Linger....

Listening to the song, I can't help but think some verses are what I feel...though not true, it's true somewhat:

But I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

You know one of my previous blogs that mentioned how hard it was to get out of a low but how hard it was to maintain a high? Well, I feel myself making the downward spiral of the sine curve after it hit its peak (+1 I think)...but I'm gonna try to stop the slide. I don't want to go back anywhere near where I was in early yr3. So yest night when I prayed, I counted my blessing (literally) and counted 10 -

1. Sister Marianna forcing me to donate but me getting a plaque with a verse I like.
2. For the confirmation camp meeting that went rather well.
3. For the company of Alan, Ed & Chris during lunch.
4. For the food & fellowship that we shared.
5. For Chris' sharing with me on how he was going through the same thing with his class.
6. For Ade's blog post comment.
7. For the ppl on msn whom I had a chat with during the WHOLE day.
8. For my sis' egg-mayo.
9. For all those on msn who asked me how I was and/or promised to pray for me.
10. God giving me a rather peaceful ending to the day so my mind didn't need to think.
(not all these were the original 10 which reinforces my belief that we've so much to be thankful for)

I don't know if I can keep this up cos I realise that when you're down, the conceptual lens you view life takes a drastic filter that blocks out the good. Maybe I should keep up this counting of blessings every night and thank God for them in prayer.

Anyway, about the first point right, the plaque I got went something like this: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. I still rem the very first time it touched me. I was at Novena with some of my CG ppl in year 1. It was read out during the Gospel Acclaimation. It struck me becos so many times I try to rationalise or intellectualise everything that I read. I've realise over the years that you can't read with just your mind alone, you need to understand things with your heart as well. And most times, you have to Trust in the Lord our God. That's something I hope to rem. As I go through the next few days, I pray that I will let go of this latest struggle and I trust that God will help me through it through all the wonderful people ard me. God bless you.

SS - Sianz Saturday

The past week has been rather interesting. Not as good as the previous or the past few. On the work front, things have been slow but that's the least of my concerns. My mind has been on overdrive again and I think it's not good. My heart is restless which again spells disaster. Worst to cap off, today's Catechism class sucked to the core. Didn't enjoy, in fact hated it and I even thought of quiting. Last night seemed like the anomaly. Had dinner then supper with four others and it was good talking about religion, post-modernism, issues, masks, etc. Really enjoyed my company. I think it's during such sessions that i'm truely myself.

About cat class, I feel tired man. This class is really NOT worth putting in so much effort. Or am I trying too hard? Last year, when I put in effort, the reaction I got spurred me to double it up with more creativity. This year, it seems as if my energy is being leeched on, sucked dry. Man, I can't believe I actually feel this way. Think Kel was super irritated also. Only Carol seemed to be unaffected. Oh well, life goes on. I've decided not to quit (tt's not the way to go) but I will make use of the coming 3 week 'break' from class to reflect and reconsider my role in this ministry.

As much as I hate to admit it, I have a feeling that my reaction in class today might have had been influenced by my emotional state of mind before class. It's never good when you bring baggage in, but then it can't be helped. I prayed, more than I have in weeks, but to no avail. I'll have to carry this for now. I pray for support.

Be Still and know that I am God

That's what I need from God now. Not now. Pls God, not now! It's the final lap and I really need to channel all resources to this race. You know you just can't explain this kinda things. And so fast somemore. I don't know la.

I was thinking about how easy it is to stay in a low but how difficult it is to sustain a high. I hope I don't drop from this high. I haven't been this happy in consecutive fashion for as long as I rem.

Lord, I pray for all those who are hurt in some way, who feel pain. I beseech you to heal these people if it is Your will and to always let them feel your Love. Amen.

Novena -James Swearingen

I watched Brokeback Mountain yest and had a good conversation with Reggie over dinner about it. Wanted to blog about it initially but then I didn't felt like it in the end. Plus the fact that I bumped into lulu balls on the train home. He's my band junior who's really so bubbly that he filled up our time on the train with anedoctes about his life and all. What he did (which he didn't realise) is to make me reminisence about my sec sch Band days. So much so, that I went to find those songs that I really enjoyed playing back then. Of cos, being one of those guys who loved to show off on the drums (despite not being tt good), my top 3 drumset songs would be: Abba Gold, Beatles Forever and Big Fun in the Sun. Esp love the last one cos it's just SO full of drums! However, I realised that a lot of the songs I liked weren't drumset pieces as well, and my pick of the lot is Novena by James Swearingen. I know this sounds damn silly to most of u but it's my first solo, and it was just the Chimes that I played. Super simple. I guess in a way that song showed my progession in the band as well, from Chimes to mallets to Timpani which is what I kinda ended up with (esp SYF competition '97). There's another song I liked - Where the River Flows - which I rem my conductor, Lin Ah Leck, read out the whole story behind the song and I was just so taken in that when I played the song, I actually felt it. The percussion parts are also very dynamic. I wonder whether I will ever hear tt song again. I also wonder about our instructor whom we gave a really hard time but he's a great instructor. When he took over, we were a bronze band, the next competition we got a silver (of cos I cried!) and then my bro's batch managed to get a gold. I think ah lin really worked his balls off to get us bunch of ill-disciplined slackers to work on our skills n all. Also found out that two of my band juniors have kinda turned pro. Not that it's unexpected cos they had the talent since then. One of them I rem more clearly cos his dad actually called me up to scold me cos "my son has talent! he should be playing the drums! Why are you wasting his time?" Oh well, I guess the answer to that is "I'm the senior and I want to play the FREAKING drums!" Thanks to lulu balls for reminding me about it. heh.

So here ending off with my fav song for the moment...Novena...

(there's no lyrics you dumbo!)

Sports News

Liverpool 1 - 0 Manchester United

I've been waiting for revenge since the league match in which Manyoo undeservedly won 1-0 thanks to a last minute goal by Rio. Unlike Fergie who wasn't gracious in defeat, I insist that pool def deserved to win. Some would argue that Manyoo was having an off day; I don't deny that. But I also feel that the pool midfield closed in on the players and in fact caused them to be ineffective. A well deserved victory nonetheless.

On a sorry note however, Alan Smith (whom I still hate actually) left the field in the last few mintues with a horrendous injury - a broken leg and a dislocated ankle. Even I could not bare to see the pain etched across his face. I really wish him a speedy recovery and that he will come back and play his fiery game once more. Best wishes.

I watched the NBA all-star weekend and was kinda disappointed with the Slamdunk competition. I think that the organizers made a mistake by allowing the competitors to keep trying their dunk without penalty. I think it really took out the excitement in it and when Nate, the crowd fav petite 5' 9'' star won, I felt a great injustice. I guess the decision was biased, or rather relative. I mean, I don't think the other guy who worse, it's just that taking into account Nate's height, what he did was an acheivement. In this case, isn't it becos of his heigh that he won. I mean no disrespect, he's an excellent player and all but then just becos of his perceived disadvantage, he was relatively better than the other, although their skill level is the same. I guess that's how the world works - we're all amazed, estonished with extraordinary acts that defy the limitations that are set on the human. Arg...oh well...think I'm thinking too much....arg! I'm meta-thinking again! k la, enough for now...

Life so far...

It's been ages since I blog...and I guess that either 1. I'm been too busy or 2. even when i'm free, there's no mood to blog. Oh well, here's the feeling back again (for now).

The past two days have been good. Had a presentation yesterday and it went ok. Had a bit of fun in the process as well. CY and myself had to dress as shooters in a school massacre, so we wore sunglasses and a ski mask or army jockey cap...in the end the class laughed more than felt fear but thanks to a few onz ones like Eph & Mingfel, the whole class went on the floor, including our lecturer (feeling a little guilty about that). But we really wanted to re-create the atmosphere...and in the end the whole presenation went fine. CY, Ahbao, JT and myself went to celebrate at Kenny Rogers in the end. Man, they managed to psycho me to get two "Kenny's quarters" instead of the "Kenny's half" so we ended up with a total of half a chicken each and a total of 14 side dishes! Oh man, boy couldn't we finish! We even ended up eating Ben & Jerrys after that. Managed to get a present for my sis so that was good...thank goodness for ahbao's sharpeye... :) Today wasn't too bad either, managed to catch Match Point. I think it was quite good, though not something I would call fantastic but at least it had a storyline and I like the bit about how "there are moments in a match when the ball hits the top of the net and for a split second it can either go forward or fall back. With a little luck, it goes forward and you win…or maybe it doesn’t, and you lose”...but then "sometimes when you lose, you win". I guess I was reading a lot deeper, also not intended by Woody Allen, that in life, sometimes you feel that you've been dealt with a shitty situation and have lost, but then it ends up a blessing as something better happens, another opportunity strikes. I guess my interpretation is partly due to the better mood that I am in these few days.

The past week in particular has been good and though there is work to do and all, I seem more relaxed. Even my whole project group seemed rather calm for our presentation and I wasn't the only one who noticed it. I've been pretty happy talking to some ppl on msn as well. Some of whom I seldom, almost never have conversations with, others I see ard but got to know a little better :) My life has been rather packed with concamp stuff starting, cat class going full swing, then the presentation tt just passed, the thesis that I have to finish up by end-Feb, and two major essays which I have yet to get started. Oh well, one step at a time, just keep walking! I hope to really go full swing with thesis stuff and hopefully *cross fingers* will be able to squeeze in Brokeback Mountain and maybe Constant Gardener. Do tell me if you're interesting in catching them. :) For now, have a good week! For me, my term break has started! For the others, hang in there, you'll get it too! :D God bless...

2005

I haven't been in the mood to blog for quite some time now but I guess I should do a reflection of 2005. When I think back to 2005, it just seems like a blur. I mean, I can't really pinpoint any particular thing that was striking and that stood out. I don't know man.

I guess the most memorable week has to be that week in June where I started it off with lunch with Ed at Jack's Place, Bras Basah. I needed to buy material for confirmation camp, so we headed there. We had a wonderful meal, courtesy of Ed of cos, and then set out for NUS, Eusoff Hall. I was just supposed to be helping out with background stuff cos I was in Pub Comm, but then they needed a facil last min and so I agreed to take on this task. Not that I minded of cos, cos it was more fun & stuff and you get to know freshies. I don't think I did a fantastic job as a facil but it was alright. The hard part was actually juggling the roles of a facil & preparing for my sessions for concamp. Really need to thank Ed, Alan & Wayne for helping me to cut out those cardboard boxes for my sessions. It was really stressful on Fri, having had a late night trying to write warm fuzzies and buy stuff, and trying to rush to FMM on time. As always, God sends us ppl to help us and when we couldnt get a cab, Keenan was there to give us a lift. I don't think he knew how much it meant to me - I was just so stressed already and I was going to do the first 2 sessions on Fri! Things went well, perfect in fact (ok, some exaggeration here). The 2 sessions were rather well received and I would like to think, touched some of them in one way or another. Especially the second one. It reminds me of how things don't turn out according to plan (cos I couldnt get darts) but proved to be better than planned :) I think the camp went very well, and it's through this camp that I bonded with a lot of the youth, and a lot of the youth actually felt God. He was real to them. Everything culminated in the H.E.L.P. session when I just broke down and I knew, I just knew it was all worth it. The efforts, the stress, the time spent planning, cutting, whatever, it was all worth it. I guess this would be the most memorable week, not to mention tiring week of 2005.

In terms of academia, I would say that it was perfect la. Of cos I felt the stress, had the doubts, but it still worked out well. Praise our God, who gives us more than we deserve! Now everything hinges on my thesis and my performance in my last sem. Give me the strength Lord! Give me perseverance!

Athough my lousy memory doesnt permit me to rem other events, I can say that 2005 has been special to me becos of the people in my life. I went through quite a bad patch in the early part of the year but as always it's the people around me that pull me through it. I hope I don't have to go through such a patch again. But I guess I will. These people kept me going and I really love all of you guys ya. Some of whom, we're not really in touch becos you guys have graduated, either from sch or from cat class. Most of you I still see in sch. My only hope is that we'll remain in touch for I know it gets real tough when we grad. My only hope is that the frenship will remain. If not, I'll just cherish the memories. And, thank you for them.

Past Few Days

I liked the past few days. Truth be told, Xmas isn't very christmassy for me. It doesn't hold the special significance it did a few years back. I would love to blame it on commericalism but is it the only reason? I don't know. Anyway, the real birthday of our Saviour is somewhere in Jan/Feb, NOT december But I don't think that matters lah. Was quite shocked when I first found out while doing some research for my Heavenly Maths project on the Star of Bethlehem. Apparently the date for Christmas today is actually some pagan festival for a 'sun god'. How ironic.

Anyway, Xmas was simple enough. The day of fun for me was on the 23rd of Dec. Finally had our class outing and though they were only 7 of us, I had great fun. You know, there's always something about East Coast that I love and I really hope their new masterplan don't screw things up. Less is more.
Anyway, we met early on Fri and had breakfast with Darry first. Got some stuff from Cold Storage and met the rest. Thanks to Darry, I now know a much faster and cheaper way to get to ECP on weekdays. heh!
The greatest acheivement for the day was teaching Cher how to cycle although most of the credit has to go to Charles lah cos his 'push & let her fall' method was much more effective than mine 'hold on to the bike & not let her fall' technique. heh. You see, I told you guys I can't let go one :p
Anyway, the entertaining part was Bern & Cher and their lack of control la. My fav was Bern who bladed down a slope and had to grab a sign to stop but...the sign dropped. muhahaha. Anyway, both of them were fine. Only thing was we had to cycle/blade in the rain, which was in fact fun! heh...really enjoyed myself. I should go ECP more often man.

Anyway, I came back with lots of presents & stuff and was really surprised to get a Dockers wallet too man. I hope that didn't cost you a bomb ya gal :D oh and I got this new latest Hesheys choc which is shaped like potato chips...damn cool & really tasty man! Think it will only come to Spore some time later...

I hope we'll keep in touch. It's the year after graduation that really tests whether the frenship will last.

My Xmas Break

Finally, I'm going to take a break! After spending most of the hols busy with thesis interviews, I'm going to take a break till Xmas, at least!

The past few days have been good. Went to Villa Bali yest with Kes, Mark, Ian, Val, Charkwa, & Angie. Really like the place a lot. Very cosy, the drinks ain't that ex (unless you order a lot like we did :) I think I will go back there again some time. Problem is, I don't know whether I will have the time to do so. Have some people to meet up with some ppl b4 sch starts again. Next sem will determine what I graduate with from NUS. God has been very generous in terms of my grades and this sem was no exception. I really thank You for it. So that also means that sem I'll have to fight it out, ESP for my thesis. THAT is gonna be damn important.

Glad that I've been able to juggle social life & work for past few days. Hope to carry on doing that, even this coming sem because, man, it's gonna be the last! Very tempted to enjoy the rest of the hols then slog through the sem...dunno man...oh well see how it goes lah.

Thanks to all those who made my birthday special. Your smses & company are really presents in themselves. Thank you!

Cast Away - a lesson on commitment?

I watched Cast Away again jus now one tv. I just love Tom Hanks lah...think he's one of the best actors around...plus he doesnt come packaged with the arrogance that such esteemed actors usually possess. Anyway, the thing that struck me was the ending lah when Tom Hanks and Helen Hunt declared their love for each other, kissed, got into the car, only for both to realise that there is something more importance than their love - commitment.
I think that is something much lacking in our society today. I mean so much is being said about how the self should be valued above everything else. I shall not go so far as to blame those freaking feminists and post-modernist for stirring this shit but ya...I think it promotes individualism. I see this as the reason why people think of themselves, their freaking emotions above everything else. I guess this is why there're so many divorces these days. I mean if everyone makes decisions based on their individual needs, feelings, etc. then what can we expect?
I don't know. I always see myself as someone who is committed to a cause. And once I commit myself to a cause, be it a project, a girl, or whatever else, I make sure I see it to the end. Basically, my focus in this blog is the girl lah. the project shit is just to distract. I have always seen myself as a guy who once together with a girl, will NEVER betray her trust. But the problem with such assumptions is that you will never really know until you've been in that situation and come out tops. I mean I can always say that when I see a kid about to get banged by a car, I will run and push him/her out of danger just in time but knows? Maybe when the crunch time comes, I'll be rooted to the spot, peeing in my pants, and live the rest of my life hanging my head down low and full of regret and shame. My point being - you'll never really know won't you? Oh well, till that time comes, I'll just assume that I'll be the committed guy who won't betray the girl. Anyway, I got other things to worry about like my character.

It's quite weird lah. I have been wanting to do something since exam time but I procrastinated and then guess what? When I thought about it again...it happened without me doing anything! It kinda got me excited but then I think when such things happen, my stupid mind tends to make a molehill out of nothing (I intentionally used this adapted version of the idiom fyi) and I kinda started thinking lah. SIgh. I sure hate thinking but I sure can't help it! Anyway, hope to take it slow and see how it goes lah.

I have completed two interviews. I almost teared in the 2nd one. I'm learning but I feel drained too cos of the processing of the interview. Sigh. Another one tomorrow, then it's almost consecutive on tues, wed, thurs, then Sat again. Oh well, the faster the better, I guess.

I lack a social life. You know how you make plans during exam time but then screw everything up thereafter? Kinda sad cos I think I will be missing the retreat cos of the interviews. Might not be going for Mambo either. Then, oh well...thinking of giving Xmas Bash a miss though I'll feel bad lah. Will see how it goes lah. At least I'm spending time with my family.

I miss the songs on my old laptop but unless I get the special adaptor to plug into the Hard Disk, I doubt I will be seeing them for quite some time...oh well...
I miss Collide by Howie Day (I will forever associate it with Jon)
and Everything by Lifehouse...

find me here
speak to me
i want to feel you
i need to hear you
you are the light
that is leading me
to the place where
i find peace again
you are the strength
that keeps me walking
you are the hope
that keeps me trusting
you are the life to my soul
you are my purpose
you are everything
and how can i
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this
you calm the storms
you give me rest
you hold me in your hands
you won't let me fall
you still my heart
and you take my breath away
would you take me in
would you take me deeper now
'cause you're all i want
you are all i need
you are everything
everything

I'm just thinking of you now.

Research begins...busy in church...

I start my first thesis research interview tomorrow and I'm feeling kinda apprehensive. It's something I've been waiting to do since yr1/2 cos a thesis is something I always wanted to do since coming into NUS. Oh well...hope it goes well though.

Been busy with church stuff these 2 weeks...not really everyday but still it's kinda on my mind...another meeting tomorrow...hope it goes well...

Was in the car just now and one of my fav songs played...it reminds me of my yr1 sem1 days sitting in 'Hell' with xiaobai n having a fag. I think it was so much more laid back then...I think after yr1 I stopped hanging out so much...k maybe stopped only in yr3...can't rem...anyway...here's one of my fav songs...just so love his low voice...

Wherever You Will Go - The Calling

So lately, I've been wonderin
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own

[Chorus:]
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
Well I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you

[Chorus]

Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart and your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time

[Chorus]

If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go

3rd last exam of Uni life; this sem is over...

It didn't really occur to me that I had two more exams left in my uni life till quite late...anyway finished my exams today and went to Dragon Gate at Harbourfront to eat Dim Sum buffet...it was ok lah considered the fact that we paid 15 bucks only...had quite a good time...then went Paulaner with CY n Ling; Francis came later. Drank 1litre of Munich Dark...beer expert CY could even taste that it was freshly brewed but it didnt fail to make my day lah - good company, good beer.

Anyway, my whole honours cohort took a group pic after our last paper today. Didn't really strike me but it'll be the last time all 29 of us are together. Next sem, there're no compulsory mods so we won't see everyone, plus one and possibly another will be graduating. I think I will miss this semester, though I didn't really get to know everyone? It's a little too late for that; some ppl in class will still have that mysterious veil covering them, in my eyes.


Social Work Honours Class 05/06

Took this other pic when we were at Dragon Boat...heh...according to surely...it looks like I have my own fan club already :p


Cheerio!

Mambo Mood?

This is really weird but on the way back from church I heard "Love changes (everything)" on the radio and then I just felt like in the Mambo mood again. It's been a long time since I had the craving and even longer since I actually went. Listening to my fav song "Summer Rain" now just adds to it. I have to go after exams. K for now...in the midst of the exams (or rather the beginning)...here's Love Changes (everything) by Climie Fisher...

I was only seventeen when she looked at me that way
Seems like yesterday
I was only foolin' 'round but she stole my heart away
I've never been the same

I felt the strangest feeling like a raging fire it burned
She left I cried for weeks and
I can't forget her or the lesson that I learned

Love changes, changes everything
Love makes you fly it can break your wings
Love changes, changes everything
Love makes the rules from fools to kings
Love changes, love changes everything

Then the years went rollin' by
I grew up and moved away
Had to earn my pay
Found another lover then
But my heart is sad to say
It only ended up the same way

And I wondered was I destined to spend my life alone
Oh girl you answered my question
This time it's working you've given me new hope

Love changes, changes everything
Love makes you fly it can break your wings
Love changes, changes everything
Love makes the rules from fools to kings
Love changes, love changes everything

I've seen the way love shakes ya makes ya break ya
It's got a power of it's own

Love changes, changes everything
Love makes you fly it can break your wings
Love changes, changes everything
Love makes the rules from fools to kings
Love changes, love changes everything

17 years of studying...

I decided to take a break from studying. Since 3pm...no mood lah...I think that after 17 years of studying, I've hit the saturation point...thank goodness for the 2 years 'break' in the army.

2 yrs - PAP Kindergarden
6 yrs - St Gabs Pri
4 yrs - St Gabs Sec
2 yrs - NYJC (1st 3 months); NJC (remaining time)
3 yrs - NUS (thus far)

I was trying to think back to my fav schooling time but I can't decide bet. sec sch & jc. Maybe in terms of being the most carefree it has to be NYJC since it was the 1st 3 months, I didn't do any readings and all you do is have fun! Of cos there were the few times I got into trouble with authority lah...don't know why but though I stayed a 5 mins walk from NY, I was almost always late...and everytime I walked on the grass across from one block to another, I was caught, thus I served my fair share of detentions (for those who don't know, NY had this stupid policy of not being allowed to walk on the grass though there were like benches in the middle!). Anyway, I liked that time cos it was carefree lah. No pressure.

Kindergarden & Pri sch was kinda insignificant in my opinion cos I don't remember much. I seriously don't see how some of my frens made then could even rem who I am or what I look like. I mean, to be honest, I don't rem a single one of them (esp so for kindergarden)...for Pri sch i rem only those who had been from Pri. 1C-5C with me; those from Pri. 6B I remember only those who went on to St Gabs Sec with me. I do of cos have memories of pri sch lah, like of writing super duper no. of lines though I was a Prefect and playing soccer with Milo caps (from waterbottles)...I don't know whether guys from other schs did the same?

Anyway, in Sec sch...I seriously don't remember studying very hard or often...it was only during the exam time that I really went full swing...I still rem copying A Maths hw almost everyday at the prefect room in the morning. I think that was the only subject tt required constant work. I think I enjoyed my days in sec sch cos of the band. We had practices like every Tues, Thurs, Fri & Sat and then we'll hang out after that - either soccer or Kopitiam. I rem getting upset over grades but I don't think it got to me much. Of cos all the perks of being an all-guy sch holds :)

In NJ things were rather different cos it's a more mugger atmosphere, esp when compared to NY. I was blessed however to get a class comprising mostly 2nd intakers and most of the class are those I can click n hang out with. I think all my gd JC frens have seen me cry at one time or another and I've seen most of them (gals only) cry too. So many memories man. The only sucky part was of cos the very reason I was in NJ - academia. Oh well, I guess the important thing is that I made it to NUS though barely.

And of cos NUS...will save this reflection to the time when I grad...which happens to me coming soon...k shall end off with a quote I saw in my readings...found it hilarious:

"Men, I want you to fight vigorously and then run. And as I am a little bit lame, I'm going to start running now."

Gen. George Stedman,

U. S. Army (Civil War)

The Last Day of the Sem

And so the first sem of my year 4 life ends...

it started off fucked up. The stupid photocopying room was full of freaking useless technological gadgets...first the freaking feeder kept jamming...I mean if it can't freaking work why put it in use in the first place?? Then I thought I lost my cashcard (why can't stupid NUS allow me to keep my matricard which had the cashcard?) and searched for it like a fool only to realise it was in the damn cashcard machine...then the stupid stapler thingy couldn't freaking work properly...my anger just started accumulating till I felt I was gonna explode. Sorry to ahbao n carol who had to see it.

Anyway, it got better lah. Had a nice surprise when Dr Ng gave me a nice little notebook for doing well in her pre-post test, test. heh. She's a really great lecturer and I hope that I will be able to study under her again one day :) The day ended off rather well with some of my classmates having tea with Prof Ngiam. He's a really great guy and it kinda soothed my nerves before exam mugging starts again.

This sem is different. I realised how focused and dogmatic I had been in my readings the whole of year 3 that I didnt have much catching up to do just before exams. Things seem to be different now. Damn scared for policy. Sigh. Oh well...will see how it goes. Looking forward to the 28th. Then I can start work on my thesis proper.

And so it ends...

As with all the things in my life that I treasure and the times that I enjoy, the ending is always anti-climatic. It didn't end off with the bang that I expected or with the photo-taking session that I was hoping would immortalise the moment. Nope, none of it. But nonetheless I got to take a few pics and I will get to see them all next Sat (I hope everyone comes). Someone said she already miss me, and I guess I already miss all of them too. I don't know how I will fill this emptiness. You know how it is when your heart gets filled with love and then it's kinda taken away? Like a death of a loved one? I don't know if it's the cynicism in me but it has happened before and it will happen again. Can you remember a good friend whom you were so close to that you felt time would do nothing to ravage the friendship, yet now this friends seems more a distant memory than a reality? Ya, tt's about it. Oh well, I'm trying to change and focus on the good things that has happened...these wonderful gems that have come into my life. The ups as well as the downs. They kinda made my life worth it this year, especially during the darkest time for me this year when it seemed meaningless to even carry on. I love them.

It's been a long time...

since I had a full day at home. I've never really resented going to school until this semester. So the breaking point comes after 7 sems. As I toiled away at my laptop, I failed to realised the beauty that lay outside my window. I don't know why (had I forgotten that scene) but the view just looked beautiful today. The luscious green together with the clear blue skies plus that illusive mountain in the background (in Malaysia); I was just awe struck and the scene made me feel serene and happy though I had a paper under construction right in front of me.
I guess with all things there's something to be thankful for, such as for the friends who keep you sane (or maybe insane in the case of some; e.g. Keenan) and who keep you alive. There's a presentation that could have turned out much worse and many other things like having Tock give me a lift home, but alas my feeble mind can't remember everything. What overwhelms my mind now is this coming Sunday, a day when a journey ends.

One Tree Hill / Cool day

I watched One Tree Hill again today. I like that show. In particular I like Lucas; think he's not only cool and good-looking, he has a sensitive human side to him. Good actor. A piece of dialogue struck me (not physically):

Lucas: I had no intention of hurting you.
Girl who he supposedly got pregnant: It doesn't matter; it hurts all the same.

I guess sometimes we tell ourselves our intentions are good then the outcome doesn't matter or rather we're not as liable for the hurt or pain that we've caused others. But is this true?

It's been a cool day. The first time (i don't think there was a last time) when I didn't on the fan at all even at the peak of the afternoon. Oh well, such days only come once in awhile so I made full of it...zzZ

Sunday morning blogging with an essay to write

Most of the morning has passed and I have yet to begin writing a single word for my essay due tomorrow. The fact is I'm too emotionally charged to write anything. Definitely not an essay about the theory of a family therapy and its application into a case example.
It's amazing how people can be 9 years apart and still go through the exact emotions; the same reaction to a similar situation. I guess it's really true that you have to had gone through it in order for you to help someone and to be able to feel it in that person's shoes. How else can we help the person if we can't fathom his/her subjective reality, but instead attempt to apply our textbook teachings into the situation cos "research has shown that...".
I was thinking about something said during CG...that God gives us all we need/want but not directly through the means we think will get will us those needs/wants (e.g. want a gd job doesnt mean we'll do well for all our studies but God still will give us that good job). So He determines the end but the process is up to us?
Last night I prayed, earnestly, for the 1st time in a long time, for God to take away all the pain that exists in this world. I can't take it anymore. Why must pain exist? Why must I see my friends go through pain? Why must people I know hurt themselves in order to feel better about themselves? Why can't teens get along with their parents? Why do people have to experience the illness and death of their loved ones? Why? WHY??
I guess the problem is that I don't know where or rather how to draw the line so that my friends' problems are not mine. But I can't. I feel all they do and it's really getting to me. How the fuck am I gonna be a social worker if this carries on? I will burnout in no time. But I want to help everyone. I don't want anyone to "fall through the cracks" and be forgotten or unhelped. But somehow time doesnt seem to permit me to. I'm really not enjoying my honours year at all. K this may be an exaggeration but the fact remains that it's stopping me from doing the things that I want to do - helping people - cos I seem to be too busy with 'more important things'.



"In the service of love, only broken hearts will do"

Time to get sappy again

It's amazing how much emotions I allow myself although I'm swarmed with work. It's as if God has blessed me with this gift of being able to feel a million emotions at once. The problem being my inability to comprehend, let alone the ability to control or regulate them.
As I was settling some admin stuff for my Cat Class this year, I just couldn't help but feel melancholic. I'm coming to the end of a journey. A journey that I really enjoyed. A bunch of people that I've come to love. And get upset over when I feel I haven't done enough. It actually pains me to have to say goodbye. Things will never be the same. People always say we can keep in touch. But it never really is the same. I really can't curb this pessimistic side of me that all too often builds up speed only for it to brake suddenly and the ensuing momentum propelling me through a windscreen till I hit the ground, hard, feeling the pain scorching through every orifice of my body.
Why do I feel so sad I ask myself. Rather, how can I swing so quickly from one emotion to another like a manic-depressive person? Whatever. I just want this moment to last forever but I know I can't. It's about letting go again. I remember this feeling last yr but somehow it wasn't this strong. I wasn't as close. Not like this bunch.
Something tt saddens me though is one of my teens who won't be 'graduating'. His brother seems to be affected as well. I don't know. Maybe I didn't do enough. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe.

I just know that once end of year comes, I will have lost a bunch of kids I truely love.