Prayer 2

Dear Lord, I thank you for not answering my prayer.

Today was the exco discernment and I don't rem praying as much as I have today. As Father said, when we pray for others, we pray for ourselves too. And that is what happened to me today, after so much prayer I feel better. There are still doubts, issues to settle but I feel more hopeful. All I need is time I guess. Time.

I really love the 55th Exco...it'll be one of those memories which I will hold dear to me for the rest of my life.
To HMB, Kes, Julez, Pumbaa, HD and Ina...I love you all. Thanks for being you. I will always rem u guys...
and presenting the 56th Exco:

President - Keenan my 'partner'
Vice Pres - Jason Koh
Secretary - Elgin
Treasurer - Barry
Religious Sec - Aloy
Publicity Officer - Paul
SPO!!!! - Dyan!!!

haha...congrats to the new 56th Exco7...may God bless you all...I'm sure you guys will do a great job.

tiring man...heh...gonna rest soon...zzZZ

Prayer

Dear Lord,
as I was walking from Bizad to SRC just now I prayed to you begging you for just one thing. I know it is rude to ask the giver to take back a gift but this gift means nothing to me now. In fact, this gift is causing me pain. Lord, all I wanted was for you to take my life. There would be no difference between carrying on and ending now.
Lord, today you gave me a gift. A gift of a friend who had also, like myself, decided to attend mass at the last minute and someone to accompany me and talk to me. I thank you for that. However, I still do not retract my previous prayer. It's still how I feel and if it is your will, let it be done. This I ask in your most Holy name. Amen.

Banging against the Wall

There have been so many things tt happened including exco AGM last fri but after sharing with my CG today...I dont feel like blogging abt it again...overall it was good and I felt God helping n guiding me as I did my sharing and throughout the whole AGM process...


a gd fren of mine used this analogy before and I guess I could in a way use it to describe my present state...I have NO one else to blame but myself for choosing to continually bang myself against this wall...I dont know why...it hurts I guess but I just feel too much for this wall to want to stop? for me now I will just continue to bang against this wall...to be fair to this wall...it's def not its fault...I chose to do this...but deep inside I guess I wish it would crumble so that I could get to the other side. I guess the timing is all wrong. Or is it me. I dont know. For now I will continue to do it...how long i will last i dont know but i guess i shd at least try...or rather be there for this wall cos I think it is worth it...I hope the pain stops though.

Ache

The past week went by pretty fast...helped by the fact that my lessons only started on thurs. Missed two on Mon since it was National Day. Just rem fear creeping in when I saw all the sw smarties dd the mods with me. It's not gonna be easy. Fri was gd...didnt want to go for post-mass stuff but in the end it was gd...went TCC with abeng n arts ppl. :) also said a closing prayer kinda thing after mass...dont know why but I just felt like saying something...it was a feeling I couldnt really supress but then MarkG pointed out tt I was shouting out the prayer which I did not realise I was doing. And in the end it didnt turn out as gd as I wished it to be. Sigh. But nevertheless I was brave enough to say it out.
Anyway I did something on sat. I guess I feel better in a sense cos....but I just can't get rid of this aching I feel inside. I feel quite sad. :) Every passing moment seems to take ages when I am alone and I seem to have lost quite a bit of meaning in this life. I just float aimlessly ard. Call someone, hoping the person is free. Phone ppl but don't dare to disturb some. Sms some gd frens hoping for them to carry on the messages. Every passing moment takes ages. I do some SP comm stuff but then sun is still up. I will mark my tuition kid's work soon but he didnt do much. I want to study like I set out to do on Proj DO It...shd be starting this week but then again can I? at least i got a study kaki already :) she has been a gd fren these few days. CG starts tomolo...I m looking forward to it...but for now there's something I have to deal with...alone.

Goodbye Goatee, Hello School!

As part of my prep to return to sch on thurs, I've finally shaved off my goatee. Kinda miss it cos I'm been so used to having those strands of hair on my chin. Sigh. Till we meet again.
Anyway, I finally got my 5th mod. Thank goodness. Oh and I've decided that once sch starts, I'm gonna (try) to put everything behind me and work hard. The arts corner will NOT be my hangout place as far as possible but every quiet corner in the lib will be. I'll be looking for hardworking ppl to study with from week1...don't know if any of you would be interested? Pls contact me ya? I usually don't do well in sem1 and I'm hoping to break the duck this semester. I'll name this task, Project Do It, inspired by the wonderful movie I caught with Kay n Way - Starsky and Hutch. Do it...do it...
Anyway, went to catch a movie with Alex earlier. She wanted to watch a chinese martial arts flick and so she decided to treat me to it (think this is def the first time a girl is treating me to a movie). I assumed "House of Flying Daggers" would be relatively good considering the cast of Andy Lau (come on I expected more...I like this guy!!), Jing Chen Wu (I don't know his jap name but I listened and bought his chinese cassette when I was in pri6!!) and Zhang Ziyi (tt loose woman) but it turned out to be more of a love story than a martial arts flick. haha but it was funny cos there were some scenes that were so comical, like when Andy and Jin were fighting then the weather change from like autumn to the cold harsh winter (what's up man) and when Zhang Ziyi refused to die after a total of three times when we thot she was dead...I mean come on she had a bloody knife stabbed through her chest lor. haha...but really lah...for comic relief it was good...haha n free too. heh. Was good meeting up with Alex though...she will be gg back to Canada next wed so it'll prob mean another early morning at Changi Airport...don't know why she always catches the 7am flight. Oh well...
The hols is finally ending...but I only had one week of it!! haha...don't worry I will make full use of the momentum I already have to propel me towards the exams!!! muahahaha...I'll be the last one to end again...finish this sem on the 2nd of Dec...I'm so dead. k gtg now...gonna do SP comm stuff...and whatever stuff...stuff stuff stuff...puff puff puff...huff huff huff...

*end of transmission* (author has collapsed)

Sadness...

I used to be able to sleep away my thoughts or feelings but this time around it's not working...
I end up dreaming about what I had been thinking about the previous day/night and end up waking up feeling emotionally drained, and worse, really sad. I don't see a solution to this except to pray and ride it out. In an article on Psychology of Mind and Health Realisation I read, they said that such things are like clouds that darken your sky...the only thing to do is to ride it out cos you cannot consciously change it. My heart feels very heavy...
Despite this...I must thank God for the numerous ppl in my life...at times when I just wanted to be alone after not being to get ppl out n all tt...He purposedly brought others into my life...
1. Exco7 esp Fr Fred: You guys have been so much to me this past year...think I m having problems facing up to ending our term and I really think that I will just end up crying like mad on the 10th of Sept when the new exco is commissioned. Fr Fred, thanks for the talk in the car, it has helped me somewhat...haha and of cos thanks for the ride back which helped me recover in time to play soccer.
2. Soccer mates: Thanks for the game...felt I was so un-fit and all but somehow still managed to score three measly goals, none of which were fantastic, but all of which had some gd play from the rest of the team. I thank God for the game and the friends who were there.
3. FOC thanksgiving dinner: I don't know whether those ard me realised but I was quite sianz and sad coming into this dinner...but as usu I didnt want to show it. However, this great bunch of ppl helped me to forget my state of mind and just participate in this feast and fellowship. I really thank God for these people...some of whom I've really gotten to know while working with them. I thank God for all of u.
4. Cat Class, catechists: I really thought my mood would affect my class but in the end it didn't. Though my sharing group was a little noisy, God gave me the patience and calmness to talk to them and try to get them to share. I thank God also for all the wonderful catechists who I've gotten to know this hols...hope that we continue our service to God in this area.
5. Keenan, new CGLs: I felt that the meeting went well and though some of us were not feeling at our best, I think that our presense rubbed off on one another. Looking forward to working with these guys. :)
6. Lex: Thanks for listening to my whinings...u r a great sponge and a great fren...glad u managed to catch the fireworks with the guys and that u enjoyed yourself 'trekking'. You better get some rest b4 sch starts too ya? its been great knowing u...seeya more when sch starts...
7. Dad, mum, sis: For having dinner with me or tog after not being to go out to watch the fireworks...it was simple but gd...n as usu my mum had to stuff me with food. :)
8. Alan: Thanks for hanging out with me at Punggol End...I really appreaciated the company. It's like when no one else is free...you were there. heh. not tt u were a last choice...i didnt mean it tt way...so its a gd thing tt u r usu free k? ;) thanks for being a friend. was quite funny thinking abt the hate sms i sent u b4 i got to know ya...sorry abt tt!! :
And of cos to all the other people in my life who have been ard...sent by God...keeping in touch thru sms, email, icq (yes stupid msn as well)...thanks for being you...n of cos the Big Guy up there...

still I wish I would feel better soon...

Verbum Dei and Opus Dei

Verbum Dei which means 'The Word of God' is a group of people, both religious and lay, who have consecrated their lives to God. They strive to show God's presence in our society through prayer, witness of life and the ministry of the Word. I had the privilege of meeting Sr Sandra today who is one of the sisters at this mission. She is very nice and she helped fel and myself with the two sessions that we are planning on Discernment and Christian Service. We had a very fruitful discussion and I felt that I had learnt some stuff. Esp with regards to discernment. In effect, discernment is like prayer and we need to have a well-developed prayer life in order to be able to discern properly what it is that God wants for us. Prayer is like a relationship, it should not be one way, we have to reciprocate it, we have to communicate to maintain this relationship. One of the best ways to listen to what God wants is thru his Word in the bible. Talking to a person who has a a personal relationship with God, who prays could also be another possibility. As a wise girl once said, if you feel at peace with your decision it probably is God's will. Peace along with joy and several others are fruits of prayer which are crucial in discernment.
Another thing that called out to me was this book: "The Autobiography of St. Therese of Lisieux: Story of a Soul" [John Beevers] I will probably try to get this book. It's the story of this young lady who offers up all the things, small and little, to God above and how she lived her very short life to the fullest by placing God at the center always. In a way, it is a call to all of us on how to live our lives and in whatever we do, be it studies or work, to place God at the center and offer them all up to Him.

Opus Dei means 'The Work of God' in Latin and is a group of people who strive to love and serve God without giving up their ordinary work, their family life and their normal social relations. It is not just the religious who can be Holy but all of us are called to live out our Christian vocations in our daily lives/work. Alvin invited me over to the house and since I was in the area, I decided to pop down. The Chapel is very nice and it is there that I knelt down and prayed before the Blessed Sacrament - the body of our Lord Jesus Christ. It felt good just busking in God's presense. :) I will return there again soon. Also thinking of taking up Doctrinal classes with Alvin and I'll probably be looking for some kakis to go along with me. So if any of you guys are interested, pls contact me.

I don't think it is by coincidence that I was introduced to these two missions in one day and I believe that my journey with them has just began.

The Story of a Man

It was on a moon-lit night during the Mid-autumn festivities organised in school that a young lad realised he was in love. He was consumed with this feeling beyond words and all he could think about was this young lady who he had gotten to know just a few months back though they had been classmates for almost a year now. He smiled to himself, laughed at the slighest provocation and nothing could get him down. Promos was coming and thus this young chap had to hold back and ensure that he would at least get promoted. After the promos which this lad scrapped through with an D for Econs and E for Maths C, he decided to really get to know this girl a little better. They never really went out on a date but they hung out in school, during community service projects and starting from the 17th of Nov, 1998, the courting began. On the 30th of Nov, 1998, this young lad and lass got together and the bubble was evetually burst on the 8th of July 1999, some 6 months and 8 days later. During this short period, this young man learnt several lessons, including that of experiencing that piercing breaking of the heart. This young man used to think of it as metaphorical until he felt it like a sword slowly but surely digging through the flesh till it reached the heart, bursting the arteries and releasing the tears that flow effortlessly from the eyes. It was only a year later, that this young man realised that he had gotten over this young lass. There wasn't resentment or sadness just lessons learnt that he wished he would remember and apply when a similar time came.
This young man, now an undergraduate, has come a long way some four years later. However, he still has the lessons learnt, though fading in his memory, but has yet to find out if he will commit the same mistakes and whether he can actually control things as basic as his emotions of jealousy, possessiveness and sensitivity. Over the years, he has had interest in several lasses, none of which he had actually chased or expected anything from. For a long period of time he bidded his time, for an even longer period he wanted to remain single, having with him another friend who felt the same. People think that this young man would probably attract some attention but alas, these poor souls have been either misguided, misinformed or both. This man knows what is holding him back and the word is fear. Fear is not always bad and can help save many from a potentially precarious situation. However, it is usually also fear that paralyses and causes inertia. This man believes that regret is one of the worst kind of feelings - "What if...". However, he also believes in deliberating the consequences of his actions. What the future holds no one knows but one thing is certain. As false love takes its beating on this man, with each jolting blow, this man will one day fall and not get up again.

Instinctive vs Acquired Love

I met up with a fren a few days back and we have very fruitful discussions about stuff ranging from politics to love and all. My fren believes that instinctive love is better than acquired love. A bit of clarification. Instinctive love is something like love at first sight and there are feelings on at least one side without any purposeful doing of the other. Acquired love is something that is acquired over time through prolonged interaction and possibly a bit of chasing. My fren illustrated with an example how instinctive love is more powerful than acquired one. He also said that he rather not have a girl like him becos he did nice stuff for her and treated her nicely. In the end, the girl gets together with this guy probably not becos she likes him but becos of the things that he does for her. I understand that the feelings (or love) probably developed from these actions taken by the guy but then it doesnt seem to take away the fact that it is the actions and not the person who sort of started this feelings. I was (I dont know what I think now) of the sch of thot where u have to be frens with this person n all n know this person b4 feelings develop...i dont think feelings based on a person's appearance alone will last but I really dont know anymore.
WHAT do U guys think? would like to hear some comments...

Don't confuse my Low SE for Humility

This weekend I learnt what humility is. I think Alan is a good example of what this word epitomises. I never thought of myself as being proud but I guess it was pride that blinded me from that fact. This weekend was spent mostly doing 'sai-gang' in church...be it scrubbing the floors of the colabarium or clearing the tables of used plates, cups, tissue and other what-nots. Having to put up a smile when some pompous people treat you like their maid or when being arrowed to do this and that. It really reminds me of the shit in the army that I used to get as it kinda revived that bastard in me that I thought I saw die when I ORDed on the 3rd of August 2002. I can't do such work without whining or grumbling and it really irritates me a lot. The thing however, is that at the end of the day I still get the work done. But unlike Alan, I can't keep my mouth shut. I can't believe that I went thru the whole of army without realising that it was probably pride that made me unable to accept doing these lesser things.
Anyway, on another topic, though similar, some people may ironically think that I am actually humble because of certain achievements that I may have but I always tend to downplay, especially prior to the fact. I wish to correct these misguided souls...it is in fact a misattribution. This is not due to humility but to the lack of self-confidence in a low self-esteemed person. I do hope that in view of this, the word humble is taken out of the list of possible adjectives that has been used to describe the author (if it was in the 1st place). Thank you.

Patch Adams

I wish I had the eloquence of some of the people I know but that is one gift I do not have. All I can say is that this is a great movie...full of compassion...so watch it if you have not.

Full day...

The morning was spent on the phone and I really enjoyed our conversation. I really hardly use the telephone but it feels good to be able to talk to someone for such a long time. :) As i would have it...since I slept at 3+am...waking up was a nightmare and I only managed to reach matri fair at abt 10+am which wasn't that bad. Realised that today was much harder cos most of the Soc ppl were china or indian nationals. The overall response for sci/soc was quite good though. I also found out how funny Aloy can be...heh. Had lunch with the sci ppl at Macs but I didn't feel like eating the food there so survived on my bread n a teh. I have decided that I will not eat unless I feel hungry and I'm trying to control my diet a bit...esp since it is my mum who keeps saying I m fat and that she prefers my size when I was in the army. Anyway I usu don't let others make me feel this way but I do want to lose weight too. And of cos I must think of my IPPT which I would never clear weighing what I do now.
Anyway...tt aside I went home then waited for the car b4 heading down to Aranda to join the arts ppl for the chalet...wasn't gonna stay overnight...kicked the ball ard with Greg and later with Benjy...was really hoping to have a game which I eventually had. It was a gd game...full of incidents...(haha...sorry karen)...but in the end karen, wayne n benjy triumped over myself, nat n alp. At least i got on the scoresheet with a lovely move where alp passed to nat who crossed for me to tap in. heh. :) Went home after sending Bern n Julian home, n grabbing a teh-si bing along the way.
I guess the MAIN thing that came out of the short time I was at the chalet is that I finally agreed to step forward to serve as a CGLC this coming year. I had been thinking about it for quite some time and initially I was pretty certain I didn't want to do it. However, I also told wayne tt I would keep that option open. I started thinking about it recently again and I was more confident that I would serve but today the uncertainty mounted after I accepted it. I like Keenan a lot and I know his good intentions but I feel that my joining him would actually be a liaibility to the CGLs. I don't know. It must be my low SE n lack of confidence in my own ability which most ppl seem to have but I lack. I don't know how things will turn out (it usu turns out fine) but I think I shd just be a good intrument and serve. Afterall, He has given me so much...cup runneth over...I should at least be grateful. :) And I know that there will be frens with me in this. May this coming academic year be as fruitful as the last.

The Past Week...

I have not been blogging for quite a few days already though I've been online most of the time...I guess I've been spending the bulk of the time in central lib alone working on my essay which I submitted yest...it's an average piece of work and nothing to be pleased or satisfied about. I doubt the work or time I put in would justify me getting a good grade since at the end of the day its not just about hard work but also the quality of the work, which I paper sadly lacks. Enough of tt though...time seemed to just fly by. I don't really rem doing much except that I had been in sch everyday (including sunday) since last wed. Been able to meet up with ppl n all so it was not all bad.
Yest's Matri Fair was gd. To me it was an acievement becos I could see how much I've grown in this area since last yr when Shane kindly asked me to help out at the booth. I am really grateful for tt chance and the chance I had this yr to do it again. I really hope that our presense there has helped to pull in some of our brothers and sisters in Christ so that they too may experience what I have in CSS. And to those that rejected us or who we were not able to reach, may You guide them in whatever they do so that no matter what they are doing in church or NUS, may they be examples of Your Love.
Today was simple. Lunch with Alan, Darryl n MarkG in engine. Then went to meet bao to find out the lecturers n all. Shd not have bothered to go for the welcome tea at all but I guess it was just good meeting up with frens. :) oh n of cos for those who read my blog last yr...'social psych' gal was there...(wayne u shd know who this is too...ooooOOhhHH!) she smsed me cos she didnt know anyone else who was going. Anyway, all in all I had a simple day but it was good. I just need a little more rest.
ciao~

Shacked out...

I feel totally dead...totally tired...
my essay is still less than half complete and I have got to settle it by friday...
the parts tt i've done seem like crap...sign~ how to do well like tt?
anyway the gd parts of the day...
1. lunch with HD
2. meeting ahbao after such a long time
3. having dinner with ray after an even longer time at Colbar
Colbar is this nice quiet place where mostly angmos hang out...(gals dont bother..they r the old drink/smoke kind)...will blog more abt it when I have more energy...
oh ya i forgot...a nice poem sms abt me! :D
zzzzZZZZ

....

If I were to die now...what would I regret? I dont know. Not being at my grandma's deathbed? Letting a girl I liked a lot go w/o trying cos I felt that it wouldn't work out? Over-turning a jeep that almost killed me and another?? I doubt I would. They don't matter to me anymore. I think.
If I die now. What's gonna change? People will mourn of cos. Some longer some shorter. Time heals all wounds. I guess my family would be most affected. Esp my mum, she wouldn't take it very well. As for my siblings, they're still young, the memories will fade. How about my friends? Of cos they will feel sad but in less than a month, I would be forgotten. What remains of me but a name engraved on an urn or niche....

Salohcin Leahpar Otten 21.12.81-19.07.04,
passed away aged 22, leaving behind....
"the only bible verse he knew by heart Matt11:28..."
Died before he could make any significant contribution to this world...
Insignificant Little Pea...
Drop of mediocrity in the vastness of emptiness...

Who would I see at my funeral...how would they react? Who would comfort them who would care? This scenario plays often in my mind but never has it been so clear. The longer I live the less people I see...and even these few the faster they heal cos the wounds my death brings gets smaller by the day...

I rem this bk I read after my A levels...Metamorphosis...I rem this guy who became a bug and who slowly but surely was in the house but no one bothered...heh...isolation...aloofness...degeneration. Go read the book, I bet some of you would feel the same.

Disclaimer: Pls for pete's (and whoever else who has common sense)...this is a mere reflection of the author's conjugated thoughts. There is no suicidal tendency or idealation. Suicidal Risk is NIL.

The Truman Show

There’s so much to say after watching this movie. I don’t know where I was when such great movies were in the cinema. I guess I was still into those mindless action flicks then. I really love this movie. Another sad movie, or rather, though-provoking movie to add to the recent repertoire that I’m building. I feel like crying yet again but should I? After all, to me this movie shows how love can help you discover yourself. Sometimes we just accept the reality that lies before us but it’s only when love comes that we truly begin to discover who we really are. Catch the movie if you haven’t and if you have, watch it again, and pay attention. Ciao~

Long Fulfilling Day...

I guess today though tiring was fulfilling! It started off rather late (which means I finally woke up late!!) and I tried to prepare some stuff and mark my tuition kid's stuff but couldn't! Oh no I shd be doing that instead of blogging! Anyway, I was supposed to meet HD n Lex to surprise lex on her 19th bday! I guess I was pretty excited about it becos it was my first time planning a surprise! Haha...the only other closest one was Nat's bday but she knew it already. This time, lex had no clue what so ever!! Was so glag everything went smoothly and my acting (for once) was good. We went to Marche Heeren and then I said I had to go to the toilet but the guys hid so well I didn't even see them! then lex n HD came over n all they saw was the cake b4 everyone came out singing Happy Bday!! haha boy was she surprised!! Success!! I guess it was all worth it in the end! Hope she had a good time :)
It was fun hanging out in Marche with everyone. Ian as usu was being nonsensically fun...got to know Greg who is fun too...n the rest...took quite a few pics which I will upload to webshots soon. Then we went to Lido Roof-garden to cut cake n eat!! then as usu kena bullied into eating the last piece of cake. Oh I rem I ate Ceasar Salad at Marche (its not bad...Olio one is better if u feel rich) and I think I will try to eat more greens from now on...BUT the 3 unmentionables r still excluded...ie Brinjal, Lady's Finger and Bittergourd! Yucks!
Anyway after roof-top went to Shaw House Macs to chit-chat n all b4 I met up with Yas to go for the Starlight Cine under the stars or whatever they call it...we went Taka to buy food first n got lots of stuff from the Crystal Jade bakery thingy...then we went to the Food Fair n got some wonderful hotdogs...they were great!! then we walked down to Fort Canning and had a gd chat along the way...we reached super early and set the mat out when it was abt 645?? the movie was scheduled to start at 8pm! anyway had a gd chat n suaned each other...Van Helsing had a lot of visual effects n all but I've long stopped liking action movies...its was fine but was laugable after some time...and the ending was like...when I heard the music I was telling yas...it sounds like they r gonna ride into the sunset...haha n no prizes for guessing what happened.
Noticed something interesting though...the Power98 advert said...No Class...Not perfect...JUST POWER!! haha felt it was quite funny. k seeya all soon...tired but hope those I were with today were happy. God bless us all...He is good and gives us more than we deserve!

Hold On - The Jet (Spiderman2 Soundtrack)

You tried so hard to be someone
That forgot who you are
You tried to fill some emptiness
Till all you had spilled over
Now everything’s so far away
That you don’t know where are
You are

(Chorus)When all that you wanted
When all that you had don’t seem so much
For you to hold onto
For you to hold onto
For you to belong to
When it’s hard to be yourself
It’s not to be someone else
Still everything’s so far away
That you forget where you are
You are

(Chorus)When all that you wanted
When all that you had don’t seem so much
For you to hold onto
For you to hold onto
Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on
Hold on Hold on Hold on Hold on

(Chorus)When all that you wanted 
When all that you had don’t seem so much
For you to hold onto
For you to hold onto
For you to hold onto
For you to belong to

Life is Beautiful…?

I just watched the movie and though I’ve heard of it before I never knew what it was about…I just kinda assumed that it was one of those feel good movies, hence the title.
Well, in a way it was feel good because the leading character is this super optimistic cheerful fellow who even when captured by the Nazis during the war, could help his son make believe that they were in s big game and used this ‘game’ to help his son survive being caught and gassed to death in the chambers. I think that is a good movie lah and I’m not just saying that cos I cried :) but really think those of you who haven’t caught it should. Damn it! Why didn’t anyone warn me beforehand? I didn’t want to cry! Arg!

Anyway, I found out something amusing this morning. Was chatting online with one of my social work friends and she was telling me that she dreamt of me and her colleagues at her placement agency together with herself…(listen to this carefully)…sewing pouches!! Haha…I don’t know why but I just found it super interesting! And she was telling me she didn’t how I ended up together with her colleagues cos we didn’t work at the same agency! Oh well…that’s all for now.

I leave you with the last line of the movie..."That was my dad's gift for me..."

Ciao~

Reflections...

I'm sitting in the arts corner at 'The Deck' by myself...enjoying the scenary (the construction is finally over!)...and I think back to the days when I was a freshie and sitting here with a gd fren. I miss that. I miss him.
I don't know whether some of you have noticed but I've become more quiet and reserved these few months. I don't think its specific to certain groups of people but to everyone. I don't like to hang out in big groups, preferring to meet up with small grps of people. I feel that you don't really get to know others in big groups and also I don't know, I just don't really like big groups. I'm still fine with it though and like recently when I didn't want to be a spoilt-spot when asked I just joined in and immersed myself with the games and all. In a way, I've become a big-grp recluse. Though I still very much welcome going out with smaller groups of people. Recently, I've bumped into ppl that I recognise on the streets and the instintive thing I do is to hide and hope they don't see me. To be fair, I'm not really close to these people, and I tell myself if it were a gd fren I would acknowledge them, but I really don't know. Sometimes I don't know what to say to others. My collegues at IMH have realised that I tend to keep to myself during lunch and not really talk much. Social deterioration? I don't know.
I'm hoping to go for this silent retreat that Joel has told me about. I think I need some time out to think and reflect about my life and where I'm heading and also how my life has been. Existenial Factors. I guess my attachment at IMH has helped me to be more certain about what area I might go into. All these while, I know I wanted to do social work but was clueless as to which area IN social work I wanted to do. I now seem more inclined towards mental health but you never know where the whirlwinds of fate bring you.
I need time to reflect whether I've really grown after coming into NUS. I believe I have but as a person and as a Christian I seem to have deteriorated in some aspects to. I don't know. I'm just glad that my friends are nice and accepting and they take me as I am, imperfections and all. I guess all of us are not perfect but some more than others. I'm lucky to have so many friends who place God in the center of their lives so that I rem Him everyday. :)
Yest I had a gd time at Andrea's place. We had a gathering (the last!) for all the CGLs that have graduated from this batch. It was good company and I must really thank all the CGLCs for all the effort they had put in, not just for this session but for the past year. Really felt quite guilty that I had taken so many of their gatherings for granted (esp when it was in sch). I had many struggles during my term as a CGL and there were periods when it got really bad but somehow with His strength our cg managed to pull thru. I can't really rem the details. You know how after some time you forget the reasons but rem the emotion and how it felt? It's something like that. That's why some of us rem wrongly how things went or can't rem why we felt tt way.
*end of reflection*
Anyway...some things tt i want to mention off my head...
My tuition kid said that he hopes he can pass his oral which I feel is quite gd. So I assume that he didn't have some nervous break-down and couldn't speak. Thanks for the prayers.
A little stoned now...will blog some other time. Love ya all ppl...God bless...