trying to process the Chrisitian meaning of human suffering...heh...some parts too cheem to get...anyway shd be gg Zouk again later...last time b4 sch starts...bidding starts later too...hope it doesnt screw up cos i only got like 500pts for 2 mods...heh *cross fingers*

anyway life is fine now i guess...am cautious of saying gd as it normally takes a turn for the worse when I say tt...dont have ANY NY blues cos to me its just another day/week/month...doesnt matter anymore...oh something i just rem...rem feeling quite touched on the bus by Ian Mat's xmas card...luv u man...heh...we will meet up for more suppers...

u know i like this state i'm in - i.e. not liking anyone. I realise tt emotionally-unstable me usu gets affected by tt more than anything else...just hanging out with frens n all...getting to know ppl better (something I've not done in some time)...a part of me doesnt mind being in this state forever...a part of me......

the next few days are kinda full which is gd lah i guess...I'm gonna be focused this coming sem...from day1 it'll be at least 2hrs a day in the lib...(I hope)...those who want to be scared n motivated...stick with me. ;)

ciao~ think me shd zzZZ...hope to wake up in time to LOGIN n bid....freaking CORS!!!

Puzzles

hey guys my bro n sis tried these puzzles jus now...quite fun...hope you guys can see them...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v336/nicknettoe/Puzzle001.jpg

haha then can beg me for answers...muhahahaha

Liverpool 0 Chelsea 1

Its oh so FUCKing unfair...watched the match as a 'neutral' cos i felt that I didnt have much to lose since if pool wins gd...if chelsea wins gd too cos Manyoo n Ars wont be able to catch up. But after watching the fucking match...I must say tt its oh SOoOoOo fucking unfair...it's like when pool plays like shit n loses then I cant say much but having dominated the match n held chelsea for so long...have a freaking obvious penalty denied after the ref apprently brought the whistle to his mouth...it's really freaking unfair. FUCK!

Chelsea will go on to win the championship. They have a rock solid defence...steady GK with gd hands...a combative midfield...an attack that (k let's screw this aspect for now)...but most importantly they have the element of luck which every champion has when they dont play well. Gd luck to them.

Arg! What a yr to spend New Year's...feel so feverish now...must be due to the lack of sleep too...not in the mood to do a reflection here....just wanna say that I'm glad 2004 is over. Can start afresh. At least it ended off on a rather ok note esp since I feel that the fren I had lost over the months is coming back...I dont expect much n I know things wont be the same but at least we're talking...like decent friends would. And of cos the numerous frens that I've gotten to know better this yr... :)

I dont make New Year resolutions. Cos we dont aim to change at the beginning of the yr only...it's a continous process that we shd do EVERYday of our lives.

The world (football) is so FUCKing unfair.

Happy New Year '05

Hey all here's wishing you all a very Happy 2005! Hope you all have a blast of a yr...

went to nan's place jus now...n here I m after reading today's newspaper n posting up the photos...heh...can check them out at http://community.webshots.com/user/nick_net_toe

k gonna sleep now...hope can wake up for SP comm meeting tomolo...