I had about 1.5 weeks of rest. Well, last week I kinda breezed thru cos I had this surreal feeling - The post-camps (not cramps) withdrawal period (no pun intended). Today, a rude shock awaited - Social Work Honours Briefing: The end of my hols.
Here's my time-table for next sem (excluding one Cross-fac):
SW4101 - Advanced Family-centered Social Work Practice
Tues 9-12noon AS6/0209
SW4102 - Advanced Social Policy and Planning
Fri 4-7pm AS6/0209
SW4103 - Advanced Research and Evaluation
Wed 9-12noon AS6/0209
Man, so far it looks like I was be missing Fri mass!! arg! also notice the fact that I was be taking the 3 mods with the same ppl in the same venue! haha...
k the part that is stressing me out is the Honours Thesis. I just realised that instead of slacking I would have to think about a topic, research on the material, find a sup who's willing to 'adopt' me and finalise everything in a month's time. Man...my heart was racing n pounding with fear and excitment. But the problem is I don't have a topic! Will keep Prof Ngiam's words in mind; I guess I'll have to balance ambition with being realistic.
Anyway, I think I just wasn't psychologically prepared to start work so soon lah. Oh well, yr4 here I come.
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Anger
I think that is what really keeps me from getting closer to God.
"I'm not like you Keenan"
This line keeps playing in my head. An incident that happened. The anger manifested itself in words (chinese) and deed. The anger dissipitated almost immediately to be replaced by shame. Acute shame. 6 others saw it, only 2 were not shocked cos they've seen this side of me before. I really hate this side of me and I want to change but don't you realise that it's not that I want to react this way or like it even. I try. I really do. I wish I were more like Keenan.
Supper was good. I like going for supper. More than the food, oftentimes it's the company that really makes the difference. Thank you Wayne for being that company.
I like sitting on the blue bench below my flat. One of the few times that I'm sober sitting there. Thinking. Reflecting. Wondering. Pondering. I like that blue bench. It helps me think clearer when my mind's in a mess. Thank you blue bench.
"I'm not like you Keenan"
This line keeps playing in my head. An incident that happened. The anger manifested itself in words (chinese) and deed. The anger dissipitated almost immediately to be replaced by shame. Acute shame. 6 others saw it, only 2 were not shocked cos they've seen this side of me before. I really hate this side of me and I want to change but don't you realise that it's not that I want to react this way or like it even. I try. I really do. I wish I were more like Keenan.
Supper was good. I like going for supper. More than the food, oftentimes it's the company that really makes the difference. Thank you Wayne for being that company.
I like sitting on the blue bench below my flat. One of the few times that I'm sober sitting there. Thinking. Reflecting. Wondering. Pondering. I like that blue bench. It helps me think clearer when my mind's in a mess. Thank you blue bench.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Food Diary
All patients with eating disorders are encouraged to write in a food diary. This is mine for my binge eating disorder:
Breakfast - Mee Rebus, 1 teh
Had this meal at some Treetop place except that it was the wrong place and we got ripped off RM10 for the can ride. I was cool about it though.
Lunch - KFC Zinger Meal for about RM6?
Snack - Macs Strawberry Milk: Fantastic!! And the best part was the cashier was so friendly! Plus he gave me a 15 sen discount! oh man...
Snack - James got us some Bak Kwa!
All the above food items purchased from Holiday Plaza :)
Snacks - Chicken Nuggest and Pepsi Float from Marry Brown; Crispy Popiah; 2 big Dunkin' Dounghnuts :D [Angsana Plaza]
Dinner [Danga Bay] - Coconut, Nasi Goreng Ayam, Satay, Ramly Burger (beef), Vanilla Coke.
All in all, it has been a great day at JB with the abengs: MarkG, Darryl, Ed, Clemence, Karen, Felicia & James :) Thanks for inviting me and making me feel so comfortable. heh. Maybe now we'll have a KFC session next week? ;) Hope to put up some of the pics we took.
I wanna shop man...anyone wanna go Bangkok? thinking of going there man...heh
Nitez....
Breakfast - Mee Rebus, 1 teh
Had this meal at some Treetop place except that it was the wrong place and we got ripped off RM10 for the can ride. I was cool about it though.
Lunch - KFC Zinger Meal for about RM6?
Snack - Macs Strawberry Milk: Fantastic!! And the best part was the cashier was so friendly! Plus he gave me a 15 sen discount! oh man...
Snack - James got us some Bak Kwa!
All the above food items purchased from Holiday Plaza :)
Snacks - Chicken Nuggest and Pepsi Float from Marry Brown; Crispy Popiah; 2 big Dunkin' Dounghnuts :D [Angsana Plaza]
Dinner [Danga Bay] - Coconut, Nasi Goreng Ayam, Satay, Ramly Burger (beef), Vanilla Coke.
All in all, it has been a great day at JB with the abengs: MarkG, Darryl, Ed, Clemence, Karen, Felicia & James :) Thanks for inviting me and making me feel so comfortable. heh. Maybe now we'll have a KFC session next week? ;) Hope to put up some of the pics we took.
I wanna shop man...anyone wanna go Bangkok? thinking of going there man...heh
Nitez....
Monday, June 20, 2005
CSS FOC '05 & Concamp '05
It's been an exhausting 7 days and I want to share my experiences, the lows and the highs. I just hope that I can rem it all.
Monday: Day started a little later cos I had to go Bras Basar to buy material for the concamp sessions so met Ed there and he being the nice guy that he is, treated me to lunch at Jack's Place. What a way to start the week! Then we had a nice chat and all there before moving up to buy the stuff and then get a cab to sch. Things started off slowly. I was apprehensive as I wasnt sure I was going to enjoy FOC esp since it would be the second yr in a row that I was doing background work and the fear of not feeling the sense of belonging overwhelmed me again. However, as it would turn out, I was needed as a facil and though I wasnt really psyched up or prepared for it I decided to take up the challenge. That night was the worst cos I could not sleep though I was in bed since 2am. Kept tossing and turning around and changed so many positions that I think I kinda outdid the karmasutra but I only managed to fall asleep at 5am. 2 hrs of sleep to start the day the freshies arrived.
Tues, Wed & Thurs: Can't rem much just that had to be thick-skinned and suan the engineers to entertain everyone. Our group was called Tau cos of the Franciscan Tau cross but thanks to me (Secret Agent Yan)...the group name was mis-spelt as Tao...so that I could be called Yan Tao! :p we played lots of games over the days and shared during sessions. I felt that the time bet stations at night games was a little awkward but things got better over the days.
Wanna say a BIG thank you to Jeff, Ed, Alan & Wayne for helping me to cut out the cardboard shapes on wed night for my concamp session. It was a really tedious and time-consuming task. Thank God for sending me these angels :D
What I rem feeling during those few days was the overwhelming burden that was getting heavier and heavier as I found out more bad news, most of which I could do nothing about as I was stuck at NUS. Was getting more and more disheartened. Luckily, God always sends us angels to help us. My wonderful Tau group of [Facils] Hannah, Jacob, Kitty, Justin, [Senior] Mari, Audrey, Alexis, Wayne, [Freshies] Teresa, Cheryl, Albert, Marcus, Lionel & Druce. My wonderful neighbour Jon and all those who dropped by my room, talked to, or even smsed from home (Carol)...really appreciate all of you guys!
Can still rem a bit of thurs: we had the games at West Coast park which was quite fun and hung out at Macs after that. Rem taking the pink ballon for Jacob which he was quite embarrassed about. Hannah eventually used it for Bernard (haha the expression on his face was priceless)! I loved the LOM session. Felt that it was the best session that I've ever attended. It was well prepared, well executed and managed to keep our hearts too. I felt the sharing was also very deep and honest esp coming from the freshies. The acting of Paul, Keenan & Justin was just sublime and tear-jerking. Wonderful job guys; totally awed! Just want to share a little from the passage that I like:
"God beholds you individually whoever you are...He sees you and understands you as He made you...He knows what is in you, all your own perculiar feelings and thoughts, your dispositions and likings, your strength and your weaknesses...He interests Himself in all your anxieties and remembrances, all the rising and fallings of your spirit. You do not love yourself better than He loves you...you cannot shrink from pain more than He dislikes you bearing it; and if He puts it on you, it is as you would put it in yourself, if you are wise, for a greater good afterwards"
- Cardinal John Henry Newman Parochial & Plain Sermons Vol III No. 9
Sorry guys, I kinda shortened it cos I'm too lazy to type but basically it shows how much knows us through and through, loves us and that a greater good will come out of our suffering.
I liked the mini p&w esp the first song "Here I am to worship" which already caused me to tear. Spent some time reflecting before deciding to go for praying over and though Am was one of those praying over me, I decided that it was time to be open and let the spirit work. I'm grateful for all the ppl involved and hope that I will continue in this healing process. Recon was good and I had a gd conversation with this Indo priest whose name I still don't know. :) clean sheet of paper. Anyway, thurs night was horrible. There was so much to do and I had to skip the skit prep with Tau. I walked over to Arts to draw money cos I realised that I had spent all my money! and I needed to pay for camp & return jon. Then from arts I walked over to Fong Seng to buy stuff for my angel & mortal, as well as to attempt to find satay sticks or something else to use for my session. I couldnt find anything suitable. Went back to my room and started work. Wrote warm fuzzies for my 6 freshies & angel + mortal. Then started cutting out the remaining cardboard and then thought about what to plan for the session. I was dead tired and couldnt wake up in time the next day. It was Fri and I had not prep the sessions I was supposed to (at least the second one). I was scared. We couldnt get a cab and I kinda hung up on the telephone operator. Fortunately, Nan was around to save the day and he gave Ed n myself a lift to FMM along Holland Road. I was feeling tired, scared & apprehensive: will things work out right? Ed did the most sensible thing: "Nick shall we pray?" And pray we did. For He gives us strength beyond us.
Session 1 was on Self Awareness and I kinda adopted it from a common CSS activity which I had done 3 times in as many yrs. The kids loved it and it went according to plan. Everyone spent so much more time decorating the outside than on the inside (which was supposed to contain their loved ones, those they value, their principles etc). The look on the faces of all the teens after revealing to them that "it was the inside that mattered, not the outside" really made my day.
Session 2 was on Forgiveness and kudos to Wayne who shared with me the idea. I made this board which had the word Self written on it and pasted onto this styrofoam board. Previously, I had been trying to find darts for the teens to throw at it but in the end I had to make do with a big scissors which actually turned out much better than I had anticipated. I got volunteers to come forward (after some sharing questions) to stab the "self" as hard as they can for a Sin that they rem committing. Up stepped forward a few macho guys who really gave it a go and stabbed through the cardboard. The girls didnt want to be outdone and Maureen stabbed quite a few times too! Then the revelation: I cited a few passages from the bible on how we are many parts of One body in Christ and how all our actions affect those in our community and as I peeled away the "self" layer, I revealed the holes in the community layer and showed then how they have "stabbed" those in the community as well. Eventually I revealed a picture of Jesus in the next layer, also with the many holes on it. "Many times when we sin, we don't see how it impacts others, but it does. And though we don't see it, we hurt Jesus too". Then I went on to talk about confession and how when we go for confession, it's not merely the patching up of holes but rather, it's the receiving of a "clean sheet of paper". We start afresh. Praise be to God. The sessions went well and were quite well received. I really couldnt have done it without Him :)
On a side point, I enjoyed playing soccer with the catechist too. Some of them are really good - Br Robert, Peter & Chris! I think we should form a team soon!
Another thing about the camp is about how close it has brought me to others. My sis is one of them - she would find me whenever she had some problem or needed some help and I like this openness. Some of my classmates - Cheryl & Cherlyn - would find me whenever they see me alone and we would chat. Really got to know them better this camp and even others like Fabiola, Averil, Darry, Sudi, Dion etc. Really love these guys :D
Another session that I enjoyed and felt was good was Ed's "Blocks to Love". The moment Ed started his testimony, I started to tear (thank goodness for the dark room). I was getting emotional and it was all being suppressed. Led my first praying over for my Matthew group that night too and I was kinda glad that the teens were being open. Only one of them didnt want to be prayed over. Anyway, I talked to him in private later and realised the extend to which he was being hurt and the burden of which he was carrying on his shoulder. I really felt like crying then, I felt like holding him close to me and just telling Him that God loves him. I listened to him. I just felt upset and sad that someone had to experience that kind of hurt. The kind of hurt that tears you up on the inside and eats at you. I will pray for him everyday in my life that his prayers are answered. I pray for that stone wall to come crumbling down, and for a heart to melt. I pray for him to experience love, the love that he deserves, that all of us deserve and I pray that God will help him experience the best kind of Love.
Last night was interesting. I became a runner. Someone needed stomach ache medicine, someone needed pink panadol, someone needed to talk, some others needed a quieter place to sleep. I like doing it all for the teens. I don't mind - I love them you see. It was a difficult night: I needed to write notes to those teens in my group, letters to those teens whose parents did not bother doing so, and last but not least to my sis. I took a long time to get started and almost gave up but managed to finish it all by 4am. By which time, almost everyone was asleep.
H.E.L.P. letter Session: We (catechists) were kinda disappointed initially cos some parents had told their children about it and they were spreading it during the camp. But the spirit has His own way of working. Seeing all of my teens (esp my sis) in such a state was really too much for me to take and when I too broke down, it was then that I knew all the sacrifices, the frustrations, the work - it was all worth it.
Last session that I would play a part in - the Sum-up. Dan and I decided to act it out. His part was much more difficult cos he had to be the one 'educating' me. We added in all the points while entertaining the teens with my bhb-ness. :p My sis told me that she enjoyed that session and we hope that it drummed home the message: To Know, Love and Serve Him. It was great working with Dan. Though the whole team had our fair share of disagreements, it worked out in the end cos we all looked to God for guidance. I will end off this entry with what Bridget wrote for me in the bookmark she gave me: And on the 7th Day He gave you rest :)
Monday: Day started a little later cos I had to go Bras Basar to buy material for the concamp sessions so met Ed there and he being the nice guy that he is, treated me to lunch at Jack's Place. What a way to start the week! Then we had a nice chat and all there before moving up to buy the stuff and then get a cab to sch. Things started off slowly. I was apprehensive as I wasnt sure I was going to enjoy FOC esp since it would be the second yr in a row that I was doing background work and the fear of not feeling the sense of belonging overwhelmed me again. However, as it would turn out, I was needed as a facil and though I wasnt really psyched up or prepared for it I decided to take up the challenge. That night was the worst cos I could not sleep though I was in bed since 2am. Kept tossing and turning around and changed so many positions that I think I kinda outdid the karmasutra but I only managed to fall asleep at 5am. 2 hrs of sleep to start the day the freshies arrived.
Tues, Wed & Thurs: Can't rem much just that had to be thick-skinned and suan the engineers to entertain everyone. Our group was called Tau cos of the Franciscan Tau cross but thanks to me (Secret Agent Yan)...the group name was mis-spelt as Tao...so that I could be called Yan Tao! :p we played lots of games over the days and shared during sessions. I felt that the time bet stations at night games was a little awkward but things got better over the days.
Wanna say a BIG thank you to Jeff, Ed, Alan & Wayne for helping me to cut out the cardboard shapes on wed night for my concamp session. It was a really tedious and time-consuming task. Thank God for sending me these angels :D
What I rem feeling during those few days was the overwhelming burden that was getting heavier and heavier as I found out more bad news, most of which I could do nothing about as I was stuck at NUS. Was getting more and more disheartened. Luckily, God always sends us angels to help us. My wonderful Tau group of [Facils] Hannah, Jacob, Kitty, Justin, [Senior] Mari, Audrey, Alexis, Wayne, [Freshies] Teresa, Cheryl, Albert, Marcus, Lionel & Druce. My wonderful neighbour Jon and all those who dropped by my room, talked to, or even smsed from home (Carol)...really appreciate all of you guys!
Can still rem a bit of thurs: we had the games at West Coast park which was quite fun and hung out at Macs after that. Rem taking the pink ballon for Jacob which he was quite embarrassed about. Hannah eventually used it for Bernard (haha the expression on his face was priceless)! I loved the LOM session. Felt that it was the best session that I've ever attended. It was well prepared, well executed and managed to keep our hearts too. I felt the sharing was also very deep and honest esp coming from the freshies. The acting of Paul, Keenan & Justin was just sublime and tear-jerking. Wonderful job guys; totally awed! Just want to share a little from the passage that I like:
"God beholds you individually whoever you are...He sees you and understands you as He made you...He knows what is in you, all your own perculiar feelings and thoughts, your dispositions and likings, your strength and your weaknesses...He interests Himself in all your anxieties and remembrances, all the rising and fallings of your spirit. You do not love yourself better than He loves you...you cannot shrink from pain more than He dislikes you bearing it; and if He puts it on you, it is as you would put it in yourself, if you are wise, for a greater good afterwards"
- Cardinal John Henry Newman Parochial & Plain Sermons Vol III No. 9
Sorry guys, I kinda shortened it cos I'm too lazy to type but basically it shows how much knows us through and through, loves us and that a greater good will come out of our suffering.
I liked the mini p&w esp the first song "Here I am to worship" which already caused me to tear. Spent some time reflecting before deciding to go for praying over and though Am was one of those praying over me, I decided that it was time to be open and let the spirit work. I'm grateful for all the ppl involved and hope that I will continue in this healing process. Recon was good and I had a gd conversation with this Indo priest whose name I still don't know. :) clean sheet of paper. Anyway, thurs night was horrible. There was so much to do and I had to skip the skit prep with Tau. I walked over to Arts to draw money cos I realised that I had spent all my money! and I needed to pay for camp & return jon. Then from arts I walked over to Fong Seng to buy stuff for my angel & mortal, as well as to attempt to find satay sticks or something else to use for my session. I couldnt find anything suitable. Went back to my room and started work. Wrote warm fuzzies for my 6 freshies & angel + mortal. Then started cutting out the remaining cardboard and then thought about what to plan for the session. I was dead tired and couldnt wake up in time the next day. It was Fri and I had not prep the sessions I was supposed to (at least the second one). I was scared. We couldnt get a cab and I kinda hung up on the telephone operator. Fortunately, Nan was around to save the day and he gave Ed n myself a lift to FMM along Holland Road. I was feeling tired, scared & apprehensive: will things work out right? Ed did the most sensible thing: "Nick shall we pray?" And pray we did. For He gives us strength beyond us.
Session 1 was on Self Awareness and I kinda adopted it from a common CSS activity which I had done 3 times in as many yrs. The kids loved it and it went according to plan. Everyone spent so much more time decorating the outside than on the inside (which was supposed to contain their loved ones, those they value, their principles etc). The look on the faces of all the teens after revealing to them that "it was the inside that mattered, not the outside" really made my day.
Session 2 was on Forgiveness and kudos to Wayne who shared with me the idea. I made this board which had the word Self written on it and pasted onto this styrofoam board. Previously, I had been trying to find darts for the teens to throw at it but in the end I had to make do with a big scissors which actually turned out much better than I had anticipated. I got volunteers to come forward (after some sharing questions) to stab the "self" as hard as they can for a Sin that they rem committing. Up stepped forward a few macho guys who really gave it a go and stabbed through the cardboard. The girls didnt want to be outdone and Maureen stabbed quite a few times too! Then the revelation: I cited a few passages from the bible on how we are many parts of One body in Christ and how all our actions affect those in our community and as I peeled away the "self" layer, I revealed the holes in the community layer and showed then how they have "stabbed" those in the community as well. Eventually I revealed a picture of Jesus in the next layer, also with the many holes on it. "Many times when we sin, we don't see how it impacts others, but it does. And though we don't see it, we hurt Jesus too". Then I went on to talk about confession and how when we go for confession, it's not merely the patching up of holes but rather, it's the receiving of a "clean sheet of paper". We start afresh. Praise be to God. The sessions went well and were quite well received. I really couldnt have done it without Him :)
On a side point, I enjoyed playing soccer with the catechist too. Some of them are really good - Br Robert, Peter & Chris! I think we should form a team soon!
Another thing about the camp is about how close it has brought me to others. My sis is one of them - she would find me whenever she had some problem or needed some help and I like this openness. Some of my classmates - Cheryl & Cherlyn - would find me whenever they see me alone and we would chat. Really got to know them better this camp and even others like Fabiola, Averil, Darry, Sudi, Dion etc. Really love these guys :D
Another session that I enjoyed and felt was good was Ed's "Blocks to Love". The moment Ed started his testimony, I started to tear (thank goodness for the dark room). I was getting emotional and it was all being suppressed. Led my first praying over for my Matthew group that night too and I was kinda glad that the teens were being open. Only one of them didnt want to be prayed over. Anyway, I talked to him in private later and realised the extend to which he was being hurt and the burden of which he was carrying on his shoulder. I really felt like crying then, I felt like holding him close to me and just telling Him that God loves him. I listened to him. I just felt upset and sad that someone had to experience that kind of hurt. The kind of hurt that tears you up on the inside and eats at you. I will pray for him everyday in my life that his prayers are answered. I pray for that stone wall to come crumbling down, and for a heart to melt. I pray for him to experience love, the love that he deserves, that all of us deserve and I pray that God will help him experience the best kind of Love.
Last night was interesting. I became a runner. Someone needed stomach ache medicine, someone needed pink panadol, someone needed to talk, some others needed a quieter place to sleep. I like doing it all for the teens. I don't mind - I love them you see. It was a difficult night: I needed to write notes to those teens in my group, letters to those teens whose parents did not bother doing so, and last but not least to my sis. I took a long time to get started and almost gave up but managed to finish it all by 4am. By which time, almost everyone was asleep.
H.E.L.P. letter Session: We (catechists) were kinda disappointed initially cos some parents had told their children about it and they were spreading it during the camp. But the spirit has His own way of working. Seeing all of my teens (esp my sis) in such a state was really too much for me to take and when I too broke down, it was then that I knew all the sacrifices, the frustrations, the work - it was all worth it.
Last session that I would play a part in - the Sum-up. Dan and I decided to act it out. His part was much more difficult cos he had to be the one 'educating' me. We added in all the points while entertaining the teens with my bhb-ness. :p My sis told me that she enjoyed that session and we hope that it drummed home the message: To Know, Love and Serve Him. It was great working with Dan. Though the whole team had our fair share of disagreements, it worked out in the end cos we all looked to God for guidance. I will end off this entry with what Bridget wrote for me in the bookmark she gave me: And on the 7th Day He gave you rest :)
Monday, June 13, 2005
ME
its very heartening to see u happy u know.....cos u're always worried or sian abt stuff.
Those were the words of my fren to me on msn jus now. It just struck me. Not that it's surprising but... Another fren says that if someone didnt know me and read my blog, I would be mistaken for a depressed person. hmmm...
Actually there is truth in that. I don't get happy easily nowadays but I still am a simple person who is contented with little. I find pleasure in small things but I guess when I blog or share stuff with frens, it tends to be the more depressing thoughts? But I am happy and grateful for many things in my life!
For FOC Outreach!!
For my results!!
For my Family, Friends!!
For giving me a chance to serve Him.
There're so many things to do and I can feel the stress lingering but I still have this belief that I will do it. I will accomplish it all. Cos I know that He gives me strength when I do His work.
Anyway, I don't want to be knowns as a dark person who showed little joy. So I guess I should share happy things/times too ya? Will do more of that...for now...FOC 2005 & Confirmation Camp 2005...here I come!
Those were the words of my fren to me on msn jus now. It just struck me. Not that it's surprising but... Another fren says that if someone didnt know me and read my blog, I would be mistaken for a depressed person. hmmm...
Actually there is truth in that. I don't get happy easily nowadays but I still am a simple person who is contented with little. I find pleasure in small things but I guess when I blog or share stuff with frens, it tends to be the more depressing thoughts? But I am happy and grateful for many things in my life!
For FOC Outreach!!
For my results!!
For my Family, Friends!!
For giving me a chance to serve Him.
There're so many things to do and I can feel the stress lingering but I still have this belief that I will do it. I will accomplish it all. Cos I know that He gives me strength when I do His work.
Anyway, I don't want to be knowns as a dark person who showed little joy. So I guess I should share happy things/times too ya? Will do more of that...for now...FOC 2005 & Confirmation Camp 2005...here I come!
Sunday, June 12, 2005
5 ppl you meet in heaven
I have heard of the book b4 but never read it. I watched the movie jus now on Channel 17. A wonderful movie. Been some time since I cried. Here are some lines I like:
"Strangers are only family you've not yet met"
sacrifices: "people only see what they have lost and not what others have gained"
"hatred is a curved sword - you not only hurt others, you hurt yourself"
It's really touching and sad. But the most amazing thing that happened was when during on of the last scenes I started tearing, I turned to check if my dad had seen me tearing but instead I realised that he was tearing as well and I smiled to myself for that was the first time in my life I have seen him tear (or at least the only time I rem). I used to think that my emotional side came from my mum. I'm not too sure now. :p
"Strangers are only family you've not yet met"
sacrifices: "people only see what they have lost and not what others have gained"
"hatred is a curved sword - you not only hurt others, you hurt yourself"
It's really touching and sad. But the most amazing thing that happened was when during on of the last scenes I started tearing, I turned to check if my dad had seen me tearing but instead I realised that he was tearing as well and I smiled to myself for that was the first time in my life I have seen him tear (or at least the only time I rem). I used to think that my emotional side came from my mum. I'm not too sure now. :p
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
the calm before the storm
you know how there is this peace and quiet just before the peak of the storm...like you are at the eye of the tornado or something. That's what I feel right now. There's just so much to do and so little time. In slightly over a week, time is gonna drag by and might even be felt to be inconsequential what I do with it, but for now, for this week till the 19th of June, it's one mad hectic pace.
You know how you start off feeling so passionate and inspired about something only to lose steam and momentum as you stumble towards the finishing line. I guess it best fits my commitment to FOC Publicity and ConCamp. Thankfully, I have the ppl in it to make it easier to bear. I guess for me the outreach experience has taught me independence. I've learnt to rely on myself and do things on my own. More importantly, it has also taught me providence. You only have to do your best and He will provide the rest. So many times we were short of ppl and then God provided like 6-8 ppl when at first there were 2. :) Last but not least, it has taught me never to think that....somehow I don't know how to phrase it...put it into words. It's like you feel lazy and you think that it's ok if you skip the earliest mass (I mean who in hell goes for the earliest mass) but I still go down anyway and I get a name to signup. I guess every little gesture/action counts and if you choose not to do it, I guess you will never really know how it might have affect or influenced others in their own little ways. I guess what I can say about outreach is that I gave it my all, definitely not out of convenience and though I did not hit the personal objective of surpassing MarkG's total signups last yr, I guess I will accept what we have. A BIG THANK YOU to all those who helped make FOC Outreach 2005 such a wonderful success. It would never have been possible w/o every single one of you who so selflessly gave of your time and of yourself. Let's hope most of the signups come for our FOC. :)
On a VERY good note, I was pleased when I realised that I could get back all my old posts in my private blog which had been taken offline some time back as the server for that blog was down. So spent some time reading thru the last few entries (the latest was New Yr's this yr) and felt happy. But now I have a problem. I have two private blogs and I doubt there is a way to combine the two. Man.
Want to end off by thanking God for my results this sem, though it's only 3 mods, I'm VERY VERY grateful for what He has given me. PTL.
And so here we go, a week of activity.
You know how you start off feeling so passionate and inspired about something only to lose steam and momentum as you stumble towards the finishing line. I guess it best fits my commitment to FOC Publicity and ConCamp. Thankfully, I have the ppl in it to make it easier to bear. I guess for me the outreach experience has taught me independence. I've learnt to rely on myself and do things on my own. More importantly, it has also taught me providence. You only have to do your best and He will provide the rest. So many times we were short of ppl and then God provided like 6-8 ppl when at first there were 2. :) Last but not least, it has taught me never to think that....somehow I don't know how to phrase it...put it into words. It's like you feel lazy and you think that it's ok if you skip the earliest mass (I mean who in hell goes for the earliest mass) but I still go down anyway and I get a name to signup. I guess every little gesture/action counts and if you choose not to do it, I guess you will never really know how it might have affect or influenced others in their own little ways. I guess what I can say about outreach is that I gave it my all, definitely not out of convenience and though I did not hit the personal objective of surpassing MarkG's total signups last yr, I guess I will accept what we have. A BIG THANK YOU to all those who helped make FOC Outreach 2005 such a wonderful success. It would never have been possible w/o every single one of you who so selflessly gave of your time and of yourself. Let's hope most of the signups come for our FOC. :)
On a VERY good note, I was pleased when I realised that I could get back all my old posts in my private blog which had been taken offline some time back as the server for that blog was down. So spent some time reading thru the last few entries (the latest was New Yr's this yr) and felt happy. But now I have a problem. I have two private blogs and I doubt there is a way to combine the two. Man.
Want to end off by thanking God for my results this sem, though it's only 3 mods, I'm VERY VERY grateful for what He has given me. PTL.
And so here we go, a week of activity.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Glad (but tired)
Just came back home not too long ago. quite a satisfying day though I'm dead-beat. Had confirmation camp meeting at Raffles Place mrt and it went well, esp since Ed treated us to Kayatoast & Teh~, then we went for lunch and ate Chicken Rice which was damn gd b4 Dan chia~ me teh-c ice blended. heh.
went down to sch but was super early but managed to settle some confirmation camp stuff...many thanks to Alan who stayed back to help me! :)
then went for the social work thank-you dinner thingy. It was nice and small; we had a little buffet thingy and we ate, talked n mingled in the conference room. I really love these ppl man. Kinda reinforces my decision to cross over to the bright side! ;) (sorry psych ppl) I can say for sure the fellowship that we enjoy in the social work dept cannot be found in any other faculty or major in arts.
Anyway, managed to talk to CG who is doing his placement at IMH under my sup. Appears that the situation is damn jialat this time round man n they even had a trashing out session where one girl actually broke down and cried. Tt's the prob with MH n Vin lah...I feel that their intentions are gd and that at the end we learn a lot but the means they use to reach tt ends isn't exactly what I would call ideal. I rem that it took me close to the end of placement before I finally lost it and gave them a piece of my mind. I lasted a few weeks more than them. I hope things get better for them man. I wonder how I managed to get thru those 400 hrs unscathed.
Anyway, the most interesting part of the evening came when Prof Ngiam the Head of the Social Work dept offered to bring us to his country club so that we can play pool. We ended up teaching him how to play and eventually CY n myself won 3-2 againist Prof Ngiam and Far. heh and we didnt give chance ok! you know I love pool lah but I just suck at it and to go with the lack of skill, I have no luck either.
Oh well, really tired now. gonna zzZZ soon...
thank you God for all these. just help me through all my commitments and I will spend more time with You.
went down to sch but was super early but managed to settle some confirmation camp stuff...many thanks to Alan who stayed back to help me! :)
then went for the social work thank-you dinner thingy. It was nice and small; we had a little buffet thingy and we ate, talked n mingled in the conference room. I really love these ppl man. Kinda reinforces my decision to cross over to the bright side! ;) (sorry psych ppl) I can say for sure the fellowship that we enjoy in the social work dept cannot be found in any other faculty or major in arts.
Anyway, managed to talk to CG who is doing his placement at IMH under my sup. Appears that the situation is damn jialat this time round man n they even had a trashing out session where one girl actually broke down and cried. Tt's the prob with MH n Vin lah...I feel that their intentions are gd and that at the end we learn a lot but the means they use to reach tt ends isn't exactly what I would call ideal. I rem that it took me close to the end of placement before I finally lost it and gave them a piece of my mind. I lasted a few weeks more than them. I hope things get better for them man. I wonder how I managed to get thru those 400 hrs unscathed.
Anyway, the most interesting part of the evening came when Prof Ngiam the Head of the Social Work dept offered to bring us to his country club so that we can play pool. We ended up teaching him how to play and eventually CY n myself won 3-2 againist Prof Ngiam and Far. heh and we didnt give chance ok! you know I love pool lah but I just suck at it and to go with the lack of skill, I have no luck either.
Oh well, really tired now. gonna zzZZ soon...
thank you God for all these. just help me through all my commitments and I will spend more time with You.
Sunday, May 29, 2005
The Beach
how apt a post for this blog ya? ;) and no, I'm not talking about the dog.
In the movie, these group of people believe they have found paradise but what lies beneath this immaculate beach with powder-white sand and crystal clear waters is the attempt to sweep any unhappiness under the rug as is evident when Christo who had been attacked by a shark was left alone in the forest to fend for himself. "it was too much for everyone to take" and "out of sight, out of mind" were some of the disturbing lines that encapsulated the facade behind "paradise". Only Essesien (spelling?) even bothered to voice it out but eventually gave in to the group norm. Can a utopia exist on this earth? I doubt it. The peace, tranquility and beauty of people and places are but facades which reveal its true repulsive center only when its interiors are peeled away layer by layer. It's just how long you take to discover it. And when you do, whether you're gonna choose to ignore it to maintain your "utopia" or whether you choose to accept that utopia does not exist. Not in this world at least.
In the movie, these group of people believe they have found paradise but what lies beneath this immaculate beach with powder-white sand and crystal clear waters is the attempt to sweep any unhappiness under the rug as is evident when Christo who had been attacked by a shark was left alone in the forest to fend for himself. "it was too much for everyone to take" and "out of sight, out of mind" were some of the disturbing lines that encapsulated the facade behind "paradise". Only Essesien (spelling?) even bothered to voice it out but eventually gave in to the group norm. Can a utopia exist on this earth? I doubt it. The peace, tranquility and beauty of people and places are but facades which reveal its true repulsive center only when its interiors are peeled away layer by layer. It's just how long you take to discover it. And when you do, whether you're gonna choose to ignore it to maintain your "utopia" or whether you choose to accept that utopia does not exist. Not in this world at least.
Monday, May 23, 2005
Busy & Tired
I guess these 2 adjectives would describe my week and how I've been.
There's good in it too of cos as always. It's a matter of whether you see it or not. Saturday was the worst. Woke up early to go to sch to help out with the social work booth for NUS open house. It was real fun. I guess having such wonderful & dynamic ppl in social work really helps. No offense but can really see the contrast between the psych ppl who were blatantly blocking us. No wonder come 1st July, the Department of Social Work would have become an independent department. :) But I guess having all us dynamic and vibrant social work students helps to make up for the lack of interest shown by the in-coming batch in social work. I mean this in relative terms, especially when compared to psych; psych automatically draws ppl in, we have to draw ppl to our booths. Anyway, it was fun and sharing my personal experience of social work, my placement, what sw means to me, future prospects etc is really fun. Even met this guy who knows my bro and is already certain that social work is what he wants to do. For the rest, I just hope I planted the seed, that they will at least take social work as an elective and as I did, learn to love it :)
Rushed to Church, then rushed to St Berns. Quite interesting church and as usu the ppl there are usu either too young (ie sec sch) or too old. Noticed something too. I noticed how this ang mo guy looked after his kids. He let his 3/4 yr old son (the older) play in the rain/drizzle and instead of pacifiying his younger child, he let it cry it out. The only prob is that it didnt stop crying! just realised how diff an Asian father would have handled the situation. Am pretty sure of that!
Sunday was also busy but I decided to leave early lah cos was starting to feel more n more sianz. So here I am. I hope to get more rest this week and tomolo will be time spent with Family :)
ciao~
There's good in it too of cos as always. It's a matter of whether you see it or not. Saturday was the worst. Woke up early to go to sch to help out with the social work booth for NUS open house. It was real fun. I guess having such wonderful & dynamic ppl in social work really helps. No offense but can really see the contrast between the psych ppl who were blatantly blocking us. No wonder come 1st July, the Department of Social Work would have become an independent department. :) But I guess having all us dynamic and vibrant social work students helps to make up for the lack of interest shown by the in-coming batch in social work. I mean this in relative terms, especially when compared to psych; psych automatically draws ppl in, we have to draw ppl to our booths. Anyway, it was fun and sharing my personal experience of social work, my placement, what sw means to me, future prospects etc is really fun. Even met this guy who knows my bro and is already certain that social work is what he wants to do. For the rest, I just hope I planted the seed, that they will at least take social work as an elective and as I did, learn to love it :)
Rushed to Church, then rushed to St Berns. Quite interesting church and as usu the ppl there are usu either too young (ie sec sch) or too old. Noticed something too. I noticed how this ang mo guy looked after his kids. He let his 3/4 yr old son (the older) play in the rain/drizzle and instead of pacifiying his younger child, he let it cry it out. The only prob is that it didnt stop crying! just realised how diff an Asian father would have handled the situation. Am pretty sure of that!
Sunday was also busy but I decided to leave early lah cos was starting to feel more n more sianz. So here I am. I hope to get more rest this week and tomolo will be time spent with Family :)
ciao~
Monday, May 16, 2005
"Dusty" & EPL heartbreak
Hey all,
as you guys already can see, our family just got a puppy. SHE is a Cocker Spaniel and for now she is called "Dusty". I know, I'm thinking twice about the name now but then we all just felt it really suited her! It's like she kinda looks dusty and she keeps exploring all the corners of the house which are dusty and gets real dusty in the process! Then when we put her in the box to sleep, she crept out and slept on the dusty fan instead. She looks kinda sad huh? Cos she was just separated from her mum today but don't worry she's better now. Began exploring and stuff and playing ard a little. But I'm gonna miss her when I go for my retreat from mon-wed man. :(
Anyway, tonight was the most exciting EPL night of the season! Relegation battles are always full of determination, grit followed by inevitable heartbreak and tears. Tonight was no exception but for the first time in EPL history, 3 teams were all relegated only on the last day. Norwich started the day with the advantage but it swung to Southamtom's side when they took the lead against Manyoo and Fulham scored. Then after Manyoo equalised Southamtom's lead hung by a thread. True to the drama expected of a night like this, Manyoo took the lead against the Saints and the Baggies (West Bromich) took the lead against Portsmouth. Then Crystal Palace who were losing against Charlton scored twice to steer ahead of the Baggies b4 Charlton equalised to condemn Crystal Palace to life in the 1st Division. Felt that the Saints had the hardest opponents whereas the Baggies had the easiest. Oh well, they'll live to fight another day. But for today, they should lift their heads up high for they gave a good fight (except Norwich ;)
as you guys already can see, our family just got a puppy. SHE is a Cocker Spaniel and for now she is called "Dusty". I know, I'm thinking twice about the name now but then we all just felt it really suited her! It's like she kinda looks dusty and she keeps exploring all the corners of the house which are dusty and gets real dusty in the process! Then when we put her in the box to sleep, she crept out and slept on the dusty fan instead. She looks kinda sad huh? Cos she was just separated from her mum today but don't worry she's better now. Began exploring and stuff and playing ard a little. But I'm gonna miss her when I go for my retreat from mon-wed man. :(
Anyway, tonight was the most exciting EPL night of the season! Relegation battles are always full of determination, grit followed by inevitable heartbreak and tears. Tonight was no exception but for the first time in EPL history, 3 teams were all relegated only on the last day. Norwich started the day with the advantage but it swung to Southamtom's side when they took the lead against Manyoo and Fulham scored. Then after Manyoo equalised Southamtom's lead hung by a thread. True to the drama expected of a night like this, Manyoo took the lead against the Saints and the Baggies (West Bromich) took the lead against Portsmouth. Then Crystal Palace who were losing against Charlton scored twice to steer ahead of the Baggies b4 Charlton equalised to condemn Crystal Palace to life in the 1st Division. Felt that the Saints had the hardest opponents whereas the Baggies had the easiest. Oh well, they'll live to fight another day. But for today, they should lift their heads up high for they gave a good fight (except Norwich ;)
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Saturday, May 14, 2005
work work work but I lift it up to You
I don't rem a single day that I have had time to spend for myself. Last few hols, I will always make time to spend with me mum but this hols I have yet to spend any time with her save for one short lunch. I've been busy, every min, every day. Not that I want to complain. A lot of it has its moments of joy. Hanging out with Jon n philosophical (though I admit sometimes irritating) greg has been fun & interesting. Been talking on the phone too and it's refreshing. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning to trust. I still bitch a lot though...about Church IC whom I feel are not committed. But of cos, there're some who impress me too. Running ard from Church to Church. From one activity of outreach to another of catechism. Class went rather better than expected today. Realise that you have to bring the enthusiasiam of the class. Cos was afraid tt the class wouldnt take too kindly to having to move ard church (1) blind, (2) without arms, or (3) on 1 leg. heh but they did anyway (well not all but at least they did the activity). The purpose was to show the need for community, to complement each other and to achieve more. Tt combined with Acts 2:38-47 & 1Corin12 (many parts, one body) hopefully did the job. Kinda bonded with them too. After tt had a great dinner with Alan, Ed, Carol & Jeff...great company. Just glad that we managed to talk about certain stuff too tt was bothering some of us. heh. anyway the work is tough, tiring and taxing but He gives us strength. Alleluia.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
The Imperfect Me
I wanted to go sch early this morn to watch The Simpsons in the lib but couldn't wake up so went to sch just in time to meet Dr Ng. She's really very nice and doesn't heap all the work onto me (unlike some other lecturer). Anyway, there's a lot of work to be done but I spent most of the time since I came home doing it till now. Now it's mainly the filing and other paper work that has to be done. I'm a Editorial Assistant Extraordinaire!
Anyway, I'm a perfectionist. I hate it sometimes but I don't want ANYthing to go wrong and I hate it when people doing the same proj/activity/event as me cannot or is not willing to put in the amount of effort that I'm putting in. I expect 100% all the time otherwise f*** off! I know this is a problem and I want to change but I can't. Things must go well, if not at least show me (for myself esp) that you have done your best. Nothing less.
Anyway, maybe my perfectionist streak is a form of reaction-formation. I seriously think that it is very likely. There are so many things about myself that I want to change and so many others that I hate. I just feel so inadequate and and I'm not good enough to do this, achieve this, to be with this person (my fav phrase: pei bu shang), to be a good social worker/friend/family member...whatever. It just sickens me to the core to feel like this but I just do. No freaking amounts of As or successes in specific areas seem to be able to lift my S.E. HA!~ and to think that some ppl think that I'm confident and have a big ego. oh well. I think I have three layers. 1st layer: the confident and self-assured guy. Ppl (esp those who don't really know me in sw) get impressed and know me as the "smart guy". Those who know me much better see the 2nd layer: the anxious and perfectionist streak in me. They would include the CSS ppl and my sw proj grp mates etc. They know that I'm not perfect, they see my flaws and faults but they also know that I can be nice and that I can be fun & serious at diff times. The 3rd layer: the bastard in me, the emotional vulnerable me...the me that bleeds but cannot heal. The me that hates and plots vengence...the Me that I wish would just die but still remains. The me seldom people see.
I just feel imperfect. I know all of us are but some are more imperfect than others and tt's me.
Anyway, I'm a perfectionist. I hate it sometimes but I don't want ANYthing to go wrong and I hate it when people doing the same proj/activity/event as me cannot or is not willing to put in the amount of effort that I'm putting in. I expect 100% all the time otherwise f*** off! I know this is a problem and I want to change but I can't. Things must go well, if not at least show me (for myself esp) that you have done your best. Nothing less.
Anyway, maybe my perfectionist streak is a form of reaction-formation. I seriously think that it is very likely. There are so many things about myself that I want to change and so many others that I hate. I just feel so inadequate and and I'm not good enough to do this, achieve this, to be with this person (my fav phrase: pei bu shang), to be a good social worker/friend/family member...whatever. It just sickens me to the core to feel like this but I just do. No freaking amounts of As or successes in specific areas seem to be able to lift my S.E. HA!~ and to think that some ppl think that I'm confident and have a big ego. oh well. I think I have three layers. 1st layer: the confident and self-assured guy. Ppl (esp those who don't really know me in sw) get impressed and know me as the "smart guy". Those who know me much better see the 2nd layer: the anxious and perfectionist streak in me. They would include the CSS ppl and my sw proj grp mates etc. They know that I'm not perfect, they see my flaws and faults but they also know that I can be nice and that I can be fun & serious at diff times. The 3rd layer: the bastard in me, the emotional vulnerable me...the me that bleeds but cannot heal. The me that hates and plots vengence...the Me that I wish would just die but still remains. The me seldom people see.
I just feel imperfect. I know all of us are but some are more imperfect than others and tt's me.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Morality
Was talking to Jon today and now thoughts are swarming in my head.
Basically, the thing that struck n is stuck with me is if you do NOT commit evil because you do not want to go to hell or want to avoid wrong-doing, isn't it a selfish act. I feel that why we do not do evil acts is usually cos of our principles and values in which we have been socialised into from birth. Thus, in a sense it is not selfish cos tt's the way we have been taught. But then, the fundamental basis for these principles/values are to avoid wrong-doing and if you're Christian, to avoid eternal damnation. So isn't the very basis for this selfish?
An example to illustrate: If you were forced to either (1) choose 3 out of 10 ppl to be shot dead to survive 7 others, (2) refuse to choose any and allow all 10 to die, which would YOU choose? In this example, you cannot choose urself to be killed. By right, we should never condemn anyone to die so choice (1) seems to be the immoral answer. By choosing choice (2), we may be choosing the morally correct answer cos we are not choosing ppl to be put to death but is it becos we are selfish and do not want to end up responsible for the death of these 3 ppl? Is it becos you do not want the blood of these 3 human beings on your hands??
Anyway, is morality really absolute? Then why do have different views of what is right and wrong. Why are there exceptions to situations whereby euthanasia/abortion may seem to be justified...how can we justify these exceptions? I believe that the incongruence is due to the fact that we are unable to fully accept the moral absolutes. This incongruence thus leads us to think that there may be exceptions, therefore meaning morality is subjective whereas morality is in fact absolute. Sigh. I seem to be going in circles.
Enough of this for now. If I can get it out of my head.
Basically, the thing that struck n is stuck with me is if you do NOT commit evil because you do not want to go to hell or want to avoid wrong-doing, isn't it a selfish act. I feel that why we do not do evil acts is usually cos of our principles and values in which we have been socialised into from birth. Thus, in a sense it is not selfish cos tt's the way we have been taught. But then, the fundamental basis for these principles/values are to avoid wrong-doing and if you're Christian, to avoid eternal damnation. So isn't the very basis for this selfish?
An example to illustrate: If you were forced to either (1) choose 3 out of 10 ppl to be shot dead to survive 7 others, (2) refuse to choose any and allow all 10 to die, which would YOU choose? In this example, you cannot choose urself to be killed. By right, we should never condemn anyone to die so choice (1) seems to be the immoral answer. By choosing choice (2), we may be choosing the morally correct answer cos we are not choosing ppl to be put to death but is it becos we are selfish and do not want to end up responsible for the death of these 3 ppl? Is it becos you do not want the blood of these 3 human beings on your hands??
Anyway, is morality really absolute? Then why do have different views of what is right and wrong. Why are there exceptions to situations whereby euthanasia/abortion may seem to be justified...how can we justify these exceptions? I believe that the incongruence is due to the fact that we are unable to fully accept the moral absolutes. This incongruence thus leads us to think that there may be exceptions, therefore meaning morality is subjective whereas morality is in fact absolute. Sigh. I seem to be going in circles.
Enough of this for now. If I can get it out of my head.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
A Little Respect
I tried to discover a little something to make me sweeter
Oh baby refrain from breaking my heart
I'm so in love with you
I'll be forever blue
That you give me no reason, you know you're making me work so hard
That you give me no . . . soul
I hear you calling
Oh baby please give a little respect to me.
And if i should falter, would you open your arms out to me?
We can make love not war, and live in peace with our hearts
I'm so in love with you, i'll be forever blue
What religion or reason could drive a man to forsake his lover?
Don't you tell me no. . . soul.
I hear you calling
Oh baby please, give a little respect to me.
I'm so in love with you
I'll be forever blue
That you give me no reason
You know you're making me work so hard
That you give me no. soul.
I hear you calling.
Oh baby, please give a little respect to me.
Oh baby, please give a little respect to me.
Oh baby refrain from breaking my heart
I'm so in love with you
I'll be forever blue
That you give me no reason, you know you're making me work so hard
That you give me no . . . soul
I hear you calling
Oh baby please give a little respect to me.
And if i should falter, would you open your arms out to me?
We can make love not war, and live in peace with our hearts
I'm so in love with you, i'll be forever blue
What religion or reason could drive a man to forsake his lover?
Don't you tell me no. . . soul.
I hear you calling
Oh baby please, give a little respect to me.
I'm so in love with you
I'll be forever blue
That you give me no reason
You know you're making me work so hard
That you give me no. soul.
I hear you calling.
Oh baby, please give a little respect to me.
Oh baby, please give a little respect to me.
:(
I don't know whether you guys have noticed but I'm trying to keep a positive outlook esp on my blog and in my life in general. I don't want ppl to comment that my blog is depressing and ppl chancing upon it would probably think so. I agree with some of the readings I read, namely on the Psychology of Mind and Health Realisation, that it is up to YOU to determine whether you want to be happy or otherwise. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that you can just snap out of a bad/sad/depressed mood but I'm saying that at the end of the wallowing and dwelling, YOU have to make that decision to move on and make something different in your life.
Just this wed, I had dinner with Nan and we talked about a lot of stuff. While talking to him, I surprised even myself with my somewhat optimisitc and carefree orientation. I want to be like that. I like it that way.
Now, I'm struggling to shake off this pain inside of me! No, I doubt its my knee which started hurting during soccer (w/o any tackles or running - sigh). It's the heaviness I carry. Can't explain it. Can't stand it. I want it to go away. I want to plan for Cat Class but I'm just so distracted. I'm worried about outreach but I can't make it today. There's so many worries swimming, swarming my head but I can't let it go. My heaviness is dragging me down but I have to let it go. There are others who need the strong me. I need the strong me to function. God grant me my strong me. Lift away my heaviness, sadness, pain. Deliver me.
Just this wed, I had dinner with Nan and we talked about a lot of stuff. While talking to him, I surprised even myself with my somewhat optimisitc and carefree orientation. I want to be like that. I like it that way.
Now, I'm struggling to shake off this pain inside of me! No, I doubt its my knee which started hurting during soccer (w/o any tackles or running - sigh). It's the heaviness I carry. Can't explain it. Can't stand it. I want it to go away. I want to plan for Cat Class but I'm just so distracted. I'm worried about outreach but I can't make it today. There's so many worries swimming, swarming my head but I can't let it go. My heaviness is dragging me down but I have to let it go. There are others who need the strong me. I need the strong me to function. God grant me my strong me. Lift away my heaviness, sadness, pain. Deliver me.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
When I 1st learnt to drive
ML Course
Was thinking back to the time when I learnt to drive in the army. It was a rather stressful experience I must say. I went for the ML (military license) course where you learn to drive a 3-tonner in 5 weeks. I remember my instructor vividly. He's this chee-na, super sarcastic and irritating guy. He would scold me, slap my hands, and make exaggerated rocking gestures to simulate lousy driving. And mind you, he's a bloody civilian and not an army regular. But on thinking back, I have him to thank for many things. I rem that when we were at the driving circuit on the 1st day, I was eager to start driving and experimenting. Unfortunately, he brought me to a corner of the circuit and there I began my training. As others whizzed haphazardously past me, there I was stationary, practising "clutching in fast, releasing slowly" and the changing of gears without looking at it. I did this till my legs started aching, without any mileage covered. I rem being damn frustrated that day; everyone else was bragging about driving the damn rover and it seemed that only my details of 4 hadn't covered an inch. On retrospect, it held me in good stead cos I got my basics right and had good clutch control and could change gears without looking and all; I just had to focus on the road.
I rem a particular fri when I had a crap driving day when everything seemed to go wrong, I was getting incessant scoldings from Mr Ooi, and I couldnt do anything right. On the following monday however, I had a complete turn-around and you know you have really improved when ur instructor ask you, "you practiced illegally over the weekend right?" I rem I kept smiling to myself, not becos I was guilty but becos I KNEW that it was a compliment. One of the most daunting parts of the course was switching from a rover to a 3-tonner. I felt intimidated and really frightened. I mean it's like a freaking truck now, I could kill someone and amazingly, all the instructors claim it's the same as driving a rover and we didn't have to pass any test in order to start driving a 3-tonner. Oh well, I made that transition and ya I still feel quite scared driving the 3-tonner. Oh well.
Anyway, I took the test at Choa Chu Kang. I rem I was in the first detail and I kena this damn fierce-looking Indian Encik. Amazingly I passed the first time getting 10 points (12 is the failing mark) and from that point on, we were treated like kings in the course (cos not many passed the 1st time) and we would have nothing to do during afternoons cos they wanted to concentrate on the rest. So, 8th Dec 2000 marks the day I passed my driving.
V200 Course
I also had the privilege to learn how to drive the V200 in the army. It's supposed to be an amphibious vehicle though I'm pretty sure it'll sink. And rumour has it that the SAF got the V200s from the U.S. as part of some treaty for a puny $1 each, though each tyre costs like $7k to replace. How ingenious. Anyway, it was really scary driving the tank-on-wheels along the roads of Yishun but I must it was also very fun (when we were not driving) cos we went out in groups of 4/5 and each of us took a diff portion. Then whenever we drove past the pri schs right the kids will run beside the v200 and we'll wave to them and act macho. heh. I rem one particularly memorable drive where I was doing quite well and the Encik let me drive all the way from Khatib Camp to Lentor to Nanyang Poly and even managed to cover Sembawang Park. It was really fun and enjoyable. Rem the rough terrain obstacle courses too, didnt enjoy that as much. I'm gratefully for learning how to drive the V200 man and I love it so much more than the tonner. heh.
Driving in Camp
I think that was when my driving skills were at its peak cos we had to drive everyday in camp and there were certain sections that really helped us to improve. I was most proud of my clutch control cos I could control the vehicle on a slope using just the clutch without stepping on the brake or accelerator. Reversing is my worst skill! I kept practising but it still didn't improve much and I never really could floor the accelerator and reverse like some of the other midfielders. Even to this day, I never accelerate while driving outside. I shall not mention others things that we did in camp here. That's supper conversation material, not something I want on my blog. :p
Another thing I realised is that when I drove in the army, all my frustrations were let out there. I drove safely outside with my dad's car. Unfortunately, I now drive well...not as safely lah. This is something I have to work on lah. As with the most humji slogan ard, RSAF's Safety First, Always, I think I shd learn to drive more safely esp when others are in the car. heh.
Anyway it was just nice thinking back to all these driving memories. :)
Was thinking back to the time when I learnt to drive in the army. It was a rather stressful experience I must say. I went for the ML (military license) course where you learn to drive a 3-tonner in 5 weeks. I remember my instructor vividly. He's this chee-na, super sarcastic and irritating guy. He would scold me, slap my hands, and make exaggerated rocking gestures to simulate lousy driving. And mind you, he's a bloody civilian and not an army regular. But on thinking back, I have him to thank for many things. I rem that when we were at the driving circuit on the 1st day, I was eager to start driving and experimenting. Unfortunately, he brought me to a corner of the circuit and there I began my training. As others whizzed haphazardously past me, there I was stationary, practising "clutching in fast, releasing slowly" and the changing of gears without looking at it. I did this till my legs started aching, without any mileage covered. I rem being damn frustrated that day; everyone else was bragging about driving the damn rover and it seemed that only my details of 4 hadn't covered an inch. On retrospect, it held me in good stead cos I got my basics right and had good clutch control and could change gears without looking and all; I just had to focus on the road.
I rem a particular fri when I had a crap driving day when everything seemed to go wrong, I was getting incessant scoldings from Mr Ooi, and I couldnt do anything right. On the following monday however, I had a complete turn-around and you know you have really improved when ur instructor ask you, "you practiced illegally over the weekend right?" I rem I kept smiling to myself, not becos I was guilty but becos I KNEW that it was a compliment. One of the most daunting parts of the course was switching from a rover to a 3-tonner. I felt intimidated and really frightened. I mean it's like a freaking truck now, I could kill someone and amazingly, all the instructors claim it's the same as driving a rover and we didn't have to pass any test in order to start driving a 3-tonner. Oh well, I made that transition and ya I still feel quite scared driving the 3-tonner. Oh well.
Anyway, I took the test at Choa Chu Kang. I rem I was in the first detail and I kena this damn fierce-looking Indian Encik. Amazingly I passed the first time getting 10 points (12 is the failing mark) and from that point on, we were treated like kings in the course (cos not many passed the 1st time) and we would have nothing to do during afternoons cos they wanted to concentrate on the rest. So, 8th Dec 2000 marks the day I passed my driving.
V200 Course
I also had the privilege to learn how to drive the V200 in the army. It's supposed to be an amphibious vehicle though I'm pretty sure it'll sink. And rumour has it that the SAF got the V200s from the U.S. as part of some treaty for a puny $1 each, though each tyre costs like $7k to replace. How ingenious. Anyway, it was really scary driving the tank-on-wheels along the roads of Yishun but I must it was also very fun (when we were not driving) cos we went out in groups of 4/5 and each of us took a diff portion. Then whenever we drove past the pri schs right the kids will run beside the v200 and we'll wave to them and act macho. heh. I rem one particularly memorable drive where I was doing quite well and the Encik let me drive all the way from Khatib Camp to Lentor to Nanyang Poly and even managed to cover Sembawang Park. It was really fun and enjoyable. Rem the rough terrain obstacle courses too, didnt enjoy that as much. I'm gratefully for learning how to drive the V200 man and I love it so much more than the tonner. heh.
Driving in Camp
I think that was when my driving skills were at its peak cos we had to drive everyday in camp and there were certain sections that really helped us to improve. I was most proud of my clutch control cos I could control the vehicle on a slope using just the clutch without stepping on the brake or accelerator. Reversing is my worst skill! I kept practising but it still didn't improve much and I never really could floor the accelerator and reverse like some of the other midfielders. Even to this day, I never accelerate while driving outside. I shall not mention others things that we did in camp here. That's supper conversation material, not something I want on my blog. :p
Another thing I realised is that when I drove in the army, all my frustrations were let out there. I drove safely outside with my dad's car. Unfortunately, I now drive well...not as safely lah. This is something I have to work on lah. As with the most humji slogan ard, RSAF's Safety First, Always, I think I shd learn to drive more safely esp when others are in the car. heh.
Anyway it was just nice thinking back to all these driving memories. :)
Monday, May 02, 2005
Disclaimers
1. Please replace Kate & Leotard with Kate & Leopold. No more snipe comments pls! :p
2. The song from the previous blog is not "I'm in Heaven" but "Feels like heaven".
3. The addy who commented on my blog is different from addie who comments on my blog. Sorry!! :)
And last but NOT least, a piece of good news. I was added to msn! :D
2. The song from the previous blog is not "I'm in Heaven" but "Feels like heaven".
3. The addy who commented on my blog is different from addie who comments on my blog. Sorry!! :)
And last but NOT least, a piece of good news. I was added to msn! :D
Saturday, April 30, 2005
1st Non-relative Wedding
Just came back from Ben & Regina's Wedding. Was a very nice laid-back affair. Very different from the ones I know when everything is being fussed about and you have to maintain a certain amount of decorum. The wedding mass was good though I felt that Fr Richards was a little...err...scary? Saying that there was "no guarantee the marriage would last"! Anyway mass had 2 of my fav hymns...will type them out at the end of the blog.
You guys must check this out: the shocking pink cab that the wedding couple traveled in. But I already had 2 comments about the Hello Kitty.
Anyway, we proceeded to Goodwood Park Hotel for lunch. It was a really simple affair but I enjoyed the company of Alan, Bridget, Debbie, Jacq & Vincent. It was really funny. I decided to imitate what medieval gentlemen did - I stood up whenever the ladies wanted to leave the table. Thanks a mill to Alan who pangseh me. Anyway I got the idea from Kate & Leotard which I got glimpses of last week? haha then Debbie tried testing me but I was too busy eating. Man, no wonder they don't do such things anymore! You have to pay attention to the ladies' movements, then stop eating everytime the ladies leave! haha...but it was rather fun! Anyway what do you call a medevial gentleman? a SNOG! Sensitive Old Age Guy. Tt's what bridget said anyway. Debbie and her learnt what SNAG means today.
Anyway, another lesson learnt: always UNDER-estimate a girl's age if you want to get off on the right footing with her. Muhahaha...I over-estimated Jacq's age by 5 yrs (no thanks to Alan lah!) and said she was 28! heh...
it was a good time spent chatting and getting to know each other (esp tt Vincent was a Franciscan Novice b4 he got married!). But all good things have to come to an end. But this blog and the memories remain.
My all time fav Hymn: Thank you Lord
Thank you Lord for the trials that come my way
In the way I can grow each day as I let you lead
Yes I thank you Lord, for the patience those trials bring
In the process of growing, I can learn to care
Refrain:
But it goes against the way I am
To put my human nature down
And let the spirit take control of all I do
Cause when those trials come my human nature
Shouts the things to do
And God's soft prompting can be easily ignored
But I thank you Lord, with each trial I feel inside
That you're there to lead and guide me away from wrong
'Cause you promised Lord that with every testing
That your way of escaping's easier to bear
Refrain
Final Ending:
Yes I thank you Lord for the vict'ry that growing brings
In surrender of everything, Life is so worthwhile
And I thank you Lord, that when everything's put in place
Out in front I can see your face
And it's there you belong
The hymn that reminds me of my 55th exco7:
Power of Your Love
Lord I come to You, let my heart be changed, renewed
Flowing from the grace that I found in You.
And Lord I've come to know the weaknesses I see in me
Will be stripped away by the power of Your Love.
Chorus:
Hold me close, let Your Love surround me.
Bring me near, draw me to Your side.
And as I wait I'll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You,
Your spirit leads me on, in the power of Your Love.
Lord unveil my eyes, let me see You face to face,
The knowledge of Your Love as You live in me
Lord renew my mind as Your will unfolds in my life
In living every day by the power of Your Love.
Chorus
You guys must check this out: the shocking pink cab that the wedding couple traveled in. But I already had 2 comments about the Hello Kitty.
Anyway, we proceeded to Goodwood Park Hotel for lunch. It was a really simple affair but I enjoyed the company of Alan, Bridget, Debbie, Jacq & Vincent. It was really funny. I decided to imitate what medieval gentlemen did - I stood up whenever the ladies wanted to leave the table. Thanks a mill to Alan who pangseh me. Anyway I got the idea from Kate & Leotard which I got glimpses of last week? haha then Debbie tried testing me but I was too busy eating. Man, no wonder they don't do such things anymore! You have to pay attention to the ladies' movements, then stop eating everytime the ladies leave! haha...but it was rather fun! Anyway what do you call a medevial gentleman? a SNOG! Sensitive Old Age Guy. Tt's what bridget said anyway. Debbie and her learnt what SNAG means today.
Anyway, another lesson learnt: always UNDER-estimate a girl's age if you want to get off on the right footing with her. Muhahaha...I over-estimated Jacq's age by 5 yrs (no thanks to Alan lah!) and said she was 28! heh...
it was a good time spent chatting and getting to know each other (esp tt Vincent was a Franciscan Novice b4 he got married!). But all good things have to come to an end. But this blog and the memories remain.
My all time fav Hymn: Thank you Lord
Thank you Lord for the trials that come my way
In the way I can grow each day as I let you lead
Yes I thank you Lord, for the patience those trials bring
In the process of growing, I can learn to care
Refrain:
But it goes against the way I am
To put my human nature down
And let the spirit take control of all I do
Cause when those trials come my human nature
Shouts the things to do
And God's soft prompting can be easily ignored
But I thank you Lord, with each trial I feel inside
That you're there to lead and guide me away from wrong
'Cause you promised Lord that with every testing
That your way of escaping's easier to bear
Refrain
Final Ending:
Yes I thank you Lord for the vict'ry that growing brings
In surrender of everything, Life is so worthwhile
And I thank you Lord, that when everything's put in place
Out in front I can see your face
And it's there you belong
The hymn that reminds me of my 55th exco7:
Power of Your Love
Lord I come to You, let my heart be changed, renewed
Flowing from the grace that I found in You.
And Lord I've come to know the weaknesses I see in me
Will be stripped away by the power of Your Love.
Chorus:
Hold me close, let Your Love surround me.
Bring me near, draw me to Your side.
And as I wait I'll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You,
Your spirit leads me on, in the power of Your Love.
Lord unveil my eyes, let me see You face to face,
The knowledge of Your Love as You live in me
Lord renew my mind as Your will unfolds in my life
In living every day by the power of Your Love.
Chorus
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