The Beach

how apt a post for this blog ya? ;) and no, I'm not talking about the dog.

In the movie, these group of people believe they have found paradise but what lies beneath this immaculate beach with powder-white sand and crystal clear waters is the attempt to sweep any unhappiness under the rug as is evident when Christo who had been attacked by a shark was left alone in the forest to fend for himself. "it was too much for everyone to take" and "out of sight, out of mind" were some of the disturbing lines that encapsulated the facade behind "paradise". Only Essesien (spelling?) even bothered to voice it out but eventually gave in to the group norm. Can a utopia exist on this earth? I doubt it. The peace, tranquility and beauty of people and places are but facades which reveal its true repulsive center only when its interiors are peeled away layer by layer. It's just how long you take to discover it. And when you do, whether you're gonna choose to ignore it to maintain your "utopia" or whether you choose to accept that utopia does not exist. Not in this world at least.

Busy & Tired

I guess these 2 adjectives would describe my week and how I've been.

There's good in it too of cos as always. It's a matter of whether you see it or not. Saturday was the worst. Woke up early to go to sch to help out with the social work booth for NUS open house. It was real fun. I guess having such wonderful & dynamic ppl in social work really helps. No offense but can really see the contrast between the psych ppl who were blatantly blocking us. No wonder come 1st July, the Department of Social Work would have become an independent department. :) But I guess having all us dynamic and vibrant social work students helps to make up for the lack of interest shown by the in-coming batch in social work. I mean this in relative terms, especially when compared to psych; psych automatically draws ppl in, we have to draw ppl to our booths. Anyway, it was fun and sharing my personal experience of social work, my placement, what sw means to me, future prospects etc is really fun. Even met this guy who knows my bro and is already certain that social work is what he wants to do. For the rest, I just hope I planted the seed, that they will at least take social work as an elective and as I did, learn to love it :)
Rushed to Church, then rushed to St Berns. Quite interesting church and as usu the ppl there are usu either too young (ie sec sch) or too old. Noticed something too. I noticed how this ang mo guy looked after his kids. He let his 3/4 yr old son (the older) play in the rain/drizzle and instead of pacifiying his younger child, he let it cry it out. The only prob is that it didnt stop crying! just realised how diff an Asian father would have handled the situation. Am pretty sure of that!
Sunday was also busy but I decided to leave early lah cos was starting to feel more n more sianz. So here I am. I hope to get more rest this week and tomolo will be time spent with Family :)
ciao~

"Dusty" & EPL heartbreak

Hey all,

as you guys already can see, our family just got a puppy. SHE is a Cocker Spaniel and for now she is called "Dusty". I know, I'm thinking twice about the name now but then we all just felt it really suited her! It's like she kinda looks dusty and she keeps exploring all the corners of the house which are dusty and gets real dusty in the process! Then when we put her in the box to sleep, she crept out and slept on the dusty fan instead. She looks kinda sad huh? Cos she was just separated from her mum today but don't worry she's better now. Began exploring and stuff and playing ard a little. But I'm gonna miss her when I go for my retreat from mon-wed man. :(

Anyway, tonight was the most exciting EPL night of the season! Relegation battles are always full of determination, grit followed by inevitable heartbreak and tears. Tonight was no exception but for the first time in EPL history, 3 teams were all relegated only on the last day. Norwich started the day with the advantage but it swung to Southamtom's side when they took the lead against Manyoo and Fulham scored. Then after Manyoo equalised Southamtom's lead hung by a thread. True to the drama expected of a night like this, Manyoo took the lead against the Saints and the Baggies (West Bromich) took the lead against Portsmouth. Then Crystal Palace who were losing against Charlton scored twice to steer ahead of the Baggies b4 Charlton equalised to condemn Crystal Palace to life in the 1st Division. Felt that the Saints had the hardest opponents whereas the Baggies had the easiest. Oh well, they'll live to fight another day. But for today, they should lift their heads up high for they gave a good fight (except Norwich ;)

Presenting the latest member of my family...

:) :) :)

work work work but I lift it up to You

I don't rem a single day that I have had time to spend for myself. Last few hols, I will always make time to spend with me mum but this hols I have yet to spend any time with her save for one short lunch. I've been busy, every min, every day. Not that I want to complain. A lot of it has its moments of joy. Hanging out with Jon n philosophical (though I admit sometimes irritating) greg has been fun & interesting. Been talking on the phone too and it's refreshing. I'm learning to let go. I'm learning to trust. I still bitch a lot though...about Church IC whom I feel are not committed. But of cos, there're some who impress me too. Running ard from Church to Church. From one activity of outreach to another of catechism. Class went rather better than expected today. Realise that you have to bring the enthusiasiam of the class. Cos was afraid tt the class wouldnt take too kindly to having to move ard church (1) blind, (2) without arms, or (3) on 1 leg. heh but they did anyway (well not all but at least they did the activity). The purpose was to show the need for community, to complement each other and to achieve more. Tt combined with Acts 2:38-47 & 1Corin12 (many parts, one body) hopefully did the job. Kinda bonded with them too. After tt had a great dinner with Alan, Ed, Carol & Jeff...great company. Just glad that we managed to talk about certain stuff too tt was bothering some of us. heh. anyway the work is tough, tiring and taxing but He gives us strength. Alleluia.

The Imperfect Me

I wanted to go sch early this morn to watch The Simpsons in the lib but couldn't wake up so went to sch just in time to meet Dr Ng. She's really very nice and doesn't heap all the work onto me (unlike some other lecturer). Anyway, there's a lot of work to be done but I spent most of the time since I came home doing it till now. Now it's mainly the filing and other paper work that has to be done. I'm a Editorial Assistant Extraordinaire!

Anyway, I'm a perfectionist. I hate it sometimes but I don't want ANYthing to go wrong and I hate it when people doing the same proj/activity/event as me cannot or is not willing to put in the amount of effort that I'm putting in. I expect 100% all the time otherwise f*** off! I know this is a problem and I want to change but I can't. Things must go well, if not at least show me (for myself esp) that you have done your best. Nothing less.

Anyway, maybe my perfectionist streak is a form of reaction-formation. I seriously think that it is very likely. There are so many things about myself that I want to change and so many others that I hate. I just feel so inadequate and and I'm not good enough to do this, achieve this, to be with this person (my fav phrase: pei bu shang), to be a good social worker/friend/family member...whatever. It just sickens me to the core to feel like this but I just do. No freaking amounts of As or successes in specific areas seem to be able to lift my S.E. HA!~ and to think that some ppl think that I'm confident and have a big ego. oh well. I think I have three layers. 1st layer: the confident and self-assured guy. Ppl (esp those who don't really know me in sw) get impressed and know me as the "smart guy". Those who know me much better see the 2nd layer: the anxious and perfectionist streak in me. They would include the CSS ppl and my sw proj grp mates etc. They know that I'm not perfect, they see my flaws and faults but they also know that I can be nice and that I can be fun & serious at diff times. The 3rd layer: the bastard in me, the emotional vulnerable me...the me that bleeds but cannot heal. The me that hates and plots vengence...the Me that I wish would just die but still remains. The me seldom people see.
I just feel imperfect. I know all of us are but some are more imperfect than others and tt's me.

Morality

Was talking to Jon today and now thoughts are swarming in my head.

Basically, the thing that struck n is stuck with me is if you do NOT commit evil because you do not want to go to hell or want to avoid wrong-doing, isn't it a selfish act. I feel that why we do not do evil acts is usually cos of our principles and values in which we have been socialised into from birth. Thus, in a sense it is not selfish cos tt's the way we have been taught. But then, the fundamental basis for these principles/values are to avoid wrong-doing and if you're Christian, to avoid eternal damnation. So isn't the very basis for this selfish?
An example to illustrate: If you were forced to either (1) choose 3 out of 10 ppl to be shot dead to survive 7 others, (2) refuse to choose any and allow all 10 to die, which would YOU choose? In this example, you cannot choose urself to be killed. By right, we should never condemn anyone to die so choice (1) seems to be the immoral answer. By choosing choice (2), we may be choosing the morally correct answer cos we are not choosing ppl to be put to death but is it becos we are selfish and do not want to end up responsible for the death of these 3 ppl? Is it becos you do not want the blood of these 3 human beings on your hands??

Anyway, is morality really absolute? Then why do have different views of what is right and wrong. Why are there exceptions to situations whereby euthanasia/abortion may seem to be justified...how can we justify these exceptions? I believe that the incongruence is due to the fact that we are unable to fully accept the moral absolutes. This incongruence thus leads us to think that there may be exceptions, therefore meaning morality is subjective whereas morality is in fact absolute. Sigh. I seem to be going in circles.

Enough of this for now. If I can get it out of my head.

A Little Respect

I tried to discover a little something to make me sweeter
Oh baby refrain from breaking my heart
I'm so in love with you
I'll be forever blue
That you give me no reason, you know you're making me work so hard
That you give me no . . . soul
I hear you calling
Oh baby please give a little respect to me.

And if i should falter, would you open your arms out to me?
We can make love not war, and live in peace with our hearts
I'm so in love with you, i'll be forever blue
What religion or reason could drive a man to forsake his lover?
Don't you tell me no. . . soul.
I hear you calling
Oh baby please, give a little respect to me.

I'm so in love with you
I'll be forever blue
That you give me no reason
You know you're making me work so hard
That you give me no. soul.
I hear you calling.
Oh baby, please give a little respect to me.
Oh baby, please give a little respect to me.

:(

I don't know whether you guys have noticed but I'm trying to keep a positive outlook esp on my blog and in my life in general. I don't want ppl to comment that my blog is depressing and ppl chancing upon it would probably think so. I agree with some of the readings I read, namely on the Psychology of Mind and Health Realisation, that it is up to YOU to determine whether you want to be happy or otherwise. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that you can just snap out of a bad/sad/depressed mood but I'm saying that at the end of the wallowing and dwelling, YOU have to make that decision to move on and make something different in your life.
Just this wed, I had dinner with Nan and we talked about a lot of stuff. While talking to him, I surprised even myself with my somewhat optimisitc and carefree orientation. I want to be like that. I like it that way.
Now, I'm struggling to shake off this pain inside of me! No, I doubt its my knee which started hurting during soccer (w/o any tackles or running - sigh). It's the heaviness I carry. Can't explain it. Can't stand it. I want it to go away. I want to plan for Cat Class but I'm just so distracted. I'm worried about outreach but I can't make it today. There's so many worries swimming, swarming my head but I can't let it go. My heaviness is dragging me down but I have to let it go. There are others who need the strong me. I need the strong me to function. God grant me my strong me. Lift away my heaviness, sadness, pain. Deliver me.

When I 1st learnt to drive

ML Course
Was thinking back to the time when I learnt to drive in the army. It was a rather stressful experience I must say. I went for the ML (military license) course where you learn to drive a 3-tonner in 5 weeks. I remember my instructor vividly. He's this chee-na, super sarcastic and irritating guy. He would scold me, slap my hands, and make exaggerated rocking gestures to simulate lousy driving. And mind you, he's a bloody civilian and not an army regular. But on thinking back, I have him to thank for many things. I rem that when we were at the driving circuit on the 1st day, I was eager to start driving and experimenting. Unfortunately, he brought me to a corner of the circuit and there I began my training. As others whizzed haphazardously past me, there I was stationary, practising "clutching in fast, releasing slowly" and the changing of gears without looking at it. I did this till my legs started aching, without any mileage covered. I rem being damn frustrated that day; everyone else was bragging about driving the damn rover and it seemed that only my details of 4 hadn't covered an inch. On retrospect, it held me in good stead cos I got my basics right and had good clutch control and could change gears without looking and all; I just had to focus on the road.
I rem a particular fri when I had a crap driving day when everything seemed to go wrong, I was getting incessant scoldings from Mr Ooi, and I couldnt do anything right. On the following monday however, I had a complete turn-around and you know you have really improved when ur instructor ask you, "you practiced illegally over the weekend right?" I rem I kept smiling to myself, not becos I was guilty but becos I KNEW that it was a compliment. One of the most daunting parts of the course was switching from a rover to a 3-tonner. I felt intimidated and really frightened. I mean it's like a freaking truck now, I could kill someone and amazingly, all the instructors claim it's the same as driving a rover and we didn't have to pass any test in order to start driving a 3-tonner. Oh well, I made that transition and ya I still feel quite scared driving the 3-tonner. Oh well.
Anyway, I took the test at Choa Chu Kang. I rem I was in the first detail and I kena this damn fierce-looking Indian Encik. Amazingly I passed the first time getting 10 points (12 is the failing mark) and from that point on, we were treated like kings in the course (cos not many passed the 1st time) and we would have nothing to do during afternoons cos they wanted to concentrate on the rest. So, 8th Dec 2000 marks the day I passed my driving.

V200 Course
I also had the privilege to learn how to drive the V200 in the army. It's supposed to be an amphibious vehicle though I'm pretty sure it'll sink. And rumour has it that the SAF got the V200s from the U.S. as part of some treaty for a puny $1 each, though each tyre costs like $7k to replace. How ingenious. Anyway, it was really scary driving the tank-on-wheels along the roads of Yishun but I must it was also very fun (when we were not driving) cos we went out in groups of 4/5 and each of us took a diff portion. Then whenever we drove past the pri schs right the kids will run beside the v200 and we'll wave to them and act macho. heh. I rem one particularly memorable drive where I was doing quite well and the Encik let me drive all the way from Khatib Camp to Lentor to Nanyang Poly and even managed to cover Sembawang Park. It was really fun and enjoyable. Rem the rough terrain obstacle courses too, didnt enjoy that as much. I'm gratefully for learning how to drive the V200 man and I love it so much more than the tonner. heh.

Driving in Camp
I think that was when my driving skills were at its peak cos we had to drive everyday in camp and there were certain sections that really helped us to improve. I was most proud of my clutch control cos I could control the vehicle on a slope using just the clutch without stepping on the brake or accelerator. Reversing is my worst skill! I kept practising but it still didn't improve much and I never really could floor the accelerator and reverse like some of the other midfielders. Even to this day, I never accelerate while driving outside. I shall not mention others things that we did in camp here. That's supper conversation material, not something I want on my blog. :p
Another thing I realised is that when I drove in the army, all my frustrations were let out there. I drove safely outside with my dad's car. Unfortunately, I now drive well...not as safely lah. This is something I have to work on lah. As with the most humji slogan ard, RSAF's Safety First, Always, I think I shd learn to drive more safely esp when others are in the car. heh.

Anyway it was just nice thinking back to all these driving memories. :)

Disclaimers

1. Please replace Kate & Leotard with Kate & Leopold. No more snipe comments pls! :p

2. The song from the previous blog is not "I'm in Heaven" but "Feels like heaven".

3. The addy who commented on my blog is different from addie who comments on my blog. Sorry!! :)

And last but NOT least, a piece of good news. I was added to msn! :D

1st Non-relative Wedding

Just came back from Ben & Regina's Wedding. Was a very nice laid-back affair. Very different from the ones I know when everything is being fussed about and you have to maintain a certain amount of decorum. The wedding mass was good though I felt that Fr Richards was a little...err...scary? Saying that there was "no guarantee the marriage would last"! Anyway mass had 2 of my fav hymns...will type them out at the end of the blog.
You guys must check this out: the shocking pink cab that the wedding couple traveled in. But I already had 2 comments about the Hello Kitty.


Anyway, we proceeded to Goodwood Park Hotel for lunch. It was a really simple affair but I enjoyed the company of Alan, Bridget, Debbie, Jacq & Vincent. It was really funny. I decided to imitate what medieval gentlemen did - I stood up whenever the ladies wanted to leave the table. Thanks a mill to Alan who pangseh me. Anyway I got the idea from Kate & Leotard which I got glimpses of last week? haha then Debbie tried testing me but I was too busy eating. Man, no wonder they don't do such things anymore! You have to pay attention to the ladies' movements, then stop eating everytime the ladies leave! haha...but it was rather fun! Anyway what do you call a medevial gentleman? a SNOG! Sensitive Old Age Guy. Tt's what bridget said anyway. Debbie and her learnt what SNAG means today.
Anyway, another lesson learnt: always UNDER-estimate a girl's age if you want to get off on the right footing with her. Muhahaha...I over-estimated Jacq's age by 5 yrs (no thanks to Alan lah!) and said she was 28! heh...
it was a good time spent chatting and getting to know each other (esp tt Vincent was a Franciscan Novice b4 he got married!). But all good things have to come to an end. But this blog and the memories remain.

My all time fav Hymn: Thank you Lord

Thank you Lord for the trials that come my way
In the way I can grow each day as I let you lead
Yes I thank you Lord, for the patience those trials bring
In the process of growing, I can learn to care

Refrain:
But it goes against the way I am
To put my human nature down
And let the spirit take control of all I do
Cause when those trials come my human nature
Shouts the things to do
And God's soft prompting can be easily ignored

But I thank you Lord, with each trial I feel inside
That you're there to lead and guide me away from wrong
'Cause you promised Lord that with every testing
That your way of escaping's easier to bear

Refrain

Final Ending:
Yes I thank you Lord for the vict'ry that growing brings
In surrender of everything, Life is so worthwhile
And I thank you Lord, that when everything's put in place
Out in front I can see your face
And it's there you belong

The hymn that reminds me of my 55th exco7:
Power of Your Love

Lord I come to You, let my heart be changed, renewed
Flowing from the grace that I found in You.
And Lord I've come to know the weaknesses I see in me
Will be stripped away by the power of Your Love.

Chorus:
Hold me close, let Your Love surround me.
Bring me near, draw me to Your side.
And as I wait I'll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You,
Your spirit leads me on, in the power of Your Love.

Lord unveil my eyes, let me see You face to face,
The knowledge of Your Love as You live in me
Lord renew my mind as Your will unfolds in my life
In living every day by the power of Your Love.

Chorus

1st cockroach and Bliss (separate)

1st cockroach in my house. It happened this morning when I was studying for SW3201. It flew in through my window and I was sitting beside the window! I backed off from the window. Ran to get the newspaper...came into the room...DAMN! not the Life section so I went to get the Classified. Came back. (I'm scared of cockroahces btw). It went towards my hi-fi! Fuck nO! I hit it once. It stopped moving! Success! I poked it and it started flying. Fuck! I hit it again. It stopped. I went to get Shieldtox and started spraying it. It started flying again! Arg! Then it went to the back of my Hi-fi. I started spraying. It came out and this time with only 5 legs made for the floor. I smashed it. Now it had only 3 legs! But it was still moving! arg! It was upside down and I left it die off.
Sigh. Couldn't study after tt. Was traumatised. It's the FIRST cockroach in my Sengkang flat. Sigh. I used to be SO happy tt there were no cockroahces in sengkang. Now there is one. When there is one, there is more lurking. Sigh.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm in heaven. Rem tt song? I kept smiling! Even during the exam which everyone said was difficult! The ball is no longer in my court. I have done what I can. Can only hope. But with hope comes vulnerability...vulnerability to get hurt and disappointed. I'm willing to take the risk this time though. There's nothing much to lose. There's no friendship to begin with (unlike the last time). The most I will feel is acute disappointment. Thank you God for this chance. I took it this time. :)

Now I know...

I had been asking myself this question since the beginning of the year when I found out that a few of the ppl in social work are like having issues and problems, depression and stuff. I asked myself: Can we as social workers be depressed and still serve our clientele? Wouldn't it affect our job, clients, etc.? Today, I talked to someone or rather she talked to me and it was during our conversation that I realised how much she understood what I was saying, that she could empathise cos when she said she has been there I knew she meant it. When she told me not to do this n that, I knew that it has worked for her. I thank God for her, talking to me for almost an hr, along the road outside KR.
A piece of advice for all those of you who don't know nuts about counseling. The last thing you should do is to advice! Don't refute what the person says also! Never!
I won't do well for counseling. 2 questions 2 fucked up answers. I don't deserve to do well. And I won't. My first social work mod that I'll get a lousy grade for. Looking back, the most fav part of this mod is still my project on Structural Family Therapy. What a wasted! Just hope that the A for the CA will help pull me up a bit. Now for IT1001. I've got exactly 19 hrs b4 the exam and I've not started. If I blog again, then something is wrong. Hope to see me only on 29th night.

Sianz

Sigh...just finished mental health. Screwed the last qn. Oh well...have to let go...let go...fuck it's difficult. I'm not the sort of person who can let go easily.
oh well one down...four more to go.
And the outreach thing is getting to me. Everything is.

I thank You for the Day

Today started off rather apprehensively as I had to go to the dentist for a gum infection. I waited almost 2 hrs b4 I was seen cos I didnt have an appointment but the lady asked me to come down and wait. Anyway, seems like I have some other gum problem and will have to go down again. 4th May's my next appointment. The first excitment post-exam. Yipee
Anyway I decided to walk over to Novena Church to pray and hopefully talk to one of the priests. Went there said my prayers, then went to find priest. MIA. Sigh. Decided to walk to the MRT but as I walked past the canteen, I saw a familiar face. She's a girl in my Mental Health class, also one of the Legionaires. Anyway, I decided to go say hi. Turns out both are yr2 social work majors, Catholics, and mugging away at Mental Health when I have not even started (save for chap 1 which I read for my essay). I ended up joining them to revise. It was really pleasant and I learnt that though I may not have talked to some of the ppl in my SW classes, they have talked about my "funny face" b4. How cool is tt! :p Anyway, Adeline seemed super tickled by whatever I said. Sihua was a little more toned down and she didnt even bother humoring me with polite laughter for my lame jokes (Adeline laughed - sorry if you're reading this ;)
Anyway, managed to get Fr in the end - Fr Paul Ke - the duty priest for the day. Had a good (though a little short) conversation with him. Ended up, quite bizzarely, talking about psychological theories and all that. Turns out Fr Ke is a trained and certified Reality Therapist, so I ended up talking about it as I had just read it for my counseling mod. A very nice, pleasant man. I should be making an appointment with him soon. :)
You know, I think today is rather special. I had my dental appointment turn out better than expected. Made two new friends along the way rather serendipitously. Managed to finish 3 powerpoint lects when 3 hrs last night covered only HALF a lecture. And if I had not met Ade n Sihua, I would not have bothered to stay and met with Fr Paul Ke in the end. :)
I'm still having trouble studying but at least I'm happy.
I pray that God helps us all during this period of time, to help us maximise our potential. And IF we do not do well even after our max effort, I pray that God grants these ppl gifts that those who score As dont.
God gives, maybe not in an area you want Him to, but He always gives, in abundance.

Of fireworks and NZ

I saw fireworks in the distance at about 2+am 2 nights ago...it was coming from Malaysia...what's up man...so happening eh???

Anyway on a more serious note, my parents were talking about migration recently. My dad seems pretty serious about it cos he doesnt want to retire (I dont think this word is used correctly in this context) here n he's always wanted to go to NZ. Anyway, my mum used to be relunctant cos my grandparents were ard but things are kinda different now. Anyway, I didnt think much about it till my dad told me: "You know all they need is for someone to work there and bring the rest of the family over!" then the next line..."they are in need of social workers!!"
Great, now I'm supposed to work there and bring the rest of them over?!? anyway, I dismissed it lah. If i were going to NZ to work, why in hell would I be studying so hard now? I shd just quit sch and learn some farming skills which is like what I think i would like to do if i go there. Anyway, I cant imagine life outside of Spore. I'm not the kind of person who like to adapt to new places n all. I hate changes. And I want to stay here, as screwed up as this place may be.

It's been a long time...(again)

I've been so busy these days...don't get enough sleep n all...can't wait for the hols...anyway some thots in me head...

* the wind is blowing freaking hard now...I love it but its getting kinda scary...it's as if something is gonna happen

* I did well for my IT1003 CA (50%) which I praise God for. Unfortunately for me though I made the mod S/U. Worst still, I've NO more S/Us left for honours yr (if I do)

* I finally found out Harbourfront Girl's name, thanks to CY :)

* Sigh...just feel sianz...

It's real cold now...think I'll go zzZZ

Counseling Proj - Structural Family Therapy

Our blood and sweat...good times...stressful times...good memories...tested frenships...the joy & satisfaction of the product!

Oh NO...

Your Brain is 60.00% Female, 40.00% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

Actually one sentence makes the whole quiz lose its credibility: Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed - Oh so NOT true