I just got off my hp after a conversation tt lasted more than 1.5hrs. This may not be amazing to many but for a person who has talked to very few ppl from NUS on the phone (can be counted with one hand) and who has recently withdrawn from most of society, I would think it quite remarkable.
D called me to ask abt a paper tt we have due but we ended up sharing with each other about how screwed up this sem is. I kinda shared with her everything I felt and went thru this sem,which surprisingly I've not really done with anyone else. As I recall what happened, what was said, what I went thru and what I felt, couldnt help but relive some of those emotions and feelings. starting feeling sad for awhile. sigh.
She's having issues too and I hope she gets better, esp her health.
I don't know why but I've really withdrawn into a shell this sem. I rather be alone. I want to be by myself. I will eat dinner by myself at Seah Im hawker centre with my fav hokkien mee and 2 teh-tariks. I will walk ard aimlessly, thinking. I will wish I had another life, somewhere else more carefree. With a different script to follow.
But I'm stuck here. I don't like who I am. But I can't change that. I wish I looked different...may be like Julian...but I can't. I seem so alone. but is it in my mind? anyone else seems to have someone else. (I named a few names but I decided better not to)...those tt i m close to have others' in their lives or r no longer in NUS...what's the pt of being a swinging bachelor when you're swinging by urself? I realised I've not really gotten to know many ppl since yr2...am I keep feeling unable to maintain frenships anymore.
As the soothing night wind carresses my face,
my eyes are struggling to keep awake.
I think back to those happy days,
when things were fine and time again,
we would meet for lunch in the arts canteen.
You came to find me once in the lib,
we watched Happy Tree Friends till our next appt.
You were fun to be with,
someone I could be myself with,
someone who I would listen to,
and sometimes you would listen too.
Slowly but surely I would soon find,
that I had made the worse decision of my life,
to fall for someone tt was a fren,
for now she's gone, but a distant memory.
It's not tt she's avoiding me,
I don't know what's best to do.
The words she used had hurt me so,
even now I can't let go.
Sometimes when I see things,
they just seem perfect to be hers,
but I know I shdnt be buying things,
for doing so would mean I can't let go.
I normally would pray for deliverance,
but I dont buy tt shit anymore.
There's a lot of things inside me,
none of which you would wanna see,
but pls still say hi and you're my fren,
for the person tt you know me as is slowly slipping away,
And I hope that he comes back one day,
till then adios my frens,
fare-de-well to thee!
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7 comments:
hey guy... u sounded so sad... sorry i cun be there for you all this while... but i've been keeping you in my prayers... you have to start thinking positively and try to smile off things... i'm now reading a book "Being Happy" by Andrew Matthews... it's very good... maybe you shld read that too...
when i started working, i was very upset to the point that i think i'm having depression, i can juz cry without reasons... or throw tantrum... and my frens and family really suffered... and they all got so worried abt me... but slowly i realised happiness lies in urself... God can only give u blessings... but u have to find ur own happiness... try to see beautiful things in ur mind and not keep dwelling with those unhappy past or thots... i know i say until like it's so easy... i know it's not at all... but u have to try rite... bit by bit... and start by SMILING... hee... =)
Yoz Yoz...
Cheer up loh dude.. call me up for lunch sometime if u're alone la ya? And why do u eat at Harbourfront? That's like so far away.. Haha...Ok from my place la..
Hahah... Not much time left in NUS, better cherish..:)
Kes
Hey man...trust me I know how you feel. But rest assured, and I think I speak for a lot of people...that you have many friends who are willing to be there for you if you need them. Obviously, I'm one of them =) So take care and try not to brood too much. I'm sure I'll see you soon.
Mr Kwa
hey dude, that wanting to be alone, eating alone, walking alone, going to lec alone, those feelings came back to me while i read ur entry...been there too, retreating into my shell and world..
be careful how much u crawl into this shell, becos it gets harder the longer u stay in there..the wall gets thicker and u might close doors to friendships, and u might find it harder and harder to chip the wall off in future (i am still chipping)..
so take care man, its a good time to discover urself and learn a bit about yourself, and when its time to come out, i'll be there to welcome u! God bless!
MarkG
Sometimes we don't really see what is happening around us... sometimes we don't see the pple around us...it is not because we don want to but we can't...
But i believe in giving others happiness n hope... even if i don feel good, try to make someone's day, try to make another happy. Not for yrself but for others.
U might like being alone...but pple do need u...
Come out of that shell ...n do something for others...be a smile or a few kind words...maybe then can yr pain go away...
:)
Thanks all u guys...really appreciate all your sharings and encouragement...u know I keep telling myself I will be fine in time but tt was early in the sem...things dont seem to be changing but I will try. And who's the last person who posted a comment? just curious...u know I held tt philosophy for very long...to make others happy, be there for others even though I may not be too gd...hope I can do it again soon...thanks one n all...God bless...
Haha...i am the person who passed you a sweet at the lib on fri...recall...haha
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