NUS CSS FOC 2006 - Acts 29

FOC ended yest with a fantastic finale at Sentosa. Must say that it has been a fantastic experience and I'm really glad I went, committed myself to it and made that the final event as a CSS member. Although I'll still be ard NUS for some time, I think as a student, FOC was the encore. I must admit that on the first day, I did get the sense that I was a little out of it. I felt I was old & that I couldnt keep up. I was wondering whether I had made a mistake. You know, I had been looking forward to this last FOC for some time now, and initially I was a little disappointed when I realised that kes, nan, val & many others in my batch wouldnt be attended full-time. Thank goodness for markli! You've been a great companion throughout dude! :) Anyway, for me right, the turning point was the second day. I think the ice between me & the freshies broke when they drew on my head. It's the 1st time since I had this 'hairdo' that anyone has done that...and the games that ensued, esp the Geisha game whereby piglet painted my head with powder & lipstick that I really felt in it. I think that many times we just have to give of ourselves totally if we wanna feel 'part of it' and tt's just what I did. There're so many memories man. Piglet was hilarious throughout la - be it from dodging waterbombs in a crouching defensive position to saying that she "used to be left-handed" when markli said left-handed people are smart. Then all the Udon (tt's my group name) cheers that we came up with, to the super energetic freshies that we got; man they really had "balls of enthusiaism" man! I really think that I can see & feel the generation gap bet me & the freshies. Must say that the freshies have lotsa initiative also man. I'm sure they've enjoyed themselves and I just feel so happy! I'm so glad to have known them - jared, johan, kelvin, sam, emmi & mallery - as well as others like Ben (aka hardgay), Jeremy (aka Geisha Chan), Nicole & Grace (the girls who broke their door lock on the 1st day) and Teresa (the only sane teresa thus far :p). Think I got to know some seniors better also - piglet, aaron, brenda, paul, benny, ivan, daniel, nat. Must say that I was particularly impressed with Aaron, in how he looked after the freshies, led as well as prayed. I'm sure he's gonna be big in CSS. And the seniors who have been with me in NUS & CSS - thank you all so much. The last day started off rather gloomy and it even started to rain; how it ended - with 2 wonderful, beautiful rainbows in the sky - was really an affirmation of God's presence and I could see it, feel it during Steph's prayer...it was so powerful. I would say it's one of the best prayers I've heard in CSS. And so ends a chapter in my life.
You know, last yr, Alan told me those words I still rem so clearly, when I felt that I was not needed at FOC - that we're all dispensible and that my time in CSS has ended. I was kinda hurt then. But not this yr...I see it as a transition. And as they say in chinese - chang jiang hou lang, tui qian lang. There'll always be new blood to take over the old, esp to be God's instruments. Thank you God and everyone who has been a part of my life in CSS. I love you all.

St. @nne's concamp '06

Just came back from concamp and I must say I'm totally drained physically, despite already taking a rather long nap. I'm still trying to figure out whether this yr's one or last yr's one is better but I guess you can't really compare God's work cos they're both special in their own ways. I think that having a personal stake in last yr's concamp - my cat class & my sis - might have heightened the subjectively evaluated "good" for last yr's concamp. Guess what Mervyn said in Chris' car struck me cos he shared that he felt this yr's camp was better. At the end of the day, I'm just glad that God blessed us with, in Bridget's words, such a wonderful combination: YACs, teens n all of us. I felt that the logistics and lots of the discipline and stuff was lacking, due mainly to the lack of my leadership ability in handling such a "big" camp. I really feel that if we had other teens, we might not have been able to pull it through. I've also learnt that I'm more of a follower and can't really lead. Don't think I will take up such huge responsibilities in the near future.
Anyhow, I'm just glad to be there to serve the teens. Got to know some of them and especially those who seem noisy and naughty were actually very nice and I've even added some of them to msn. Some of the things said or tt happened during the camp warrant mention here so that I will never forget them. First, there is Anna who realised her purpose in the camp, just as I did during FOC 2 yrs ago when I was kinda not really "in it", if you know what I mean. Of cos, there's Cherlyn who despite her age and lack of "experience", showed such maturity and wisdom during our praying over session that I just knew it was guided by the Holy Spirit. She was amazing. Then there's a teen who asked who came up with the HELP letter idea because his dad had not spoken to him in 2 yrs before that letter. And Richard pointed out someone who needed a little support and I just went over during the session and put my arm around him and just sat there beside him. I think there're so many wonderful things that happened during the camp and it not only benefitted the teens but all of us adult & youth facils as well. I just wanna thank you God, from the bottom of my heart for this experience for all of us. Thank you.

Grad Trip - Egypt 2006

I'm finally back for those who didn't know. It's amazing how 18 days have passed and I've done so many things that the first day seemed to be so distant. I hesitated to blog about it cos I don't think I rem everything and to be honest, I'm feeling really lazy. So instead of giving all the details, I'll just recount some highlights:

• seeing "The Sail" in Dubai (though it wasn't as impressive as I expected)
• Seeing the pyramids (not as impressive as in postcards or documentaries), remples and other historical sites (e.g. Cairo Museum - King Tut's tomb is impressive!)
  
• Camping out in the Black Desert (including watching the beautiful sunset & waking up frozen)
• Camping out in the White Desert (seeing all the sand formations and shitting in the desert)
• Playing Cricket in the desert (I feel like picking up the sport! *thank you aussies & kiwis!)
• Swimming in a cold spring (though the floor was super slimy!)
• Swimming among jellyfish in the freezing Red Sea!
• Snorkeling in the Red Sea (a big acheivement considering I was clinging onto the freaking ladder on the ship when I started out...)
• Cheonging at Ministry of Sound @Red Sea
• Surviving 2 days on a Felucca - something like a sailboat - which sailed along the River Nile (waded in the water but did not swim for fear of getting the virus spread by the water snails!)

Wow...that sounds like quite a bit already right? Plus the company...you guys have been wonderful. Thanks for being patient & understanding especially when I was grumpy or being difficult. Must say that I enjoyed myself. If there is one thing I must say about Egypt, it's that it is a land of extremes. The weather - can be super hot & then super cold (especially in the desert); the people - some are nice but there are many a**holes who pissed the hell out of me cos they cheated us, harrassed us, keep asking us for baktish (spelling?) which is basically tips. It was so bad that I actually fantasized about tripping this kid who was like a freaking leech. The flies is another thing I will not miss about Egypt - wah lau eh...they fly all over u lor! I guess the best part of Egypt I loved is Hurghada which is the most 'touristy' city and also the cleanest I guess. The memories of the Red Sea & MOS served to make it the best city in my opinion. The historical sites didn't hold much interest after the first few, although our aspiring Archaelogist, Mr KTTH was excited with every "tem-bull" as the guides pronounce "temple". Overall, I must say that this holiday is one that I will always rem. It has pushed me so that I know I can survive a little rough & tough. The company made it great. Egypt is a great country, though many things did irk me (mostly the group of *ucked up ppl). I have struck Egypt off as a country I have visited and I doubt I will be back. But thank you all the nice ppl, places, nan, kes, char, jacy & ben for a memorable holiday :) will be starting work in July. Before that, there's Concamp & FOC to look forward to. Here's to the last month of freedom. God bless one and all.

Bangkok & soon-to-be Egypt

I havent been in the mood to blog. Although life has been beautiful. This week however, things seem to make me feel down, but as always there are ppl to bring me up :D

I liked the Bangkok trip a lot. I don't think I got to buy as much things as I thought I would but then the company was excellent. I also liked learning more about a culture, about the ppl, n just being in another country. I rem something tt struck me quite a bit. Actually it's a comment from Aaron when we came back. He said, "Don't you find it funny going there with 2 couples?" Actually he had a point cos I have never liked being in the midst of couples but I realised that this trip I had successfully mingled! I think it helps who the ppl are and I'm glad all of them were so nice...we looked after each other, which was great. There're a few pics tt I particularly liked but I'm too lazy to post them here...maybe soon...anyway, I realised during the trip that I can be dangerous when I'm alone. Dangerous in the sense that I think too much for my own good. I don't know why but I seem to have an ingrained thinking mechanism that kicks in when I'm alone & can't sleep. The first night wasn't too bad cos I could talk a bit till I sleep. I guess it's also a little like what Brian said about msn...tt sometimes you just wanna logon not to chat, but just to know that there are ppl ard you. Maybe it was the same. It's kinda different sleeping alone la. But it was ok. I mean I have my own room at home so...

I don't know why but I feel sad everytime I listen to the mp3s that I have. Must admit that my collection is limited after my last laptop crashed...so I only managed to d/l a few. All the songs however just make me feel sad when I listen to them. Now is no exception.

Had a social work gathering last night and before that, I had a great time with bao & yat, shopping for Dr Rowlands' present. The whole day was good and it just made me feel happy at the moments, & then (as usu) a little sad as it offically marks the end. The end of this small fellowship of soical work honours students. I guess I don't miss the lecturers cos I'll be back there soon, if things work out ok.

Prep for the egypt trip has been nothing less than hectic and I'm really really broke. In fact, I now have to take a loan, albeit interest-free and probably a loan I do not have to re-pay even if I wanted to. Kudos to Bentoh & Jacq who helped us source for excellent sleeping bags and also accompanied me to buy my windbreaker, track pants & long-sleeve tee. Bentoh has the same taste as me man! Cool! haha...n tt also marks another being comfortable with couples occassion.

Actually there're so many thoughts swarming in my head that I don't want to hear any of it. There's some that're eating into me. Eating away so much I feel that I'm dissolving like an egg shell in hydrochloric acid (rem the sci expt in sec sch??). You know sometimes I really wonder, and I struggle. Sometimes I struggle with my feelings towards myself. Why? why? I rem learning in social geron this sem that one has to differentiate him/herself from their roles. This is impt so that when certain roles are taken away, tt person can still function, won't feel lost. Example is that if a man defines himself through his work, then when he retires, he will feel a loss. And if the loss is extreme, he will not be able to get over it. Sometimes I wonder when I strip away all my roles - son, brother, friend, catechist, social work student, Liverpool fan - then what will be left? The worse part is that sometimes I feel as if when all these are stripped away, I am nothing. I'm just a blur. Just a drop of mediocrity in the vastness of emptiness. haha I guess at times like this, my url name is pretty apt huh?

Anyhow, I'm looking forward to Egypt with somewhat guarded optimism. I will be open and enjoy it. For one, I know the company will be the best I can ask for. Countdown...2 days...

R@LLies

Wow...went for my first r@lly today and must say that though I couldnt hear much, let alone see the speakers, it was heartening to see so many ppl man! To think that some say Singaporeans are apathetic! Hmmm...maybe ppl are just KPO. Anyway, I'm really hoping that r@lly turnouts = votes although this is unlikely to be the case. Anyhow, leaving you guys with two pics and you all compare and contrast.

1. p@p at H0ug@ng


2. wP at H0ug@ng


Fantastic!

The last paper and the in betweens...

I have just one paper left and I just can't get down to starting on it although I'm having less & less time to finish it. It's 60% and closed book so I have to start...arg!

Anyway, some things that have happened in the past few days have irritated me...gonna spell them out here. Hopefully it'll be therapeutic:

1. Got a bloody letter from my army unit stating that I am liaible to be mobilised from 21st April; I got the letter on 25th April. As usual, the army screws up. Apparently, the NUS (so called world class uni) has told them that we have already graduated. Idiots.

2. Egypt bomb blasts: I don't understand these idiots la. They wanna kill foreigners but end up killing 20 of their own people? How stupid can they get? But the thing that irritated me about this is that it puts our grad trip in jeopardy. I hope that all six of us will be able to go for our grad trip, whatever the details are in the end. Think it'll be different if any one of us can't make it. For me, I'm gonna have to convince my mum that it's safe. Of cos, I have to be sure myself as well.

3. CHee S00n jU@n: He's a bloody idiot la. I agree with the ST report which stated that he diminishes the credibility of the opposition. I guess he really has nothing to lose but doesnt he realise that he's turning more people off and def won't be drawing any votes for his party? In fact, the whole fiasco has completely destroyed any hope that SDP has in this elections. Idiot!

4. The tactics of our incumbent powerhouse here in Spore. Despite my respect for most of them, I really despise some of the tactics that they use, especially using upgrading as something to threaten the voters. What I realise is that they will be basically choosing our next batch of leaders la. It's like new ppl enter all the various parties but becos one is in a strong GRC (those not contested, then they're given a 'free ride' into the govt), although those new-comers from the opposition parties may be just as good if not better. I don't like this elite thingy la.

5. Although my constituency will be contested, I will not be able to vote cos I'll be overseas. arg! why did they choose 6th May! hai~ but I will go for the rallies la. Anyway, although the opposition has made their rounds (and I've talked to them), the ruling party seems to be slacking in Sengkang la. Never see or hear from them at all. Maybe they concentrating on Pasir Ris or something. Btw, the boundaries suck la. oh well...enough of complaining.

I just need to study for my last paper man. Somebody Save Me!

Happy Easter!~

Happy Easter!~

Blogger is down so I have to type this out on word first then transfer it later. There’re so many thoughts in my head that I want to get them all down. And since I’m in the mood, which I’m rarely in nowadays, I should pen them down now.

Today was excellent. The morning was spent organizing my readings and lecture notes for social gerontology. Apparently I have 10 seminars to cover and I managed to cover two in the short time I had. Having only two exams really gives you a lot of flexibility in managing your time and squeezing the max out of it. I managed to meet my 2^nd Godson for dinner @swensons at CP. The last time I saw him was actually during Confirmation Day last year. Man, I enjoyed it. It was just basic catching up and though it started off cautiously, I felt him opening up as we went along. I think I learnt more about him during dinner than I had known about him all along. I’ve made a mental note to meet up with both godsons regularly, possible once a month for mass then a meal. Think that’s the least I can do. After dinner, rushed down to St Iggy’s for Ray’s baptism. To be honest, I was quite surprised to hear that Ray was getting baptized, although he had already told me that he was going for RCIA. Anyway, I managed to reach there by 820 (had to take a cab from MacRitchie) and the cab journey was interesting as well. I told the driver that I was late then he asked me why I was going to church at this time. I tried explaining to him what baptism was but my Chinese prevented me from doing a good job. Apparently, baptism in Chinese is something like diao li? Or izzit qing li? Anyway, I managed to share with him about the baptism of my friend and then asked him about his religion. He shared that he used to “bai sheng” but had also gone to his sister’s church before but he felt that there was “too much to learn”. This line kinda struck me quite a bit. I realized that for many elderly, less educated people, the bible may be a tad bit too confusing. I guess that’s why quite a few elderly people prefer to go for Novena and stuff whereby they can participate and partake in God’s presense without really having to read or decipher scripture. Anyway, he ended off with a very funny question – “ Can I drive into the church?” haha…I was quite amused but told him that he was most welcome to! I told him about Holy Cross (which was closest to his place) and asked to go there to experience mass if he wanted. I think it’s amazing! Especially since our conversation was in Mandarin! I always have interesting cab rides :)

When I entered the church hall, it was pitch black but then nat et al. spotted me and I joined them. I must say that the church is really nice. Plus, it was my first easter vigil (believe it or not). I enjoyed it although I felt that it was really too long. When it was Ray’s turn to be baptized, I just felt this sense of joy inside me. I guess it’s cos he has journeyed through in CSS without really expressing the desire to become Catholic. And things didn’t exactly go very smoothly after he graduated but God sure has His ways of calling people doesn’t He? :) I think that it was really wonderful to welcome these people into the Catholic church on, in my opinion, the most important day in the liturgical calendar – Easter! Really glad for all those who were baptized and confirmed today! Something else warrants special mention though it is of much less importance. Thanks to some good friends, one girl now thinks that I tried to hit on her or something because Ray actually asked her if I mind taking a picture with her! Heh. Oh well, too bad for her I chickened out in the end! ;)

Supper at Al-Ameen was good and I really how good the-tarik tasted once again! :) Thank you Val, Nat, Alph, Pearl, Markli for the great company & Mark for the life back home too! I hope we continue to have such things even after we graduate.

Looking back on the week, Wed also deserves mention. First, it was the last class of my NUS life as an undergraduate. It went well, with Dr Mehta showing us “Dad” by Jack Lemon. It’s a really wonderful show that left me in tears. I don’t know why but the end of this class just seemed so normal that it left me feeling a little nostalgic. I don’t know. Maybe I expected more, like saying of goodbyes or like, well I don’t know, people to stay behind and chat a little more? It ended just like that with people just leaving as if they still had the rest of their NUS lives of lessons, lectures, tutorials, seminars to attend. Of course I’m not pinning fault or find it wrong but it just felt so normal that if I had not consciously realized that it was the last lesson, I might not have even noticed the difference. I guess it is fitting that I started my social work ‘life’ with Dr Mehta and now I’m ending it with her. I will miss all the friends that I’ve made throughout these 4 years. I will miss you guys.

We went over to Magicmark’s place to bake hot cross buns after class. Did I mention that his house is a dream? It’s fantastic la! Complete with basement home entertainment center, a nice pond, basketball post, nice paintings and magic cards on walls. Heh. I really had fun with all the people there learning how to bake hotcross buns! I think the making of the dough was really very very tough but I enjoyed it. The satisfaction of seeing it transform cannot be matched I tell you. Plus it was fun la, all of us taking turns to try the different roles. Too bad I couldn’t stay cos of my presentation the next morning. Anyway, reflecting on this past semester, I guess I’ve achieved my aim of getting to know more people and spending time on people as well as work. In fact, I feel that I’ve gotten to know the year1s better, especially Moses, Magic & Ade. They’re really nice people and I like them. :) Plus, I’ve watched more movies this semester than I’ve in year 2&3 combined! I really thank God for this! And work seems to be ok also. Well, at least for now la, cos I’m quite scared of social geron, but there doesn’t seem to be any motivation to study. Oh well, we all have to fight our demons!

I will end off here....

*written 16th April, 2006, 3:02am*

Packed Sat...

It's been good since my thesis was handed up, although the social geron paper did give me some trouble. But somehow I managed to finish it (quality not that though). So now I'm left with 2 exams and then I'm officially a graduate :)

Yest had been a packed day full of non-academic related activities. Started the morn off at ApEx H@rm0ny lodge which is basically a home for dementia patients. The place is super nice and the atmosphere is very relaxed. I think one of the reasons for this could be due to patients wearing their own clothes instead of having standard drab-looking pyjamas. Also, the style of the home really looks like a resort. Even the physio-room is kinda outdoors. Very nice place. But of cos as usu, I wasn't very comfortable with interacting with the folks and kept it to a smile and 'hi'. We sang some songs but I guess our lack of prep kinda showed la. I think we should have put in more effort for it. Oh well...anyway we had lunch at k0mala villa @east coast. The food there is good man and I learnt quite a bit from my lecturer who treated us. She's so sweet!

Chris came to pick me up after that and we went to get the bread and 'wine' for our combined class. Chris really puts in a lot of effort for our lessons. I was so amazed with that break...it looked so 'authentic' plus it was in baskets man. Super impressed. And it tasted great too! Lesson went well although I was feeling a little irritable. Went ok la I think. Hope the kids found it meaningful.

Dinner at hollandV to celebrate draggie's bday was good. haha although the attempted 'prank' wasn't THAT a good idea. But oh well. Then rushed back to church for lentern vigil. Never attended one before so didn't know what to expect. Was already tired so felt apprehensive about whether I could last throughout. I have NEVER ever knelt on my knees for such a long time before in my life. The songs were good though it got tiring after awhile. I liked Fr Henry's session the best though I just realised that it has left me with blisters on my knee! He got us to knee and make our way on our knees, from the back of the church to the altar and then lift up the sufferings of either ourself or that of a person to Christ. It was more painful then I had expected but recalling the scenes from the Passion of Christ, I realised that this was nothing compared to the excruciating pain that our Lord & Saviour Jesus Christ had to endure just to save us from our sins. I can never imagine myself going through so much to save so many who don't ever deserve His mercy. Doesn't seem like a fair exchange but that's unconditional love for you. Anyway, I slept through the entire homily during morning mass though it was quite short. Had breakfast b4 heading back home and sleeping till 4pm. Unfornately, I now have the flu. Sigh. Oh well...it was worth it la, going through all the stuff on Sat. Given a choice, I would do it all again :)

Soccer

Watched the Chelsea match jus now and I realised why they deserve to be Champions. Worthy of mention are Drogba & Geremi who I felt were exceptional. It's when the team is in crisis that you see the true strength of the player and Drogba (who for the record I don't think is a 'world-class' striker) carried the team and they came from 1-0 down, with 10 men, to trash West Ham 4-1. Much more pale in comparison, a rather limp Pool managed to scrap a 1-0 victory over Bolton. Obviously, both teams were not playing up to their usual high standards. You can really tell that Pool derserves no better than 3rd in the league. At current form, even the Gunners deserve 3rd place. Ok...going to see the manyoo-gunners match now...have a blessed Holy Week ahead.

Thesis

My thesis is complete! Also, I rem a joke that Dr Deng told us in a GEK mod that I took. Found it hilarious but as usually I caution that I'm not a good storyteller. Enjoy...


There was once this rabbit who lived in this hole. One fine day, he decided to come out to enjoy the warm sunny weather and as he busked in the sun, he did not notice a fox had sneaked up behind him and caught hold of him! Just as the fox was about to eat the rabbit, the rabbit stopped it and told it to give him a few more days cos he was finishing up his thesis on the "Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves". The fox could not hide its bemusement and the rabbit invited the fox to go into its hole to take a look if he didnt believe it. The fox went into the hole and never appeared again.
A few days later when the rabbit came out to busk in the warm glow of sunshine, a wolf sneaked behind him and caught him again! The rabbit, as he had done before, told the wolf to give him a few more days cos he was finishing up his thesis on the "Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves". The wolf laughed so hard that he almost lost grip of the rabbit. The rabbit once again invited the wolf to go into its hole to view the thesis if he didnt believe him. The wolf went into the hole and was never seen of again.
After this rabbit had completed his thesis, he had a hugh celebration and invited many of his rabbit frens. When they asked about his thesis topic, the rabbit beemed with pride and said that his topic was on the "Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves". All the rabbits were amazed and asked to see the thesis. All of them scurried into the rabbit's postgrad room in the hole in which he lived and the sight they saw was typical of any such room - a large table in the center, paper shrewn all over the place and academic journals lining the shelves at the side. On the right of the table was a pile of fox bones and on the left was a pile of wolf bones. In the center of the table sat a big fat well-fed lion who was the rabbit's supervisor.

Moral of the story? To write a good thesis, the title doesnt matter, the subject matter is inconsequent and your hypothesis need not be logical. All you need is an influential and satisfied supervisor.

Hibernating...

Hi all,

I'll be hibernating now. Seeya all on the 31st of March! Requesting lots of prayers. God bless one n all.

Oh if you guys are free, help me do my johari & nohari window. Esp the nohari (don't have to leave a name) :)

*thesis red-alert*

Sigh. I had the worst supervision session thus far since I started work on my thesis. And about 3 weeks away from the submission, I'm suddenly told that the chapter I just handed up is a 'B-' standard. Fuck. That's 3 grades below what I need to get. Suddenly I'm brought back to my SW1101 days when I got a B- for my term paper. Is the end gonna be like the beginning? Sigh. I was almost in tears man. I was under the delusion that everything's fine. I will be ok. No problem. But I really thank God for my sup la, otherwise I'll still be in lala land. At least now I know. Suddenly I don't feel good anymore. I feel as if I can't write the damn thesis - something I've wanted to do since yr1. And after three chapters, I feel as if I can't go on. Well, I can actually, but it won't be quality work. I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can. I don't know what to do. Everything hinges on this academic exercise. Sigh. Too much hinges on this. Too much.

1st disappointment of 2006

Hit the first hitch today, rather unexpectedly because I was only expecting a reply in April. Was grateful that NGT was the one who delivered it to me. I guess it was too good to be true to begin with and what a dream it would have been if it had come true. But alas, wake up and smell the coffee. Stupid "minis-tree". Oh well, when one door slams in your face, another will open. But the disappointment still creeps in and I will recover from this.

I will.

Linger....

Listening to the song, I can't help but think some verses are what I feel...though not true, it's true somewhat:

But I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

You know one of my previous blogs that mentioned how hard it was to get out of a low but how hard it was to maintain a high? Well, I feel myself making the downward spiral of the sine curve after it hit its peak (+1 I think)...but I'm gonna try to stop the slide. I don't want to go back anywhere near where I was in early yr3. So yest night when I prayed, I counted my blessing (literally) and counted 10 -

1. Sister Marianna forcing me to donate but me getting a plaque with a verse I like.
2. For the confirmation camp meeting that went rather well.
3. For the company of Alan, Ed & Chris during lunch.
4. For the food & fellowship that we shared.
5. For Chris' sharing with me on how he was going through the same thing with his class.
6. For Ade's blog post comment.
7. For the ppl on msn whom I had a chat with during the WHOLE day.
8. For my sis' egg-mayo.
9. For all those on msn who asked me how I was and/or promised to pray for me.
10. God giving me a rather peaceful ending to the day so my mind didn't need to think.
(not all these were the original 10 which reinforces my belief that we've so much to be thankful for)

I don't know if I can keep this up cos I realise that when you're down, the conceptual lens you view life takes a drastic filter that blocks out the good. Maybe I should keep up this counting of blessings every night and thank God for them in prayer.

Anyway, about the first point right, the plaque I got went something like this: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. I still rem the very first time it touched me. I was at Novena with some of my CG ppl in year 1. It was read out during the Gospel Acclaimation. It struck me becos so many times I try to rationalise or intellectualise everything that I read. I've realise over the years that you can't read with just your mind alone, you need to understand things with your heart as well. And most times, you have to Trust in the Lord our God. That's something I hope to rem. As I go through the next few days, I pray that I will let go of this latest struggle and I trust that God will help me through it through all the wonderful people ard me. God bless you.

SS - Sianz Saturday

The past week has been rather interesting. Not as good as the previous or the past few. On the work front, things have been slow but that's the least of my concerns. My mind has been on overdrive again and I think it's not good. My heart is restless which again spells disaster. Worst to cap off, today's Catechism class sucked to the core. Didn't enjoy, in fact hated it and I even thought of quiting. Last night seemed like the anomaly. Had dinner then supper with four others and it was good talking about religion, post-modernism, issues, masks, etc. Really enjoyed my company. I think it's during such sessions that i'm truely myself.

About cat class, I feel tired man. This class is really NOT worth putting in so much effort. Or am I trying too hard? Last year, when I put in effort, the reaction I got spurred me to double it up with more creativity. This year, it seems as if my energy is being leeched on, sucked dry. Man, I can't believe I actually feel this way. Think Kel was super irritated also. Only Carol seemed to be unaffected. Oh well, life goes on. I've decided not to quit (tt's not the way to go) but I will make use of the coming 3 week 'break' from class to reflect and reconsider my role in this ministry.

As much as I hate to admit it, I have a feeling that my reaction in class today might have had been influenced by my emotional state of mind before class. It's never good when you bring baggage in, but then it can't be helped. I prayed, more than I have in weeks, but to no avail. I'll have to carry this for now. I pray for support.

Be Still and know that I am God

That's what I need from God now. Not now. Pls God, not now! It's the final lap and I really need to channel all resources to this race. You know you just can't explain this kinda things. And so fast somemore. I don't know la.

I was thinking about how easy it is to stay in a low but how difficult it is to sustain a high. I hope I don't drop from this high. I haven't been this happy in consecutive fashion for as long as I rem.

Lord, I pray for all those who are hurt in some way, who feel pain. I beseech you to heal these people if it is Your will and to always let them feel your Love. Amen.

Novena -James Swearingen

I watched Brokeback Mountain yest and had a good conversation with Reggie over dinner about it. Wanted to blog about it initially but then I didn't felt like it in the end. Plus the fact that I bumped into lulu balls on the train home. He's my band junior who's really so bubbly that he filled up our time on the train with anedoctes about his life and all. What he did (which he didn't realise) is to make me reminisence about my sec sch Band days. So much so, that I went to find those songs that I really enjoyed playing back then. Of cos, being one of those guys who loved to show off on the drums (despite not being tt good), my top 3 drumset songs would be: Abba Gold, Beatles Forever and Big Fun in the Sun. Esp love the last one cos it's just SO full of drums! However, I realised that a lot of the songs I liked weren't drumset pieces as well, and my pick of the lot is Novena by James Swearingen. I know this sounds damn silly to most of u but it's my first solo, and it was just the Chimes that I played. Super simple. I guess in a way that song showed my progession in the band as well, from Chimes to mallets to Timpani which is what I kinda ended up with (esp SYF competition '97). There's another song I liked - Where the River Flows - which I rem my conductor, Lin Ah Leck, read out the whole story behind the song and I was just so taken in that when I played the song, I actually felt it. The percussion parts are also very dynamic. I wonder whether I will ever hear tt song again. I also wonder about our instructor whom we gave a really hard time but he's a great instructor. When he took over, we were a bronze band, the next competition we got a silver (of cos I cried!) and then my bro's batch managed to get a gold. I think ah lin really worked his balls off to get us bunch of ill-disciplined slackers to work on our skills n all. Also found out that two of my band juniors have kinda turned pro. Not that it's unexpected cos they had the talent since then. One of them I rem more clearly cos his dad actually called me up to scold me cos "my son has talent! he should be playing the drums! Why are you wasting his time?" Oh well, I guess the answer to that is "I'm the senior and I want to play the FREAKING drums!" Thanks to lulu balls for reminding me about it. heh.

So here ending off with my fav song for the moment...Novena...

(there's no lyrics you dumbo!)

Sports News

Liverpool 1 - 0 Manchester United

I've been waiting for revenge since the league match in which Manyoo undeservedly won 1-0 thanks to a last minute goal by Rio. Unlike Fergie who wasn't gracious in defeat, I insist that pool def deserved to win. Some would argue that Manyoo was having an off day; I don't deny that. But I also feel that the pool midfield closed in on the players and in fact caused them to be ineffective. A well deserved victory nonetheless.

On a sorry note however, Alan Smith (whom I still hate actually) left the field in the last few mintues with a horrendous injury - a broken leg and a dislocated ankle. Even I could not bare to see the pain etched across his face. I really wish him a speedy recovery and that he will come back and play his fiery game once more. Best wishes.

I watched the NBA all-star weekend and was kinda disappointed with the Slamdunk competition. I think that the organizers made a mistake by allowing the competitors to keep trying their dunk without penalty. I think it really took out the excitement in it and when Nate, the crowd fav petite 5' 9'' star won, I felt a great injustice. I guess the decision was biased, or rather relative. I mean, I don't think the other guy who worse, it's just that taking into account Nate's height, what he did was an acheivement. In this case, isn't it becos of his heigh that he won. I mean no disrespect, he's an excellent player and all but then just becos of his perceived disadvantage, he was relatively better than the other, although their skill level is the same. I guess that's how the world works - we're all amazed, estonished with extraordinary acts that defy the limitations that are set on the human. Arg...oh well...think I'm thinking too much....arg! I'm meta-thinking again! k la, enough for now...

Life so far...

It's been ages since I blog...and I guess that either 1. I'm been too busy or 2. even when i'm free, there's no mood to blog. Oh well, here's the feeling back again (for now).

The past two days have been good. Had a presentation yesterday and it went ok. Had a bit of fun in the process as well. CY and myself had to dress as shooters in a school massacre, so we wore sunglasses and a ski mask or army jockey cap...in the end the class laughed more than felt fear but thanks to a few onz ones like Eph & Mingfel, the whole class went on the floor, including our lecturer (feeling a little guilty about that). But we really wanted to re-create the atmosphere...and in the end the whole presenation went fine. CY, Ahbao, JT and myself went to celebrate at Kenny Rogers in the end. Man, they managed to psycho me to get two "Kenny's quarters" instead of the "Kenny's half" so we ended up with a total of half a chicken each and a total of 14 side dishes! Oh man, boy couldn't we finish! We even ended up eating Ben & Jerrys after that. Managed to get a present for my sis so that was good...thank goodness for ahbao's sharpeye... :) Today wasn't too bad either, managed to catch Match Point. I think it was quite good, though not something I would call fantastic but at least it had a storyline and I like the bit about how "there are moments in a match when the ball hits the top of the net and for a split second it can either go forward or fall back. With a little luck, it goes forward and you win…or maybe it doesn’t, and you lose”...but then "sometimes when you lose, you win". I guess I was reading a lot deeper, also not intended by Woody Allen, that in life, sometimes you feel that you've been dealt with a shitty situation and have lost, but then it ends up a blessing as something better happens, another opportunity strikes. I guess my interpretation is partly due to the better mood that I am in these few days.

The past week in particular has been good and though there is work to do and all, I seem more relaxed. Even my whole project group seemed rather calm for our presentation and I wasn't the only one who noticed it. I've been pretty happy talking to some ppl on msn as well. Some of whom I seldom, almost never have conversations with, others I see ard but got to know a little better :) My life has been rather packed with concamp stuff starting, cat class going full swing, then the presentation tt just passed, the thesis that I have to finish up by end-Feb, and two major essays which I have yet to get started. Oh well, one step at a time, just keep walking! I hope to really go full swing with thesis stuff and hopefully *cross fingers* will be able to squeeze in Brokeback Mountain and maybe Constant Gardener. Do tell me if you're interesting in catching them. :) For now, have a good week! For me, my term break has started! For the others, hang in there, you'll get it too! :D God bless...

2005

I haven't been in the mood to blog for quite some time now but I guess I should do a reflection of 2005. When I think back to 2005, it just seems like a blur. I mean, I can't really pinpoint any particular thing that was striking and that stood out. I don't know man.

I guess the most memorable week has to be that week in June where I started it off with lunch with Ed at Jack's Place, Bras Basah. I needed to buy material for confirmation camp, so we headed there. We had a wonderful meal, courtesy of Ed of cos, and then set out for NUS, Eusoff Hall. I was just supposed to be helping out with background stuff cos I was in Pub Comm, but then they needed a facil last min and so I agreed to take on this task. Not that I minded of cos, cos it was more fun & stuff and you get to know freshies. I don't think I did a fantastic job as a facil but it was alright. The hard part was actually juggling the roles of a facil & preparing for my sessions for concamp. Really need to thank Ed, Alan & Wayne for helping me to cut out those cardboard boxes for my sessions. It was really stressful on Fri, having had a late night trying to write warm fuzzies and buy stuff, and trying to rush to FMM on time. As always, God sends us ppl to help us and when we couldnt get a cab, Keenan was there to give us a lift. I don't think he knew how much it meant to me - I was just so stressed already and I was going to do the first 2 sessions on Fri! Things went well, perfect in fact (ok, some exaggeration here). The 2 sessions were rather well received and I would like to think, touched some of them in one way or another. Especially the second one. It reminds me of how things don't turn out according to plan (cos I couldnt get darts) but proved to be better than planned :) I think the camp went very well, and it's through this camp that I bonded with a lot of the youth, and a lot of the youth actually felt God. He was real to them. Everything culminated in the H.E.L.P. session when I just broke down and I knew, I just knew it was all worth it. The efforts, the stress, the time spent planning, cutting, whatever, it was all worth it. I guess this would be the most memorable week, not to mention tiring week of 2005.

In terms of academia, I would say that it was perfect la. Of cos I felt the stress, had the doubts, but it still worked out well. Praise our God, who gives us more than we deserve! Now everything hinges on my thesis and my performance in my last sem. Give me the strength Lord! Give me perseverance!

Athough my lousy memory doesnt permit me to rem other events, I can say that 2005 has been special to me becos of the people in my life. I went through quite a bad patch in the early part of the year but as always it's the people around me that pull me through it. I hope I don't have to go through such a patch again. But I guess I will. These people kept me going and I really love all of you guys ya. Some of whom, we're not really in touch becos you guys have graduated, either from sch or from cat class. Most of you I still see in sch. My only hope is that we'll remain in touch for I know it gets real tough when we grad. My only hope is that the frenship will remain. If not, I'll just cherish the memories. And, thank you for them.

Past Few Days

I liked the past few days. Truth be told, Xmas isn't very christmassy for me. It doesn't hold the special significance it did a few years back. I would love to blame it on commericalism but is it the only reason? I don't know. Anyway, the real birthday of our Saviour is somewhere in Jan/Feb, NOT december But I don't think that matters lah. Was quite shocked when I first found out while doing some research for my Heavenly Maths project on the Star of Bethlehem. Apparently the date for Christmas today is actually some pagan festival for a 'sun god'. How ironic.

Anyway, Xmas was simple enough. The day of fun for me was on the 23rd of Dec. Finally had our class outing and though they were only 7 of us, I had great fun. You know, there's always something about East Coast that I love and I really hope their new masterplan don't screw things up. Less is more.
Anyway, we met early on Fri and had breakfast with Darry first. Got some stuff from Cold Storage and met the rest. Thanks to Darry, I now know a much faster and cheaper way to get to ECP on weekdays. heh!
The greatest acheivement for the day was teaching Cher how to cycle although most of the credit has to go to Charles lah cos his 'push & let her fall' method was much more effective than mine 'hold on to the bike & not let her fall' technique. heh. You see, I told you guys I can't let go one :p
Anyway, the entertaining part was Bern & Cher and their lack of control la. My fav was Bern who bladed down a slope and had to grab a sign to stop but...the sign dropped. muhahaha. Anyway, both of them were fine. Only thing was we had to cycle/blade in the rain, which was in fact fun! heh...really enjoyed myself. I should go ECP more often man.

Anyway, I came back with lots of presents & stuff and was really surprised to get a Dockers wallet too man. I hope that didn't cost you a bomb ya gal :D oh and I got this new latest Hesheys choc which is shaped like potato chips...damn cool & really tasty man! Think it will only come to Spore some time later...

I hope we'll keep in touch. It's the year after graduation that really tests whether the frenship will last.

My Xmas Break

Finally, I'm going to take a break! After spending most of the hols busy with thesis interviews, I'm going to take a break till Xmas, at least!

The past few days have been good. Went to Villa Bali yest with Kes, Mark, Ian, Val, Charkwa, & Angie. Really like the place a lot. Very cosy, the drinks ain't that ex (unless you order a lot like we did :) I think I will go back there again some time. Problem is, I don't know whether I will have the time to do so. Have some people to meet up with some ppl b4 sch starts again. Next sem will determine what I graduate with from NUS. God has been very generous in terms of my grades and this sem was no exception. I really thank You for it. So that also means that sem I'll have to fight it out, ESP for my thesis. THAT is gonna be damn important.

Glad that I've been able to juggle social life & work for past few days. Hope to carry on doing that, even this coming sem because, man, it's gonna be the last! Very tempted to enjoy the rest of the hols then slog through the sem...dunno man...oh well see how it goes lah.

Thanks to all those who made my birthday special. Your smses & company are really presents in themselves. Thank you!

Cast Away - a lesson on commitment?

I watched Cast Away again jus now one tv. I just love Tom Hanks lah...think he's one of the best actors around...plus he doesnt come packaged with the arrogance that such esteemed actors usually possess. Anyway, the thing that struck me was the ending lah when Tom Hanks and Helen Hunt declared their love for each other, kissed, got into the car, only for both to realise that there is something more importance than their love - commitment.
I think that is something much lacking in our society today. I mean so much is being said about how the self should be valued above everything else. I shall not go so far as to blame those freaking feminists and post-modernist for stirring this shit but ya...I think it promotes individualism. I see this as the reason why people think of themselves, their freaking emotions above everything else. I guess this is why there're so many divorces these days. I mean if everyone makes decisions based on their individual needs, feelings, etc. then what can we expect?
I don't know. I always see myself as someone who is committed to a cause. And once I commit myself to a cause, be it a project, a girl, or whatever else, I make sure I see it to the end. Basically, my focus in this blog is the girl lah. the project shit is just to distract. I have always seen myself as a guy who once together with a girl, will NEVER betray her trust. But the problem with such assumptions is that you will never really know until you've been in that situation and come out tops. I mean I can always say that when I see a kid about to get banged by a car, I will run and push him/her out of danger just in time but knows? Maybe when the crunch time comes, I'll be rooted to the spot, peeing in my pants, and live the rest of my life hanging my head down low and full of regret and shame. My point being - you'll never really know won't you? Oh well, till that time comes, I'll just assume that I'll be the committed guy who won't betray the girl. Anyway, I got other things to worry about like my character.

It's quite weird lah. I have been wanting to do something since exam time but I procrastinated and then guess what? When I thought about it again...it happened without me doing anything! It kinda got me excited but then I think when such things happen, my stupid mind tends to make a molehill out of nothing (I intentionally used this adapted version of the idiom fyi) and I kinda started thinking lah. SIgh. I sure hate thinking but I sure can't help it! Anyway, hope to take it slow and see how it goes lah.

I have completed two interviews. I almost teared in the 2nd one. I'm learning but I feel drained too cos of the processing of the interview. Sigh. Another one tomorrow, then it's almost consecutive on tues, wed, thurs, then Sat again. Oh well, the faster the better, I guess.

I lack a social life. You know how you make plans during exam time but then screw everything up thereafter? Kinda sad cos I think I will be missing the retreat cos of the interviews. Might not be going for Mambo either. Then, oh well...thinking of giving Xmas Bash a miss though I'll feel bad lah. Will see how it goes lah. At least I'm spending time with my family.

I miss the songs on my old laptop but unless I get the special adaptor to plug into the Hard Disk, I doubt I will be seeing them for quite some time...oh well...
I miss Collide by Howie Day (I will forever associate it with Jon)
and Everything by Lifehouse...

find me here
speak to me
i want to feel you
i need to hear you
you are the light
that is leading me
to the place where
i find peace again
you are the strength
that keeps me walking
you are the hope
that keeps me trusting
you are the life to my soul
you are my purpose
you are everything
and how can i
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this
you calm the storms
you give me rest
you hold me in your hands
you won't let me fall
you still my heart
and you take my breath away
would you take me in
would you take me deeper now
'cause you're all i want
you are all i need
you are everything
everything

I'm just thinking of you now.

Research begins...busy in church...

I start my first thesis research interview tomorrow and I'm feeling kinda apprehensive. It's something I've been waiting to do since yr1/2 cos a thesis is something I always wanted to do since coming into NUS. Oh well...hope it goes well though.

Been busy with church stuff these 2 weeks...not really everyday but still it's kinda on my mind...another meeting tomorrow...hope it goes well...

Was in the car just now and one of my fav songs played...it reminds me of my yr1 sem1 days sitting in 'Hell' with xiaobai n having a fag. I think it was so much more laid back then...I think after yr1 I stopped hanging out so much...k maybe stopped only in yr3...can't rem...anyway...here's one of my fav songs...just so love his low voice...

Wherever You Will Go - The Calling

So lately, I've been wonderin
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own

[Chorus:]
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
Well I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you

[Chorus]

Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart and your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time

[Chorus]

If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go

3rd last exam of Uni life; this sem is over...

It didn't really occur to me that I had two more exams left in my uni life till quite late...anyway finished my exams today and went to Dragon Gate at Harbourfront to eat Dim Sum buffet...it was ok lah considered the fact that we paid 15 bucks only...had quite a good time...then went Paulaner with CY n Ling; Francis came later. Drank 1litre of Munich Dark...beer expert CY could even taste that it was freshly brewed but it didnt fail to make my day lah - good company, good beer.

Anyway, my whole honours cohort took a group pic after our last paper today. Didn't really strike me but it'll be the last time all 29 of us are together. Next sem, there're no compulsory mods so we won't see everyone, plus one and possibly another will be graduating. I think I will miss this semester, though I didn't really get to know everyone? It's a little too late for that; some ppl in class will still have that mysterious veil covering them, in my eyes.


Social Work Honours Class 05/06

Took this other pic when we were at Dragon Boat...heh...according to surely...it looks like I have my own fan club already :p


Cheerio!

Mambo Mood?

This is really weird but on the way back from church I heard "Love changes (everything)" on the radio and then I just felt like in the Mambo mood again. It's been a long time since I had the craving and even longer since I actually went. Listening to my fav song "Summer Rain" now just adds to it. I have to go after exams. K for now...in the midst of the exams (or rather the beginning)...here's Love Changes (everything) by Climie Fisher...

I was only seventeen when she looked at me that way
Seems like yesterday
I was only foolin' 'round but she stole my heart away
I've never been the same

I felt the strangest feeling like a raging fire it burned
She left I cried for weeks and
I can't forget her or the lesson that I learned

Love changes, changes everything
Love makes you fly it can break your wings
Love changes, changes everything
Love makes the rules from fools to kings
Love changes, love changes everything

Then the years went rollin' by
I grew up and moved away
Had to earn my pay
Found another lover then
But my heart is sad to say
It only ended up the same way

And I wondered was I destined to spend my life alone
Oh girl you answered my question
This time it's working you've given me new hope

Love changes, changes everything
Love makes you fly it can break your wings
Love changes, changes everything
Love makes the rules from fools to kings
Love changes, love changes everything

I've seen the way love shakes ya makes ya break ya
It's got a power of it's own

Love changes, changes everything
Love makes you fly it can break your wings
Love changes, changes everything
Love makes the rules from fools to kings
Love changes, love changes everything

17 years of studying...

I decided to take a break from studying. Since 3pm...no mood lah...I think that after 17 years of studying, I've hit the saturation point...thank goodness for the 2 years 'break' in the army.

2 yrs - PAP Kindergarden
6 yrs - St Gabs Pri
4 yrs - St Gabs Sec
2 yrs - NYJC (1st 3 months); NJC (remaining time)
3 yrs - NUS (thus far)

I was trying to think back to my fav schooling time but I can't decide bet. sec sch & jc. Maybe in terms of being the most carefree it has to be NYJC since it was the 1st 3 months, I didn't do any readings and all you do is have fun! Of cos there were the few times I got into trouble with authority lah...don't know why but though I stayed a 5 mins walk from NY, I was almost always late...and everytime I walked on the grass across from one block to another, I was caught, thus I served my fair share of detentions (for those who don't know, NY had this stupid policy of not being allowed to walk on the grass though there were like benches in the middle!). Anyway, I liked that time cos it was carefree lah. No pressure.

Kindergarden & Pri sch was kinda insignificant in my opinion cos I don't remember much. I seriously don't see how some of my frens made then could even rem who I am or what I look like. I mean, to be honest, I don't rem a single one of them (esp so for kindergarden)...for Pri sch i rem only those who had been from Pri. 1C-5C with me; those from Pri. 6B I remember only those who went on to St Gabs Sec with me. I do of cos have memories of pri sch lah, like of writing super duper no. of lines though I was a Prefect and playing soccer with Milo caps (from waterbottles)...I don't know whether guys from other schs did the same?

Anyway, in Sec sch...I seriously don't remember studying very hard or often...it was only during the exam time that I really went full swing...I still rem copying A Maths hw almost everyday at the prefect room in the morning. I think that was the only subject tt required constant work. I think I enjoyed my days in sec sch cos of the band. We had practices like every Tues, Thurs, Fri & Sat and then we'll hang out after that - either soccer or Kopitiam. I rem getting upset over grades but I don't think it got to me much. Of cos all the perks of being an all-guy sch holds :)

In NJ things were rather different cos it's a more mugger atmosphere, esp when compared to NY. I was blessed however to get a class comprising mostly 2nd intakers and most of the class are those I can click n hang out with. I think all my gd JC frens have seen me cry at one time or another and I've seen most of them (gals only) cry too. So many memories man. The only sucky part was of cos the very reason I was in NJ - academia. Oh well, I guess the important thing is that I made it to NUS though barely.

And of cos NUS...will save this reflection to the time when I grad...which happens to me coming soon...k shall end off with a quote I saw in my readings...found it hilarious:

"Men, I want you to fight vigorously and then run. And as I am a little bit lame, I'm going to start running now."

Gen. George Stedman,

U. S. Army (Civil War)

The Last Day of the Sem

And so the first sem of my year 4 life ends...

it started off fucked up. The stupid photocopying room was full of freaking useless technological gadgets...first the freaking feeder kept jamming...I mean if it can't freaking work why put it in use in the first place?? Then I thought I lost my cashcard (why can't stupid NUS allow me to keep my matricard which had the cashcard?) and searched for it like a fool only to realise it was in the damn cashcard machine...then the stupid stapler thingy couldn't freaking work properly...my anger just started accumulating till I felt I was gonna explode. Sorry to ahbao n carol who had to see it.

Anyway, it got better lah. Had a nice surprise when Dr Ng gave me a nice little notebook for doing well in her pre-post test, test. heh. She's a really great lecturer and I hope that I will be able to study under her again one day :) The day ended off rather well with some of my classmates having tea with Prof Ngiam. He's a really great guy and it kinda soothed my nerves before exam mugging starts again.

This sem is different. I realised how focused and dogmatic I had been in my readings the whole of year 3 that I didnt have much catching up to do just before exams. Things seem to be different now. Damn scared for policy. Sigh. Oh well...will see how it goes. Looking forward to the 28th. Then I can start work on my thesis proper.

And so it ends...

As with all the things in my life that I treasure and the times that I enjoy, the ending is always anti-climatic. It didn't end off with the bang that I expected or with the photo-taking session that I was hoping would immortalise the moment. Nope, none of it. But nonetheless I got to take a few pics and I will get to see them all next Sat (I hope everyone comes). Someone said she already miss me, and I guess I already miss all of them too. I don't know how I will fill this emptiness. You know how it is when your heart gets filled with love and then it's kinda taken away? Like a death of a loved one? I don't know if it's the cynicism in me but it has happened before and it will happen again. Can you remember a good friend whom you were so close to that you felt time would do nothing to ravage the friendship, yet now this friends seems more a distant memory than a reality? Ya, tt's about it. Oh well, I'm trying to change and focus on the good things that has happened...these wonderful gems that have come into my life. The ups as well as the downs. They kinda made my life worth it this year, especially during the darkest time for me this year when it seemed meaningless to even carry on. I love them.

It's been a long time...

since I had a full day at home. I've never really resented going to school until this semester. So the breaking point comes after 7 sems. As I toiled away at my laptop, I failed to realised the beauty that lay outside my window. I don't know why (had I forgotten that scene) but the view just looked beautiful today. The luscious green together with the clear blue skies plus that illusive mountain in the background (in Malaysia); I was just awe struck and the scene made me feel serene and happy though I had a paper under construction right in front of me.
I guess with all things there's something to be thankful for, such as for the friends who keep you sane (or maybe insane in the case of some; e.g. Keenan) and who keep you alive. There's a presentation that could have turned out much worse and many other things like having Tock give me a lift home, but alas my feeble mind can't remember everything. What overwhelms my mind now is this coming Sunday, a day when a journey ends.

One Tree Hill / Cool day

I watched One Tree Hill again today. I like that show. In particular I like Lucas; think he's not only cool and good-looking, he has a sensitive human side to him. Good actor. A piece of dialogue struck me (not physically):

Lucas: I had no intention of hurting you.
Girl who he supposedly got pregnant: It doesn't matter; it hurts all the same.

I guess sometimes we tell ourselves our intentions are good then the outcome doesn't matter or rather we're not as liable for the hurt or pain that we've caused others. But is this true?

It's been a cool day. The first time (i don't think there was a last time) when I didn't on the fan at all even at the peak of the afternoon. Oh well, such days only come once in awhile so I made full of it...zzZ

Sunday morning blogging with an essay to write

Most of the morning has passed and I have yet to begin writing a single word for my essay due tomorrow. The fact is I'm too emotionally charged to write anything. Definitely not an essay about the theory of a family therapy and its application into a case example.
It's amazing how people can be 9 years apart and still go through the exact emotions; the same reaction to a similar situation. I guess it's really true that you have to had gone through it in order for you to help someone and to be able to feel it in that person's shoes. How else can we help the person if we can't fathom his/her subjective reality, but instead attempt to apply our textbook teachings into the situation cos "research has shown that...".
I was thinking about something said during CG...that God gives us all we need/want but not directly through the means we think will get will us those needs/wants (e.g. want a gd job doesnt mean we'll do well for all our studies but God still will give us that good job). So He determines the end but the process is up to us?
Last night I prayed, earnestly, for the 1st time in a long time, for God to take away all the pain that exists in this world. I can't take it anymore. Why must pain exist? Why must I see my friends go through pain? Why must people I know hurt themselves in order to feel better about themselves? Why can't teens get along with their parents? Why do people have to experience the illness and death of their loved ones? Why? WHY??
I guess the problem is that I don't know where or rather how to draw the line so that my friends' problems are not mine. But I can't. I feel all they do and it's really getting to me. How the fuck am I gonna be a social worker if this carries on? I will burnout in no time. But I want to help everyone. I don't want anyone to "fall through the cracks" and be forgotten or unhelped. But somehow time doesnt seem to permit me to. I'm really not enjoying my honours year at all. K this may be an exaggeration but the fact remains that it's stopping me from doing the things that I want to do - helping people - cos I seem to be too busy with 'more important things'.



"In the service of love, only broken hearts will do"

Time to get sappy again

It's amazing how much emotions I allow myself although I'm swarmed with work. It's as if God has blessed me with this gift of being able to feel a million emotions at once. The problem being my inability to comprehend, let alone the ability to control or regulate them.
As I was settling some admin stuff for my Cat Class this year, I just couldn't help but feel melancholic. I'm coming to the end of a journey. A journey that I really enjoyed. A bunch of people that I've come to love. And get upset over when I feel I haven't done enough. It actually pains me to have to say goodbye. Things will never be the same. People always say we can keep in touch. But it never really is the same. I really can't curb this pessimistic side of me that all too often builds up speed only for it to brake suddenly and the ensuing momentum propelling me through a windscreen till I hit the ground, hard, feeling the pain scorching through every orifice of my body.
Why do I feel so sad I ask myself. Rather, how can I swing so quickly from one emotion to another like a manic-depressive person? Whatever. I just want this moment to last forever but I know I can't. It's about letting go again. I remember this feeling last yr but somehow it wasn't this strong. I wasn't as close. Not like this bunch.
Something tt saddens me though is one of my teens who won't be 'graduating'. His brother seems to be affected as well. I don't know. Maybe I didn't do enough. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe.

I just know that once end of year comes, I will have lost a bunch of kids I truely love.

You're Beautiful

You're Beautiful - James Blunt

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

Stressed beyond a reasonable doubt

I think that for the first time I felt it again. The rush. The fear. The Stress.
There's so much to do and I realise that bad time management in the first half of the semester is not helping. Next week will be interesting: Thesis proposal presentation on Mon, 4103 essay on Wed, evaluation project proposal and all details to be settled by Fri which means we gotta meet and settle the details, go thru Dr Ng and then (hopefully) IMH will approve of it. Which I suspect would not be the case. We need to get started man. All the other groups are so onz. Not to mention, they've gotten their programs to evaluate. There's so much to read. Sigh. K gotta go now...ciao!

Heavy Thinking

I’ve been thinking a lot recently and the things that happen or I hear around me keeps it ‘burning’. Today’s sermon was just as poignant as that of yesterday. Today’s gospel passage is one of those that I hate. It’s the story of how labourers were hired by the Master to work in the fields for a fixed wage. Then the Master goes out and hires more labourers who start working later. At the end of the day, all were paid the same wage although some worked more/harder than the others. I hate this passage because I see it as unfair; injustice prevails. To me, it just means that there’s no point in working so hard – just slack till the last minute and you will still be embraced. I was beginning to fill with contempt as the passage was being read. Fr Henry Siew however provided another perspective, which I found illuminating. The passage is not about fairness or justice (or the lack of it). Instead, the focus should be on the generousity of the Master. Our heavenly Father loves us so much that He welcomes us even though we may join “late”; we all get the same treatment – unconditional Love.

Thus, it dawned on me that our God is One of equality, not equity. Personally, I believe very much in equity – “to be rewarded according to what one has given”. However, our God believes that all should be treated the same; no one deserves His Love any less than another. Maybe it’s the selfish streak in me but I don’t really like that idea especially when put in the context of Christian living. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not doing the things that I’m doing cos I have to but I think that it’s freaking unfair for me to have to do good when others can cheat, manipulate, fuck around, commit all sorts of crimes and then still “get away scot-free” just because they embrace God “at the last minute”. Don’t know what you guys think but that’s what I feel.

On another front I see myself including more people in my “love” list. You know there are certain people that just make you wanna love them. For most of us, it involves mainly our family and possible a boyfren or girlfren. However, over the past few weeks, I’ve seen myself add in several people into that list. First of all, there’s Dusty. Though she irritates me like mad sometimes, I still really love her and when someone shared with me her experience of losing her dog, it made me very sad too because I don’t want to have to face that day. But that day will come, hopefully not for a long time to come. I guess what makes Dusty so endearing is epitomised in what my mum said, that unlike humans, no matter if you scold or beat her, she doesn’t hold grudges and the very next moment, she’ll come to find you again. I think that it’s something that’s lacking in humans. This basic concept of forgiveness and of not holding grudges. If only humans were more like dogs. The other group of people that have been included in this list is that of my cat class kids. Most of them anyway. I guess I realised it today when I wanted to fight for the rights of some of them during my meeting but when no one seemed to share my view I just felt so upset. I realised then that it’s like that when you love someone. And as usual I hate the vulnerability that comes attached with that love you feel. Love conquers all right? *reality check* That’s bullshit. Sorry but I just had to include that statement. Anyway, just hope that I will be able to keep in touch and that they will remember me.

Novena

Brought some of my cat class kids to Novena today. It was their first time for most of them. It was a good and nice experience. I liked Fr's sermon. He talked mainly about gossiping. Something that I myself am guilty of. Something that I sincerely want to do less. I think many of us out there gossip but don't see any harm in it. Well, I think that's myopia. Anyway, Fr said that we shd all think before we speak and the things that we want to share or tell others should pass a 3-layered test:

1st Layer - Is it true? If we don't even know it's true, why bother sharing it with others and spreading it around?

2nd Layer - Is it something good? Is the content of what you are gonna say about some good aspect of a person/event/thing?

3rd Layer - Is it useful? Does knowing this piece of information help or benefit anyone?

I think that many people just shoot their mouths off without thinking or simply spread gossip with others. I guess it's hard to see how words can hurt a person but it does. Maybe some people will only understand when they are the targets of such insults/gossip. To such people I just have to share a line with you:

"If what you're gonna say isn't going to improve the silence, just shut up"

Anyway, I had a good time hanging out with my Cat Class kids...hope that we'll keep in touch even after confirmation. That's something tt I've not been able to do with my class last year. I hope things are different this year. We'll see :)

Can of worms

I don't think I properly introduced to you guys my thesis topic. it's on the burdens and gains experienced by the caregivers of dementia patients. I've been doing a lot of reading and such but i don't think i gave much thought to the emotional issues involved till I attended the Public Forum on Dementia that was held at York hotel today (sat).
There were quite a few instances when I couldn't help but tear. In particular, Dr Phillip Yap from AH was really inspirational. I don't know why I feel so emotional also. Maybe it was cos of the night before (will tell you about tt later). But I had to control myself from bursting into tears at times. Man. This is gonna be my research. I'm gonna have to interview the caregivers one on one. I can't burst out crying then! What have I gotten myself into? Have I forgotten what an emotional creature I am? Oh well. Like the caregiver said, one step at a time.

Wanna share some phrases which struck me. Some might not mean a time to you, esp if it's more specifically related to dementia caregiving.

"the primary goal of dementia caregiving is to maintain the personhood of the sufferer"

"the longest journey a man has to make is that from his head to his heart"

"Mum has dementia and evetually died from it. She was the same as millions of others except for one important difference - she was my mother" (Davidson)

"the only way to heal is to give of yourself in the service of others" - said by a lady who lost her husband at the Nicholl Highway collapse and then her mother (to dementia) 3 weeks later

"if you want to see the rainbow, you have to 1st learn to put up with the rain"

I don't know why, but i think that this thesis will help me grow. I'm sure it will. For now, i'll have to deal with this emotional can of worms that I've opened.


Last Night...

was one of those nights when I felt really drained but no matter what I couldn't fall asleep. To make matters worse, I kept remembering the unhappy moments and things in my life. To really put the icing on the cake, I couldn't express my emptions. You know how you feel better afer crying, it really sucks when you can't let it out (when you want to of cos). oh well, life's fine, could be better but heck, it could always be better right? Just gotta have to make do.

those with no electronic identity have no social identity

the title is from my CS1105 tutorial. not that i believe it but then I really find it damn difficult to live w/o my laptop esp since I dont have a desktop at home. the thing is i cant live w/o technology, not in uni at least. and i realised that i've been so attached to the internet that i usu go online every night now.
the scare starting on Mon when I was summarising an article for my sw4103 assignment and then the screen went all funny. Then i realised i couldnt on my laptop anymore. Sigh. Freaking out. Anger. Then i decided to sleep it off...and it kinda worked till I felt the frustration again! oh man, all my hard work gone! wtf! Then fear....oh fuck... had not backed up my thesis research or my 4103 stuff...how how?? oh well, in the end the nice guy at the service center took out my HD and allowed me to save SOME of my files into a thumbdrive. Thank goodness. At least SOME of my info is saved. Thanks to those who prayed for my laptop...thanks a lot...really appreciate it.
so now goes life w/o technology for some time. My options are as follows:

1. Repair my laptop at Fujitsu service center which would cost $770 (+GST + $80) if the problem is with the main board or $900+ (+GST + $80) if its to do with the screen.

2. Repair my laptop with someone on the outside....might get a quotation to gauge the price but I don't expect it to be cheap.

3. Get a new laptop for less than $2k which would be useful esp if I'm doing thesis work in sch and for viewing CS1105 breeze b4 lecture.

4. Get a desktop (thinking of getting a Dell) not gonna buy those assemble ones cos they don't come with a guarantee and I don't think that's a wise option this honours year.

So what do you think guys? Any advice? Any lobang...pls tell me...thanks!

suspected surprise

When my godson called me on Fri to ask me whether we could meet up on Sat, I didn't think much of it. Till he told me to meet his at the church entrance instead of the canteen.

"why the entrance?"
"just wait there", I was told.

On Sat, it got much more suspicious when Aaron didn't appear at 2 and some of the girls in my class were way too early for the trip. Then later some of the kids in class surprised me with a cake, a Teachers' Day cake. My goodness, I'm a teacher! Well, it really was a pleasant surprise though I suspected something was up already. Thanks to Darry, Charles, Sudibyo, Matthew, Bern, Averil, Cheryl and Cherlyn for the surprise :D and of cos Aaron who helped in the trickery though he couldn't be there. Really appreciate the effort man. And the card was wonderful too. I will leave you with one phrase in the card, my "girlfren" wrote it:

My boyfriend stones, cos his girlfren ROCKS!

Man, I hope I didn't spread the lameness.

There are some people you just can't help but love.

Basketball, Employers, Teachers & Life

On the way back from the airport just now, I recalled how much I liked basketball in the past. When I was in my sec sch, the Band ppl always play soccer or basketball after practice on Sat (sometimes on the other 3 days) and it was then the interest started. I rem cos we had combined practice with Zhonghua Band, we challenged them to a basketball match and trashed them. Their basketball sch team players heard about it and challenged us to a match and trashed us. Then our sch basketball team players heard about it and helped us seek revenge by beating them. Looking back, it's dumb. We shd have just said no and ended the chance of getting humiliated. I guess that's the problem when you're a teen, it's hard to say no to challenges. The two most memorial basketball matches that I played in are fresh in my head. The first is this game my sec4 class played after our prelim exams. It was at the now defunct Braddel Heights CC. TY, Alvin & Zhijie were in my team and we were just unbeatable, which was surprising cos only TY was ever really good but we seem to be making all the shots. The second match was during the time when I played basketball every Fri night with my sec sch classmates during my JC1 days. I rem that the final score was 100-75 (of cos I'm on the winning team otherwise it wouldnt be memoriable ;) and we took almost 2 hrs though the pros take about 48 mins to reach tt score. My shooting was so much better then cos I would practice the trajectory and follow-through again and again. Those were the (basketball) days :)

Someone told me recently that if he was an employer, he would employ me cos he trusted me. It was really an honour to hear that. It got me thinking - I think he is right as in he can trust me cos I would never betray the trust of a fren. Then I began thinking about which one of my friends I would and would not hire if I ever had the privilege of being an employer. It's like you know some ppl very well, how they work, how much importance they place in the work that they do, how much pride they take in their work. Some others are (though friends) just don't make good employees or maybe they'll jusy wayang like in army. Just got me thinking.

CY brought up the topic of teachers recently and I realised how big an influence teachers can play in one's life. Some teachers are great and always talked about when I meet up with my sec sch mates. Peter Tan from St Gabs is one such person - someone who really got me to like and appreciate Literature. Other teachers however are just damn screwed up. I think the worst thing you can do is to put a person down. Don't get me wrong, I think that it's fine if you scold and all but to put the person down and condemn him/her instead of the action is just not right. So many ppl come to mind when I think of such teachers. Selena Tan from St Gabs was like that. Stupid bitch. NJC also didn't seem to have very gd teachers. Or was it my luck? I mean, even during the periods when I tried, I was hardly encouraged. Instead I was put down. It's really damn frustrating when you are picked on, even in the vastness of LT1. Oh well, I don't hold bitterness lah. I just feel that teachers will know how much they can impact on the lives of those they teach. Though they might see it immediately, some actions go a long way.

On a side note, I was really pleasantly surprised to receive two Happy Teachers' Day smses last night. Thanks a lot Cherlyn & Sudibyo - thanks for affirming my decision to carry on in this ministry :D

Life has been rather mundane. Oh wait, but if I had so much work to do, how come I can still attend Arts AGM, Exco AGM, CG, have dinner out, go Munchie Monkey then Spinelli to hang out, etc? Next Mon might be going Paulaner somemore. I guess I'm still not in full gear but if I could have it my way, I want to speed ahead but include all these elements in my life. I think tt's how I want my 4th and last yr in NUS to be like.

Change

It's been a fast and slow couple of days. One of those days when you don't feel productive but kinda productive, do some work but don't do others. Feel happy when slacking, happy when working.
Fri was quite bad at first. Got off the phone with a lady who's in charge of agencies with potential respondents for my research. Seems like I will have a lot of difficulty getting my sample. Indeed. I felt like crying. Then when I saw CY in the lib, God seemed to have sent me hope. Dr Ng had asked him to pass me a registration form to participate in a forum related to my topic. And of cos some of my honours classmates seem to be helping me as well. I'm blessed.
I seem to need lots of sleep these days. 9 hours to be exact. Sigh. I need to work, get started on real work. Not just aimless 'research'.
I enjoyed celebrating CY birthday on Fri...it was gd. SWAPS AGM was errr...well...all we can say is that we tried our best. At the end of the day, emotions still triump over rationality.
Anyway, I'm back from CHarkwa's Bday...hope she enjoyed herself. On the way back I heard this song in the car...very nice song...and too new in fact to d/l :p Anyway, do catch it if you can...for all of you...


CHANGE - by Tracy Chapman

If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and Love,
Would you change? Would you change?

If you knew that love can break your heart,
When you're down so low you cannot fall,
Would you change? Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses, how much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around, makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget, makes you change?

If you knew that you would be alone,
Knowing right, being wrong,
Would you change? Would you change?

If you knew that you would find a truth,
That brings up pain that can't be soothed,
Would you change? Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses, how much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around, makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget, makes you change?
Makes you change

Are you so upright you can't be bent?
If it comes to blows are you sure you won't be crawling?
If not for the good, why risk falling?

If everything you think you know,
Makes your life unbearable,
Would you change? Would you change?

If you'd broken every rule and vow
And hard times come to bring you down,
Would you change? Would you change?

If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and Love,
Would you change? Would you change?
Would you change? Would you change?

If you saw the face of God and Love,
If you saw the face of God and Love,
Would you change? Would you change?




It really struck me. I hope it did the same for you.

Crash: moving at the speed of life, we are bound to collide with each other

It's a movie that I had been wanting to catch but couldn't find someone to watch with.

In a line this movie is about...

all the various ethnicities in America and how they have stereotypes of other ethnicities which are in fact perpetuated by the actions of those they stereotype. Get it? well, for a better sypnosis check out the official website: Crash

Anyway, the thing that I liked about the movie was the fact that they protrayed the different facets of each character so much so that even though one character (eg. Matt Dillion) was just a bastard in one scene, he played a hero in another, being a filial son in another. It's this capturing of various aspects of one character that struck me the most - even the worst ppl on this earth have a soft side to them; even the nicest ppl have their flaws. I guess that's how all of us are - the good and bad side resides in us. Anyway, just wanna leave you guys with this pic I ripped off the official website...shd catch the movie if you can :)

Welcome to Honours Year

As I walked into class for my first lesson this sem, I couldn't help but feel a tinge of excitement. The little excitement faded though and was quickly replaced with fear and high cortisol levels. The fact that so much was demanded, compounded with the loss of fantastic potential grp mates such as CY and Fareez made it so much harder to breathe. Computing & Society wasn't too promising too and the fact that I had no more S/Us left didn't bode well for me either.

On a positive front, my meeting with my thesis sup, Dr Ow, turned out much better than expected. Bad thing is that all my research on suicide & cutting behaviour has come to nought cos my thesis topic is now on the very different topic of caregiving of Alzheimer's patients. Interesting part is that I have to read up on this growing aspect of psych called - Positive Psychology. Will have to make contact with the 4 agencies in Singapore which serve this select but growing grp of patients in Spore. There's a lot of work to be done.

At least it ended off with gd frens - thanks for those who had dinner with me (CY, bao, nan, jon, jo, lex) and popped by (aka scared of cockroach gal) thanks for being my social support. At least I know I won't be alone on this journey.

I'm tired but I don't wanna sleep...

welcome to the new semester. For the record, I have not had my first class yet.
there're so many thoughts in my head now.

myself: there're so many things about myself I wanna change. One of which I mentioned in my previous post already. The other which my fren CY actually mentioned to me last week but I kinda dismissed it. His pastor had told him something about the words he speak shd be about God. The CY went on to say that he shd stop joking n poking fun of ppl. It only struck me today when Fr mentioned it during his homily. What is it that I am speaking, can someone tell if I am a Christian from what I say? Profanities shd be the first to go but I doubt I can control it when I play soccer or when some jerk cuts into my lane. It has become instinctual, almost an automatic response. Is making fun of others good? I don't think so. You may think that they can take it or rather they don't take it to heart but you never know. And there's nothing inherently good in generating laughter at another's expence. The same goes for gossiping. Actually, I don't know where is the line and what constitutes gossiping about someone. I construe it as talking about BAD things behind one's back. I've been guilty of that the past few weeks. I don't know why but I'm not naturally gossipy but...sigh...must try to change.
I want to exercise more and lose weight. Man, I'm the fattest I've ever been in my life but I seem SO comfortable with myself that I don't even bother. Sigh.
I want to read the bible on a regular basis. I think laziness is the reason behind not doing so. Fr said today that it's the most important book you'll ever need to read but why do I choose to read some social work text every sem instead of the bible?
I want to remain humble. Another impt point that CY pointed out last week.

About being single...
I want to remain focused this yr and I'm not gonna let ANY girl get me off track. I guess I've tried to get to know someone better but it's not working out. Somehow tt's the way it is lah but I'm not gonna let it get me down. For the many girls who have been wanting to get to know me better, I'm sorry. Really really sorry. Maybe you can take a queue number and we can meet up like after the 31st of March, 2006? cos tt's when my thesis is due :D
Come on Nick, who are you kidding? Aiya, whatever lah, single then single lah. The most I will join Keenan and have a Double Ordination at the CHurch of the Risen Christ in 8 yrs time :p

About CSS...
trying to wash my hands and keep quiet wrt to decision making or commenting about how things shd be done etc...indeed it has changed...in many areas for the better but in some areas for the worse. I rem telling Alan n Wayne about how I felt I was not needed anymore, that I was out of the "grand design" and Alan so wisely commented, that's the way it's meant to be. That's God's way of teaching us that none of us are indispensible. Life goes on. Time to let go.

About Church & Cat Class...
Henry asked me a qn no one in church has asked me b4, "how come you're not in SALT?" I never considered joining the youth ministry b4. I don't think it's being run properly but shd I join, to try to make a difference? Anyway, looking forward to Ser coming back next yr and hopefully can pull in others like Carol? Then at least we got a core team. It's really much easier to work with ppl on the same wavelength.
I'm intending to bring my kids to novena, prob during the one week break (inspired by Ian). Gonna take a lot of effort man but I think it shd be done. Might try to connect to my previous class too but tt's gonna be MUCH harder to do. Sometimes I ask for too much: that they always feel God's Love, that they keep the faith, that they rem that God loves them. I wonder if they even rem a single thing I told them. Do they rem me. I don't think I've done much for my Godson. He's still so playful and his 'O's are ard the corner. I tried telling that to him then i realised tt I ended up nagging n he switched off. I really want him to do well man. *wake up wake up* I want you to do well.


*TIRED*

Anyway, I will leave you guys with a song. I think I heard this song subconsciously before. Then one morning when I was waiting for my ex at KAP (she was 1.5 hrs late), I started humming the tune w/o knowing the song and only after that did I ask ard and found out what it was...enjoy.

Out of my Head -by Fastball


Sometimes I feel
Like I am drunk behind the wheel
The wheel of possibility
However it may roll
Give it a spin
See if you can somehow factor in
You know there's always more than one way
To say exactly what you mean to say

Was I out of my head? Was I out of my mind?
How could I have ever been so blind?
I was waiting for an indication
It was hard to find
Don't matter what I say only what I do
I never mean to do bad things to you
So quiet but I finally woke up
If you're sad then its time you spoke up too

It's hard being Christian

there have been many times the past few days that I'v had the urge to blog and the moment I go to this page, the urge dies off as suddenly as it came. So many things have happened, so many things I wanna blog about. Most recently, about the sermon that the priest at Novena gave just now. I felt inspired. I wanted to focus on God, love all those ard me. But I can't. It's like I don't know why but I get agitated so easily and I don't have hormones or the rush of blood to blame for it. Then it's just me?
I couldn't have asked for a better start to the new academic year - waking up at 10, mass at novena & lunch with my family. But then, it's always my irritability & tone of voice that screws things up.
Many times it's not the content or what you say that matters, but HOW you say it:
"CAN YOU NOT BANG THE DOOR SO HARD?!?!" as compared to...
*smile* "hey, are you trying to spoil my door?"

I don't know lah but I think it's something that I have to work on. I tend to take the aggressive tone esp when something is done not to my liking. Even when I pose a genuine question to a presenter, it seems confrontational. *sigh* I will try to change that this sem.

It's so easy to be un-Christian in my behaviour. But it's so freaking hard to be Chrisitian-like. So freaking hard.