Change

It's been a fast and slow couple of days. One of those days when you don't feel productive but kinda productive, do some work but don't do others. Feel happy when slacking, happy when working.
Fri was quite bad at first. Got off the phone with a lady who's in charge of agencies with potential respondents for my research. Seems like I will have a lot of difficulty getting my sample. Indeed. I felt like crying. Then when I saw CY in the lib, God seemed to have sent me hope. Dr Ng had asked him to pass me a registration form to participate in a forum related to my topic. And of cos some of my honours classmates seem to be helping me as well. I'm blessed.
I seem to need lots of sleep these days. 9 hours to be exact. Sigh. I need to work, get started on real work. Not just aimless 'research'.
I enjoyed celebrating CY birthday on Fri...it was gd. SWAPS AGM was errr...well...all we can say is that we tried our best. At the end of the day, emotions still triump over rationality.
Anyway, I'm back from CHarkwa's Bday...hope she enjoyed herself. On the way back I heard this song in the car...very nice song...and too new in fact to d/l :p Anyway, do catch it if you can...for all of you...


CHANGE - by Tracy Chapman

If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and Love,
Would you change? Would you change?

If you knew that love can break your heart,
When you're down so low you cannot fall,
Would you change? Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses, how much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around, makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget, makes you change?

If you knew that you would be alone,
Knowing right, being wrong,
Would you change? Would you change?

If you knew that you would find a truth,
That brings up pain that can't be soothed,
Would you change? Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses, how much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around, makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget, makes you change?
Makes you change

Are you so upright you can't be bent?
If it comes to blows are you sure you won't be crawling?
If not for the good, why risk falling?

If everything you think you know,
Makes your life unbearable,
Would you change? Would you change?

If you'd broken every rule and vow
And hard times come to bring you down,
Would you change? Would you change?

If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and Love,
Would you change? Would you change?
Would you change? Would you change?

If you saw the face of God and Love,
If you saw the face of God and Love,
Would you change? Would you change?




It really struck me. I hope it did the same for you.

Crash: moving at the speed of life, we are bound to collide with each other

It's a movie that I had been wanting to catch but couldn't find someone to watch with.

In a line this movie is about...

all the various ethnicities in America and how they have stereotypes of other ethnicities which are in fact perpetuated by the actions of those they stereotype. Get it? well, for a better sypnosis check out the official website: Crash

Anyway, the thing that I liked about the movie was the fact that they protrayed the different facets of each character so much so that even though one character (eg. Matt Dillion) was just a bastard in one scene, he played a hero in another, being a filial son in another. It's this capturing of various aspects of one character that struck me the most - even the worst ppl on this earth have a soft side to them; even the nicest ppl have their flaws. I guess that's how all of us are - the good and bad side resides in us. Anyway, just wanna leave you guys with this pic I ripped off the official website...shd catch the movie if you can :)

Welcome to Honours Year

As I walked into class for my first lesson this sem, I couldn't help but feel a tinge of excitement. The little excitement faded though and was quickly replaced with fear and high cortisol levels. The fact that so much was demanded, compounded with the loss of fantastic potential grp mates such as CY and Fareez made it so much harder to breathe. Computing & Society wasn't too promising too and the fact that I had no more S/Us left didn't bode well for me either.

On a positive front, my meeting with my thesis sup, Dr Ow, turned out much better than expected. Bad thing is that all my research on suicide & cutting behaviour has come to nought cos my thesis topic is now on the very different topic of caregiving of Alzheimer's patients. Interesting part is that I have to read up on this growing aspect of psych called - Positive Psychology. Will have to make contact with the 4 agencies in Singapore which serve this select but growing grp of patients in Spore. There's a lot of work to be done.

At least it ended off with gd frens - thanks for those who had dinner with me (CY, bao, nan, jon, jo, lex) and popped by (aka scared of cockroach gal) thanks for being my social support. At least I know I won't be alone on this journey.

I'm tired but I don't wanna sleep...

welcome to the new semester. For the record, I have not had my first class yet.
there're so many thoughts in my head now.

myself: there're so many things about myself I wanna change. One of which I mentioned in my previous post already. The other which my fren CY actually mentioned to me last week but I kinda dismissed it. His pastor had told him something about the words he speak shd be about God. The CY went on to say that he shd stop joking n poking fun of ppl. It only struck me today when Fr mentioned it during his homily. What is it that I am speaking, can someone tell if I am a Christian from what I say? Profanities shd be the first to go but I doubt I can control it when I play soccer or when some jerk cuts into my lane. It has become instinctual, almost an automatic response. Is making fun of others good? I don't think so. You may think that they can take it or rather they don't take it to heart but you never know. And there's nothing inherently good in generating laughter at another's expence. The same goes for gossiping. Actually, I don't know where is the line and what constitutes gossiping about someone. I construe it as talking about BAD things behind one's back. I've been guilty of that the past few weeks. I don't know why but I'm not naturally gossipy but...sigh...must try to change.
I want to exercise more and lose weight. Man, I'm the fattest I've ever been in my life but I seem SO comfortable with myself that I don't even bother. Sigh.
I want to read the bible on a regular basis. I think laziness is the reason behind not doing so. Fr said today that it's the most important book you'll ever need to read but why do I choose to read some social work text every sem instead of the bible?
I want to remain humble. Another impt point that CY pointed out last week.

About being single...
I want to remain focused this yr and I'm not gonna let ANY girl get me off track. I guess I've tried to get to know someone better but it's not working out. Somehow tt's the way it is lah but I'm not gonna let it get me down. For the many girls who have been wanting to get to know me better, I'm sorry. Really really sorry. Maybe you can take a queue number and we can meet up like after the 31st of March, 2006? cos tt's when my thesis is due :D
Come on Nick, who are you kidding? Aiya, whatever lah, single then single lah. The most I will join Keenan and have a Double Ordination at the CHurch of the Risen Christ in 8 yrs time :p

About CSS...
trying to wash my hands and keep quiet wrt to decision making or commenting about how things shd be done etc...indeed it has changed...in many areas for the better but in some areas for the worse. I rem telling Alan n Wayne about how I felt I was not needed anymore, that I was out of the "grand design" and Alan so wisely commented, that's the way it's meant to be. That's God's way of teaching us that none of us are indispensible. Life goes on. Time to let go.

About Church & Cat Class...
Henry asked me a qn no one in church has asked me b4, "how come you're not in SALT?" I never considered joining the youth ministry b4. I don't think it's being run properly but shd I join, to try to make a difference? Anyway, looking forward to Ser coming back next yr and hopefully can pull in others like Carol? Then at least we got a core team. It's really much easier to work with ppl on the same wavelength.
I'm intending to bring my kids to novena, prob during the one week break (inspired by Ian). Gonna take a lot of effort man but I think it shd be done. Might try to connect to my previous class too but tt's gonna be MUCH harder to do. Sometimes I ask for too much: that they always feel God's Love, that they keep the faith, that they rem that God loves them. I wonder if they even rem a single thing I told them. Do they rem me. I don't think I've done much for my Godson. He's still so playful and his 'O's are ard the corner. I tried telling that to him then i realised tt I ended up nagging n he switched off. I really want him to do well man. *wake up wake up* I want you to do well.


*TIRED*

Anyway, I will leave you guys with a song. I think I heard this song subconsciously before. Then one morning when I was waiting for my ex at KAP (she was 1.5 hrs late), I started humming the tune w/o knowing the song and only after that did I ask ard and found out what it was...enjoy.

Out of my Head -by Fastball


Sometimes I feel
Like I am drunk behind the wheel
The wheel of possibility
However it may roll
Give it a spin
See if you can somehow factor in
You know there's always more than one way
To say exactly what you mean to say

Was I out of my head? Was I out of my mind?
How could I have ever been so blind?
I was waiting for an indication
It was hard to find
Don't matter what I say only what I do
I never mean to do bad things to you
So quiet but I finally woke up
If you're sad then its time you spoke up too

It's hard being Christian

there have been many times the past few days that I'v had the urge to blog and the moment I go to this page, the urge dies off as suddenly as it came. So many things have happened, so many things I wanna blog about. Most recently, about the sermon that the priest at Novena gave just now. I felt inspired. I wanted to focus on God, love all those ard me. But I can't. It's like I don't know why but I get agitated so easily and I don't have hormones or the rush of blood to blame for it. Then it's just me?
I couldn't have asked for a better start to the new academic year - waking up at 10, mass at novena & lunch with my family. But then, it's always my irritability & tone of voice that screws things up.
Many times it's not the content or what you say that matters, but HOW you say it:
"CAN YOU NOT BANG THE DOOR SO HARD?!?!" as compared to...
*smile* "hey, are you trying to spoil my door?"

I don't know lah but I think it's something that I have to work on. I tend to take the aggressive tone esp when something is done not to my liking. Even when I pose a genuine question to a presenter, it seems confrontational. *sigh* I will try to change that this sem.

It's so easy to be un-Christian in my behaviour. But it's so freaking hard to be Chrisitian-like. So freaking hard.

St Anne's Feastday & Funfair '05

I had fun today. Comparing myself back to last year when alan and myself got a shady deal - wearing this lime-green polo-tee and having to become the fatigue party: the team of macho men in tight tees who you can summon to clear rubbish, get u drinks or clear your table. This year, the CP3s had to man the Frog Jump game stall. It was fun. Hot though but the thing I was most pleased with is that EVERY single person in my cat class went. I was suspecting that Kenneth might find an excuse to run off, Melvin, Watson & Wilson won't show and Fabiola might be too tired to come. Was really pleasantly surprised when all came and all helped out even if it was for a short while. Thanks a million to those like Wayne & MarkC who helped out even though they didn't need to. Ed & Peter, thanks for ur dedication n big heart for helping out so long. I liked it cos this year, the kids ran the show lah and I could just slack at the back :)
Had a gd time walking about n all too.
*side track*
have to tell you guys a pick-up line that came to my mind yest. I tried tripping one of the girls in my cat class cos she was suaning me then it occured to me.
First I try to trip the girl. Then she'll prob ask, "why did you do that???" Then I say, "Cos I want you to fall for me!" :D and give a goofy grin (the kind Maurice is great at).
The prob with this was that I verbalised it to my cat class kids and now they insist that I'm trying to get Cheryl to fall for me. Oh man, my mistake, my mistake.
*back to funfair*

Went home rather tired but had to stay awake so that I could reach church by 430pm for the procession rehearsal. The statue which my cat class kids had to carry was heavy man; my arms were trembling when Anthony and myself shifted it. I'm quite proud that all 8 of them - Dion, Sudi, Darry, Charles, Averil, Bern, Cherlyn & Cheryl - managed to pull it off. Saw them struggling but in the end they managed to pull thru. heh. Mass was good and overall, it was a good day. Good Day.

Had dinner at KFC in Compasspoint with 6 of them and chatted for awhile, n let the guys show me some magic card tricks. Then escorted Sudi, Charles, Cherlyn & Cheryl to grab a cab. All 4 of them squeezed at the back :)

Interacting with them, talking to them, hanging out with them made me think about myself when I was their age. When I attended catechism. Sadly, I don't rem ANYone in my class. I was shy back then; talking to girls was something like a last resort thing and I could never be myself when with them. I wish I were more sociable and outspoken then. Maybe I would have made more frens, maybe I would have been more popular, maybe I would have more female frens, maybe. Then I think about the other ppl in my class, about the quieter ones. The ones who are as shy as, if not more shy than I was back then. I guess that's the reason why i try to include them all the time. I know how they feel? And it's a good thing cos once you've been there you know how it feels and you'll want to make them feel comfortable, that they're important and include them in the things u do. Sometimes, things can get dominated by the more prominent ppl in the class n the rest are left out. I guess tt's why I was shy in the past. Just glad that I'm close to the kids. Gonna make an effort to reach out to the rest. k tired sia~ next week will be intensive research. tt's my promise to myself. here's to 100 years of Mugging - NUS!!!

Of Tuesdays, emotions, selfishness and songs.

Finally managed to catch Tuesdays with Morrie on Hallmark channell and I must admit it was rather embarrassing. Holding back tears in front of my mum and sis. Even during the first part when my mum asked rather ignorantly:" he's gonna die right?" I burst into tears and half laughing and crying I burst out "yes, yes..." It's a good show lah. I want to read it again but I realised I lent it to someone and the person hasn't returned. The best part is that I can't rem who I lent it to. :(

reading blogs lead me to think...

1. I don't consider myself an MCP. I believe that girls are equal, if not superior to guys in most areas. With the obvious exception of driving of cos. I don't mind opening doors, giving way etc etc to girls without thinking twice. BUT I don't like it when girls take it as a given that it MUST be the way. I don't know about you guys lah but I think it rather hypocritical if girls demand equality and still expect all these things to be done. Doesn't equality mean both genders (notice the use of gender as compared to sex) does not have to be 'served' by the other?
Taking this argument a notch further, is there really equality in the judicial system? Doesn't anyone realise that our legal system is biased against guys, especially in divorce proceedings. I think times have changed and with more women working instead of home-making, these same laws which was legislated to protect them should be revised.

2. I took this part off the comment I left on Surely's blog :p
Many things in life are relative I guess and knowing someone else out there is worse off than you never fails to make most feel better. Don't you realise there's something inherently selfish in that statement? Human nature I guess. I'm guilty of that too. I didnt make this statement to judge anyone ya so don't misunderstand. I just realised it lah. Many a times I feel better knowing that there are others going thru what I am or worse off than me. What do you think?

ANyway, tomolo is St Anne's Food & Funfair...hope it's fun!! I'm helping out in the FrogJump Game Stall.

Leave you guys with a song:

Everything -Lifehouse (Smallville Soundtrack)

Find me here, speak to me

I want to feel you, I need to hear you

You are the light that's leading me to the place

Where I find peace again

You are the strength that keeps me walking

You are the hope that keeps me trusting

You are the life to my soul

You are my purpose

You're everything

And how can I stand here with you

And not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this

You calm the storms and you give me rest

You hold me in your hands

You won't let me fall

You still my heart and you take my breath away

Would you take me in, take me deeper now

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this

Cause you're all I want, you're all I need

You're everything, everything

You're all I want

You're all I need

You're everything, everything

You're all I want

You're all I need

You're everything, everything

You're all I want

You're all I need

Everything, everything

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be any better any better than this

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this


I hope to be able to sing this song and mean what it says, one day. One day.

Frustration / Poem

I feel quite frustrated now. Wanna screw everything but I can't. I'm both hard-hearted and soft-hearted. Hard-hearten enough to feel like screwing it all but bitching about it. But soft-hearted enough to still go on with it and endure. According to the Law of Noncontradiction, I shouldn't exist.
The following poem (though I think it sounds more like a song) was written by my former cat class student...

“Liar,” I scream, “Liar!” again.
The drums began rolling
Now I’m in the game
How I’ve sought injustice;
Now living it well
Thought I’ll die shattered?
Your tongue swells.

You live on your mendacity;
Be afraid, they bite.
Like thunder in a storm,
They’ll haunt you at night.

Be fearful, my dear.
Be petrified.
When your season’s over,
I’ll rise from the vault.
Though I’ve never perished,
Your eyes only feint.
This rapport might betray
This odium never expires.

A song of today's teen. Thanks for letting me put this up G** ;)

Hive of activity

It's a been a very busy past few days.

Sat - planning for cat class. It went kinda well. I think it's better when I'm more relaxed and things run more smoothly. mass was at 8pm so decided to head down to King's. watched a lot of Troy first b4 heading down to CarkeQuay and Boat Quay area. Explored this place called Gallery Hotel which is some botique apartment place and discovered a few pubs there. too bad we couldn't explore the swimming pool. it would have been cool. headed down to eski but decided to drink at Hooegarden first. Had a full pint then watched Ian drink a waterfall. spectacular!! then we had a shot of tequila each...sweet. headed down to eski and had a gd time chilling out (pun intended). had supper and a fag with the guys. saw SerP there. Haven't seen her in awhile. Oh well, it's better like this. hung out n chatted a bit (jon n greg we shd do more nights like this) and then took a wonderful bath in the bathtub! I love bathtubs (though this one was a little too small/short for me)!! when I came out, everyone was asleep...n I shared a bed with Jon...how nice! ;)

Sun - woke up with the urge to swim so was grateful that Ian and Jon who initially wanted to sleep more joined us. Barry and I headed for the steambath first, then 15 mins in the Suana and then a dip in the pool! heavenly! after we checked out, I had lunch alone at Raffles City BK then decided to head for the New National Lib. The view from the 14th floor is fantastic man. Checked out the social sci section on L7 and found a few books on social work. Not bad. Sat at this table with the view of suntec, marina area. How to concentrate like that? ;) the lifts offer a great view too...second only to Pan Pacific Hotel's lifts! I skipped the basement though cos it was packed. Hate crowds.
Met CY at abt 3pm and we went to Paulaner Munchen for beer. Went shopping for ahbao's present then ate the famous curry puff. Went to drink beer again and then ate Carl Jr's! It's fantastic man! DEFINITELY the BEST burger I've eaten. Had the super star. It's like the whopper but with TWO beef patties. Of cos, it's damn ex lah...we had to move off so we couldn't get the meal which is 10 bucks (more worth it). My Super Star cost $6.90! But money well spent lah (once in awhile ok lah).
then went back to Paulaner Munchen for the third time. The beer and wine is 1-for-1 from 2pm-8pm sundays n mondays. By the end of the day, I had drank close to 2 litres of beer. It's gd stuff. oh then we were writing ahbao's card n setting up the cake when she found us. What a surprise...for us tt is. heh. but had a gd time drinking n snacking. And once again, Tock, that wonderful guy sent us all home! heh.

I got some good news. News that when I first read about on Sat evening in my dad's car, it brought a broad smile to my face. I thank you God from the very depth of my soul. Thank you for what you have given me and for your affirmation.

Singapore National Employers' Federation Medal (Bronze) 2004-2005
Special Book Prize (Social Work) 2004-2005

I guess this is the pinnacle. Year 4 is starting soon. I will do my best. And all I do, I do it in Your Name. Amen.

thoughts.

Been going out quite often these days. Sch too of cos since I have work to do but haven't been doing much. Been hanging out with CY n his fren Francis. Been playing Winning Eleven at the co-op too. Just came back from a 50 buck dinner which was nice. Just chilling out and having a good meal. Looking forward to the German meal in August! :D
thesis, thesis, thesis. suicide is still on my mind but it's gonna be damn hard to get respondents + the ethics board might not approve of it. considering Caregiver burden too, possibly on Alzheimer pts?
Was thinking on 156 jus now...how stereotypes lead to misattribution but it's more a psych topic than a sw one.
something happened the other day that really struck me. how my words which many a times I don't choose wisely, can affect someone so much. sigh. If someone complains of not having any power I'll tell that person off. We all have some power. The power to affect others, both positively and negatively, with our words and actions. I hope there never comes a time when I regret the words that come out of my mouth.

Iceman? Feelings.

You scored as Iceman. Iceman is a very powerful but volitile X-man. His ego and reluctance to follow orders means that he often clashes with Cyclops. Despite being immature sometimes, he's very popular with the ladies and is an extremely powerful X-Man. Powers: Can lower the temperature in areas around him. Basically, he has a near limitless ability to freeze things and make massive amounts of ice. Iceman 85% Wolverine 75% Cyclops 75% Beast 75% Colossus 65% Nightcrawler 60% Jean Grey 55% Storm 50% Rogue 45% Gambit 45% Emma Frost 35% Most Comprehensive X-Men Personality Quiz created with QuizFarm.com

Here I am again. Sitting in front of my laptop. Listening to my fav song, Collide. Typing away at the laptop. This has become a routine. You know, I guess I like this song so much cos I feel the words it speaks. Or rather it's a wish I have spelt out in a song?
I'm been enjoying myself, spending lots of money and going out with ppl. Something I admit I haven't been doing for a long time. I've been in the AS, stay at home, don't go out mode for a long time now. Glad I snapped out of it. But somehow I feel, at the end of the day, everything's the same. The same emotion I feel. The same emotion since as long as I rem. I wish things were different.
I guess I'm gonna bury myself in work in yr4. I guess the frenships I've made will come undone as the sem, yr passes. Such has been the case a few times already.
I think I thrive on melancholy. It can get you down but it can make life...interesting (?). Maybe it's in my nature. Maybe it's deeply ingrained in myself. But I don't see it as a bad thing. I find it hard to describe exactly what I am feeling now. I just hope God will patch it up.
To better, more productive and most importantly, Happy Days.

Catechism

I feel much better now. I felt lousy just now. I mean I think mass and dinner helped a lot and of cos the company I had. Thank you Ed n Alan. THank you for being my frens and sharing a gd meal and hanging out.
I don't know why but I always get this feeling. More so after confirmation camp when I'm (maybe) a little too chummy with my cat class kids. They sit on your head. It's like Sud and Dion were just talking as if they were in their own world and I didnt exist. Sigh. I like them but this is too much. I know I haven't been spending much time planning lessons but the fact remains that EVERY week I try to come out with something tt is all fun, educational, religious at the same time. So this week it was some crossword puzzle thingy which I kinda treated as a test but it was something different and I'm sure they'll learn at least something from that. But things don't always go as planned. The get to know each other session (which I felt was needed) also didnt go as well as expected. My first outburst at the class. Sigh.
DUring mass, I considered seriously whether I should resign. I choose the word resign instead of quit becos I feel that it's more appropriate. I've given it thought. I'm thinking of stepping down cos I feel that I'm not of much use anymore rather than me feeling sianz and tired. Actually I do feel tired and sianz but I feel it's cos I feel that I'm not doing much.
I'm not gonna quit just like this though. I will at the very least see this batch thru as I did last yr. One step at a time, and hopefully by the end of the yr, I'll know what I shd do.

Dilemma / NKF

Been thinking about how I am gonna spend the last yr of my academic life. I would like to maximise it and all but I think tt I'm much more likely to end up studying like mad. I guess that's the prob when your cap is on a boundary and doing badly in one sem can kinda bring u down one class of honours. As some of my frens agreed, I'll prob MUG. What a way to go.

Been reading about the NKF saga in the newspaper and I must say that I'm totally disgusted with the CEO. First, he smacks of such pompous arrogance that you can hardly believe he's in charge of an organization that depends on the kindness of public donations. Second, he's a liar as reflected in the things that he mentioned about flying first-class and about how long NKF's reserves can last etc. A manipulator could be a synonym to describe him.
I mean how can an organization that relies on public trust mis-use the funds as such? Can you justify using donations to maintain your damn Merc, give yourself a big fat salary and fly first-class? I think it's ridiculous! There are so many other charities out there that need the funds and here we have NKF using public money for their luxury? GOLD TAP?!? I'm just totally disgusted lah. WTF!

Changing...judging

there was something about myself that I liked and that was not being easily influenced by what others said. In that sense, I was independent of others' opinions and stuff. It served me well mainly in the area of judging ppl. Even though I learnt tt someone has this reputation for being such and such, I wouldn't allow it to colour my perception of that person. I was always tell myself to give the person the benefit of the doubt and to let my personal experiences with that person determine if he/she's a good person etc.
What I learnt recently is that my opinions of certain ppl have become influenced by what some gd frens of mine said to me. I don't know why but my actions end up being mediated (for lack of a better word) and I end up pre-judging these ppl. Even if these ppl have been frens for some time. Sigh. It's difficult expressing my feeling without being specific. I just want me to be what I was in this aspect. Give others a chance. Don't judge them. Don't do what you don't like others doing.

Friendster Surprise

heyhey...I don't know about you guys but Friendster is about the best voyuering tool ard to check up on someone cute ;) k but right, this guy added me recently and totally stunned me. His name is Nick Netto and he requested me to add him cos he realised we have the same name. The best part is that he's Singaporean too and NOT a relative. heh. wow...

Sick / Band of Brothers

I'm feeling sick. Had a fever which went up to 39+ on fri when I went to see the doc. Sat was better in the sense the fever subsided but my whole body was aching. Today, things turned for the worse and I have this terrible flu despite taking flu tablets? heh and I can't seem to do anything. Sigh. I hate this helpless feeling. Haven't felt it in a while.
I want to help out for FOC f/u
I want to start thinking/researching for my thesis
I need to rest first

Anyway, I caught the entire series of Band of Brothers and it got me thinking about myself, my army days, the things I did and all. Basically, it was a really touching series lah. I think that I won't be able to cope with what they did. The conditions, the stress, the sacrifices etc. If there's one thing i feel that the army was good at was its ability to reveal one's inner most self. The self that you can't fake cos after fatigue and all the shit that is thrown at you, you just can't put up a mask anymore. As the words used in the book, Airframe said: When the shit hits the fan, you've to perform. I rem the worst week in my NSF life, "hell-week". I rem the shit I put my buddy into. K just to clear the air, I don't purposedly get MCs n stuff but when the shit hits the fan, I don't really perform either. heh. I kinda get emotional n all. heh. oh well...I think that my army frens wouldnt be able to recognise me now. AND i hope that if i were put into the same situation again, I'll handle it differently. I hope.

Anyway, I'm too tired to type anymore. Just wanna say Good Health to all.

My Holiday has ENDED

I had about 1.5 weeks of rest. Well, last week I kinda breezed thru cos I had this surreal feeling - The post-camps (not cramps) withdrawal period (no pun intended). Today, a rude shock awaited - Social Work Honours Briefing: The end of my hols.

Here's my time-table for next sem (excluding one Cross-fac):

SW4101 - Advanced Family-centered Social Work Practice
Tues 9-12noon AS6/0209
SW4102 - Advanced Social Policy and Planning
Fri 4-7pm AS6/0209
SW4103 - Advanced Research and Evaluation
Wed 9-12noon AS6/0209

Man, so far it looks like I was be missing Fri mass!! arg! also notice the fact that I was be taking the 3 mods with the same ppl in the same venue! haha...

k the part that is stressing me out is the Honours Thesis. I just realised that instead of slacking I would have to think about a topic, research on the material, find a sup who's willing to 'adopt' me and finalise everything in a month's time. Man...my heart was racing n pounding with fear and excitment. But the problem is I don't have a topic! Will keep Prof Ngiam's words in mind; I guess I'll have to balance ambition with being realistic.

Anyway, I think I just wasn't psychologically prepared to start work so soon lah. Oh well, yr4 here I come.

Anger

I think that is what really keeps me from getting closer to God.

"I'm not like you Keenan"

This line keeps playing in my head. An incident that happened. The anger manifested itself in words (chinese) and deed. The anger dissipitated almost immediately to be replaced by shame. Acute shame. 6 others saw it, only 2 were not shocked cos they've seen this side of me before. I really hate this side of me and I want to change but don't you realise that it's not that I want to react this way or like it even. I try. I really do. I wish I were more like Keenan.

Supper was good. I like going for supper. More than the food, oftentimes it's the company that really makes the difference. Thank you Wayne for being that company.

I like sitting on the blue bench below my flat. One of the few times that I'm sober sitting there. Thinking. Reflecting. Wondering. Pondering. I like that blue bench. It helps me think clearer when my mind's in a mess. Thank you blue bench.

Food Diary

All patients with eating disorders are encouraged to write in a food diary. This is mine for my binge eating disorder:

Breakfast - Mee Rebus, 1 teh
Had this meal at some Treetop place except that it was the wrong place and we got ripped off RM10 for the can ride. I was cool about it though.

Lunch - KFC Zinger Meal for about RM6?

Snack - Macs Strawberry Milk: Fantastic!! And the best part was the cashier was so friendly! Plus he gave me a 15 sen discount! oh man...

Snack - James got us some Bak Kwa!

All the above food items purchased from Holiday Plaza :)

Snacks - Chicken Nuggest and Pepsi Float from Marry Brown; Crispy Popiah; 2 big Dunkin' Dounghnuts :D [Angsana Plaza]

Dinner [Danga Bay] - Coconut, Nasi Goreng Ayam, Satay, Ramly Burger (beef), Vanilla Coke.

All in all, it has been a great day at JB with the abengs: MarkG, Darryl, Ed, Clemence, Karen, Felicia & James :) Thanks for inviting me and making me feel so comfortable. heh. Maybe now we'll have a KFC session next week? ;) Hope to put up some of the pics we took.

I wanna shop man...anyone wanna go Bangkok? thinking of going there man...heh

Nitez....

CSS FOC '05 & Concamp '05

It's been an exhausting 7 days and I want to share my experiences, the lows and the highs. I just hope that I can rem it all.

Monday: Day started a little later cos I had to go Bras Basar to buy material for the concamp sessions so met Ed there and he being the nice guy that he is, treated me to lunch at Jack's Place. What a way to start the week! Then we had a nice chat and all there before moving up to buy the stuff and then get a cab to sch. Things started off slowly. I was apprehensive as I wasnt sure I was going to enjoy FOC esp since it would be the second yr in a row that I was doing background work and the fear of not feeling the sense of belonging overwhelmed me again. However, as it would turn out, I was needed as a facil and though I wasnt really psyched up or prepared for it I decided to take up the challenge. That night was the worst cos I could not sleep though I was in bed since 2am. Kept tossing and turning around and changed so many positions that I think I kinda outdid the karmasutra but I only managed to fall asleep at 5am. 2 hrs of sleep to start the day the freshies arrived.

Tues, Wed & Thurs: Can't rem much just that had to be thick-skinned and suan the engineers to entertain everyone. Our group was called Tau cos of the Franciscan Tau cross but thanks to me (Secret Agent Yan)...the group name was mis-spelt as Tao...so that I could be called Yan Tao! :p we played lots of games over the days and shared during sessions. I felt that the time bet stations at night games was a little awkward but things got better over the days.
Wanna say a BIG thank you to Jeff, Ed, Alan & Wayne for helping me to cut out the cardboard shapes on wed night for my concamp session. It was a really tedious and time-consuming task. Thank God for sending me these angels :D
What I rem feeling during those few days was the overwhelming burden that was getting heavier and heavier as I found out more bad news, most of which I could do nothing about as I was stuck at NUS. Was getting more and more disheartened. Luckily, God always sends us angels to help us. My wonderful Tau group of [Facils] Hannah, Jacob, Kitty, Justin, [Senior] Mari, Audrey, Alexis, Wayne, [Freshies] Teresa, Cheryl, Albert, Marcus, Lionel & Druce. My wonderful neighbour Jon and all those who dropped by my room, talked to, or even smsed from home (Carol)...really appreciate all of you guys!
Can still rem a bit of thurs: we had the games at West Coast park which was quite fun and hung out at Macs after that. Rem taking the pink ballon for Jacob which he was quite embarrassed about. Hannah eventually used it for Bernard (haha the expression on his face was priceless)! I loved the LOM session. Felt that it was the best session that I've ever attended. It was well prepared, well executed and managed to keep our hearts too. I felt the sharing was also very deep and honest esp coming from the freshies. The acting of Paul, Keenan & Justin was just sublime and tear-jerking. Wonderful job guys; totally awed! Just want to share a little from the passage that I like:

"God beholds you individually whoever you are...He sees you and understands you as He made you...He knows what is in you, all your own perculiar feelings and thoughts, your dispositions and likings, your strength and your weaknesses...He interests Himself in all your anxieties and remembrances, all the rising and fallings of your spirit. You do not love yourself better than He loves you...you cannot shrink from pain more than He dislikes you bearing it; and if He puts it on you, it is as you would put it in yourself, if you are wise, for a greater good afterwards"
- Cardinal John Henry Newman Parochial & Plain Sermons Vol III No. 9

Sorry guys, I kinda shortened it cos I'm too lazy to type but basically it shows how much knows us through and through, loves us and that a greater good will come out of our suffering.

I liked the mini p&w esp the first song "Here I am to worship" which already caused me to tear. Spent some time reflecting before deciding to go for praying over and though Am was one of those praying over me, I decided that it was time to be open and let the spirit work. I'm grateful for all the ppl involved and hope that I will continue in this healing process. Recon was good and I had a gd conversation with this Indo priest whose name I still don't know. :) clean sheet of paper. Anyway, thurs night was horrible. There was so much to do and I had to skip the skit prep with Tau. I walked over to Arts to draw money cos I realised that I had spent all my money! and I needed to pay for camp & return jon. Then from arts I walked over to Fong Seng to buy stuff for my angel & mortal, as well as to attempt to find satay sticks or something else to use for my session. I couldnt find anything suitable. Went back to my room and started work. Wrote warm fuzzies for my 6 freshies & angel + mortal. Then started cutting out the remaining cardboard and then thought about what to plan for the session. I was dead tired and couldnt wake up in time the next day. It was Fri and I had not prep the sessions I was supposed to (at least the second one). I was scared. We couldnt get a cab and I kinda hung up on the telephone operator. Fortunately, Nan was around to save the day and he gave Ed n myself a lift to FMM along Holland Road. I was feeling tired, scared & apprehensive: will things work out right? Ed did the most sensible thing: "Nick shall we pray?" And pray we did. For He gives us strength beyond us.
Session 1 was on Self Awareness and I kinda adopted it from a common CSS activity which I had done 3 times in as many yrs. The kids loved it and it went according to plan. Everyone spent so much more time decorating the outside than on the inside (which was supposed to contain their loved ones, those they value, their principles etc). The look on the faces of all the teens after revealing to them that "it was the inside that mattered, not the outside" really made my day.
Session 2 was on Forgiveness and kudos to Wayne who shared with me the idea. I made this board which had the word Self written on it and pasted onto this styrofoam board. Previously, I had been trying to find darts for the teens to throw at it but in the end I had to make do with a big scissors which actually turned out much better than I had anticipated. I got volunteers to come forward (after some sharing questions) to stab the "self" as hard as they can for a Sin that they rem committing. Up stepped forward a few macho guys who really gave it a go and stabbed through the cardboard. The girls didnt want to be outdone and Maureen stabbed quite a few times too! Then the revelation: I cited a few passages from the bible on how we are many parts of One body in Christ and how all our actions affect those in our community and as I peeled away the "self" layer, I revealed the holes in the community layer and showed then how they have "stabbed" those in the community as well. Eventually I revealed a picture of Jesus in the next layer, also with the many holes on it. "Many times when we sin, we don't see how it impacts others, but it does. And though we don't see it, we hurt Jesus too". Then I went on to talk about confession and how when we go for confession, it's not merely the patching up of holes but rather, it's the receiving of a "clean sheet of paper". We start afresh. Praise be to God. The sessions went well and were quite well received. I really couldnt have done it without Him :)
On a side point, I enjoyed playing soccer with the catechist too. Some of them are really good - Br Robert, Peter & Chris! I think we should form a team soon!
Another thing about the camp is about how close it has brought me to others. My sis is one of them - she would find me whenever she had some problem or needed some help and I like this openness. Some of my classmates - Cheryl & Cherlyn - would find me whenever they see me alone and we would chat. Really got to know them better this camp and even others like Fabiola, Averil, Darry, Sudi, Dion etc. Really love these guys :D
Another session that I enjoyed and felt was good was Ed's "Blocks to Love". The moment Ed started his testimony, I started to tear (thank goodness for the dark room). I was getting emotional and it was all being suppressed. Led my first praying over for my Matthew group that night too and I was kinda glad that the teens were being open. Only one of them didnt want to be prayed over. Anyway, I talked to him in private later and realised the extend to which he was being hurt and the burden of which he was carrying on his shoulder. I really felt like crying then, I felt like holding him close to me and just telling Him that God loves him. I listened to him. I just felt upset and sad that someone had to experience that kind of hurt. The kind of hurt that tears you up on the inside and eats at you. I will pray for him everyday in my life that his prayers are answered. I pray for that stone wall to come crumbling down, and for a heart to melt. I pray for him to experience love, the love that he deserves, that all of us deserve and I pray that God will help him experience the best kind of Love.
Last night was interesting. I became a runner. Someone needed stomach ache medicine, someone needed pink panadol, someone needed to talk, some others needed a quieter place to sleep. I like doing it all for the teens. I don't mind - I love them you see. It was a difficult night: I needed to write notes to those teens in my group, letters to those teens whose parents did not bother doing so, and last but not least to my sis. I took a long time to get started and almost gave up but managed to finish it all by 4am. By which time, almost everyone was asleep.
H.E.L.P. letter Session: We (catechists) were kinda disappointed initially cos some parents had told their children about it and they were spreading it during the camp. But the spirit has His own way of working. Seeing all of my teens (esp my sis) in such a state was really too much for me to take and when I too broke down, it was then that I knew all the sacrifices, the frustrations, the work - it was all worth it.
Last session that I would play a part in - the Sum-up. Dan and I decided to act it out. His part was much more difficult cos he had to be the one 'educating' me. We added in all the points while entertaining the teens with my bhb-ness. :p My sis told me that she enjoyed that session and we hope that it drummed home the message: To Know, Love and Serve Him. It was great working with Dan. Though the whole team had our fair share of disagreements, it worked out in the end cos we all looked to God for guidance. I will end off this entry with what Bridget wrote for me in the bookmark she gave me: And on the 7th Day He gave you rest :)

ME

its very heartening to see u happy u know.....cos u're always worried or sian abt stuff.
Those were the words of my fren to me on msn jus now. It just struck me. Not that it's surprising but... Another fren says that if someone didnt know me and read my blog, I would be mistaken for a depressed person. hmmm...
Actually there is truth in that. I don't get happy easily nowadays but I still am a simple person who is contented with little. I find pleasure in small things but I guess when I blog or share stuff with frens, it tends to be the more depressing thoughts? But I am happy and grateful for many things in my life!
For FOC Outreach!!
For my results!!
For my Family, Friends!!
For giving me a chance to serve Him.

There're so many things to do and I can feel the stress lingering but I still have this belief that I will do it. I will accomplish it all. Cos I know that He gives me strength when I do His work.

Anyway, I don't want to be knowns as a dark person who showed little joy. So I guess I should share happy things/times too ya? Will do more of that...for now...FOC 2005 & Confirmation Camp 2005...here I come!

5 ppl you meet in heaven

I have heard of the book b4 but never read it. I watched the movie jus now on Channel 17. A wonderful movie. Been some time since I cried. Here are some lines I like:

"Strangers are only family you've not yet met"

sacrifices: "people only see what they have lost and not what others have gained"

"hatred is a curved sword - you not only hurt others, you hurt yourself"

It's really touching and sad. But the most amazing thing that happened was when during on of the last scenes I started tearing, I turned to check if my dad had seen me tearing but instead I realised that he was tearing as well and I smiled to myself for that was the first time in my life I have seen him tear (or at least the only time I rem). I used to think that my emotional side came from my mum. I'm not too sure now. :p

the calm before the storm

you know how there is this peace and quiet just before the peak of the storm...like you are at the eye of the tornado or something. That's what I feel right now. There's just so much to do and so little time. In slightly over a week, time is gonna drag by and might even be felt to be inconsequential what I do with it, but for now, for this week till the 19th of June, it's one mad hectic pace.
You know how you start off feeling so passionate and inspired about something only to lose steam and momentum as you stumble towards the finishing line. I guess it best fits my commitment to FOC Publicity and ConCamp. Thankfully, I have the ppl in it to make it easier to bear. I guess for me the outreach experience has taught me independence. I've learnt to rely on myself and do things on my own. More importantly, it has also taught me providence. You only have to do your best and He will provide the rest. So many times we were short of ppl and then God provided like 6-8 ppl when at first there were 2. :) Last but not least, it has taught me never to think that....somehow I don't know how to phrase it...put it into words. It's like you feel lazy and you think that it's ok if you skip the earliest mass (I mean who in hell goes for the earliest mass) but I still go down anyway and I get a name to signup. I guess every little gesture/action counts and if you choose not to do it, I guess you will never really know how it might have affect or influenced others in their own little ways. I guess what I can say about outreach is that I gave it my all, definitely not out of convenience and though I did not hit the personal objective of surpassing MarkG's total signups last yr, I guess I will accept what we have. A BIG THANK YOU to all those who helped make FOC Outreach 2005 such a wonderful success. It would never have been possible w/o every single one of you who so selflessly gave of your time and of yourself. Let's hope most of the signups come for our FOC. :)

On a VERY good note, I was pleased when I realised that I could get back all my old posts in my private blog which had been taken offline some time back as the server for that blog was down. So spent some time reading thru the last few entries (the latest was New Yr's this yr) and felt happy. But now I have a problem. I have two private blogs and I doubt there is a way to combine the two. Man.

Want to end off by thanking God for my results this sem, though it's only 3 mods, I'm VERY VERY grateful for what He has given me. PTL.

And so here we go, a week of activity.

Glad (but tired)

Just came back home not too long ago. quite a satisfying day though I'm dead-beat. Had confirmation camp meeting at Raffles Place mrt and it went well, esp since Ed treated us to Kayatoast & Teh~, then we went for lunch and ate Chicken Rice which was damn gd b4 Dan chia~ me teh-c ice blended. heh.
went down to sch but was super early but managed to settle some confirmation camp stuff...many thanks to Alan who stayed back to help me! :)
then went for the social work thank-you dinner thingy. It was nice and small; we had a little buffet thingy and we ate, talked n mingled in the conference room. I really love these ppl man. Kinda reinforces my decision to cross over to the bright side! ;) (sorry psych ppl) I can say for sure the fellowship that we enjoy in the social work dept cannot be found in any other faculty or major in arts.
Anyway, managed to talk to CG who is doing his placement at IMH under my sup. Appears that the situation is damn jialat this time round man n they even had a trashing out session where one girl actually broke down and cried. Tt's the prob with MH n Vin lah...I feel that their intentions are gd and that at the end we learn a lot but the means they use to reach tt ends isn't exactly what I would call ideal. I rem that it took me close to the end of placement before I finally lost it and gave them a piece of my mind. I lasted a few weeks more than them. I hope things get better for them man. I wonder how I managed to get thru those 400 hrs unscathed.
Anyway, the most interesting part of the evening came when Prof Ngiam the Head of the Social Work dept offered to bring us to his country club so that we can play pool. We ended up teaching him how to play and eventually CY n myself won 3-2 againist Prof Ngiam and Far. heh and we didnt give chance ok! you know I love pool lah but I just suck at it and to go with the lack of skill, I have no luck either.
Oh well, really tired now. gonna zzZZ soon...
thank you God for all these. just help me through all my commitments and I will spend more time with You.

The Beach

how apt a post for this blog ya? ;) and no, I'm not talking about the dog.

In the movie, these group of people believe they have found paradise but what lies beneath this immaculate beach with powder-white sand and crystal clear waters is the attempt to sweep any unhappiness under the rug as is evident when Christo who had been attacked by a shark was left alone in the forest to fend for himself. "it was too much for everyone to take" and "out of sight, out of mind" were some of the disturbing lines that encapsulated the facade behind "paradise". Only Essesien (spelling?) even bothered to voice it out but eventually gave in to the group norm. Can a utopia exist on this earth? I doubt it. The peace, tranquility and beauty of people and places are but facades which reveal its true repulsive center only when its interiors are peeled away layer by layer. It's just how long you take to discover it. And when you do, whether you're gonna choose to ignore it to maintain your "utopia" or whether you choose to accept that utopia does not exist. Not in this world at least.

Busy & Tired

I guess these 2 adjectives would describe my week and how I've been.

There's good in it too of cos as always. It's a matter of whether you see it or not. Saturday was the worst. Woke up early to go to sch to help out with the social work booth for NUS open house. It was real fun. I guess having such wonderful & dynamic ppl in social work really helps. No offense but can really see the contrast between the psych ppl who were blatantly blocking us. No wonder come 1st July, the Department of Social Work would have become an independent department. :) But I guess having all us dynamic and vibrant social work students helps to make up for the lack of interest shown by the in-coming batch in social work. I mean this in relative terms, especially when compared to psych; psych automatically draws ppl in, we have to draw ppl to our booths. Anyway, it was fun and sharing my personal experience of social work, my placement, what sw means to me, future prospects etc is really fun. Even met this guy who knows my bro and is already certain that social work is what he wants to do. For the rest, I just hope I planted the seed, that they will at least take social work as an elective and as I did, learn to love it :)
Rushed to Church, then rushed to St Berns. Quite interesting church and as usu the ppl there are usu either too young (ie sec sch) or too old. Noticed something too. I noticed how this ang mo guy looked after his kids. He let his 3/4 yr old son (the older) play in the rain/drizzle and instead of pacifiying his younger child, he let it cry it out. The only prob is that it didnt stop crying! just realised how diff an Asian father would have handled the situation. Am pretty sure of that!
Sunday was also busy but I decided to leave early lah cos was starting to feel more n more sianz. So here I am. I hope to get more rest this week and tomolo will be time spent with Family :)
ciao~

"Dusty" & EPL heartbreak

Hey all,

as you guys already can see, our family just got a puppy. SHE is a Cocker Spaniel and for now she is called "Dusty". I know, I'm thinking twice about the name now but then we all just felt it really suited her! It's like she kinda looks dusty and she keeps exploring all the corners of the house which are dusty and gets real dusty in the process! Then when we put her in the box to sleep, she crept out and slept on the dusty fan instead. She looks kinda sad huh? Cos she was just separated from her mum today but don't worry she's better now. Began exploring and stuff and playing ard a little. But I'm gonna miss her when I go for my retreat from mon-wed man. :(

Anyway, tonight was the most exciting EPL night of the season! Relegation battles are always full of determination, grit followed by inevitable heartbreak and tears. Tonight was no exception but for the first time in EPL history, 3 teams were all relegated only on the last day. Norwich started the day with the advantage but it swung to Southamtom's side when they took the lead against Manyoo and Fulham scored. Then after Manyoo equalised Southamtom's lead hung by a thread. True to the drama expected of a night like this, Manyoo took the lead against the Saints and the Baggies (West Bromich) took the lead against Portsmouth. Then Crystal Palace who were losing against Charlton scored twice to steer ahead of the Baggies b4 Charlton equalised to condemn Crystal Palace to life in the 1st Division. Felt that the Saints had the hardest opponents whereas the Baggies had the easiest. Oh well, they'll live to fight another day. But for today, they should lift their heads up high for they gave a good fight (except Norwich ;)

Presenting the latest member of my family...

:) :) :)

work work work but I lift it up to You

I don't rem a single day that I have had time to spend for myself. Last few hols, I will always make time to spend with me mum but this hols I have yet to spend any time with her save for one short lunch. I've been busy, every min, every day. Not that I want to complain. A lot of it has its moments of joy. Hanging out with Jon n philosophical (though I admit sometimes irritating) greg has been fun & interesting. Been talking on the phone too and it's refreshing. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning to trust. I still bitch a lot though...about Church IC whom I feel are not committed. But of cos, there're some who impress me too. Running ard from Church to Church. From one activity of outreach to another of catechism. Class went rather better than expected today. Realise that you have to bring the enthusiasiam of the class. Cos was afraid tt the class wouldnt take too kindly to having to move ard church (1) blind, (2) without arms, or (3) on 1 leg. heh but they did anyway (well not all but at least they did the activity). The purpose was to show the need for community, to complement each other and to achieve more. Tt combined with Acts 2:38-47 & 1Corin12 (many parts, one body) hopefully did the job. Kinda bonded with them too. After tt had a great dinner with Alan, Ed, Carol & Jeff...great company. Just glad that we managed to talk about certain stuff too tt was bothering some of us. heh. anyway the work is tough, tiring and taxing but He gives us strength. Alleluia.

The Imperfect Me

I wanted to go sch early this morn to watch The Simpsons in the lib but couldn't wake up so went to sch just in time to meet Dr Ng. She's really very nice and doesn't heap all the work onto me (unlike some other lecturer). Anyway, there's a lot of work to be done but I spent most of the time since I came home doing it till now. Now it's mainly the filing and other paper work that has to be done. I'm a Editorial Assistant Extraordinaire!

Anyway, I'm a perfectionist. I hate it sometimes but I don't want ANYthing to go wrong and I hate it when people doing the same proj/activity/event as me cannot or is not willing to put in the amount of effort that I'm putting in. I expect 100% all the time otherwise f*** off! I know this is a problem and I want to change but I can't. Things must go well, if not at least show me (for myself esp) that you have done your best. Nothing less.

Anyway, maybe my perfectionist streak is a form of reaction-formation. I seriously think that it is very likely. There are so many things about myself that I want to change and so many others that I hate. I just feel so inadequate and and I'm not good enough to do this, achieve this, to be with this person (my fav phrase: pei bu shang), to be a good social worker/friend/family member...whatever. It just sickens me to the core to feel like this but I just do. No freaking amounts of As or successes in specific areas seem to be able to lift my S.E. HA!~ and to think that some ppl think that I'm confident and have a big ego. oh well. I think I have three layers. 1st layer: the confident and self-assured guy. Ppl (esp those who don't really know me in sw) get impressed and know me as the "smart guy". Those who know me much better see the 2nd layer: the anxious and perfectionist streak in me. They would include the CSS ppl and my sw proj grp mates etc. They know that I'm not perfect, they see my flaws and faults but they also know that I can be nice and that I can be fun & serious at diff times. The 3rd layer: the bastard in me, the emotional vulnerable me...the me that bleeds but cannot heal. The me that hates and plots vengence...the Me that I wish would just die but still remains. The me seldom people see.
I just feel imperfect. I know all of us are but some are more imperfect than others and tt's me.

Morality

Was talking to Jon today and now thoughts are swarming in my head.

Basically, the thing that struck n is stuck with me is if you do NOT commit evil because you do not want to go to hell or want to avoid wrong-doing, isn't it a selfish act. I feel that why we do not do evil acts is usually cos of our principles and values in which we have been socialised into from birth. Thus, in a sense it is not selfish cos tt's the way we have been taught. But then, the fundamental basis for these principles/values are to avoid wrong-doing and if you're Christian, to avoid eternal damnation. So isn't the very basis for this selfish?
An example to illustrate: If you were forced to either (1) choose 3 out of 10 ppl to be shot dead to survive 7 others, (2) refuse to choose any and allow all 10 to die, which would YOU choose? In this example, you cannot choose urself to be killed. By right, we should never condemn anyone to die so choice (1) seems to be the immoral answer. By choosing choice (2), we may be choosing the morally correct answer cos we are not choosing ppl to be put to death but is it becos we are selfish and do not want to end up responsible for the death of these 3 ppl? Is it becos you do not want the blood of these 3 human beings on your hands??

Anyway, is morality really absolute? Then why do have different views of what is right and wrong. Why are there exceptions to situations whereby euthanasia/abortion may seem to be justified...how can we justify these exceptions? I believe that the incongruence is due to the fact that we are unable to fully accept the moral absolutes. This incongruence thus leads us to think that there may be exceptions, therefore meaning morality is subjective whereas morality is in fact absolute. Sigh. I seem to be going in circles.

Enough of this for now. If I can get it out of my head.

A Little Respect

I tried to discover a little something to make me sweeter
Oh baby refrain from breaking my heart
I'm so in love with you
I'll be forever blue
That you give me no reason, you know you're making me work so hard
That you give me no . . . soul
I hear you calling
Oh baby please give a little respect to me.

And if i should falter, would you open your arms out to me?
We can make love not war, and live in peace with our hearts
I'm so in love with you, i'll be forever blue
What religion or reason could drive a man to forsake his lover?
Don't you tell me no. . . soul.
I hear you calling
Oh baby please, give a little respect to me.

I'm so in love with you
I'll be forever blue
That you give me no reason
You know you're making me work so hard
That you give me no. soul.
I hear you calling.
Oh baby, please give a little respect to me.
Oh baby, please give a little respect to me.

:(

I don't know whether you guys have noticed but I'm trying to keep a positive outlook esp on my blog and in my life in general. I don't want ppl to comment that my blog is depressing and ppl chancing upon it would probably think so. I agree with some of the readings I read, namely on the Psychology of Mind and Health Realisation, that it is up to YOU to determine whether you want to be happy or otherwise. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that you can just snap out of a bad/sad/depressed mood but I'm saying that at the end of the wallowing and dwelling, YOU have to make that decision to move on and make something different in your life.
Just this wed, I had dinner with Nan and we talked about a lot of stuff. While talking to him, I surprised even myself with my somewhat optimisitc and carefree orientation. I want to be like that. I like it that way.
Now, I'm struggling to shake off this pain inside of me! No, I doubt its my knee which started hurting during soccer (w/o any tackles or running - sigh). It's the heaviness I carry. Can't explain it. Can't stand it. I want it to go away. I want to plan for Cat Class but I'm just so distracted. I'm worried about outreach but I can't make it today. There's so many worries swimming, swarming my head but I can't let it go. My heaviness is dragging me down but I have to let it go. There are others who need the strong me. I need the strong me to function. God grant me my strong me. Lift away my heaviness, sadness, pain. Deliver me.

When I 1st learnt to drive

ML Course
Was thinking back to the time when I learnt to drive in the army. It was a rather stressful experience I must say. I went for the ML (military license) course where you learn to drive a 3-tonner in 5 weeks. I remember my instructor vividly. He's this chee-na, super sarcastic and irritating guy. He would scold me, slap my hands, and make exaggerated rocking gestures to simulate lousy driving. And mind you, he's a bloody civilian and not an army regular. But on thinking back, I have him to thank for many things. I rem that when we were at the driving circuit on the 1st day, I was eager to start driving and experimenting. Unfortunately, he brought me to a corner of the circuit and there I began my training. As others whizzed haphazardously past me, there I was stationary, practising "clutching in fast, releasing slowly" and the changing of gears without looking at it. I did this till my legs started aching, without any mileage covered. I rem being damn frustrated that day; everyone else was bragging about driving the damn rover and it seemed that only my details of 4 hadn't covered an inch. On retrospect, it held me in good stead cos I got my basics right and had good clutch control and could change gears without looking and all; I just had to focus on the road.
I rem a particular fri when I had a crap driving day when everything seemed to go wrong, I was getting incessant scoldings from Mr Ooi, and I couldnt do anything right. On the following monday however, I had a complete turn-around and you know you have really improved when ur instructor ask you, "you practiced illegally over the weekend right?" I rem I kept smiling to myself, not becos I was guilty but becos I KNEW that it was a compliment. One of the most daunting parts of the course was switching from a rover to a 3-tonner. I felt intimidated and really frightened. I mean it's like a freaking truck now, I could kill someone and amazingly, all the instructors claim it's the same as driving a rover and we didn't have to pass any test in order to start driving a 3-tonner. Oh well, I made that transition and ya I still feel quite scared driving the 3-tonner. Oh well.
Anyway, I took the test at Choa Chu Kang. I rem I was in the first detail and I kena this damn fierce-looking Indian Encik. Amazingly I passed the first time getting 10 points (12 is the failing mark) and from that point on, we were treated like kings in the course (cos not many passed the 1st time) and we would have nothing to do during afternoons cos they wanted to concentrate on the rest. So, 8th Dec 2000 marks the day I passed my driving.

V200 Course
I also had the privilege to learn how to drive the V200 in the army. It's supposed to be an amphibious vehicle though I'm pretty sure it'll sink. And rumour has it that the SAF got the V200s from the U.S. as part of some treaty for a puny $1 each, though each tyre costs like $7k to replace. How ingenious. Anyway, it was really scary driving the tank-on-wheels along the roads of Yishun but I must it was also very fun (when we were not driving) cos we went out in groups of 4/5 and each of us took a diff portion. Then whenever we drove past the pri schs right the kids will run beside the v200 and we'll wave to them and act macho. heh. I rem one particularly memorable drive where I was doing quite well and the Encik let me drive all the way from Khatib Camp to Lentor to Nanyang Poly and even managed to cover Sembawang Park. It was really fun and enjoyable. Rem the rough terrain obstacle courses too, didnt enjoy that as much. I'm gratefully for learning how to drive the V200 man and I love it so much more than the tonner. heh.

Driving in Camp
I think that was when my driving skills were at its peak cos we had to drive everyday in camp and there were certain sections that really helped us to improve. I was most proud of my clutch control cos I could control the vehicle on a slope using just the clutch without stepping on the brake or accelerator. Reversing is my worst skill! I kept practising but it still didn't improve much and I never really could floor the accelerator and reverse like some of the other midfielders. Even to this day, I never accelerate while driving outside. I shall not mention others things that we did in camp here. That's supper conversation material, not something I want on my blog. :p
Another thing I realised is that when I drove in the army, all my frustrations were let out there. I drove safely outside with my dad's car. Unfortunately, I now drive well...not as safely lah. This is something I have to work on lah. As with the most humji slogan ard, RSAF's Safety First, Always, I think I shd learn to drive more safely esp when others are in the car. heh.

Anyway it was just nice thinking back to all these driving memories. :)

Disclaimers

1. Please replace Kate & Leotard with Kate & Leopold. No more snipe comments pls! :p

2. The song from the previous blog is not "I'm in Heaven" but "Feels like heaven".

3. The addy who commented on my blog is different from addie who comments on my blog. Sorry!! :)

And last but NOT least, a piece of good news. I was added to msn! :D

1st Non-relative Wedding

Just came back from Ben & Regina's Wedding. Was a very nice laid-back affair. Very different from the ones I know when everything is being fussed about and you have to maintain a certain amount of decorum. The wedding mass was good though I felt that Fr Richards was a little...err...scary? Saying that there was "no guarantee the marriage would last"! Anyway mass had 2 of my fav hymns...will type them out at the end of the blog.
You guys must check this out: the shocking pink cab that the wedding couple traveled in. But I already had 2 comments about the Hello Kitty.


Anyway, we proceeded to Goodwood Park Hotel for lunch. It was a really simple affair but I enjoyed the company of Alan, Bridget, Debbie, Jacq & Vincent. It was really funny. I decided to imitate what medieval gentlemen did - I stood up whenever the ladies wanted to leave the table. Thanks a mill to Alan who pangseh me. Anyway I got the idea from Kate & Leotard which I got glimpses of last week? haha then Debbie tried testing me but I was too busy eating. Man, no wonder they don't do such things anymore! You have to pay attention to the ladies' movements, then stop eating everytime the ladies leave! haha...but it was rather fun! Anyway what do you call a medevial gentleman? a SNOG! Sensitive Old Age Guy. Tt's what bridget said anyway. Debbie and her learnt what SNAG means today.
Anyway, another lesson learnt: always UNDER-estimate a girl's age if you want to get off on the right footing with her. Muhahaha...I over-estimated Jacq's age by 5 yrs (no thanks to Alan lah!) and said she was 28! heh...
it was a good time spent chatting and getting to know each other (esp tt Vincent was a Franciscan Novice b4 he got married!). But all good things have to come to an end. But this blog and the memories remain.

My all time fav Hymn: Thank you Lord

Thank you Lord for the trials that come my way
In the way I can grow each day as I let you lead
Yes I thank you Lord, for the patience those trials bring
In the process of growing, I can learn to care

Refrain:
But it goes against the way I am
To put my human nature down
And let the spirit take control of all I do
Cause when those trials come my human nature
Shouts the things to do
And God's soft prompting can be easily ignored

But I thank you Lord, with each trial I feel inside
That you're there to lead and guide me away from wrong
'Cause you promised Lord that with every testing
That your way of escaping's easier to bear

Refrain

Final Ending:
Yes I thank you Lord for the vict'ry that growing brings
In surrender of everything, Life is so worthwhile
And I thank you Lord, that when everything's put in place
Out in front I can see your face
And it's there you belong

The hymn that reminds me of my 55th exco7:
Power of Your Love

Lord I come to You, let my heart be changed, renewed
Flowing from the grace that I found in You.
And Lord I've come to know the weaknesses I see in me
Will be stripped away by the power of Your Love.

Chorus:
Hold me close, let Your Love surround me.
Bring me near, draw me to Your side.
And as I wait I'll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You,
Your spirit leads me on, in the power of Your Love.

Lord unveil my eyes, let me see You face to face,
The knowledge of Your Love as You live in me
Lord renew my mind as Your will unfolds in my life
In living every day by the power of Your Love.

Chorus

1st cockroach and Bliss (separate)

1st cockroach in my house. It happened this morning when I was studying for SW3201. It flew in through my window and I was sitting beside the window! I backed off from the window. Ran to get the newspaper...came into the room...DAMN! not the Life section so I went to get the Classified. Came back. (I'm scared of cockroahces btw). It went towards my hi-fi! Fuck nO! I hit it once. It stopped moving! Success! I poked it and it started flying. Fuck! I hit it again. It stopped. I went to get Shieldtox and started spraying it. It started flying again! Arg! Then it went to the back of my Hi-fi. I started spraying. It came out and this time with only 5 legs made for the floor. I smashed it. Now it had only 3 legs! But it was still moving! arg! It was upside down and I left it die off.
Sigh. Couldn't study after tt. Was traumatised. It's the FIRST cockroach in my Sengkang flat. Sigh. I used to be SO happy tt there were no cockroahces in sengkang. Now there is one. When there is one, there is more lurking. Sigh.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm in heaven. Rem tt song? I kept smiling! Even during the exam which everyone said was difficult! The ball is no longer in my court. I have done what I can. Can only hope. But with hope comes vulnerability...vulnerability to get hurt and disappointed. I'm willing to take the risk this time though. There's nothing much to lose. There's no friendship to begin with (unlike the last time). The most I will feel is acute disappointment. Thank you God for this chance. I took it this time. :)

Now I know...

I had been asking myself this question since the beginning of the year when I found out that a few of the ppl in social work are like having issues and problems, depression and stuff. I asked myself: Can we as social workers be depressed and still serve our clientele? Wouldn't it affect our job, clients, etc.? Today, I talked to someone or rather she talked to me and it was during our conversation that I realised how much she understood what I was saying, that she could empathise cos when she said she has been there I knew she meant it. When she told me not to do this n that, I knew that it has worked for her. I thank God for her, talking to me for almost an hr, along the road outside KR.
A piece of advice for all those of you who don't know nuts about counseling. The last thing you should do is to advice! Don't refute what the person says also! Never!
I won't do well for counseling. 2 questions 2 fucked up answers. I don't deserve to do well. And I won't. My first social work mod that I'll get a lousy grade for. Looking back, the most fav part of this mod is still my project on Structural Family Therapy. What a wasted! Just hope that the A for the CA will help pull me up a bit. Now for IT1001. I've got exactly 19 hrs b4 the exam and I've not started. If I blog again, then something is wrong. Hope to see me only on 29th night.

Sianz

Sigh...just finished mental health. Screwed the last qn. Oh well...have to let go...let go...fuck it's difficult. I'm not the sort of person who can let go easily.
oh well one down...four more to go.
And the outreach thing is getting to me. Everything is.

I thank You for the Day

Today started off rather apprehensively as I had to go to the dentist for a gum infection. I waited almost 2 hrs b4 I was seen cos I didnt have an appointment but the lady asked me to come down and wait. Anyway, seems like I have some other gum problem and will have to go down again. 4th May's my next appointment. The first excitment post-exam. Yipee
Anyway I decided to walk over to Novena Church to pray and hopefully talk to one of the priests. Went there said my prayers, then went to find priest. MIA. Sigh. Decided to walk to the MRT but as I walked past the canteen, I saw a familiar face. She's a girl in my Mental Health class, also one of the Legionaires. Anyway, I decided to go say hi. Turns out both are yr2 social work majors, Catholics, and mugging away at Mental Health when I have not even started (save for chap 1 which I read for my essay). I ended up joining them to revise. It was really pleasant and I learnt that though I may not have talked to some of the ppl in my SW classes, they have talked about my "funny face" b4. How cool is tt! :p Anyway, Adeline seemed super tickled by whatever I said. Sihua was a little more toned down and she didnt even bother humoring me with polite laughter for my lame jokes (Adeline laughed - sorry if you're reading this ;)
Anyway, managed to get Fr in the end - Fr Paul Ke - the duty priest for the day. Had a good (though a little short) conversation with him. Ended up, quite bizzarely, talking about psychological theories and all that. Turns out Fr Ke is a trained and certified Reality Therapist, so I ended up talking about it as I had just read it for my counseling mod. A very nice, pleasant man. I should be making an appointment with him soon. :)
You know, I think today is rather special. I had my dental appointment turn out better than expected. Made two new friends along the way rather serendipitously. Managed to finish 3 powerpoint lects when 3 hrs last night covered only HALF a lecture. And if I had not met Ade n Sihua, I would not have bothered to stay and met with Fr Paul Ke in the end. :)
I'm still having trouble studying but at least I'm happy.
I pray that God helps us all during this period of time, to help us maximise our potential. And IF we do not do well even after our max effort, I pray that God grants these ppl gifts that those who score As dont.
God gives, maybe not in an area you want Him to, but He always gives, in abundance.

Of fireworks and NZ

I saw fireworks in the distance at about 2+am 2 nights ago...it was coming from Malaysia...what's up man...so happening eh???

Anyway on a more serious note, my parents were talking about migration recently. My dad seems pretty serious about it cos he doesnt want to retire (I dont think this word is used correctly in this context) here n he's always wanted to go to NZ. Anyway, my mum used to be relunctant cos my grandparents were ard but things are kinda different now. Anyway, I didnt think much about it till my dad told me: "You know all they need is for someone to work there and bring the rest of the family over!" then the next line..."they are in need of social workers!!"
Great, now I'm supposed to work there and bring the rest of them over?!? anyway, I dismissed it lah. If i were going to NZ to work, why in hell would I be studying so hard now? I shd just quit sch and learn some farming skills which is like what I think i would like to do if i go there. Anyway, I cant imagine life outside of Spore. I'm not the kind of person who like to adapt to new places n all. I hate changes. And I want to stay here, as screwed up as this place may be.

It's been a long time...(again)

I've been so busy these days...don't get enough sleep n all...can't wait for the hols...anyway some thots in me head...

* the wind is blowing freaking hard now...I love it but its getting kinda scary...it's as if something is gonna happen

* I did well for my IT1003 CA (50%) which I praise God for. Unfortunately for me though I made the mod S/U. Worst still, I've NO more S/Us left for honours yr (if I do)

* I finally found out Harbourfront Girl's name, thanks to CY :)

* Sigh...just feel sianz...

It's real cold now...think I'll go zzZZ

Counseling Proj - Structural Family Therapy

Our blood and sweat...good times...stressful times...good memories...tested frenships...the joy & satisfaction of the product!

Oh NO...

Your Brain is 60.00% Female, 40.00% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

Actually one sentence makes the whole quiz lose its credibility: Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed - Oh so NOT true

laptop phobic

I think i'm sick of my laptop....staring at the screen...n to be honest I think my laptop is quite sick of me too. At least SOMEthing is mutual.
Just sent out the 55 page manual which I compiled...haha k lah 25 pages was a script n template done by other grp members...heh...but seeing the no. of pages just made me feel better...though I have to admit this is a serious fallacy! the no. of pages don't mean anything! well, i dont know why but as an arts (or rather a social sci) student...I always get that false sense of security seeing the no. of pages that has been churned out regardless of its quality. K enough of technology, I gonna watch tv now...duh~

New Record

I just took a bath. No...it's not the start of a new day but the end of a very long one. I reached home not that long ago, with many thanks to Tock who so graciously volunteered to send me home even before I asked him. He's really such a sweet guy. :)
We started filming for our counseling project slightly b4 7pm in one of the TV rooms in Temasek Hall and ended only after 3am. My goodness, more than 7 hrs of intensive filming. It was really tough for me esp since I can't rem lines properly. Not surprisingly, I had the most no. of NGs, was the only one who had to have the script with me throughout the session and also I kept looking at the scrip while filming. It was so difficult to start filming cos I kept bursting out laughing but after a few tries, it got better. Think that the others - Jianting, Chunyat, Liling & Fareez - are damn pro actors and Fareez did hell of a job with managing the 2 video cameras and breaking up the sessions into scenes. It also made me realise WHY actors were paid so much - it's so DAMN difficult! I felt quite bad holding the others back but I thank all of them for their patience. haha I'm not so much a therapist heh? It was quite funny looking back to the NGs and all...haha luckily I was sitting on my side otherwise sure can see my stomach quipped ahbao. Filming also made me jealous how round my head and how BIG my thighs are. Sigh.
anyway, we went for supper at Fong Seng first and it was gd just sitting around and talking cock. This is definitely a landmark in my undergrad life thus far; I thot I wouldnt break my record of 3am last sem but this sem I've done one better. But it was worth it. A BIG thanks to my whole grp for the experience. Now for some zzZZ....

My 'wonderful' Week

there're so many thoughts running through my head...I will start with the newest to the oldest...

1. Someone just commended me for my msn nick: Are you a virgin? Say NO to PMSex!

2. Received my first pay check for my Editorial Work...all of 90+bucks...I like Dr Ng, so unlike that fucker TNT who has not paid me a single cent for the work I did during the holidays...don't worry I won't bother about him n will avoid him like the plague!

3. I lost the clip portion while jumping over the fence in the middle of the road. Spent 5 mins searching but couldnt find it. Oblivious to traffic.

4. Had a gd time at CG talking about sexuality. Had gd company for dinner too :) n of cos Greg on the train. ;) one observation - Jon is DAMN observant!! man!! you shd know what u r talking about man.

5. Most of this week had been spent doing up the STUPID FUCKING ridiculous website for my IT1001 mod. It's so FREAKING irritating. I wish I could destroy all the DAMN computers in the world!! At least it's up.

A BIG THANK YOU to these people:

* Alan: for helping us out with anchoring etc. yesterday
* Greg: for helping me with changing of format to jpg etc.
* Wayne: for helping us solve the link problem
* Xinhui: for cheering me up and buffing my nail!
* all my 3 grp members - andrea, susan, lena: for putting up with my nonsense n SUPER loads of vulgarities...

you guys really made a difference...thanks!

I'll end off with an excerpt from the writing that I wrote during my Mental Health class when I felt so heavy and that I was gonna break down:

I must be thankful though of the friends I have around me such as those at the CSS corner, Wayne n Xinhui in particular, whose presence made me feel better and help me back off, away from the edge, the edge that O thought I was gonna fall off from today.

Quote for the day??

Heard this during Fr Peter's sermon: There's something strange about Joy - it doesnt depend on the external.
In the end, I kept thinking about this line that I ignored the rest of his sermon.
Is the statement is true, then I think people who don't feel joy might have larger deeper issues.
I'm no exception.

Numa Numa Dance

hey all really can't sleep!! man i got a meeting in sch at noon! arg!

anyway ripped this off yasmine's blog and thot it was quite funny...n also...the techno music that I like...do check it out...quite funny...n kester....eat your heart out! :P

The Numa Numa Dance

great end to a torrid week...

This week has been torrid. I had only 4 hrs of sleep for 3 nights in a row, having to wake up at 6am from tues-fri to go to sch early. It may sound normal to u guys but I've been so used to 8 hrs of sleep I really couldnt take it. Was so busy with stuff...essays...n I dunno what that I could only sleep at 2+am...I really felt like shit almost everyday when I was in sch. Somehow I managed to include a movie in it. heh.
Do you know that ppl who are depressed don't commit suicide when they're at their lowest, but when they are recovering. This is due to the extreme lack of energy when they're at their lowest. Realised how true it might be with the analoguous situation of my deprived sleep. During the mornings that I was so tired (4hrs of sleep) I was calm in my dad's car...not bothering with screwed up drivers who cut lanes or road hog. The morn when I had more sleep, I was back to my normal lousy driving cursing. heh. I felt it was similar to what I learnt during ab psych. The low made me apathetic to what was going on around me. I don't know if this makes sense to you.

Anyway, today was much better. I felt our grp discussion wasnt really focused (no thanks to me) but then the filming was fun. Actually used my army helmet n top in sch to film a "trench" scene. It shd be quite funny. heh. Fareez does GREAT videos!! haha n ya man I think we do look alike. heh.

*added in* I forgot to mention about my stupid lectuer...TNT...tt bugger....it's like I told him that I can't commit the time n all that to do research work for him so he asked me when my exams ended n that we'll do work after my exams then he ended off by telling me to submit a report in 2 weeks time!!! I'm so frustrated!! he has this way of manipulating people and situations!! I'm so irritated n pissed!! sigh.

Anyway I had my NJ class 98S18 class reunion today...felt gd to meet up again...esp since I've not seen some of them for so long...met Kaifeng n Sumin in sch b4 heading down to Centrepoint to meet Kaixun, Peiyi, Saihim, Junkang, Lishan, Hanhui, Tim, and then we headed for Sumin's place. Weijie joined us later...we had pizza for dinner n just sat down to talk...was a bit weird at first...silence n all (I'm ok with silence actually) but junkang n xunzi was the entertainment...with junkang telling us his 'lifestory' in NTU. heh. it's really nice catching up with them...here's some interesting facts about my classmates:

Weijie: He went for Lasik costing $5k but got $1k discount cos his mum knows the nurse who know the doc. heh. then the procedure quite scary man. You can see the whole thing! then they will say, dont be scared when this sharp thing goes towards ur eye...then u can see the lasar n all cutting...then the doc said there's a lot of blood....man...then cos they cut ur cornea u cant scratch it for 2 weeks or it will just slide off...man...but now weijie has almost perfect eyesight!

Lishan: she's working on ships making training videos...had to spend 26 days on the ship (including xmas!!) with nothing to do cos she didnt expect to be away so long!! no internet connection, no phone, no books, lousy food, and she said they got excited whenever they saw land!!

Hanhui: she's working as a psychologist now at MOE carrying out assessment tests on sch-going kids n all!!

Peiyi: my social work senior....senior executive at SSTI (Social Services Training Institute) and she had to leave early cos she has to work tomolo, sunday, mon n tues...she asked me to reconsider sw. heh.

Kaixun & Saihim: the only ppl I know who finished their FYP more than 1 week ahead of schedule!! and they both got jobs liaoz at Deloitte & Touche and Ernst & Young respectively.

Sigh. We're old....only me kaifeng n weijie are still studying for another year. heh.

went to play pool when the others left....was playing with much luck the first 2 games then in the 3rd game I went to pot the black ball with a damn nice shot when I had one more striped ball left!!! I didnt see it!! arg then the rest were wondering why I was so happy tt i potted the black ball!!! never recovered from tt...Tim is the pool champ...heh Cindy joined us then.

Cindy: She works in a semi-conductor company drawing a salary of $3-4k a month...with a cap set to S$7200 after over-time!!!!! beat that man!! haha she really got weijie excited!

after pool we had supper at meridian kopitiam...not bad just catching up...then shared cab back.

I must say that I really enjoyed seeing my NJ classmates again. Writing this and listening to Running by No Doubt made me wanna tear jus now...don't know why but felt so nostalgic!! I miss you 98S18!! miss you lots... :)

$1,000,000 Baby

WARNING: Spoiler ahead. Stop if you are gonna watch the movie. But I don't think it's worth it.

Rating: 3.5/5

When you watch a movie that has won the Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actress and Best Supporting Actor Oscars, I think that it's fair that I expected a bit more. Nevermind that Wayne spoilt it by telling me that "the boxer dies", it was in my humble opinion, not in the league of Hotel Rwanda. Actually, wayne set me on the wrong track for I had thought Hilary Swank would die in the ring. The movie up to that point was, I admit, quite interesting and pulsating. Like yasmine said, the build-up of Clint & Hilary's relationship was quite well done. However, I started getting bored the moment Hilary hit her head on the stool when she was fell by that Berlin Bitch Cheater Boxer. Sorry if I'm downplaying the scene but it was at that point that I got bored. I wasn't sad. Not the least bit. From that point on, it could have been substituted with The Sea Inside and I wouldn't have known the difference, save for the fact that the latter is in Spanish. Morgan Freeman's acting was rather mediocre by his own high standards and it left me thinking about the other candidates for that Oscar. Clint and Hilary's acting was sublime but I still question the wisdom of the movie receiving the Best Picture and Best Director awards. An OK movie overall, but if you're expecting a classic or a masterpiece, don't hold your breath.

oOpS...I did it again...

btw, I hate Britney.

I wanted to go to sch to start on my readings for this semester. Yes, start. I made 2 mods S/U - my two IT mods. Not that it comforts me a whole lot but at least I know I can afford to screw up and that I can spend more time catching on my 3 social work core mods. However, I went to bed at 2+am last night but I tossed and turned and was unable to sleep till about 4+am. I only managed to wake up at 630am and as I didn't want to keep my sis n dad waiting, I let them rush off. I decided to sleep for another 2 hrs but ended up waking up past noon. I can just NEVER get enough sleep!! You might say that I slept so much cos I was tired but then I had a 6hr afternoon nap yest and that night I slept 6+ hrs too! Man...I did it again. It seems that two of my frens are in similar situations. I think the three of us might be severely burntout. Sigh. hang in there man, it's a few weeks more and then more than 12 weeks of holidays!!

Man...there's so much to do. heh. Just hope I can finish them all.

Confusion

What I've felt
What I've known
Turn the pages
Turn the stone
Behind the door
Should I open it for you?

Anyone knows this song? :)

there're so many thoughts racing through my mind...feel don't think! but screw feeling...it always gets u into trouble...it always gets u hurt! Rationalize! Tt's the defensive mechanism I feel I use to protect myself. It usu works though so why not? Anyway, the editorial work has made me so tired...gonna zzZZ now...

Judging...

I first judging I wanna talk about is Judging Amy...it's a great show that I've been catching recently...A mother who's a Social Worker and her daughter who's a Judge. Today's episode was great. Amy actually had to use her power as a judge to teh~ her mother cos her mother didnt wanna allow her to cross-examine this guy who was gonna die...then there was this mother-daughter confrontation...very emotional...both guided by the values indoctrinated by their respective professions...really quite moving as well...must catch it if u have time...def better than Desperate Housewives n all those similar genre kind of flicks...

-taken out-
I'm sorry.