this pain

this pain I'm feeling, it's real. it's not the physical kind but it has a physiological sensation to it. one of being heavy hearted, a tight squeezing sensation that is automatic whenever there is a trigger or stimulus which activates thoughts, memories which remind me of this person.

i regret having ever met her. having ever seen her. having ever called her out for lunch. having gotten back together with her though she had hurt me before. and i let her hurt me once more, so bad i don't know if i'll make it through this time.

i hate her. i hate what she has done. i hate everything about her. i wish her dead.

and yet, i love her. more than anything in this world. and i want the best for her.

i want to feel numb but all i feel is this pain and the warm tears flowing down my cheeks.

i want to bail out from this existence. but responsibility gets the better of me. i can't. i have to support my family. support my sis through her education. be there for my parents and pay them back for all they have done for me.

and of cos all my friends, including you, who came to the hospital to visit me, support me when i was down and for some, even rush down just to be there in my time of need. thank you.

I'm sorry for being such a disappointment to you.

take care. God bless.