One Tree Hill / Cool day

I watched One Tree Hill again today. I like that show. In particular I like Lucas; think he's not only cool and good-looking, he has a sensitive human side to him. Good actor. A piece of dialogue struck me (not physically):

Lucas: I had no intention of hurting you.
Girl who he supposedly got pregnant: It doesn't matter; it hurts all the same.

I guess sometimes we tell ourselves our intentions are good then the outcome doesn't matter or rather we're not as liable for the hurt or pain that we've caused others. But is this true?

It's been a cool day. The first time (i don't think there was a last time) when I didn't on the fan at all even at the peak of the afternoon. Oh well, such days only come once in awhile so I made full of it...zzZ

Sunday morning blogging with an essay to write

Most of the morning has passed and I have yet to begin writing a single word for my essay due tomorrow. The fact is I'm too emotionally charged to write anything. Definitely not an essay about the theory of a family therapy and its application into a case example.
It's amazing how people can be 9 years apart and still go through the exact emotions; the same reaction to a similar situation. I guess it's really true that you have to had gone through it in order for you to help someone and to be able to feel it in that person's shoes. How else can we help the person if we can't fathom his/her subjective reality, but instead attempt to apply our textbook teachings into the situation cos "research has shown that...".
I was thinking about something said during CG...that God gives us all we need/want but not directly through the means we think will get will us those needs/wants (e.g. want a gd job doesnt mean we'll do well for all our studies but God still will give us that good job). So He determines the end but the process is up to us?
Last night I prayed, earnestly, for the 1st time in a long time, for God to take away all the pain that exists in this world. I can't take it anymore. Why must pain exist? Why must I see my friends go through pain? Why must people I know hurt themselves in order to feel better about themselves? Why can't teens get along with their parents? Why do people have to experience the illness and death of their loved ones? Why? WHY??
I guess the problem is that I don't know where or rather how to draw the line so that my friends' problems are not mine. But I can't. I feel all they do and it's really getting to me. How the fuck am I gonna be a social worker if this carries on? I will burnout in no time. But I want to help everyone. I don't want anyone to "fall through the cracks" and be forgotten or unhelped. But somehow time doesnt seem to permit me to. I'm really not enjoying my honours year at all. K this may be an exaggeration but the fact remains that it's stopping me from doing the things that I want to do - helping people - cos I seem to be too busy with 'more important things'.



"In the service of love, only broken hearts will do"

Time to get sappy again

It's amazing how much emotions I allow myself although I'm swarmed with work. It's as if God has blessed me with this gift of being able to feel a million emotions at once. The problem being my inability to comprehend, let alone the ability to control or regulate them.
As I was settling some admin stuff for my Cat Class this year, I just couldn't help but feel melancholic. I'm coming to the end of a journey. A journey that I really enjoyed. A bunch of people that I've come to love. And get upset over when I feel I haven't done enough. It actually pains me to have to say goodbye. Things will never be the same. People always say we can keep in touch. But it never really is the same. I really can't curb this pessimistic side of me that all too often builds up speed only for it to brake suddenly and the ensuing momentum propelling me through a windscreen till I hit the ground, hard, feeling the pain scorching through every orifice of my body.
Why do I feel so sad I ask myself. Rather, how can I swing so quickly from one emotion to another like a manic-depressive person? Whatever. I just want this moment to last forever but I know I can't. It's about letting go again. I remember this feeling last yr but somehow it wasn't this strong. I wasn't as close. Not like this bunch.
Something tt saddens me though is one of my teens who won't be 'graduating'. His brother seems to be affected as well. I don't know. Maybe I didn't do enough. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe.

I just know that once end of year comes, I will have lost a bunch of kids I truely love.

You're Beautiful

You're Beautiful - James Blunt

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

Stressed beyond a reasonable doubt

I think that for the first time I felt it again. The rush. The fear. The Stress.
There's so much to do and I realise that bad time management in the first half of the semester is not helping. Next week will be interesting: Thesis proposal presentation on Mon, 4103 essay on Wed, evaluation project proposal and all details to be settled by Fri which means we gotta meet and settle the details, go thru Dr Ng and then (hopefully) IMH will approve of it. Which I suspect would not be the case. We need to get started man. All the other groups are so onz. Not to mention, they've gotten their programs to evaluate. There's so much to read. Sigh. K gotta go now...ciao!

Heavy Thinking

I’ve been thinking a lot recently and the things that happen or I hear around me keeps it ‘burning’. Today’s sermon was just as poignant as that of yesterday. Today’s gospel passage is one of those that I hate. It’s the story of how labourers were hired by the Master to work in the fields for a fixed wage. Then the Master goes out and hires more labourers who start working later. At the end of the day, all were paid the same wage although some worked more/harder than the others. I hate this passage because I see it as unfair; injustice prevails. To me, it just means that there’s no point in working so hard – just slack till the last minute and you will still be embraced. I was beginning to fill with contempt as the passage was being read. Fr Henry Siew however provided another perspective, which I found illuminating. The passage is not about fairness or justice (or the lack of it). Instead, the focus should be on the generousity of the Master. Our heavenly Father loves us so much that He welcomes us even though we may join “late”; we all get the same treatment – unconditional Love.

Thus, it dawned on me that our God is One of equality, not equity. Personally, I believe very much in equity – “to be rewarded according to what one has given”. However, our God believes that all should be treated the same; no one deserves His Love any less than another. Maybe it’s the selfish streak in me but I don’t really like that idea especially when put in the context of Christian living. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not doing the things that I’m doing cos I have to but I think that it’s freaking unfair for me to have to do good when others can cheat, manipulate, fuck around, commit all sorts of crimes and then still “get away scot-free” just because they embrace God “at the last minute”. Don’t know what you guys think but that’s what I feel.

On another front I see myself including more people in my “love” list. You know there are certain people that just make you wanna love them. For most of us, it involves mainly our family and possible a boyfren or girlfren. However, over the past few weeks, I’ve seen myself add in several people into that list. First of all, there’s Dusty. Though she irritates me like mad sometimes, I still really love her and when someone shared with me her experience of losing her dog, it made me very sad too because I don’t want to have to face that day. But that day will come, hopefully not for a long time to come. I guess what makes Dusty so endearing is epitomised in what my mum said, that unlike humans, no matter if you scold or beat her, she doesn’t hold grudges and the very next moment, she’ll come to find you again. I think that it’s something that’s lacking in humans. This basic concept of forgiveness and of not holding grudges. If only humans were more like dogs. The other group of people that have been included in this list is that of my cat class kids. Most of them anyway. I guess I realised it today when I wanted to fight for the rights of some of them during my meeting but when no one seemed to share my view I just felt so upset. I realised then that it’s like that when you love someone. And as usual I hate the vulnerability that comes attached with that love you feel. Love conquers all right? *reality check* That’s bullshit. Sorry but I just had to include that statement. Anyway, just hope that I will be able to keep in touch and that they will remember me.

Novena

Brought some of my cat class kids to Novena today. It was their first time for most of them. It was a good and nice experience. I liked Fr's sermon. He talked mainly about gossiping. Something that I myself am guilty of. Something that I sincerely want to do less. I think many of us out there gossip but don't see any harm in it. Well, I think that's myopia. Anyway, Fr said that we shd all think before we speak and the things that we want to share or tell others should pass a 3-layered test:

1st Layer - Is it true? If we don't even know it's true, why bother sharing it with others and spreading it around?

2nd Layer - Is it something good? Is the content of what you are gonna say about some good aspect of a person/event/thing?

3rd Layer - Is it useful? Does knowing this piece of information help or benefit anyone?

I think that many people just shoot their mouths off without thinking or simply spread gossip with others. I guess it's hard to see how words can hurt a person but it does. Maybe some people will only understand when they are the targets of such insults/gossip. To such people I just have to share a line with you:

"If what you're gonna say isn't going to improve the silence, just shut up"

Anyway, I had a good time hanging out with my Cat Class kids...hope that we'll keep in touch even after confirmation. That's something tt I've not been able to do with my class last year. I hope things are different this year. We'll see :)

Can of worms

I don't think I properly introduced to you guys my thesis topic. it's on the burdens and gains experienced by the caregivers of dementia patients. I've been doing a lot of reading and such but i don't think i gave much thought to the emotional issues involved till I attended the Public Forum on Dementia that was held at York hotel today (sat).
There were quite a few instances when I couldn't help but tear. In particular, Dr Phillip Yap from AH was really inspirational. I don't know why I feel so emotional also. Maybe it was cos of the night before (will tell you about tt later). But I had to control myself from bursting into tears at times. Man. This is gonna be my research. I'm gonna have to interview the caregivers one on one. I can't burst out crying then! What have I gotten myself into? Have I forgotten what an emotional creature I am? Oh well. Like the caregiver said, one step at a time.

Wanna share some phrases which struck me. Some might not mean a time to you, esp if it's more specifically related to dementia caregiving.

"the primary goal of dementia caregiving is to maintain the personhood of the sufferer"

"the longest journey a man has to make is that from his head to his heart"

"Mum has dementia and evetually died from it. She was the same as millions of others except for one important difference - she was my mother" (Davidson)

"the only way to heal is to give of yourself in the service of others" - said by a lady who lost her husband at the Nicholl Highway collapse and then her mother (to dementia) 3 weeks later

"if you want to see the rainbow, you have to 1st learn to put up with the rain"

I don't know why, but i think that this thesis will help me grow. I'm sure it will. For now, i'll have to deal with this emotional can of worms that I've opened.


Last Night...

was one of those nights when I felt really drained but no matter what I couldn't fall asleep. To make matters worse, I kept remembering the unhappy moments and things in my life. To really put the icing on the cake, I couldn't express my emptions. You know how you feel better afer crying, it really sucks when you can't let it out (when you want to of cos). oh well, life's fine, could be better but heck, it could always be better right? Just gotta have to make do.

those with no electronic identity have no social identity

the title is from my CS1105 tutorial. not that i believe it but then I really find it damn difficult to live w/o my laptop esp since I dont have a desktop at home. the thing is i cant live w/o technology, not in uni at least. and i realised that i've been so attached to the internet that i usu go online every night now.
the scare starting on Mon when I was summarising an article for my sw4103 assignment and then the screen went all funny. Then i realised i couldnt on my laptop anymore. Sigh. Freaking out. Anger. Then i decided to sleep it off...and it kinda worked till I felt the frustration again! oh man, all my hard work gone! wtf! Then fear....oh fuck... had not backed up my thesis research or my 4103 stuff...how how?? oh well, in the end the nice guy at the service center took out my HD and allowed me to save SOME of my files into a thumbdrive. Thank goodness. At least SOME of my info is saved. Thanks to those who prayed for my laptop...thanks a lot...really appreciate it.
so now goes life w/o technology for some time. My options are as follows:

1. Repair my laptop at Fujitsu service center which would cost $770 (+GST + $80) if the problem is with the main board or $900+ (+GST + $80) if its to do with the screen.

2. Repair my laptop with someone on the outside....might get a quotation to gauge the price but I don't expect it to be cheap.

3. Get a new laptop for less than $2k which would be useful esp if I'm doing thesis work in sch and for viewing CS1105 breeze b4 lecture.

4. Get a desktop (thinking of getting a Dell) not gonna buy those assemble ones cos they don't come with a guarantee and I don't think that's a wise option this honours year.

So what do you think guys? Any advice? Any lobang...pls tell me...thanks!

suspected surprise

When my godson called me on Fri to ask me whether we could meet up on Sat, I didn't think much of it. Till he told me to meet his at the church entrance instead of the canteen.

"why the entrance?"
"just wait there", I was told.

On Sat, it got much more suspicious when Aaron didn't appear at 2 and some of the girls in my class were way too early for the trip. Then later some of the kids in class surprised me with a cake, a Teachers' Day cake. My goodness, I'm a teacher! Well, it really was a pleasant surprise though I suspected something was up already. Thanks to Darry, Charles, Sudibyo, Matthew, Bern, Averil, Cheryl and Cherlyn for the surprise :D and of cos Aaron who helped in the trickery though he couldn't be there. Really appreciate the effort man. And the card was wonderful too. I will leave you with one phrase in the card, my "girlfren" wrote it:

My boyfriend stones, cos his girlfren ROCKS!

Man, I hope I didn't spread the lameness.

There are some people you just can't help but love.

Basketball, Employers, Teachers & Life

On the way back from the airport just now, I recalled how much I liked basketball in the past. When I was in my sec sch, the Band ppl always play soccer or basketball after practice on Sat (sometimes on the other 3 days) and it was then the interest started. I rem cos we had combined practice with Zhonghua Band, we challenged them to a basketball match and trashed them. Their basketball sch team players heard about it and challenged us to a match and trashed us. Then our sch basketball team players heard about it and helped us seek revenge by beating them. Looking back, it's dumb. We shd have just said no and ended the chance of getting humiliated. I guess that's the problem when you're a teen, it's hard to say no to challenges. The two most memorial basketball matches that I played in are fresh in my head. The first is this game my sec4 class played after our prelim exams. It was at the now defunct Braddel Heights CC. TY, Alvin & Zhijie were in my team and we were just unbeatable, which was surprising cos only TY was ever really good but we seem to be making all the shots. The second match was during the time when I played basketball every Fri night with my sec sch classmates during my JC1 days. I rem that the final score was 100-75 (of cos I'm on the winning team otherwise it wouldnt be memoriable ;) and we took almost 2 hrs though the pros take about 48 mins to reach tt score. My shooting was so much better then cos I would practice the trajectory and follow-through again and again. Those were the (basketball) days :)

Someone told me recently that if he was an employer, he would employ me cos he trusted me. It was really an honour to hear that. It got me thinking - I think he is right as in he can trust me cos I would never betray the trust of a fren. Then I began thinking about which one of my friends I would and would not hire if I ever had the privilege of being an employer. It's like you know some ppl very well, how they work, how much importance they place in the work that they do, how much pride they take in their work. Some others are (though friends) just don't make good employees or maybe they'll jusy wayang like in army. Just got me thinking.

CY brought up the topic of teachers recently and I realised how big an influence teachers can play in one's life. Some teachers are great and always talked about when I meet up with my sec sch mates. Peter Tan from St Gabs is one such person - someone who really got me to like and appreciate Literature. Other teachers however are just damn screwed up. I think the worst thing you can do is to put a person down. Don't get me wrong, I think that it's fine if you scold and all but to put the person down and condemn him/her instead of the action is just not right. So many ppl come to mind when I think of such teachers. Selena Tan from St Gabs was like that. Stupid bitch. NJC also didn't seem to have very gd teachers. Or was it my luck? I mean, even during the periods when I tried, I was hardly encouraged. Instead I was put down. It's really damn frustrating when you are picked on, even in the vastness of LT1. Oh well, I don't hold bitterness lah. I just feel that teachers will know how much they can impact on the lives of those they teach. Though they might see it immediately, some actions go a long way.

On a side note, I was really pleasantly surprised to receive two Happy Teachers' Day smses last night. Thanks a lot Cherlyn & Sudibyo - thanks for affirming my decision to carry on in this ministry :D

Life has been rather mundane. Oh wait, but if I had so much work to do, how come I can still attend Arts AGM, Exco AGM, CG, have dinner out, go Munchie Monkey then Spinelli to hang out, etc? Next Mon might be going Paulaner somemore. I guess I'm still not in full gear but if I could have it my way, I want to speed ahead but include all these elements in my life. I think tt's how I want my 4th and last yr in NUS to be like.

Change

It's been a fast and slow couple of days. One of those days when you don't feel productive but kinda productive, do some work but don't do others. Feel happy when slacking, happy when working.
Fri was quite bad at first. Got off the phone with a lady who's in charge of agencies with potential respondents for my research. Seems like I will have a lot of difficulty getting my sample. Indeed. I felt like crying. Then when I saw CY in the lib, God seemed to have sent me hope. Dr Ng had asked him to pass me a registration form to participate in a forum related to my topic. And of cos some of my honours classmates seem to be helping me as well. I'm blessed.
I seem to need lots of sleep these days. 9 hours to be exact. Sigh. I need to work, get started on real work. Not just aimless 'research'.
I enjoyed celebrating CY birthday on Fri...it was gd. SWAPS AGM was errr...well...all we can say is that we tried our best. At the end of the day, emotions still triump over rationality.
Anyway, I'm back from CHarkwa's Bday...hope she enjoyed herself. On the way back I heard this song in the car...very nice song...and too new in fact to d/l :p Anyway, do catch it if you can...for all of you...


CHANGE - by Tracy Chapman

If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and Love,
Would you change? Would you change?

If you knew that love can break your heart,
When you're down so low you cannot fall,
Would you change? Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses, how much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around, makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget, makes you change?

If you knew that you would be alone,
Knowing right, being wrong,
Would you change? Would you change?

If you knew that you would find a truth,
That brings up pain that can't be soothed,
Would you change? Would you change?

How bad, how good does it need to get?
How many losses, how much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around, makes you try to explain,
Makes you forgive and forget, makes you change?
Makes you change

Are you so upright you can't be bent?
If it comes to blows are you sure you won't be crawling?
If not for the good, why risk falling?

If everything you think you know,
Makes your life unbearable,
Would you change? Would you change?

If you'd broken every rule and vow
And hard times come to bring you down,
Would you change? Would you change?

If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and Love,
Would you change? Would you change?
Would you change? Would you change?

If you saw the face of God and Love,
If you saw the face of God and Love,
Would you change? Would you change?




It really struck me. I hope it did the same for you.

Crash: moving at the speed of life, we are bound to collide with each other

It's a movie that I had been wanting to catch but couldn't find someone to watch with.

In a line this movie is about...

all the various ethnicities in America and how they have stereotypes of other ethnicities which are in fact perpetuated by the actions of those they stereotype. Get it? well, for a better sypnosis check out the official website: Crash

Anyway, the thing that I liked about the movie was the fact that they protrayed the different facets of each character so much so that even though one character (eg. Matt Dillion) was just a bastard in one scene, he played a hero in another, being a filial son in another. It's this capturing of various aspects of one character that struck me the most - even the worst ppl on this earth have a soft side to them; even the nicest ppl have their flaws. I guess that's how all of us are - the good and bad side resides in us. Anyway, just wanna leave you guys with this pic I ripped off the official website...shd catch the movie if you can :)

Welcome to Honours Year

As I walked into class for my first lesson this sem, I couldn't help but feel a tinge of excitement. The little excitement faded though and was quickly replaced with fear and high cortisol levels. The fact that so much was demanded, compounded with the loss of fantastic potential grp mates such as CY and Fareez made it so much harder to breathe. Computing & Society wasn't too promising too and the fact that I had no more S/Us left didn't bode well for me either.

On a positive front, my meeting with my thesis sup, Dr Ow, turned out much better than expected. Bad thing is that all my research on suicide & cutting behaviour has come to nought cos my thesis topic is now on the very different topic of caregiving of Alzheimer's patients. Interesting part is that I have to read up on this growing aspect of psych called - Positive Psychology. Will have to make contact with the 4 agencies in Singapore which serve this select but growing grp of patients in Spore. There's a lot of work to be done.

At least it ended off with gd frens - thanks for those who had dinner with me (CY, bao, nan, jon, jo, lex) and popped by (aka scared of cockroach gal) thanks for being my social support. At least I know I won't be alone on this journey.

I'm tired but I don't wanna sleep...

welcome to the new semester. For the record, I have not had my first class yet.
there're so many thoughts in my head now.

myself: there're so many things about myself I wanna change. One of which I mentioned in my previous post already. The other which my fren CY actually mentioned to me last week but I kinda dismissed it. His pastor had told him something about the words he speak shd be about God. The CY went on to say that he shd stop joking n poking fun of ppl. It only struck me today when Fr mentioned it during his homily. What is it that I am speaking, can someone tell if I am a Christian from what I say? Profanities shd be the first to go but I doubt I can control it when I play soccer or when some jerk cuts into my lane. It has become instinctual, almost an automatic response. Is making fun of others good? I don't think so. You may think that they can take it or rather they don't take it to heart but you never know. And there's nothing inherently good in generating laughter at another's expence. The same goes for gossiping. Actually, I don't know where is the line and what constitutes gossiping about someone. I construe it as talking about BAD things behind one's back. I've been guilty of that the past few weeks. I don't know why but I'm not naturally gossipy but...sigh...must try to change.
I want to exercise more and lose weight. Man, I'm the fattest I've ever been in my life but I seem SO comfortable with myself that I don't even bother. Sigh.
I want to read the bible on a regular basis. I think laziness is the reason behind not doing so. Fr said today that it's the most important book you'll ever need to read but why do I choose to read some social work text every sem instead of the bible?
I want to remain humble. Another impt point that CY pointed out last week.

About being single...
I want to remain focused this yr and I'm not gonna let ANY girl get me off track. I guess I've tried to get to know someone better but it's not working out. Somehow tt's the way it is lah but I'm not gonna let it get me down. For the many girls who have been wanting to get to know me better, I'm sorry. Really really sorry. Maybe you can take a queue number and we can meet up like after the 31st of March, 2006? cos tt's when my thesis is due :D
Come on Nick, who are you kidding? Aiya, whatever lah, single then single lah. The most I will join Keenan and have a Double Ordination at the CHurch of the Risen Christ in 8 yrs time :p

About CSS...
trying to wash my hands and keep quiet wrt to decision making or commenting about how things shd be done etc...indeed it has changed...in many areas for the better but in some areas for the worse. I rem telling Alan n Wayne about how I felt I was not needed anymore, that I was out of the "grand design" and Alan so wisely commented, that's the way it's meant to be. That's God's way of teaching us that none of us are indispensible. Life goes on. Time to let go.

About Church & Cat Class...
Henry asked me a qn no one in church has asked me b4, "how come you're not in SALT?" I never considered joining the youth ministry b4. I don't think it's being run properly but shd I join, to try to make a difference? Anyway, looking forward to Ser coming back next yr and hopefully can pull in others like Carol? Then at least we got a core team. It's really much easier to work with ppl on the same wavelength.
I'm intending to bring my kids to novena, prob during the one week break (inspired by Ian). Gonna take a lot of effort man but I think it shd be done. Might try to connect to my previous class too but tt's gonna be MUCH harder to do. Sometimes I ask for too much: that they always feel God's Love, that they keep the faith, that they rem that God loves them. I wonder if they even rem a single thing I told them. Do they rem me. I don't think I've done much for my Godson. He's still so playful and his 'O's are ard the corner. I tried telling that to him then i realised tt I ended up nagging n he switched off. I really want him to do well man. *wake up wake up* I want you to do well.


*TIRED*

Anyway, I will leave you guys with a song. I think I heard this song subconsciously before. Then one morning when I was waiting for my ex at KAP (she was 1.5 hrs late), I started humming the tune w/o knowing the song and only after that did I ask ard and found out what it was...enjoy.

Out of my Head -by Fastball


Sometimes I feel
Like I am drunk behind the wheel
The wheel of possibility
However it may roll
Give it a spin
See if you can somehow factor in
You know there's always more than one way
To say exactly what you mean to say

Was I out of my head? Was I out of my mind?
How could I have ever been so blind?
I was waiting for an indication
It was hard to find
Don't matter what I say only what I do
I never mean to do bad things to you
So quiet but I finally woke up
If you're sad then its time you spoke up too

It's hard being Christian

there have been many times the past few days that I'v had the urge to blog and the moment I go to this page, the urge dies off as suddenly as it came. So many things have happened, so many things I wanna blog about. Most recently, about the sermon that the priest at Novena gave just now. I felt inspired. I wanted to focus on God, love all those ard me. But I can't. It's like I don't know why but I get agitated so easily and I don't have hormones or the rush of blood to blame for it. Then it's just me?
I couldn't have asked for a better start to the new academic year - waking up at 10, mass at novena & lunch with my family. But then, it's always my irritability & tone of voice that screws things up.
Many times it's not the content or what you say that matters, but HOW you say it:
"CAN YOU NOT BANG THE DOOR SO HARD?!?!" as compared to...
*smile* "hey, are you trying to spoil my door?"

I don't know lah but I think it's something that I have to work on. I tend to take the aggressive tone esp when something is done not to my liking. Even when I pose a genuine question to a presenter, it seems confrontational. *sigh* I will try to change that this sem.

It's so easy to be un-Christian in my behaviour. But it's so freaking hard to be Chrisitian-like. So freaking hard.

St Anne's Feastday & Funfair '05

I had fun today. Comparing myself back to last year when alan and myself got a shady deal - wearing this lime-green polo-tee and having to become the fatigue party: the team of macho men in tight tees who you can summon to clear rubbish, get u drinks or clear your table. This year, the CP3s had to man the Frog Jump game stall. It was fun. Hot though but the thing I was most pleased with is that EVERY single person in my cat class went. I was suspecting that Kenneth might find an excuse to run off, Melvin, Watson & Wilson won't show and Fabiola might be too tired to come. Was really pleasantly surprised when all came and all helped out even if it was for a short while. Thanks a million to those like Wayne & MarkC who helped out even though they didn't need to. Ed & Peter, thanks for ur dedication n big heart for helping out so long. I liked it cos this year, the kids ran the show lah and I could just slack at the back :)
Had a gd time walking about n all too.
*side track*
have to tell you guys a pick-up line that came to my mind yest. I tried tripping one of the girls in my cat class cos she was suaning me then it occured to me.
First I try to trip the girl. Then she'll prob ask, "why did you do that???" Then I say, "Cos I want you to fall for me!" :D and give a goofy grin (the kind Maurice is great at).
The prob with this was that I verbalised it to my cat class kids and now they insist that I'm trying to get Cheryl to fall for me. Oh man, my mistake, my mistake.
*back to funfair*

Went home rather tired but had to stay awake so that I could reach church by 430pm for the procession rehearsal. The statue which my cat class kids had to carry was heavy man; my arms were trembling when Anthony and myself shifted it. I'm quite proud that all 8 of them - Dion, Sudi, Darry, Charles, Averil, Bern, Cherlyn & Cheryl - managed to pull it off. Saw them struggling but in the end they managed to pull thru. heh. Mass was good and overall, it was a good day. Good Day.

Had dinner at KFC in Compasspoint with 6 of them and chatted for awhile, n let the guys show me some magic card tricks. Then escorted Sudi, Charles, Cherlyn & Cheryl to grab a cab. All 4 of them squeezed at the back :)

Interacting with them, talking to them, hanging out with them made me think about myself when I was their age. When I attended catechism. Sadly, I don't rem ANYone in my class. I was shy back then; talking to girls was something like a last resort thing and I could never be myself when with them. I wish I were more sociable and outspoken then. Maybe I would have made more frens, maybe I would have been more popular, maybe I would have more female frens, maybe. Then I think about the other ppl in my class, about the quieter ones. The ones who are as shy as, if not more shy than I was back then. I guess that's the reason why i try to include them all the time. I know how they feel? And it's a good thing cos once you've been there you know how it feels and you'll want to make them feel comfortable, that they're important and include them in the things u do. Sometimes, things can get dominated by the more prominent ppl in the class n the rest are left out. I guess tt's why I was shy in the past. Just glad that I'm close to the kids. Gonna make an effort to reach out to the rest. k tired sia~ next week will be intensive research. tt's my promise to myself. here's to 100 years of Mugging - NUS!!!

Of Tuesdays, emotions, selfishness and songs.

Finally managed to catch Tuesdays with Morrie on Hallmark channell and I must admit it was rather embarrassing. Holding back tears in front of my mum and sis. Even during the first part when my mum asked rather ignorantly:" he's gonna die right?" I burst into tears and half laughing and crying I burst out "yes, yes..." It's a good show lah. I want to read it again but I realised I lent it to someone and the person hasn't returned. The best part is that I can't rem who I lent it to. :(

reading blogs lead me to think...

1. I don't consider myself an MCP. I believe that girls are equal, if not superior to guys in most areas. With the obvious exception of driving of cos. I don't mind opening doors, giving way etc etc to girls without thinking twice. BUT I don't like it when girls take it as a given that it MUST be the way. I don't know about you guys lah but I think it rather hypocritical if girls demand equality and still expect all these things to be done. Doesn't equality mean both genders (notice the use of gender as compared to sex) does not have to be 'served' by the other?
Taking this argument a notch further, is there really equality in the judicial system? Doesn't anyone realise that our legal system is biased against guys, especially in divorce proceedings. I think times have changed and with more women working instead of home-making, these same laws which was legislated to protect them should be revised.

2. I took this part off the comment I left on Surely's blog :p
Many things in life are relative I guess and knowing someone else out there is worse off than you never fails to make most feel better. Don't you realise there's something inherently selfish in that statement? Human nature I guess. I'm guilty of that too. I didnt make this statement to judge anyone ya so don't misunderstand. I just realised it lah. Many a times I feel better knowing that there are others going thru what I am or worse off than me. What do you think?

ANyway, tomolo is St Anne's Food & Funfair...hope it's fun!! I'm helping out in the FrogJump Game Stall.

Leave you guys with a song:

Everything -Lifehouse (Smallville Soundtrack)

Find me here, speak to me

I want to feel you, I need to hear you

You are the light that's leading me to the place

Where I find peace again

You are the strength that keeps me walking

You are the hope that keeps me trusting

You are the life to my soul

You are my purpose

You're everything

And how can I stand here with you

And not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this

You calm the storms and you give me rest

You hold me in your hands

You won't let me fall

You still my heart and you take my breath away

Would you take me in, take me deeper now

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this

Cause you're all I want, you're all I need

You're everything, everything

You're all I want

You're all I need

You're everything, everything

You're all I want

You're all I need

You're everything, everything

You're all I want

You're all I need

Everything, everything

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be any better any better than this

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this


I hope to be able to sing this song and mean what it says, one day. One day.

Frustration / Poem

I feel quite frustrated now. Wanna screw everything but I can't. I'm both hard-hearted and soft-hearted. Hard-hearten enough to feel like screwing it all but bitching about it. But soft-hearted enough to still go on with it and endure. According to the Law of Noncontradiction, I shouldn't exist.
The following poem (though I think it sounds more like a song) was written by my former cat class student...

“Liar,” I scream, “Liar!” again.
The drums began rolling
Now I’m in the game
How I’ve sought injustice;
Now living it well
Thought I’ll die shattered?
Your tongue swells.

You live on your mendacity;
Be afraid, they bite.
Like thunder in a storm,
They’ll haunt you at night.

Be fearful, my dear.
Be petrified.
When your season’s over,
I’ll rise from the vault.
Though I’ve never perished,
Your eyes only feint.
This rapport might betray
This odium never expires.

A song of today's teen. Thanks for letting me put this up G** ;)

Hive of activity

It's a been a very busy past few days.

Sat - planning for cat class. It went kinda well. I think it's better when I'm more relaxed and things run more smoothly. mass was at 8pm so decided to head down to King's. watched a lot of Troy first b4 heading down to CarkeQuay and Boat Quay area. Explored this place called Gallery Hotel which is some botique apartment place and discovered a few pubs there. too bad we couldn't explore the swimming pool. it would have been cool. headed down to eski but decided to drink at Hooegarden first. Had a full pint then watched Ian drink a waterfall. spectacular!! then we had a shot of tequila each...sweet. headed down to eski and had a gd time chilling out (pun intended). had supper and a fag with the guys. saw SerP there. Haven't seen her in awhile. Oh well, it's better like this. hung out n chatted a bit (jon n greg we shd do more nights like this) and then took a wonderful bath in the bathtub! I love bathtubs (though this one was a little too small/short for me)!! when I came out, everyone was asleep...n I shared a bed with Jon...how nice! ;)

Sun - woke up with the urge to swim so was grateful that Ian and Jon who initially wanted to sleep more joined us. Barry and I headed for the steambath first, then 15 mins in the Suana and then a dip in the pool! heavenly! after we checked out, I had lunch alone at Raffles City BK then decided to head for the New National Lib. The view from the 14th floor is fantastic man. Checked out the social sci section on L7 and found a few books on social work. Not bad. Sat at this table with the view of suntec, marina area. How to concentrate like that? ;) the lifts offer a great view too...second only to Pan Pacific Hotel's lifts! I skipped the basement though cos it was packed. Hate crowds.
Met CY at abt 3pm and we went to Paulaner Munchen for beer. Went shopping for ahbao's present then ate the famous curry puff. Went to drink beer again and then ate Carl Jr's! It's fantastic man! DEFINITELY the BEST burger I've eaten. Had the super star. It's like the whopper but with TWO beef patties. Of cos, it's damn ex lah...we had to move off so we couldn't get the meal which is 10 bucks (more worth it). My Super Star cost $6.90! But money well spent lah (once in awhile ok lah).
then went back to Paulaner Munchen for the third time. The beer and wine is 1-for-1 from 2pm-8pm sundays n mondays. By the end of the day, I had drank close to 2 litres of beer. It's gd stuff. oh then we were writing ahbao's card n setting up the cake when she found us. What a surprise...for us tt is. heh. but had a gd time drinking n snacking. And once again, Tock, that wonderful guy sent us all home! heh.

I got some good news. News that when I first read about on Sat evening in my dad's car, it brought a broad smile to my face. I thank you God from the very depth of my soul. Thank you for what you have given me and for your affirmation.

Singapore National Employers' Federation Medal (Bronze) 2004-2005
Special Book Prize (Social Work) 2004-2005

I guess this is the pinnacle. Year 4 is starting soon. I will do my best. And all I do, I do it in Your Name. Amen.