innermost thots

pls don't read if you don't wanna get depressed or have your mood affected.

I don't know why I'm doing this. Maybe, it's cos of my reflective mood. Maybe it's the music that I'm listening to now. I just feel sad. And I guess there're some things I have to speak of, tell everyone. Just this once.

I think my biggest problem is my low self-confidence/esteem. Well, maybe 2nd biggest problem. The real reason why I took social work was because I wanted to become a good person. I wanted to help others. To make a difference in the lives of others. How does low self-esteem/confidence come into the pic? I doubt. I doubt my own ability to get out there and make a difference without either screwing up the lives of others or getting seriously hurt myself. I've opened up another door in recent days and I'm seriously considering going out into the field and be there. Be there for those who society shun. To help them to help themselves. To hopefully get them to change for themselves. To renew & restart. I don't know the outcome. But I'm hopeful. I guess the reason why I chose to stay in the uni is cos I thought I could make a difference in the area of research, as it's an area that I feel I'm rather apt. I'm making an effort to try out new things, to be more adventurous. To take the risks and enjoy the life a 25 year old would.

My biggest problem is that I hate myself. I wish I could give myself the respect that some people show me. I wish I could love myself, like God would. There's so many things that I hate about myself. The worst of which is my temper - when I show my middle-finger to the fucker who's hogging the right-most lane, when I get irritated with family members and lose my cool with them, when I lose my cool during soccer. How can hate and love coincide? I guess that's the reason why I'm shunning love, cos I don't think I can handle it. Though, it is something I want at this point of time but I don't think I'm ready. But can I ever resolve my 'issues'? Should I give love a chance? We'll see...