I haven't been in the mood to blog for quite some time now but I guess I should do a reflection of 2005. When I think back to 2005, it just seems like a blur. I mean, I can't really pinpoint any particular thing that was striking and that stood out. I don't know man.
I guess the most memorable week has to be that week in June where I started it off with lunch with Ed at Jack's Place, Bras Basah. I needed to buy material for confirmation camp, so we headed there. We had a wonderful meal, courtesy of Ed of cos, and then set out for NUS, Eusoff Hall. I was just supposed to be helping out with background stuff cos I was in Pub Comm, but then they needed a facil last min and so I agreed to take on this task. Not that I minded of cos, cos it was more fun & stuff and you get to know freshies. I don't think I did a fantastic job as a facil but it was alright. The hard part was actually juggling the roles of a facil & preparing for my sessions for concamp. Really need to thank Ed, Alan & Wayne for helping me to cut out those cardboard boxes for my sessions. It was really stressful on Fri, having had a late night trying to write warm fuzzies and buy stuff, and trying to rush to FMM on time. As always, God sends us ppl to help us and when we couldnt get a cab, Keenan was there to give us a lift. I don't think he knew how much it meant to me - I was just so stressed already and I was going to do the first 2 sessions on Fri! Things went well, perfect in fact (ok, some exaggeration here). The 2 sessions were rather well received and I would like to think, touched some of them in one way or another. Especially the second one. It reminds me of how things don't turn out according to plan (cos I couldnt get darts) but proved to be better than planned :) I think the camp went very well, and it's through this camp that I bonded with a lot of the youth, and a lot of the youth actually felt God. He was real to them. Everything culminated in the H.E.L.P. session when I just broke down and I knew, I just knew it was all worth it. The efforts, the stress, the time spent planning, cutting, whatever, it was all worth it. I guess this would be the most memorable week, not to mention tiring week of 2005.
In terms of academia, I would say that it was perfect la. Of cos I felt the stress, had the doubts, but it still worked out well. Praise our God, who gives us more than we deserve! Now everything hinges on my thesis and my performance in my last sem. Give me the strength Lord! Give me perseverance!
Athough my lousy memory doesnt permit me to rem other events, I can say that 2005 has been special to me becos of the people in my life. I went through quite a bad patch in the early part of the year but as always it's the people around me that pull me through it. I hope I don't have to go through such a patch again. But I guess I will. These people kept me going and I really love all of you guys ya. Some of whom, we're not really in touch becos you guys have graduated, either from sch or from cat class. Most of you I still see in sch. My only hope is that we'll remain in touch for I know it gets real tough when we grad. My only hope is that the frenship will remain. If not, I'll just cherish the memories. And, thank you for them.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Monday, December 26, 2005
Past Few Days
I liked the past few days. Truth be told, Xmas isn't very christmassy for me. It doesn't hold the special significance it did a few years back. I would love to blame it on commericalism but is it the only reason? I don't know. Anyway, the real birthday of our Saviour is somewhere in Jan/Feb, NOT december But I don't think that matters lah. Was quite shocked when I first found out while doing some research for my Heavenly Maths project on the Star of Bethlehem. Apparently the date for Christmas today is actually some pagan festival for a 'sun god'. How ironic.
Anyway, Xmas was simple enough. The day of fun for me was on the 23rd of Dec. Finally had our class outing and though they were only 7 of us, I had great fun. You know, there's always something about East Coast that I love and I really hope their new masterplan don't screw things up. Less is more.
Anyway, we met early on Fri and had breakfast with Darry first. Got some stuff from Cold Storage and met the rest. Thanks to Darry, I now know a much faster and cheaper way to get to ECP on weekdays. heh!
The greatest acheivement for the day was teaching Cher how to cycle although most of the credit has to go to Charles lah cos his 'push & let her fall' method was much more effective than mine 'hold on to the bike & not let her fall' technique. heh. You see, I told you guys I can't let go one :p
Anyway, the entertaining part was Bern & Cher and their lack of control la. My fav was Bern who bladed down a slope and had to grab a sign to stop but...the sign dropped. muhahaha. Anyway, both of them were fine. Only thing was we had to cycle/blade in the rain, which was in fact fun! heh...really enjoyed myself. I should go ECP more often man.
Anyway, I came back with lots of presents & stuff and was really surprised to get a Dockers wallet too man. I hope that didn't cost you a bomb ya gal :D oh and I got this new latest Hesheys choc which is shaped like potato chips...damn cool & really tasty man! Think it will only come to Spore some time later...
I hope we'll keep in touch. It's the year after graduation that really tests whether the frenship will last.
Anyway, Xmas was simple enough. The day of fun for me was on the 23rd of Dec. Finally had our class outing and though they were only 7 of us, I had great fun. You know, there's always something about East Coast that I love and I really hope their new masterplan don't screw things up. Less is more.
Anyway, we met early on Fri and had breakfast with Darry first. Got some stuff from Cold Storage and met the rest. Thanks to Darry, I now know a much faster and cheaper way to get to ECP on weekdays. heh!
The greatest acheivement for the day was teaching Cher how to cycle although most of the credit has to go to Charles lah cos his 'push & let her fall' method was much more effective than mine 'hold on to the bike & not let her fall' technique. heh. You see, I told you guys I can't let go one :p
Anyway, the entertaining part was Bern & Cher and their lack of control la. My fav was Bern who bladed down a slope and had to grab a sign to stop but...the sign dropped. muhahaha. Anyway, both of them were fine. Only thing was we had to cycle/blade in the rain, which was in fact fun! heh...really enjoyed myself. I should go ECP more often man.
Anyway, I came back with lots of presents & stuff and was really surprised to get a Dockers wallet too man. I hope that didn't cost you a bomb ya gal :D oh and I got this new latest Hesheys choc which is shaped like potato chips...damn cool & really tasty man! Think it will only come to Spore some time later...
I hope we'll keep in touch. It's the year after graduation that really tests whether the frenship will last.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
My Xmas Break
Finally, I'm going to take a break! After spending most of the hols busy with thesis interviews, I'm going to take a break till Xmas, at least!
The past few days have been good. Went to Villa Bali yest with Kes, Mark, Ian, Val, Charkwa, & Angie. Really like the place a lot. Very cosy, the drinks ain't that ex (unless you order a lot like we did :) I think I will go back there again some time. Problem is, I don't know whether I will have the time to do so. Have some people to meet up with some ppl b4 sch starts again. Next sem will determine what I graduate with from NUS. God has been very generous in terms of my grades and this sem was no exception. I really thank You for it. So that also means that sem I'll have to fight it out, ESP for my thesis. THAT is gonna be damn important.
Glad that I've been able to juggle social life & work for past few days. Hope to carry on doing that, even this coming sem because, man, it's gonna be the last! Very tempted to enjoy the rest of the hols then slog through the sem...dunno man...oh well see how it goes lah.
Thanks to all those who made my birthday special. Your smses & company are really presents in themselves. Thank you!
The past few days have been good. Went to Villa Bali yest with Kes, Mark, Ian, Val, Charkwa, & Angie. Really like the place a lot. Very cosy, the drinks ain't that ex (unless you order a lot like we did :) I think I will go back there again some time. Problem is, I don't know whether I will have the time to do so. Have some people to meet up with some ppl b4 sch starts again. Next sem will determine what I graduate with from NUS. God has been very generous in terms of my grades and this sem was no exception. I really thank You for it. So that also means that sem I'll have to fight it out, ESP for my thesis. THAT is gonna be damn important.
Glad that I've been able to juggle social life & work for past few days. Hope to carry on doing that, even this coming sem because, man, it's gonna be the last! Very tempted to enjoy the rest of the hols then slog through the sem...dunno man...oh well see how it goes lah.
Thanks to all those who made my birthday special. Your smses & company are really presents in themselves. Thank you!
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Cast Away - a lesson on commitment?
I watched Cast Away again jus now one tv. I just love Tom Hanks lah...think he's one of the best actors around...plus he doesnt come packaged with the arrogance that such esteemed actors usually possess. Anyway, the thing that struck me was the ending lah when Tom Hanks and Helen Hunt declared their love for each other, kissed, got into the car, only for both to realise that there is something more importance than their love - commitment.
I think that is something much lacking in our society today. I mean so much is being said about how the self should be valued above everything else. I shall not go so far as to blame those freaking feminists and post-modernist for stirring this shit but ya...I think it promotes individualism. I see this as the reason why people think of themselves, their freaking emotions above everything else. I guess this is why there're so many divorces these days. I mean if everyone makes decisions based on their individual needs, feelings, etc. then what can we expect?
I don't know. I always see myself as someone who is committed to a cause. And once I commit myself to a cause, be it a project, a girl, or whatever else, I make sure I see it to the end. Basically, my focus in this blog is the girl lah. the project shit is just to distract. I have always seen myself as a guy who once together with a girl, will NEVER betray her trust. But the problem with such assumptions is that you will never really know until you've been in that situation and come out tops. I mean I can always say that when I see a kid about to get banged by a car, I will run and push him/her out of danger just in time but knows? Maybe when the crunch time comes, I'll be rooted to the spot, peeing in my pants, and live the rest of my life hanging my head down low and full of regret and shame. My point being - you'll never really know won't you? Oh well, till that time comes, I'll just assume that I'll be the committed guy who won't betray the girl. Anyway, I got other things to worry about like my character.
It's quite weird lah. I have been wanting to do something since exam time but I procrastinated and then guess what? When I thought about it again...it happened without me doing anything! It kinda got me excited but then I think when such things happen, my stupid mind tends to make a molehill out of nothing (I intentionally used this adapted version of the idiom fyi) and I kinda started thinking lah. SIgh. I sure hate thinking but I sure can't help it! Anyway, hope to take it slow and see how it goes lah.
I have completed two interviews. I almost teared in the 2nd one. I'm learning but I feel drained too cos of the processing of the interview. Sigh. Another one tomorrow, then it's almost consecutive on tues, wed, thurs, then Sat again. Oh well, the faster the better, I guess.
I lack a social life. You know how you make plans during exam time but then screw everything up thereafter? Kinda sad cos I think I will be missing the retreat cos of the interviews. Might not be going for Mambo either. Then, oh well...thinking of giving Xmas Bash a miss though I'll feel bad lah. Will see how it goes lah. At least I'm spending time with my family.
I miss the songs on my old laptop but unless I get the special adaptor to plug into the Hard Disk, I doubt I will be seeing them for quite some time...oh well...
I miss Collide by Howie Day (I will forever associate it with Jon)
and Everything by Lifehouse...
I'm just thinking of you now.
I think that is something much lacking in our society today. I mean so much is being said about how the self should be valued above everything else. I shall not go so far as to blame those freaking feminists and post-modernist for stirring this shit but ya...I think it promotes individualism. I see this as the reason why people think of themselves, their freaking emotions above everything else. I guess this is why there're so many divorces these days. I mean if everyone makes decisions based on their individual needs, feelings, etc. then what can we expect?
I don't know. I always see myself as someone who is committed to a cause. And once I commit myself to a cause, be it a project, a girl, or whatever else, I make sure I see it to the end. Basically, my focus in this blog is the girl lah. the project shit is just to distract. I have always seen myself as a guy who once together with a girl, will NEVER betray her trust. But the problem with such assumptions is that you will never really know until you've been in that situation and come out tops. I mean I can always say that when I see a kid about to get banged by a car, I will run and push him/her out of danger just in time but knows? Maybe when the crunch time comes, I'll be rooted to the spot, peeing in my pants, and live the rest of my life hanging my head down low and full of regret and shame. My point being - you'll never really know won't you? Oh well, till that time comes, I'll just assume that I'll be the committed guy who won't betray the girl. Anyway, I got other things to worry about like my character.
It's quite weird lah. I have been wanting to do something since exam time but I procrastinated and then guess what? When I thought about it again...it happened without me doing anything! It kinda got me excited but then I think when such things happen, my stupid mind tends to make a molehill out of nothing (I intentionally used this adapted version of the idiom fyi) and I kinda started thinking lah. SIgh. I sure hate thinking but I sure can't help it! Anyway, hope to take it slow and see how it goes lah.
I have completed two interviews. I almost teared in the 2nd one. I'm learning but I feel drained too cos of the processing of the interview. Sigh. Another one tomorrow, then it's almost consecutive on tues, wed, thurs, then Sat again. Oh well, the faster the better, I guess.
I lack a social life. You know how you make plans during exam time but then screw everything up thereafter? Kinda sad cos I think I will be missing the retreat cos of the interviews. Might not be going for Mambo either. Then, oh well...thinking of giving Xmas Bash a miss though I'll feel bad lah. Will see how it goes lah. At least I'm spending time with my family.
I miss the songs on my old laptop but unless I get the special adaptor to plug into the Hard Disk, I doubt I will be seeing them for quite some time...oh well...
I miss Collide by Howie Day (I will forever associate it with Jon)
and Everything by Lifehouse...
find me here
speak to me
i want to feel you
i need to hear you
you are the light
that is leading me
to the place where
i find peace again
you are the strength
that keeps me walking
you are the hope
that keeps me trusting
you are the life to my soul
you are my purpose
you are everything
and how can i
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this
you calm the storms
you give me rest
you hold me in your hands
you won't let me fall
you still my heart
and you take my breath away
would you take me in
would you take me deeper now
'cause you're all i want
you are all i need
you are everything
everything I'm just thinking of you now.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Research begins...busy in church...
I start my first thesis research interview tomorrow and I'm feeling kinda apprehensive. It's something I've been waiting to do since yr1/2 cos a thesis is something I always wanted to do since coming into NUS. Oh well...hope it goes well though.
Been busy with church stuff these 2 weeks...not really everyday but still it's kinda on my mind...another meeting tomorrow...hope it goes well...
Was in the car just now and one of my fav songs played...it reminds me of my yr1 sem1 days sitting in 'Hell' with xiaobai n having a fag. I think it was so much more laid back then...I think after yr1 I stopped hanging out so much...k maybe stopped only in yr3...can't rem...anyway...here's one of my fav songs...just so love his low voice...
Been busy with church stuff these 2 weeks...not really everyday but still it's kinda on my mind...another meeting tomorrow...hope it goes well...
Was in the car just now and one of my fav songs played...it reminds me of my yr1 sem1 days sitting in 'Hell' with xiaobai n having a fag. I think it was so much more laid back then...I think after yr1 I stopped hanging out so much...k maybe stopped only in yr3...can't rem...anyway...here's one of my fav songs...just so love his low voice...
Wherever You Will Go - The Calling
So lately, I've been wonderin
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own
[Chorus:]
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
And maybe, I'll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
Well I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you
[Chorus]
Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love
I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart and your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time
[Chorus]
If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own
[Chorus:]
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go
And maybe, I'll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave should fall
It would fall upon us all
Well I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you
[Chorus]
Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love
I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart and your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time
[Chorus]
If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go
Monday, November 28, 2005
3rd last exam of Uni life; this sem is over...
It didn't really occur to me that I had two more exams left in my uni life till quite late...anyway finished my exams today and went to Dragon Gate at Harbourfront to eat Dim Sum buffet...it was ok lah considered the fact that we paid 15 bucks only...had quite a good time...then went Paulaner with CY n Ling; Francis came later. Drank 1litre of Munich Dark...beer expert CY could even taste that it was freshly brewed but it didnt fail to make my day lah - good company, good beer.
Anyway, my whole honours cohort took a group pic after our last paper today. Didn't really strike me but it'll be the last time all 29 of us are together. Next sem, there're no compulsory mods so we won't see everyone, plus one and possibly another will be graduating. I think I will miss this semester, though I didn't really get to know everyone? It's a little too late for that; some ppl in class will still have that mysterious veil covering them, in my eyes.
Social Work Honours Class 05/06
Took this other pic when we were at Dragon Boat...heh...according to surely...it looks like I have my own fan club already :p
Cheerio!
Anyway, my whole honours cohort took a group pic after our last paper today. Didn't really strike me but it'll be the last time all 29 of us are together. Next sem, there're no compulsory mods so we won't see everyone, plus one and possibly another will be graduating. I think I will miss this semester, though I didn't really get to know everyone? It's a little too late for that; some ppl in class will still have that mysterious veil covering them, in my eyes.
Social Work Honours Class 05/06
Took this other pic when we were at Dragon Boat...heh...according to surely...it looks like I have my own fan club already :p
Cheerio!
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Mambo Mood?
This is really weird but on the way back from church I heard "Love changes (everything)" on the radio and then I just felt like in the Mambo mood again. It's been a long time since I had the craving and even longer since I actually went. Listening to my fav song "Summer Rain" now just adds to it. I have to go after exams. K for now...in the midst of the exams (or rather the beginning)...here's Love Changes (everything) by Climie Fisher...
I was only seventeen when she looked at me that way
Seems like yesterday
I was only foolin' 'round but she stole my heart away
I've never been the same
I felt the strangest feeling like a raging fire it burned
She left I cried for weeks and
I can't forget her or the lesson that I learned
Love changes, changes everything
Love makes you fly it can break your wings
Love changes, changes everything
Love makes the rules from fools to kings
Love changes, love changes everything
Then the years went rollin' by
I grew up and moved away
Had to earn my pay
Found another lover then
But my heart is sad to say
It only ended up the same way
And I wondered was I destined to spend my life alone
Oh girl you answered my question
This time it's working you've given me new hope
Love changes, changes everything
Love makes you fly it can break your wings
Love changes, changes everything
Love makes the rules from fools to kings
Love changes, love changes everything
I've seen the way love shakes ya makes ya break ya
It's got a power of it's own
Love changes, changes everything
Love makes you fly it can break your wings
Love changes, changes everything
Love makes the rules from fools to kings
Love changes, love changes everything
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
17 years of studying...
I decided to take a break from studying. Since 3pm...no mood lah...I think that after 17 years of studying, I've hit the saturation point...thank goodness for the 2 years 'break' in the army.
2 yrs - PAP Kindergarden
6 yrs - St Gabs Pri
4 yrs - St Gabs Sec
2 yrs - NYJC (1st 3 months); NJC (remaining time)
3 yrs - NUS (thus far)
I was trying to think back to my fav schooling time but I can't decide bet. sec sch & jc. Maybe in terms of being the most carefree it has to be NYJC since it was the 1st 3 months, I didn't do any readings and all you do is have fun! Of cos there were the few times I got into trouble with authority lah...don't know why but though I stayed a 5 mins walk from NY, I was almost always late...and everytime I walked on the grass across from one block to another, I was caught, thus I served my fair share of detentions (for those who don't know, NY had this stupid policy of not being allowed to walk on the grass though there were like benches in the middle!). Anyway, I liked that time cos it was carefree lah. No pressure.
Kindergarden & Pri sch was kinda insignificant in my opinion cos I don't remember much. I seriously don't see how some of my frens made then could even rem who I am or what I look like. I mean, to be honest, I don't rem a single one of them (esp so for kindergarden)...for Pri sch i rem only those who had been from Pri. 1C-5C with me; those from Pri. 6B I remember only those who went on to St Gabs Sec with me. I do of cos have memories of pri sch lah, like of writing super duper no. of lines though I was a Prefect and playing soccer with Milo caps (from waterbottles)...I don't know whether guys from other schs did the same?
Anyway, in Sec sch...I seriously don't remember studying very hard or often...it was only during the exam time that I really went full swing...I still rem copying A Maths hw almost everyday at the prefect room in the morning. I think that was the only subject tt required constant work. I think I enjoyed my days in sec sch cos of the band. We had practices like every Tues, Thurs, Fri & Sat and then we'll hang out after that - either soccer or Kopitiam. I rem getting upset over grades but I don't think it got to me much. Of cos all the perks of being an all-guy sch holds :)
In NJ things were rather different cos it's a more mugger atmosphere, esp when compared to NY. I was blessed however to get a class comprising mostly 2nd intakers and most of the class are those I can click n hang out with. I think all my gd JC frens have seen me cry at one time or another and I've seen most of them (gals only) cry too. So many memories man. The only sucky part was of cos the very reason I was in NJ - academia. Oh well, I guess the important thing is that I made it to NUS though barely.
And of cos NUS...will save this reflection to the time when I grad...which happens to me coming soon...k shall end off with a quote I saw in my readings...found it hilarious:
2 yrs - PAP Kindergarden
6 yrs - St Gabs Pri
4 yrs - St Gabs Sec
2 yrs - NYJC (1st 3 months); NJC (remaining time)
3 yrs - NUS (thus far)
I was trying to think back to my fav schooling time but I can't decide bet. sec sch & jc. Maybe in terms of being the most carefree it has to be NYJC since it was the 1st 3 months, I didn't do any readings and all you do is have fun! Of cos there were the few times I got into trouble with authority lah...don't know why but though I stayed a 5 mins walk from NY, I was almost always late...and everytime I walked on the grass across from one block to another, I was caught, thus I served my fair share of detentions (for those who don't know, NY had this stupid policy of not being allowed to walk on the grass though there were like benches in the middle!). Anyway, I liked that time cos it was carefree lah. No pressure.
Kindergarden & Pri sch was kinda insignificant in my opinion cos I don't remember much. I seriously don't see how some of my frens made then could even rem who I am or what I look like. I mean, to be honest, I don't rem a single one of them (esp so for kindergarden)...for Pri sch i rem only those who had been from Pri. 1C-5C with me; those from Pri. 6B I remember only those who went on to St Gabs Sec with me. I do of cos have memories of pri sch lah, like of writing super duper no. of lines though I was a Prefect and playing soccer with Milo caps (from waterbottles)...I don't know whether guys from other schs did the same?
Anyway, in Sec sch...I seriously don't remember studying very hard or often...it was only during the exam time that I really went full swing...I still rem copying A Maths hw almost everyday at the prefect room in the morning. I think that was the only subject tt required constant work. I think I enjoyed my days in sec sch cos of the band. We had practices like every Tues, Thurs, Fri & Sat and then we'll hang out after that - either soccer or Kopitiam. I rem getting upset over grades but I don't think it got to me much. Of cos all the perks of being an all-guy sch holds :)
In NJ things were rather different cos it's a more mugger atmosphere, esp when compared to NY. I was blessed however to get a class comprising mostly 2nd intakers and most of the class are those I can click n hang out with. I think all my gd JC frens have seen me cry at one time or another and I've seen most of them (gals only) cry too. So many memories man. The only sucky part was of cos the very reason I was in NJ - academia. Oh well, I guess the important thing is that I made it to NUS though barely.
And of cos NUS...will save this reflection to the time when I grad...which happens to me coming soon...k shall end off with a quote I saw in my readings...found it hilarious:
"Men, I want you to fight vigorously and then run. And as I am a little bit lame, I'm going to start running now."
Gen. George Stedman,
U. S. Army (Civil War)
Friday, November 11, 2005
The Last Day of the Sem
And so the first sem of my year 4 life ends...
it started off fucked up. The stupid photocopying room was full of freaking useless technological gadgets...first the freaking feeder kept jamming...I mean if it can't freaking work why put it in use in the first place?? Then I thought I lost my cashcard (why can't stupid NUS allow me to keep my matricard which had the cashcard?) and searched for it like a fool only to realise it was in the damn cashcard machine...then the stupid stapler thingy couldn't freaking work properly...my anger just started accumulating till I felt I was gonna explode. Sorry to ahbao n carol who had to see it.
Anyway, it got better lah. Had a nice surprise when Dr Ng gave me a nice little notebook for doing well in her pre-post test, test. heh. She's a really great lecturer and I hope that I will be able to study under her again one day :) The day ended off rather well with some of my classmates having tea with Prof Ngiam. He's a really great guy and it kinda soothed my nerves before exam mugging starts again.
This sem is different. I realised how focused and dogmatic I had been in my readings the whole of year 3 that I didnt have much catching up to do just before exams. Things seem to be different now. Damn scared for policy. Sigh. Oh well...will see how it goes. Looking forward to the 28th. Then I can start work on my thesis proper.
it started off fucked up. The stupid photocopying room was full of freaking useless technological gadgets...first the freaking feeder kept jamming...I mean if it can't freaking work why put it in use in the first place?? Then I thought I lost my cashcard (why can't stupid NUS allow me to keep my matricard which had the cashcard?) and searched for it like a fool only to realise it was in the damn cashcard machine...then the stupid stapler thingy couldn't freaking work properly...my anger just started accumulating till I felt I was gonna explode. Sorry to ahbao n carol who had to see it.
Anyway, it got better lah. Had a nice surprise when Dr Ng gave me a nice little notebook for doing well in her pre-post test, test. heh. She's a really great lecturer and I hope that I will be able to study under her again one day :) The day ended off rather well with some of my classmates having tea with Prof Ngiam. He's a really great guy and it kinda soothed my nerves before exam mugging starts again.
This sem is different. I realised how focused and dogmatic I had been in my readings the whole of year 3 that I didnt have much catching up to do just before exams. Things seem to be different now. Damn scared for policy. Sigh. Oh well...will see how it goes. Looking forward to the 28th. Then I can start work on my thesis proper.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
And so it ends...
As with all the things in my life that I treasure and the times that I enjoy, the ending is always anti-climatic. It didn't end off with the bang that I expected or with the photo-taking session that I was hoping would immortalise the moment. Nope, none of it. But nonetheless I got to take a few pics and I will get to see them all next Sat (I hope everyone comes). Someone said she already miss me, and I guess I already miss all of them too. I don't know how I will fill this emptiness. You know how it is when your heart gets filled with love and then it's kinda taken away? Like a death of a loved one? I don't know if it's the cynicism in me but it has happened before and it will happen again. Can you remember a good friend whom you were so close to that you felt time would do nothing to ravage the friendship, yet now this friends seems more a distant memory than a reality? Ya, tt's about it. Oh well, I'm trying to change and focus on the good things that has happened...these wonderful gems that have come into my life. The ups as well as the downs. They kinda made my life worth it this year, especially during the darkest time for me this year when it seemed meaningless to even carry on. I love them.
Friday, November 04, 2005
It's been a long time...
since I had a full day at home. I've never really resented going to school until this semester. So the breaking point comes after 7 sems. As I toiled away at my laptop, I failed to realised the beauty that lay outside my window. I don't know why (had I forgotten that scene) but the view just looked beautiful today. The luscious green together with the clear blue skies plus that illusive mountain in the background (in Malaysia); I was just awe struck and the scene made me feel serene and happy though I had a paper under construction right in front of me.
I guess with all things there's something to be thankful for, such as for the friends who keep you sane (or maybe insane in the case of some; e.g. Keenan) and who keep you alive. There's a presentation that could have turned out much worse and many other things like having Tock give me a lift home, but alas my feeble mind can't remember everything. What overwhelms my mind now is this coming Sunday, a day when a journey ends.
I guess with all things there's something to be thankful for, such as for the friends who keep you sane (or maybe insane in the case of some; e.g. Keenan) and who keep you alive. There's a presentation that could have turned out much worse and many other things like having Tock give me a lift home, but alas my feeble mind can't remember everything. What overwhelms my mind now is this coming Sunday, a day when a journey ends.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
One Tree Hill / Cool day
I watched One Tree Hill again today. I like that show. In particular I like Lucas; think he's not only cool and good-looking, he has a sensitive human side to him. Good actor. A piece of dialogue struck me (not physically):
Lucas: I had no intention of hurting you.
Girl who he supposedly got pregnant: It doesn't matter; it hurts all the same.
I guess sometimes we tell ourselves our intentions are good then the outcome doesn't matter or rather we're not as liable for the hurt or pain that we've caused others. But is this true?
It's been a cool day. The first time (i don't think there was a last time) when I didn't on the fan at all even at the peak of the afternoon. Oh well, such days only come once in awhile so I made full of it...zzZ
Lucas: I had no intention of hurting you.
Girl who he supposedly got pregnant: It doesn't matter; it hurts all the same.
I guess sometimes we tell ourselves our intentions are good then the outcome doesn't matter or rather we're not as liable for the hurt or pain that we've caused others. But is this true?
It's been a cool day. The first time (i don't think there was a last time) when I didn't on the fan at all even at the peak of the afternoon. Oh well, such days only come once in awhile so I made full of it...zzZ
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Sunday morning blogging with an essay to write
Most of the morning has passed and I have yet to begin writing a single word for my essay due tomorrow. The fact is I'm too emotionally charged to write anything. Definitely not an essay about the theory of a family therapy and its application into a case example.
It's amazing how people can be 9 years apart and still go through the exact emotions; the same reaction to a similar situation. I guess it's really true that you have to had gone through it in order for you to help someone and to be able to feel it in that person's shoes. How else can we help the person if we can't fathom his/her subjective reality, but instead attempt to apply our textbook teachings into the situation cos "research has shown that...".
I was thinking about something said during CG...that God gives us all we need/want but not directly through the means we think will get will us those needs/wants (e.g. want a gd job doesnt mean we'll do well for all our studies but God still will give us that good job). So He determines the end but the process is up to us?
Last night I prayed, earnestly, for the 1st time in a long time, for God to take away all the pain that exists in this world. I can't take it anymore. Why must pain exist? Why must I see my friends go through pain? Why must people I know hurt themselves in order to feel better about themselves? Why can't teens get along with their parents? Why do people have to experience the illness and death of their loved ones? Why? WHY??
I guess the problem is that I don't know where or rather how to draw the line so that my friends' problems are not mine. But I can't. I feel all they do and it's really getting to me. How the fuck am I gonna be a social worker if this carries on? I will burnout in no time. But I want to help everyone. I don't want anyone to "fall through the cracks" and be forgotten or unhelped. But somehow time doesnt seem to permit me to. I'm really not enjoying my honours year at all. K this may be an exaggeration but the fact remains that it's stopping me from doing the things that I want to do - helping people - cos I seem to be too busy with 'more important things'.
"In the service of love, only broken hearts will do"
It's amazing how people can be 9 years apart and still go through the exact emotions; the same reaction to a similar situation. I guess it's really true that you have to had gone through it in order for you to help someone and to be able to feel it in that person's shoes. How else can we help the person if we can't fathom his/her subjective reality, but instead attempt to apply our textbook teachings into the situation cos "research has shown that...".
I was thinking about something said during CG...that God gives us all we need/want but not directly through the means we think will get will us those needs/wants (e.g. want a gd job doesnt mean we'll do well for all our studies but God still will give us that good job). So He determines the end but the process is up to us?
Last night I prayed, earnestly, for the 1st time in a long time, for God to take away all the pain that exists in this world. I can't take it anymore. Why must pain exist? Why must I see my friends go through pain? Why must people I know hurt themselves in order to feel better about themselves? Why can't teens get along with their parents? Why do people have to experience the illness and death of their loved ones? Why? WHY??
I guess the problem is that I don't know where or rather how to draw the line so that my friends' problems are not mine. But I can't. I feel all they do and it's really getting to me. How the fuck am I gonna be a social worker if this carries on? I will burnout in no time. But I want to help everyone. I don't want anyone to "fall through the cracks" and be forgotten or unhelped. But somehow time doesnt seem to permit me to. I'm really not enjoying my honours year at all. K this may be an exaggeration but the fact remains that it's stopping me from doing the things that I want to do - helping people - cos I seem to be too busy with 'more important things'.
"In the service of love, only broken hearts will do"
Friday, October 14, 2005
Time to get sappy again
It's amazing how much emotions I allow myself although I'm swarmed with work. It's as if God has blessed me with this gift of being able to feel a million emotions at once. The problem being my inability to comprehend, let alone the ability to control or regulate them.
As I was settling some admin stuff for my Cat Class this year, I just couldn't help but feel melancholic. I'm coming to the end of a journey. A journey that I really enjoyed. A bunch of people that I've come to love. And get upset over when I feel I haven't done enough. It actually pains me to have to say goodbye. Things will never be the same. People always say we can keep in touch. But it never really is the same. I really can't curb this pessimistic side of me that all too often builds up speed only for it to brake suddenly and the ensuing momentum propelling me through a windscreen till I hit the ground, hard, feeling the pain scorching through every orifice of my body.
Why do I feel so sad I ask myself. Rather, how can I swing so quickly from one emotion to another like a manic-depressive person? Whatever. I just want this moment to last forever but I know I can't. It's about letting go again. I remember this feeling last yr but somehow it wasn't this strong. I wasn't as close. Not like this bunch.
Something tt saddens me though is one of my teens who won't be 'graduating'. His brother seems to be affected as well. I don't know. Maybe I didn't do enough. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe.
I just know that once end of year comes, I will have lost a bunch of kids I truely love.
As I was settling some admin stuff for my Cat Class this year, I just couldn't help but feel melancholic. I'm coming to the end of a journey. A journey that I really enjoyed. A bunch of people that I've come to love. And get upset over when I feel I haven't done enough. It actually pains me to have to say goodbye. Things will never be the same. People always say we can keep in touch. But it never really is the same. I really can't curb this pessimistic side of me that all too often builds up speed only for it to brake suddenly and the ensuing momentum propelling me through a windscreen till I hit the ground, hard, feeling the pain scorching through every orifice of my body.
Why do I feel so sad I ask myself. Rather, how can I swing so quickly from one emotion to another like a manic-depressive person? Whatever. I just want this moment to last forever but I know I can't. It's about letting go again. I remember this feeling last yr but somehow it wasn't this strong. I wasn't as close. Not like this bunch.
Something tt saddens me though is one of my teens who won't be 'graduating'. His brother seems to be affected as well. I don't know. Maybe I didn't do enough. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe.
I just know that once end of year comes, I will have lost a bunch of kids I truely love.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
You're Beautiful
You're Beautiful - James Blunt
My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Stressed beyond a reasonable doubt
I think that for the first time I felt it again. The rush. The fear. The Stress.
There's so much to do and I realise that bad time management in the first half of the semester is not helping. Next week will be interesting: Thesis proposal presentation on Mon, 4103 essay on Wed, evaluation project proposal and all details to be settled by Fri which means we gotta meet and settle the details, go thru Dr Ng and then (hopefully) IMH will approve of it. Which I suspect would not be the case. We need to get started man. All the other groups are so onz. Not to mention, they've gotten their programs to evaluate. There's so much to read. Sigh. K gotta go now...ciao!
There's so much to do and I realise that bad time management in the first half of the semester is not helping. Next week will be interesting: Thesis proposal presentation on Mon, 4103 essay on Wed, evaluation project proposal and all details to be settled by Fri which means we gotta meet and settle the details, go thru Dr Ng and then (hopefully) IMH will approve of it. Which I suspect would not be the case. We need to get started man. All the other groups are so onz. Not to mention, they've gotten their programs to evaluate. There's so much to read. Sigh. K gotta go now...ciao!
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Heavy Thinking
I’ve been thinking a lot recently and the things that happen or I hear around me keeps it ‘burning’. Today’s sermon was just as poignant as that of yesterday. Today’s gospel passage is one of those that I hate. It’s the story of how labourers were hired by the Master to work in the fields for a fixed wage. Then the Master goes out and hires more labourers who start working later. At the end of the day, all were paid the same wage although some worked more/harder than the others. I hate this passage because I see it as unfair; injustice prevails. To me, it just means that there’s no point in working so hard – just slack till the last minute and you will still be embraced. I was beginning to fill with contempt as the passage was being read. Fr Henry Siew however provided another perspective, which I found illuminating. The passage is not about fairness or justice (or the lack of it). Instead, the focus should be on the generousity of the Master. Our heavenly Father loves us so much that He welcomes us even though we may join “late”; we all get the same treatment – unconditional Love.
Thus, it dawned on me that our God is One of equality, not equity. Personally, I believe very much in equity – “to be rewarded according to what one has given”. However, our God believes that all should be treated the same; no one deserves His Love any less than another. Maybe it’s the selfish streak in me but I don’t really like that idea especially when put in the context of Christian living. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not doing the things that I’m doing cos I have to but I think that it’s freaking unfair for me to have to do good when others can cheat, manipulate, fuck around, commit all sorts of crimes and then still “get away scot-free” just because they embrace God “at the last minute”. Don’t know what you guys think but that’s what I feel.
On another front I see myself including more people in my “love” list. You know there are certain people that just make you wanna love them. For most of us, it involves mainly our family and possible a boyfren or girlfren. However, over the past few weeks, I’ve seen myself add in several people into that list. First of all, there’s Dusty. Though she irritates me like mad sometimes, I still really love her and when someone shared with me her experience of losing her dog, it made me very sad too because I don’t want to have to face that day. But that day will come, hopefully not for a long time to come. I guess what makes Dusty so endearing is epitomised in what my mum said, that unlike humans, no matter if you scold or beat her, she doesn’t hold grudges and the very next moment, she’ll come to find you again. I think that it’s something that’s lacking in humans. This basic concept of forgiveness and of not holding grudges. If only humans were more like dogs. The other group of people that have been included in this list is that of my cat class kids. Most of them anyway. I guess I realised it today when I wanted to fight for the rights of some of them during my meeting but when no one seemed to share my view I just felt so upset. I realised then that it’s like that when you love someone. And as usual I hate the vulnerability that comes attached with that love you feel. Love conquers all right? *reality check* That’s bullshit. Sorry but I just had to include that statement. Anyway, just hope that I will be able to keep in touch and that they will remember me.
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Novena
Brought some of my cat class kids to Novena today. It was their first time for most of them. It was a good and nice experience. I liked Fr's sermon. He talked mainly about gossiping. Something that I myself am guilty of. Something that I sincerely want to do less. I think many of us out there gossip but don't see any harm in it. Well, I think that's myopia. Anyway, Fr said that we shd all think before we speak and the things that we want to share or tell others should pass a 3-layered test:
1st Layer - Is it true? If we don't even know it's true, why bother sharing it with others and spreading it around?
2nd Layer - Is it something good? Is the content of what you are gonna say about some good aspect of a person/event/thing?
3rd Layer - Is it useful? Does knowing this piece of information help or benefit anyone?
I think that many people just shoot their mouths off without thinking or simply spread gossip with others. I guess it's hard to see how words can hurt a person but it does. Maybe some people will only understand when they are the targets of such insults/gossip. To such people I just have to share a line with you:
"If what you're gonna say isn't going to improve the silence, just shut up"
Anyway, I had a good time hanging out with my Cat Class kids...hope that we'll keep in touch even after confirmation. That's something tt I've not been able to do with my class last year. I hope things are different this year. We'll see :)
1st Layer - Is it true? If we don't even know it's true, why bother sharing it with others and spreading it around?
2nd Layer - Is it something good? Is the content of what you are gonna say about some good aspect of a person/event/thing?
3rd Layer - Is it useful? Does knowing this piece of information help or benefit anyone?
I think that many people just shoot their mouths off without thinking or simply spread gossip with others. I guess it's hard to see how words can hurt a person but it does. Maybe some people will only understand when they are the targets of such insults/gossip. To such people I just have to share a line with you:
"If what you're gonna say isn't going to improve the silence, just shut up"
Anyway, I had a good time hanging out with my Cat Class kids...hope that we'll keep in touch even after confirmation. That's something tt I've not been able to do with my class last year. I hope things are different this year. We'll see :)
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Can of worms
I don't think I properly introduced to you guys my thesis topic. it's on the burdens and gains experienced by the caregivers of dementia patients. I've been doing a lot of reading and such but i don't think i gave much thought to the emotional issues involved till I attended the Public Forum on Dementia that was held at York hotel today (sat).
There were quite a few instances when I couldn't help but tear. In particular, Dr Phillip Yap from AH was really inspirational. I don't know why I feel so emotional also. Maybe it was cos of the night before (will tell you about tt later). But I had to control myself from bursting into tears at times. Man. This is gonna be my research. I'm gonna have to interview the caregivers one on one. I can't burst out crying then! What have I gotten myself into? Have I forgotten what an emotional creature I am? Oh well. Like the caregiver said, one step at a time.
Wanna share some phrases which struck me. Some might not mean a time to you, esp if it's more specifically related to dementia caregiving.
"the primary goal of dementia caregiving is to maintain the personhood of the sufferer"
"the longest journey a man has to make is that from his head to his heart"
"Mum has dementia and evetually died from it. She was the same as millions of others except for one important difference - she was my mother" (Davidson)
"the only way to heal is to give of yourself in the service of others" - said by a lady who lost her husband at the Nicholl Highway collapse and then her mother (to dementia) 3 weeks later
"if you want to see the rainbow, you have to 1st learn to put up with the rain"
I don't know why, but i think that this thesis will help me grow. I'm sure it will. For now, i'll have to deal with this emotional can of worms that I've opened.
Last Night...
was one of those nights when I felt really drained but no matter what I couldn't fall asleep. To make matters worse, I kept remembering the unhappy moments and things in my life. To really put the icing on the cake, I couldn't express my emptions. You know how you feel better afer crying, it really sucks when you can't let it out (when you want to of cos). oh well, life's fine, could be better but heck, it could always be better right? Just gotta have to make do.
There were quite a few instances when I couldn't help but tear. In particular, Dr Phillip Yap from AH was really inspirational. I don't know why I feel so emotional also. Maybe it was cos of the night before (will tell you about tt later). But I had to control myself from bursting into tears at times. Man. This is gonna be my research. I'm gonna have to interview the caregivers one on one. I can't burst out crying then! What have I gotten myself into? Have I forgotten what an emotional creature I am? Oh well. Like the caregiver said, one step at a time.
Wanna share some phrases which struck me. Some might not mean a time to you, esp if it's more specifically related to dementia caregiving.
"the primary goal of dementia caregiving is to maintain the personhood of the sufferer"
"the longest journey a man has to make is that from his head to his heart"
"Mum has dementia and evetually died from it. She was the same as millions of others except for one important difference - she was my mother" (Davidson)
"the only way to heal is to give of yourself in the service of others" - said by a lady who lost her husband at the Nicholl Highway collapse and then her mother (to dementia) 3 weeks later
"if you want to see the rainbow, you have to 1st learn to put up with the rain"
I don't know why, but i think that this thesis will help me grow. I'm sure it will. For now, i'll have to deal with this emotional can of worms that I've opened.
Last Night...
was one of those nights when I felt really drained but no matter what I couldn't fall asleep. To make matters worse, I kept remembering the unhappy moments and things in my life. To really put the icing on the cake, I couldn't express my emptions. You know how you feel better afer crying, it really sucks when you can't let it out (when you want to of cos). oh well, life's fine, could be better but heck, it could always be better right? Just gotta have to make do.
Friday, September 09, 2005
those with no electronic identity have no social identity
the title is from my CS1105 tutorial. not that i believe it but then I really find it damn difficult to live w/o my laptop esp since I dont have a desktop at home. the thing is i cant live w/o technology, not in uni at least. and i realised that i've been so attached to the internet that i usu go online every night now.
the scare starting on Mon when I was summarising an article for my sw4103 assignment and then the screen went all funny. Then i realised i couldnt on my laptop anymore. Sigh. Freaking out. Anger. Then i decided to sleep it off...and it kinda worked till I felt the frustration again! oh man, all my hard work gone! wtf! Then fear....oh fuck... had not backed up my thesis research or my 4103 stuff...how how?? oh well, in the end the nice guy at the service center took out my HD and allowed me to save SOME of my files into a thumbdrive. Thank goodness. At least SOME of my info is saved. Thanks to those who prayed for my laptop...thanks a lot...really appreciate it.
so now goes life w/o technology for some time. My options are as follows:
1. Repair my laptop at Fujitsu service center which would cost $770 (+GST + $80) if the problem is with the main board or $900+ (+GST + $80) if its to do with the screen.
2. Repair my laptop with someone on the outside....might get a quotation to gauge the price but I don't expect it to be cheap.
3. Get a new laptop for less than $2k which would be useful esp if I'm doing thesis work in sch and for viewing CS1105 breeze b4 lecture.
4. Get a desktop (thinking of getting a Dell) not gonna buy those assemble ones cos they don't come with a guarantee and I don't think that's a wise option this honours year.
So what do you think guys? Any advice? Any lobang...pls tell me...thanks!
the scare starting on Mon when I was summarising an article for my sw4103 assignment and then the screen went all funny. Then i realised i couldnt on my laptop anymore. Sigh. Freaking out. Anger. Then i decided to sleep it off...and it kinda worked till I felt the frustration again! oh man, all my hard work gone! wtf! Then fear....oh fuck... had not backed up my thesis research or my 4103 stuff...how how?? oh well, in the end the nice guy at the service center took out my HD and allowed me to save SOME of my files into a thumbdrive. Thank goodness. At least SOME of my info is saved. Thanks to those who prayed for my laptop...thanks a lot...really appreciate it.
so now goes life w/o technology for some time. My options are as follows:
1. Repair my laptop at Fujitsu service center which would cost $770 (+GST + $80) if the problem is with the main board or $900+ (+GST + $80) if its to do with the screen.
2. Repair my laptop with someone on the outside....might get a quotation to gauge the price but I don't expect it to be cheap.
3. Get a new laptop for less than $2k which would be useful esp if I'm doing thesis work in sch and for viewing CS1105 breeze b4 lecture.
4. Get a desktop (thinking of getting a Dell) not gonna buy those assemble ones cos they don't come with a guarantee and I don't think that's a wise option this honours year.
So what do you think guys? Any advice? Any lobang...pls tell me...thanks!
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