The Imperfect Me

I wanted to go sch early this morn to watch The Simpsons in the lib but couldn't wake up so went to sch just in time to meet Dr Ng. She's really very nice and doesn't heap all the work onto me (unlike some other lecturer). Anyway, there's a lot of work to be done but I spent most of the time since I came home doing it till now. Now it's mainly the filing and other paper work that has to be done. I'm a Editorial Assistant Extraordinaire!

Anyway, I'm a perfectionist. I hate it sometimes but I don't want ANYthing to go wrong and I hate it when people doing the same proj/activity/event as me cannot or is not willing to put in the amount of effort that I'm putting in. I expect 100% all the time otherwise f*** off! I know this is a problem and I want to change but I can't. Things must go well, if not at least show me (for myself esp) that you have done your best. Nothing less.

Anyway, maybe my perfectionist streak is a form of reaction-formation. I seriously think that it is very likely. There are so many things about myself that I want to change and so many others that I hate. I just feel so inadequate and and I'm not good enough to do this, achieve this, to be with this person (my fav phrase: pei bu shang), to be a good social worker/friend/family member...whatever. It just sickens me to the core to feel like this but I just do. No freaking amounts of As or successes in specific areas seem to be able to lift my S.E. HA!~ and to think that some ppl think that I'm confident and have a big ego. oh well. I think I have three layers. 1st layer: the confident and self-assured guy. Ppl (esp those who don't really know me in sw) get impressed and know me as the "smart guy". Those who know me much better see the 2nd layer: the anxious and perfectionist streak in me. They would include the CSS ppl and my sw proj grp mates etc. They know that I'm not perfect, they see my flaws and faults but they also know that I can be nice and that I can be fun & serious at diff times. The 3rd layer: the bastard in me, the emotional vulnerable me...the me that bleeds but cannot heal. The me that hates and plots vengence...the Me that I wish would just die but still remains. The me seldom people see.
I just feel imperfect. I know all of us are but some are more imperfect than others and tt's me.