innermost thots

pls don't read if you don't wanna get depressed or have your mood affected.

I don't know why I'm doing this. Maybe, it's cos of my reflective mood. Maybe it's the music that I'm listening to now. I just feel sad. And I guess there're some things I have to speak of, tell everyone. Just this once.

I think my biggest problem is my low self-confidence/esteem. Well, maybe 2nd biggest problem. The real reason why I took social work was because I wanted to become a good person. I wanted to help others. To make a difference in the lives of others. How does low self-esteem/confidence come into the pic? I doubt. I doubt my own ability to get out there and make a difference without either screwing up the lives of others or getting seriously hurt myself. I've opened up another door in recent days and I'm seriously considering going out into the field and be there. Be there for those who society shun. To help them to help themselves. To hopefully get them to change for themselves. To renew & restart. I don't know the outcome. But I'm hopeful. I guess the reason why I chose to stay in the uni is cos I thought I could make a difference in the area of research, as it's an area that I feel I'm rather apt. I'm making an effort to try out new things, to be more adventurous. To take the risks and enjoy the life a 25 year old would.

My biggest problem is that I hate myself. I wish I could give myself the respect that some people show me. I wish I could love myself, like God would. There's so many things that I hate about myself. The worst of which is my temper - when I show my middle-finger to the fucker who's hogging the right-most lane, when I get irritated with family members and lose my cool with them, when I lose my cool during soccer. How can hate and love coincide? I guess that's the reason why I'm shunning love, cos I don't think I can handle it. Though, it is something I want at this point of time but I don't think I'm ready. But can I ever resolve my 'issues'? Should I give love a chance? We'll see...

many thoughts, little conclusions

Been thinking a lot recently. What's new? Let's pen (or digitise) some of them...

MarkG asked me a very poignant question yesterday which kinda caught me off guard - Are you happy? I thought about it for a while and we decided that I was not happy, but not unhappy. Get it? I don't know why, but been frowning more till it has become my "neutral" look, i.e. the look you see when I'm stoning or not really doing anything. To begin with, I don't think I had a friendly "neutral" look. Oh well...back to the question on happiness...I would say I live for the moments of happiness but in between, there're nothing really to look forward to or be happy about. I won't blame it solely on work but it does play a part I guess. But after MarkG asked that question, I've still been pondering it and thinking of how I can make myself happy. Maybe I should really read the book - Authentic Happiness - by Martin Seligman (those who took psych will know him as the guy who coined the term "learned helplessness"). I bought it for my thesis and read bits here and there but maybe a more thorough read is warranted. I doubt I can find happiness in a book though. I mean, if it were that simple, would we still need prozac and other anti-depressants? Would ppl still be depressed?

Talking about books, I've been reading A million little pieces, by James Frey. It's basically the story of this guy's struggle with alcohol & drugs. Some of you may have heard about the controvesy of him lying about some parts of his life but that doesn't bother me. I find his pain very real and vividly described although I do question whether he exaggerates. It also got me thinking. If you were to ask me what the world's biggest problem is, I wouldn't tell you it's War, Terrorism, AIDS, global warming, etc. I'll say it's loneliness.

I think that loneliness is a very big but under-rated problem. The fact that it may lay hidden without being discovered worsen the situation. James expressed this same loneliness that transcends being close to another woman or even sex. I see this loneliness among many teens, even though they're always hanging out with their friends. I guess you will only really know when you lie in bed before falling asleep; do you feel alone then? Do you feel lonely, like you're the only one around; that no one else is thinking of you at that very moment? I rem reading this book, Metamorphosis, after my A levels and found it disturbing. If I rem it right, it's basically this guy who lies in bed cos he has turned into a fly and is dying, which describes his alienation from everyone & everything. In retrospect, how many ppl in this world feel the same? I think it may be a bigger problem in Singapore because we're not encouraged to find ourselves first, unlike in the angmoh countries. We're introducted into the pre-fabricated system at a tender age of what, 4? And then we begin our time in the educational production line - nursery (which I didn't go for thankfully), kindergarden, pri sch, sec sch, jc, uni. Don't know what you wanna do in life? Nevermind, just study hard first, keep your options open. Bury yourself in work, studies, CCAs, work, church, whatever to escape the inevitable question of what you wanna do. Who are you? I don't know; just study first, you'll find out later. Yeah, right. Born into the system; die in it. Without ever knowing yourself. Sad. Do you know yourself? Strip away your roles - student, employee, employer, father/mother, son/daughter, brother/sister, friend - and tell me who are you? The problem with defining yourself with roles is when these roles are taken away, do you lose your identity. Do you stop being who you thought you were?

Watched Singapore Dreaming on Monday and found it quite good. At least I gained another perspective from it. Most of those who caught it found it slow-moving and a little boring, but for me, it reflected Singaporean reality pretty well. For me, it made me conscious of my "biased sample" of friends who are mostly undergraduates or graduates. Thus, I fail to see the struggles of those who don't have that "piece of paper" and the resultant inherent struggles. Just found the movie surprisingly depressing though; something virtually unheard of in local films. Interesting. I'm sure it reflects some part of reality here. A good attempt Mr W0ffles WU!

K that's all for now. Stay tuned for updates from the speck of dust.

BOSTON -Augustana

in the light of the sun, is there anyone? oh it has begun...
oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
this world you must've crossed...you said...

you don't know me, you don't even care,
you don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

essential and appealed, carry all your thoughts across
an open field,
when flowers gaze at you...they're not the only ones who cry
when they see you
you said...

you don't know me, you don't even care,
you don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

she said i think i'll go to boston...
i think i'll start a new life,
i think i'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
i'll get out of california, i'm tired of the weather,
i think i'll get a lover and fly em out to spain...
i think i'll go to boston,
i think that i'm just tired
i think i need a new tow, to leave this all behind...
i think i need a sunrise, i'm tired of the sunset,
i hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice...
boston...where no one knows my name...

Karen forced me to do this quiz!

Name 20 people you can think of at the top of your head, without reading the questions below. Tag 5 more people to do this quiz.

1. Karen
2. Kes
3. Ian
4. HD
5. Hannah
6. Charkwa
7. Mello
8. Ivan
9. Chunky
10. Tini
11. MarkC
12. Rhys
13. Alan
14. Ed
15. Shirley
16. Chunyat
17. Ahbao
18. Wati
19. Jian Ting
20. Liling

how did you meet no.14?
Let me see...I met him in CSS (Catholic Students' Society) and the first time I noticed him was when he was a Game master for this game during a combined retreat and left me sore abs the next morning. I guess that's when it started (our frenship) cos he sent me a warm fuzzy, which I didn't expect at all :)

what would you do if you never met no.1?
wow...interesting question, I think I wouldn't have a supper kaki, might never have been to Grapevine and wouldn't have gotten to know (or kiss) Owen!

what would you do if no.20 and no.9 dated?
haha...I don't know lei...but I know Chunky will treat her very well...

did you ever like no.19?

well, unless I'm gay, no, not in that way...

would no.6 and no.17 make a good couple?

enough of gay couples la...

describe no.3

he's a crazy fun-loving guy who has a soft interior and whom I can talk serious as well as crap...

do you think no.8 is attractive?

of cos la, he's a hot Indian dude!

tell me something about no.7

haha...she'll kill me if I told you what I thot of saying...go ask her yourself...say "Netto don't dare say something about you & PGP..."

do you know any of 12's family?

haha no, we're not close at all...

what's no.8's favorite?

favourite girl? Ira...

what would you do if 11 confesses that he/she likes you?

wtf? you mean you took our Gabrielite brotherly love literally? ;) oh ya, pun NOT intended with "wtf"!!!

what language does no.15 speak?

I don't know lei...I just pretend I understand...now with braces even more jialat! just kidding Ms Surely! :p

who is no.9 going out with?

Toyota Altis...(I hope I got it right!)

how old is no.16 now?

same as me... 25

when was the last time you talked to no.13?

Wednesday night on the phone...

who's no.2's favorite band/singer?

shit...he mentioned on his blog that he's listening and bought the CD of a band but I can't remember....anyway think he likes Beyond n stuff like that...retro is a definite....

would you date no.4?

why not...

would you date no.7?

why not also...(darn, I sound easy...)

is no.15 single?

yupz she is...the last time to spoke to her...

what's no. 10's last name?

hmmm I don't know lei...dont know her very well...

would you ever be in a serious relationship with no.18?

haha, maybe?

which school does no.3 go to?

NUS Sch of Med, gonna grad soon!

what's your favorite thing about no.5?

she is fun and always entertains me but also has a serious side whereby she can lead...and for sending me home that night almost 2 yrs ago when I was pissed drunk...thank you...

have you seen no.1 naked?

of cos la!

TAG FIVE PEOPLE:

1. Kes
2. Alexis
3. Charkwa
4. Mello
5. Angie

(haha, so actually only 2 ppl have to do it...)

and now for my BATTLE CRY!!!!

Zang! Who is that, skulking through the steppes! It is Nick-net-toe, hands clutching a burning branch! And with a booming grunt, his voice cometh:

"I'm going to hump you with such zeal, the Earth will spin twice as fast!"

Check out yours here.

Busy but fulfilling week

This week has been the most packed so far. At least since I started work. There was something on everyday after work and this week in work had the most deadlines I've seen so far. And I managed to settle all except two, both of which were out of my hands as they required action to be taken by others.

Monday - Went for Abeng commissioning after work.

Tuesday - Meeting in church; I guess I'm no longer a catechist but a youth council member?

Wednesday - Attended Abeng CG and must say that I've enjoyed it. Learnt quite a bit from the perspective of others, esp those of other nationalities. I think one of the girls also shared something which I will have to face one day too. Then rushed down to meet Shaun Mat, AGT & Gloria for dinner at the new Raffles City basement. Felt a bit awed, with a pilot & doctor (both have their own cars) and a NYGH sch teacher. All pocketing pay packets beyond mine too. Was nice catching up and felt kinda guilty cos the guys made me realise that I've missed every single outing they've had in the past 2/3 yrs? I promised to "do lunch" or something with them soon. I will keep this promise.

Thursday - Arts commissioning @ Holy Cross. Quite nice to see it held at mass in a church. And really glad for some of them stepping forward. Hope arts will continue to grow and reach out to more ppl in campus. Another thing worth mentioning was the student RA (research asst) training I conducted. We used the conference room and I presented sitting down. For the first time, I felt I did a good job and that I was able to address the students' questions rather professionally. I think the setting played a huge role.

Friday - Exco commissioning. Man, I feel old la. My exco was like the 55th and they were commissioning the 58th. Anyway, felt quite solemn; thought it was supposed to be a celebration thingy. Anyway, felt good to have kes, ian, chunky, HD, draggie sitting together for mass. Went to Holland V for dinner after that and had dessert at Gelare. Was good catching up and stuff. We should do this more often, and with Ina & Julia too!

Saturday - I couldn't wake up till noon! And I had to be at Nanyang Poly by 1pm! So I rushed and as usual I lost my patience with me dad who does things slowly. On a side-point, I think he's getting really old and I want to love him and be more patient. But for me, patience is more a struggle than something that comes naturally. Anyway, I haven't told anyone about this, except Alan. Today I went to receive an Academic Excellence Award given by SINDA for top Indian students. To be honest, I felt undeserving of the award, not because of my academic results but because I couldn't really speak any Indian language. Maybe in that sense I didn't feel Indian enough to receive such an honour from SINDA. Anyway, I went with an open mind and met some really nice ppl there. Once I was separated from me dad, I was ushered to my seat and immediately greeted and shook hands with the only guy seated there. *In a sense I think I've grown in this aspect. My work has made me more social and ept at networking* I felt comfortable talking to this guy, and when another came along, I also greeted him and brought him into the conversation so he wouldn't be left out. All in all, it was good. There was another person who impressed me - "mini-stir" for M@npower, dr NG E.H. He came across as a very nice guy who's not presumptuous or pretentious. I kinda liked him in fact. When I collected my prize on stage, he actually asked me what I was doing now and it was definitely longer than the normal "congratulations" that guests-of-honour say. In fact, he did this for many of the award recipients. After the ceremony, he stayed around to mingle and talk to some of us as well. I guess I didn't create a fantastic impression cos he asked me the same question 3 times - "So what are you doing now?" *Man, I gotta work on my first impressions* Anyway, he mingled for much longer than I know most "mini-stirs" do and my dad and I left before he did.
Had dinner with mum & sis later in the evening and sent chicken wings and a painting to someone, so felt good to bring some cheer to others.

Anyway, on a side-note, work is getting better cos I'm being more open. I guess we all have to "start at the bottom of the food chain" (quoted from dr NG E.H. today). He's right. One day I'll be somebody. Today I'll learn to be fine with being a nobody. But nobody had a good week. And sometimes, that's good enough.

Joakim still sucks; the small things

I can't stand him la. And somehow it seems that the judges are giving up criticising his singing. His singing, in my opinion, is still the freaking worst in the competition. He said "Just bring it!" I hope his family and stupid fans have enough to buy his CD when he releases one. I mean, who knows, he might even go Platinum! All through the efforts of stupidity! woohoo!

Anyway, today was a crap day. I think it's really the small nice gestures of friends that make my day. Thanks to those who dropped by and brought stuff. Really appreciate it. God bless ya.

Still (un)decided

Sianz. After a few weeks, I'm still undecided about what to do. The good thing is that I've been speaking to several lecturers and been hearing their (very) varied opinions. Will come up with a decision in 2 weeks when my Head comes back. Till then, I think I need to get the opinions of some neutral ppl. But how to find neutral ppl?

Anyway, my new PC came today and man I must say that it's freaking fast compared to the crap-thing I had just a few hours ago. Thank goodness a lady from Comp Centre managed to help me transfer the data over, otherwise I'll be looking at the new comp, but using the old.

Man, I had so much to blog about but now no feeling liaoz~

Oh ya, Saturday was good cos though my class wasn't "S'pore Idol" material, I was so happy to see them there. I mean I was so scared some of them would just not come. But in the end, most of those who had been practising came. And it was heartening to see the class (or at least half of them) bonding. Now for the other half.

K, more next time. No mood liaoz.

A tiring week (am I weak?)

It's been a tiring week. And I don't know whether the reason is that I'm weak physically. I mean, I've been falling sick quite a few weekends, esp those when I have to juggle both work & church almost consecutively. Yesterday, we brought our teens to Villa Francis Home for the Aged @ Mandai Estate. After which, I had this terrible headache and caused me to sleep from about 8pm last night to 10am this morning, after downing 2 paracetomol pills. I feel much better now. Going over to a neighbour's place for his firstborn's 1st month anniversary! The heading down to a lecturer's place for some celebrations too!

Anyway, remember I told you guys about a decision that I have to make? Well, more discussions with some ppl in the department and two social work professionals have thrown everything up in shreds again. Back to the drawing board again I guess. This is frustrating. I feel the urge to make a hasty decision but my rational side knows better. Will take this entire week to think through this carefully again. Don't want any regrets. Think I may have made one already.

About the Villa Francis visit, I think it was a wonderful experience. I realised the importance of a recce. Really appreciated the company there on Wed, esp since otherwise would have meant a lonely trip by public transport to the ulu place and an equally lonely trek up that hill. Thank you lex! :) The visit there yesterday was good cos not only did I feel I did something out of my comfort zone but I think the trip benefitted the teens quite a bit. Well, I can't say it helped all the teens but I think most of the teens "gained a new perspective" (the exact words of one teen) and that it opened their eyes to a part of Singapore that our government is so quick to sweep up into homes for the destitute. Not that it's a bad thing. Just look at America and you will realise that our country is lucky enough to be small and have a small (yet substantial) proportion of destitute people. I guess the young can be quite sheltered from the marginalised and forgotten in society especially since (I found out) that CIP nowadays can involve merely making and selling of gifts/food to raise funds for charity. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against this but this also means they do not have direct contact with the needy. Back in my time, although there wasn't CIP, we still had trips to an Old Age Home and I felt that the exposure was important. Back to the trip yesterday, I think that the teens was exposed to the conditions of an old age home. Ironically, I felt that it was definitely one of the homes in better condition and with better facilities/equipment. Also, how the nurses handled the resident was also appalling to some; to me this just highlighted the need for more staff in the social services sector and the congruent need for policies to address such rigidities as the RAF which dictates how much staff is sufficient in handling a set number of residents. There is much to do and improve. I guess for me what struck me was how loving some of the teens are; we have so much to learn from them. When we did a head count on the bus (going back to church already), we realised one of the girls in my class was missing. I was surprisingly calm as I headed back to the multi-purpose hall. I scanned the area and spotted someone stooped down and patiently feeding an elderly resident. It brought a smile to my face. As I approached her, she saw me and asked, "Is everyone waiting for me?" I just replied, "It doesn't matter. Take your time." That really made my day. I hope you guys have a similar incident to speak of. If not, make it happen guys. Make it happen. :)

Share

Just wanted to share this essay with you guys. It's pretty short (~ 500 words) but I don't know why but it really stirred up emotions in me. Enjoy. Some of you might not agree though.

Emigration Essay

CLICK*

I watched Click with Karen just now and I must say it's a fantastic movie. Gonna get the DVD. To be honest, I just expected to laugh and didn't expect any serious undertones to it but tears welled up in my eyes more than once and I even cried once. heh. I guess two words come to mind which I feel can summarise the movie - priorities & regrets. What is your priority in life? Is it work, family, friends, church, God, studies, whatever. In a sense it's a zero sum game cos when you spend time on one, you'll have to sacrifice time for another and it's unlikely that you can "expand the pie". So what is my priority in life? For now, it's indeed my family. I guess Click has helped me to decide on what I'm gonna do next. It's really amazing how a movie, yes a movie, can help me make this decision. For some of you, I've made know the dilemma that I was facing in deciding on my long-term goals in terms of career and certain decisions had to be made soon regarding the possibility of remaining in the uni, finding another job and/or furthering my studies either locally or abroad, of which the latter also required me to think of when and how I was gonna do so. The permutations were innumerable and I was just lost. Now, I kinda have decided on something but I'll be open and mull over it for the next week. Basically, it's safe to say that I'll be in Singapore for a long time more.

Anyway, for those who have not watched Click right, better go watch. Think it's good. I recommend!

Coldplay / Travis Concert

I heard Travis' Sing just now on the radio and it naturally reminded me of the only concert that I've been to - the Coldplay / Travis concert @ the Singapore Indoor Stadium in 2000(?)

I guess for me what I was reminded of, besides the wise words of Travis' lead singer, were two people.

The first is my NJ junior. She was my angel in that game during my jc days but besides that, there was hardly any interaction. I bumped into her after the concert, we exchanged phone numbers and that just ignited our friendship. And I guess she would my 1st official late night supper kaki. How time flies. Next yr, she'll be getting married. I wonder what happens to a friendship after one gets married. I'll find out soon...

The second person is someone who I've been thinking about recently. She's also my NJ junior and we, together with 3 others, went for the concert together. We kept in contact for a few yrs after she left but since the demise of icq, I've had no way to keep in touch. You see, she's in Canada now. I remember that early morning when I sent her off at the airport. I remember wanting to hug her there at the airport but not doing so cos I knew I would cry. I remember the bus ride back to camp. And then sitting down at my locker and just breaking down crying. I guess I knew today was gonna come. She was someone special to me. I hope to find her somehow but it's difficult to track down a globe-trekker who has no roots in Singapore; she's Malaysian btw. I look forward to the day we meet again. I'm sure we will.

Sing -Travis

Singapore Idol (Not)

I've been watching the past few episodes of S'pore Idol and I swear it's getting freaking irritating. I mean how can 3 of the best singers be among the bottom 4. Are S'pore teens idiots or what? Blindly supporting their stupid - I wouldn't even call them idols - fav singers like Jasmine who can't bloody sing. Maybe Singapore has run out of singers. No lei, I know a few ppl who can sing, really well too. Just the other day we went to Hard Rock Cafe and the guy there was better than most of the finalists too. Man, this is a bloody waste of time seriously. wtf.

I'll post about something more impt soon. Probably need some advice so do stay tuned. At least here you know you won't get "spore idol-proportion surprises".

One Way Jesus

I lay my life down at your feet
You're the only one i need
I turn to you and you are always there

In troubled times it's you i seek
I put you first that's all i need
I humble all i am, All to you

One way
Jesus
You're the only one that i could live for
One Way
Jesus
You're the only one that i could live for

You are always, always there
Every how and everywhere
Your grace abounds so deeply within me

You will never ever change
Yesterday today the same
Forever till forever meets no end

One way
Jesus
You're the only one that i could live for
One Way
Jesus
You're the only one that i could live for

You are the way the truth and the light
We live by faith and not by sight ... for you
We're living all for you

This is the song that my cat class is supposed to perform for our Talent Time on the 26th of August. *sigh*

Listening to this song just makes me sad, or rather hypocritical. I don't think anyone except my parents/sis knows this but I haven't attended mass for more than a month. Just don't feel like going. Somehow I either feel too tired or just can't bring myself to go. Why eh, I also don't know. It's ironic that I'm in church every week still for cat class, but not for mass. Maybe, just maybe I'll go tomorrow. Anyway, I'm supposed to attend mass with the Nellers on Sun. Supposed.

On a lighter note, work is getting better I guess. Officially completed a month of work. Will have to think of long-term plan soon. Soon.

Work thus far...(special feature - I'm in love)

I've been working for the past 2 weeks and there're so many thots in me head. There're some aspects which I like but also some others which I simply detest. For one, I can't ask for a better boss or colleagues...been getting lunch/dinner treats n all, esp since they know we've not earned a dime yet. Also, sharing a nice office with someone else, is also very nice. Just ask those who have been there. Plus, my office-mate is so nice, she bought flowers for my vase; plus I have a supply of chocs in case I get too down. Been showered with gifts too...for grad & for the overseas trips of my lecturers, mainly Dr NGT. Working hrs are flexible which is supposed to be a good thing, but I realised is a VERY bad thing in my case. Another good thing is that I've been meeting up with ppl from various agencies - prisons, saca, sana, ntu, moh, etc. Get to know a lot of ppl and also to be involved in endless meetings. I've conducted two training workshops for student researchers already and got to know some of them. All in all, quite a hectic schedule.

Things I don't like at all. First, the main thing is that I feel like a freaking secretary; no wonder ppl ask me why I'm wasting my time in NUS. Second, the flexible working hrs is bad for me cos I get into office ard 730am every morn (cos I hitch a ride from dad) and I end work at 7pm (earliest). For the past few nights, it has been much later. The problem is that my boss only comes in around noon (usu after), so he stays in office until damn late. Doesnt seem nice for me to leave earlier. But i think I will start doing that soon; it's only fair I say. Third, I've been required to work on Sat as well and it's affecting my church work which I kinda resolved to put more effort into after I leave NUS (as a student). Decided to leave early today to join them for combined class. Think if I have to, I will tell my boss that I can't work on Sat if it means the timing keeps clashing. But i talk big, like I dare to tell him. But don't think it will be the case. If I have to sum up my experience now, it'll be - ain't lovin' it. Sad to say but it's not what I expected. Maybe I need more time. Wati told me things tend to start slow. Well, it better change la, if not then...maybe it's time to let go of this. I think at the crux of the matter is what I want long-term. If it is to be an academic right, then I guess I should stick on, but only if it serves my interest. After all, my boss has his agenda, which might not fit in with mine. Oh well, we'll see how it goes. Just gotta ride it out. Ride it out.

Oh ya the bit that got you reading...I'm in love! With Sony Ericsson W850! Oh man, I wanna buy it when it comes out! Check it out!

Commencement 2006

A picture paints a thousand words (it also means I don't have to type much...)


My family and I at commencement...been a long time since all 4 of us were out tog...


haha...you all know I'm working liaoz right...here's a pic of my boss...Dr TIm sIm...


one of my best frens in social work...ahbao...(I realise I dont have one of CY...will post his soon)


One of the guys I respect the most in social work...Fareez...a guy who's hardworking & has a lot of heart...


Wati, Liling & Jianting...with their softtoys...


say, say, say!!! the prettiest gal in sw...or at least I think so...


IMH ppl!!


Xinhui & her kid...so cute right she? :D

And how can the pics be complete without CSS ppl??

Alph, karen & angie!!


The same grp with markli, piglet & nat!


Ms @lex1s K0h, we were trying to form 'S' & 'W' but we couldnt form an 'S'...guess it reflects how social work does more work than social stuff...heh


My Udon facil...Aaron!

haha and a not too glam shot of me n brenda!


Me and piglet holding up the hands of her stuffed...err....lion...err...


And my gd fren...Chen Chin K@ng

More pics when I get them! Thank you all for being a part of commencement 2006....means a lot to me...finally...sch life is officially over...after 18 yrs...

Bachelor of Social Sciences, 1st Class Honours in Social Work
Singapore Association of Social Workers' Gold Medal

Thank you God, I lift it all up to you.

Egypt Trip

Inspired by Karen’s post…I’ve decided to do one of my own…a post about my Egypt trip from my perspective using photos taken by myself as well as my wonderful travel companions (mainly kes cos he’s the only one who’s uploaded the pics!)…

Well…it all started off at Changi Airport but it wasn’t too good a beginning cos I was having a really terrible headache, most probably due to my participation in the CSS Games Day…and I had to hide it from my mum to prevent her from worrying too much…to make things worse, Liverpool was trailing 3-2 thanks to that fluke of a goal by West Ham…thankfully pool won in the end so it wasn’t too bad…here we are at the very beginning of our trip…

I must say that the plane ride was pretty exciting especially since the last time I took a plane was ten years ago…Emirates is pretty good I must say…anyway we had a transit at Dubai first and we decided to hire our own cab to bring us around! I was pretty excited cos I’ve always wanted to see “The Sail”. So we got a cab (more like mini-bus though) to bring us around. And we realized that the driver was also Catholic; I mean how cool is that – meeting a cab driver who’s Catholic in a Middle-eastern country. Heh! Among the many things that we saw were mosques (I still don’t know why but most of them had two towers; Singapore ones tend to have one main dome only), the King’s palace, inclusive of his harem of peacocks, Ski Dubai which is like an indoor ski resort (wasn’t open yet though), Emirate Towers and of cos “The Sail”! Here’s a pic with me and the world’s first 7-star hotel!

To be honest, although the hotel was nice, it definitely wasn’t as impressive as I had seen on tv. I still loved the moment though and in the next pic, you can see me frolicking (if this word is suitable) in the Seas of the Arabia Gulf! The water was fantastic and there’s always something great about soaking in the sea, albeit just the legs. We then went on to have lunch at 9+am. I can’t remember what we ate but I know I liked it. I felt that it was super worth it la, like we toured another country as part of our trip. Dubai’s a land of construction and if the master plan that they have materializes right, it’ll really be an exciting city. Now, off to Egypt! The “sheesh-ta-ool” on the plane was great (it’s something like lamb rolls).

The first day (or rather evening) in Egypt didn’t get off to a very good start. I was irritated with the sudden change of plans – change of hotel from the Pharaoh Hotel to Cleopatra Hotel. It was also a culture shock to see armed policemen outside our hotel carrying weapons ranging from AKs to MP5s and other weapons which I did not learn about in counter-strike. Anyway, the hotel was kinda small but I was cool with it. The lift didn’t work too well and had to be operated by the staff; the corridors outside our room bore a uncanny resemblance to that of a scene I had seen in Munich, the movie. The part of the room that I liked was his window thingy which allowed us to actually go outside the room and take in this view of downtown Cairo.

Here you can see the nicest view of our bedroom

The view of downtown Cairo from Cleopatra Hotel

We walked around town at night to just explore and grab some food. Managed to get some good cheap stuff (to me good stuff = meat, the more the better). There was this guy who started chatting with nan and me also. Quite weird. I guess it’s something I cannot figure about Egyptians – whether they’re being genuinely nice or they’re trying their freaking best to rip you off. In the words of kes, sometimes when they see us, all they see is a dollar sign. At first, it was just a chat but later I started feeling weird when he asked for our numbers and all, so we kinda ignored him and walked faster.

The first official day of our Egypt trip and we were introduced to big fellow (a picture later) in which we were to travel for the 1^st week of our trip. Wasn’t really what I expected but I grew to like that vehicle. Anyway, the first day was mainly the pyramids and the Sphinx. It was also the day I got conned. We traveled on Big Fellow to the pyramids…as with the Sail, it wasn’t as grand from up close but only when u’re up close can you appreciate the immensity of these structures or rather tombs that had been built so many years ago, without the technology that now exists to help us in such mammoth tasks! Check out these pics…

Nan and I in front of one of the pyramids…can you see the Tourism Policeman in white uniform?

Me sitting on one block of the pyramid. Can you imagine how freaking big the pyramids are?

Besides the huge pyramids are little pathetic tombs for the wives of the Kings…most of them were in poor condition and probably reflected the relationship between the King and his wives as well…there was this burial site of a ship though…use the camels to gauge the size!

We traveled further on to the site of the famous Sphinx…I was told that it was being “renovated” so there would be scaffolding on it but it wasn’t as bad as I had anticipated. Felt that the Sphinx needed a nose job though; shouldn’t it be easy in this day and age? ;)

We headed down to the Perfume Museum where I bought 3 bottles for myself and my parents…think that’s the most expensive stuff I got on the trip man…it was also around the area that we had our first taste of Egyptian tea which is served without milk but with mint leaves which you add in…after which we headed down to the Papyrus Museum.

You can see the guy in the pic holding a Papyrus (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Papyrus) plant at the museum. Basically they used that to make paper and they even taught us how to distinguish real from fake papyrus…apparently it also cannot be torn easily. I loved the painting behind the guide but then it was too expensive.

This painting is some sort of a judgment day whereby the king faces the 12 gods and 6 of them hold the key of life whereas the other 6 do not. Darn, I can’t remember anything else…you guys can ask our unofficial guide – nan. He should remember.

Anyway, the first night was spent out in the Black Desert. If I’m not wrong, it’s name is due to the iron ore that forms the black that covers much of the sand.

We camped out in the Black desert and I must say that the sunset was unforgettable. I just loved it and at that moment, everything seemed worth the trip and all my grumpiness at things that didn’t turn out as planned melted away. However, I didn’t take any pics; they wouldn’t have done it justice anyway. We had to cook our own food and I must say that the food was good even though the portions were small…here’s a pic of kes whipping up some whipped potato…

I still remember that first night in the black desert…the cold wind, the sand that kept going into my mouth and I just felt so uncomfortable…I woke up frozen and just couldn’t move, save for the incessant chattering of my teeth. It took me some time before I could get up and when walking around and moving couldn’t generate enough heat for my body.

It got better during breakfast when I held a hot cup of Milo to my hand…we passed by an oasis town later in the day and walked around…here are some pictures I took…

Here’s us walking as a section through the oasis town…notice the kids on the left…many of them pestered us for pens and I gave away one…if we had more we would have given it to them…these kids were nice though…unlike those we were to see later…

I like this pic cos of the details of the spider-web that can be seen…somehow I think that the web is thicker than normal…must be a pretty big spider…thankfully it wasn’t home…

A “panoramic shot” of the Oasis town…

The White Desert was beautiful to say the least and I will end off the post here cos I really don’t see an end in sight! Enjoy the next few photos and look forward to the continuation of this epic effort to photo-blog about my Egypt experience!

There’re a lot of these white structures that are amazingly created by nature…just look at its size compared to all of us!

And I rem this pic when kes ran towards the structure and said that it was bread…hilarious…

I know it sounds unbelievable but we climbed to the top of this white “snowy” mountain!

And this was the view from the top! Check out the Kumuka truck that we were on looking like a toy…

I’m sure all those of you who have my msn has seen my favourite pic…now here’s the funny version…the best part is that when this pic was taken…I had NO idea that kes was behind me!

Last but not least, I like this picture that was taken after our swim in the cold spring – the water was cold and the surface was super slimy la! There’re just so many nice layers…the sand, the greenery, the sky, which itself seems to be a continuum of colour from near white (nearer to the horizon) and darker blue as it reaches higher up. So much colour in the desert!

To be continued…

NUS CSS FOC 2006 - Acts 29

FOC ended yest with a fantastic finale at Sentosa. Must say that it has been a fantastic experience and I'm really glad I went, committed myself to it and made that the final event as a CSS member. Although I'll still be ard NUS for some time, I think as a student, FOC was the encore. I must admit that on the first day, I did get the sense that I was a little out of it. I felt I was old & that I couldnt keep up. I was wondering whether I had made a mistake. You know, I had been looking forward to this last FOC for some time now, and initially I was a little disappointed when I realised that kes, nan, val & many others in my batch wouldnt be attended full-time. Thank goodness for markli! You've been a great companion throughout dude! :) Anyway, for me right, the turning point was the second day. I think the ice between me & the freshies broke when they drew on my head. It's the 1st time since I had this 'hairdo' that anyone has done that...and the games that ensued, esp the Geisha game whereby piglet painted my head with powder & lipstick that I really felt in it. I think that many times we just have to give of ourselves totally if we wanna feel 'part of it' and tt's just what I did. There're so many memories man. Piglet was hilarious throughout la - be it from dodging waterbombs in a crouching defensive position to saying that she "used to be left-handed" when markli said left-handed people are smart. Then all the Udon (tt's my group name) cheers that we came up with, to the super energetic freshies that we got; man they really had "balls of enthusiaism" man! I really think that I can see & feel the generation gap bet me & the freshies. Must say that the freshies have lotsa initiative also man. I'm sure they've enjoyed themselves and I just feel so happy! I'm so glad to have known them - jared, johan, kelvin, sam, emmi & mallery - as well as others like Ben (aka hardgay), Jeremy (aka Geisha Chan), Nicole & Grace (the girls who broke their door lock on the 1st day) and Teresa (the only sane teresa thus far :p). Think I got to know some seniors better also - piglet, aaron, brenda, paul, benny, ivan, daniel, nat. Must say that I was particularly impressed with Aaron, in how he looked after the freshies, led as well as prayed. I'm sure he's gonna be big in CSS. And the seniors who have been with me in NUS & CSS - thank you all so much. The last day started off rather gloomy and it even started to rain; how it ended - with 2 wonderful, beautiful rainbows in the sky - was really an affirmation of God's presence and I could see it, feel it during Steph's prayer...it was so powerful. I would say it's one of the best prayers I've heard in CSS. And so ends a chapter in my life.
You know, last yr, Alan told me those words I still rem so clearly, when I felt that I was not needed at FOC - that we're all dispensible and that my time in CSS has ended. I was kinda hurt then. But not this yr...I see it as a transition. And as they say in chinese - chang jiang hou lang, tui qian lang. There'll always be new blood to take over the old, esp to be God's instruments. Thank you God and everyone who has been a part of my life in CSS. I love you all.

St. @nne's concamp '06

Just came back from concamp and I must say I'm totally drained physically, despite already taking a rather long nap. I'm still trying to figure out whether this yr's one or last yr's one is better but I guess you can't really compare God's work cos they're both special in their own ways. I think that having a personal stake in last yr's concamp - my cat class & my sis - might have heightened the subjectively evaluated "good" for last yr's concamp. Guess what Mervyn said in Chris' car struck me cos he shared that he felt this yr's camp was better. At the end of the day, I'm just glad that God blessed us with, in Bridget's words, such a wonderful combination: YACs, teens n all of us. I felt that the logistics and lots of the discipline and stuff was lacking, due mainly to the lack of my leadership ability in handling such a "big" camp. I really feel that if we had other teens, we might not have been able to pull it through. I've also learnt that I'm more of a follower and can't really lead. Don't think I will take up such huge responsibilities in the near future.
Anyhow, I'm just glad to be there to serve the teens. Got to know some of them and especially those who seem noisy and naughty were actually very nice and I've even added some of them to msn. Some of the things said or tt happened during the camp warrant mention here so that I will never forget them. First, there is Anna who realised her purpose in the camp, just as I did during FOC 2 yrs ago when I was kinda not really "in it", if you know what I mean. Of cos, there's Cherlyn who despite her age and lack of "experience", showed such maturity and wisdom during our praying over session that I just knew it was guided by the Holy Spirit. She was amazing. Then there's a teen who asked who came up with the HELP letter idea because his dad had not spoken to him in 2 yrs before that letter. And Richard pointed out someone who needed a little support and I just went over during the session and put my arm around him and just sat there beside him. I think there're so many wonderful things that happened during the camp and it not only benefitted the teens but all of us adult & youth facils as well. I just wanna thank you God, from the bottom of my heart for this experience for all of us. Thank you.

Grad Trip - Egypt 2006

I'm finally back for those who didn't know. It's amazing how 18 days have passed and I've done so many things that the first day seemed to be so distant. I hesitated to blog about it cos I don't think I rem everything and to be honest, I'm feeling really lazy. So instead of giving all the details, I'll just recount some highlights:

• seeing "The Sail" in Dubai (though it wasn't as impressive as I expected)
• Seeing the pyramids (not as impressive as in postcards or documentaries), remples and other historical sites (e.g. Cairo Museum - King Tut's tomb is impressive!)
  
• Camping out in the Black Desert (including watching the beautiful sunset & waking up frozen)
• Camping out in the White Desert (seeing all the sand formations and shitting in the desert)
• Playing Cricket in the desert (I feel like picking up the sport! *thank you aussies & kiwis!)
• Swimming in a cold spring (though the floor was super slimy!)
• Swimming among jellyfish in the freezing Red Sea!
• Snorkeling in the Red Sea (a big acheivement considering I was clinging onto the freaking ladder on the ship when I started out...)
• Cheonging at Ministry of Sound @Red Sea
• Surviving 2 days on a Felucca - something like a sailboat - which sailed along the River Nile (waded in the water but did not swim for fear of getting the virus spread by the water snails!)

Wow...that sounds like quite a bit already right? Plus the company...you guys have been wonderful. Thanks for being patient & understanding especially when I was grumpy or being difficult. Must say that I enjoyed myself. If there is one thing I must say about Egypt, it's that it is a land of extremes. The weather - can be super hot & then super cold (especially in the desert); the people - some are nice but there are many a**holes who pissed the hell out of me cos they cheated us, harrassed us, keep asking us for baktish (spelling?) which is basically tips. It was so bad that I actually fantasized about tripping this kid who was like a freaking leech. The flies is another thing I will not miss about Egypt - wah lau eh...they fly all over u lor! I guess the best part of Egypt I loved is Hurghada which is the most 'touristy' city and also the cleanest I guess. The memories of the Red Sea & MOS served to make it the best city in my opinion. The historical sites didn't hold much interest after the first few, although our aspiring Archaelogist, Mr KTTH was excited with every "tem-bull" as the guides pronounce "temple". Overall, I must say that this holiday is one that I will always rem. It has pushed me so that I know I can survive a little rough & tough. The company made it great. Egypt is a great country, though many things did irk me (mostly the group of *ucked up ppl). I have struck Egypt off as a country I have visited and I doubt I will be back. But thank you all the nice ppl, places, nan, kes, char, jacy & ben for a memorable holiday :) will be starting work in July. Before that, there's Concamp & FOC to look forward to. Here's to the last month of freedom. God bless one and all.

Bangkok & soon-to-be Egypt

I havent been in the mood to blog. Although life has been beautiful. This week however, things seem to make me feel down, but as always there are ppl to bring me up :D

I liked the Bangkok trip a lot. I don't think I got to buy as much things as I thought I would but then the company was excellent. I also liked learning more about a culture, about the ppl, n just being in another country. I rem something tt struck me quite a bit. Actually it's a comment from Aaron when we came back. He said, "Don't you find it funny going there with 2 couples?" Actually he had a point cos I have never liked being in the midst of couples but I realised that this trip I had successfully mingled! I think it helps who the ppl are and I'm glad all of them were so nice...we looked after each other, which was great. There're a few pics tt I particularly liked but I'm too lazy to post them here...maybe soon...anyway, I realised during the trip that I can be dangerous when I'm alone. Dangerous in the sense that I think too much for my own good. I don't know why but I seem to have an ingrained thinking mechanism that kicks in when I'm alone & can't sleep. The first night wasn't too bad cos I could talk a bit till I sleep. I guess it's also a little like what Brian said about msn...tt sometimes you just wanna logon not to chat, but just to know that there are ppl ard you. Maybe it was the same. It's kinda different sleeping alone la. But it was ok. I mean I have my own room at home so...

I don't know why but I feel sad everytime I listen to the mp3s that I have. Must admit that my collection is limited after my last laptop crashed...so I only managed to d/l a few. All the songs however just make me feel sad when I listen to them. Now is no exception.

Had a social work gathering last night and before that, I had a great time with bao & yat, shopping for Dr Rowlands' present. The whole day was good and it just made me feel happy at the moments, & then (as usu) a little sad as it offically marks the end. The end of this small fellowship of soical work honours students. I guess I don't miss the lecturers cos I'll be back there soon, if things work out ok.

Prep for the egypt trip has been nothing less than hectic and I'm really really broke. In fact, I now have to take a loan, albeit interest-free and probably a loan I do not have to re-pay even if I wanted to. Kudos to Bentoh & Jacq who helped us source for excellent sleeping bags and also accompanied me to buy my windbreaker, track pants & long-sleeve tee. Bentoh has the same taste as me man! Cool! haha...n tt also marks another being comfortable with couples occassion.

Actually there're so many thoughts swarming in my head that I don't want to hear any of it. There's some that're eating into me. Eating away so much I feel that I'm dissolving like an egg shell in hydrochloric acid (rem the sci expt in sec sch??). You know sometimes I really wonder, and I struggle. Sometimes I struggle with my feelings towards myself. Why? why? I rem learning in social geron this sem that one has to differentiate him/herself from their roles. This is impt so that when certain roles are taken away, tt person can still function, won't feel lost. Example is that if a man defines himself through his work, then when he retires, he will feel a loss. And if the loss is extreme, he will not be able to get over it. Sometimes I wonder when I strip away all my roles - son, brother, friend, catechist, social work student, Liverpool fan - then what will be left? The worse part is that sometimes I feel as if when all these are stripped away, I am nothing. I'm just a blur. Just a drop of mediocrity in the vastness of emptiness. haha I guess at times like this, my url name is pretty apt huh?

Anyhow, I'm looking forward to Egypt with somewhat guarded optimism. I will be open and enjoy it. For one, I know the company will be the best I can ask for. Countdown...2 days...